It was bound to happen, right? Hormones. [insert utterly offensive string of favorite swear words here] Yay! [detect sarcasm] I get to practice mindfulness – with hormones! 😦 So far, so… good? Not good, exactly, but not exactly bad, either. I’m less wrapped in misery, but I feel some of this more, or… something. I ache. I feel irritable – which comes and goes erratically and does not seem at all correlated to events in my experience or the household emotional environment, and that’s pretty typical of my PMS experiences in the past. Voices distract and annoy me – and then I feel irritated with myself because these are voices of people I love. [more swearing fits nicely here] Did I mention that I ache? I’m also sentimental and emotional about weird things… like…I drove past a huge construction site – a factory being built – and started weeping because I really wanted to check it out in person, on foot, really see it…and was moved to tears to feel pretty sure I wouldn’t be allowed to do that if I walked over there. lol. I just don’t understand how to share that in a way that gives you a real window into my visceral experience, and it feels so alienating to know that I lack that ability. Freakin’ hormones…the worst bit is the lies that hormones trick my brain into reading into my experience; I have generally made very different assumptions about people, their motives, and intentions, when I’m PMS-y, and it sucks to be chronically concerned that I’m ‘not being rational’.
The mindfulness practices, though, put me in a very ‘it is what it is’ sort of place. It feels easier to understand that ‘it may not be what it seems’ when I take a moment to relax, breathe, and treat myself compassionately. It’s still pretty suck-y to feel ‘off’; fatigued, vaguely unwell, sort of ‘disturbed’ and generally aggravated – but they are just feelings and like any other feelings, they are transitory. I’ve been making different choices today with the mindfulness doing its thing; choosing to enjoy an activity that takes me away from home for a little while, then wrapping up some tasks on my To Do list that both need doing, and occupy my attention with productive things that result in a sense of satisfaction and achievement. I find myself really relaxed in spite of the hormones and feeling like the day is not only not ‘wasted’ with distress and internal torment, but quite enjoyable so far. It’s nice.
How well can I treat myself today? If pampering myself and meeting some personal needs results in me feeling balanced and nurtured and serene, will my partners also feel they are ‘being treated well’? That doesn’t sound like it would be a definite outcome, when I see it in text, so I will take some time to consider whether there is a ‘missing link’ that I also need to understand more clearly. It’s a quiet Sunday. It’ll be Shepard’s Pie for dinner tonight, maybe with some biscuits, or perhaps maple-walnut bars for dessert, and most of the tasks I committed to for the weekend are already behind me. It’s a lovely day for a walk, some yoga, a leisurely bath, some reading…a nice way to wrap up a weekend.
This all feels very much like progress and improvement. 😀
Evening Light 
Dinner sounds delicious.
I think giving people the benefit of the doubt can become a habit. On the other hand, thinking the worst of people can also become a habit, and I sometimes catch myself drifting in that direction. “Never credit malice with what is better attributed to stupidity,” was how I was first taught about giving people the benefit of the doubt. I’m not sure my father anticipated how much contempt I would grow to have for lack of intelligence. I’ve since changed the version written in my heart to “Never credit malice with what is better attributed to carelessness.” Sometimes even that isn’t enough.
I have friends who do things that hurt me (don’t we all). Most of the time, they don’t know in advance that certain things will be hot buttons for me, and so I can forgive them for not knowing. Sometimes, the potential for hurting me would become obvious if my friend just gave it two seconds of thought, but they didn’t, and I forgive them for carelessness. Sometimes they just had other priorities, and I can acknowledge that they have the same obligation to look after themselves as I have to look after myself. But sometimes too many of these add up, and I sever the friendship.
Sometimes I seethe with unfounded, undirected anger, and I just have to tell my loved ones that I’m not fit company for humans right now. Sometimes I have to tell my kids to ask me later, because I’m aware that I’m too cranky to make a fair decision.
All of these “sometimes” seem to add up to a “lot of time”. I’m blest that each of these is only a tiny part of my experience of people. Yesterday all four adults in my house were home together, and we were able to collectively sprawl on the couch and marathon movies with pizza, and have giggling and horseplay and teasing and laughter as well.