Archives for posts with tag: be here now

Weird morning. Strange emotional context to wake into. I sip my coffee feeling very much in love – that “wrapped in delight” almost giddy feeling of excitement just to be in the presence of a special someone. I woke with a song in my head. Funny. Strange choice? Maybe… particularly considering the object of my affections this morning is… me. lol Yeah, that’s a weird one to write about. I’m sort of “crushing on myself” this morning, grooving to tunes I love, too early in the morning, sipping my coffee. Grabbing my bass now and then to try to slowly pick out some particular bit of bass line that catches my attention. It’s a very “now” sort of experience. I feel content. Filled with quiet delight and satisfaction… What is this feeling?

I’m okay right now. Wow – does that actually feel this good, given a chance?

I take a moment for perspective. Sip my coffee appreciatively (another great cup of coffee, and a lovely start to a Saturday morning). I went to bed very early, feeling sick, teetering on the beginning of a head cold I was hoping could be put to rest with… some rest. I feel some better this morning… maybe I won’t get a cold after all? Still, that killer headache I went to bed with was a real thing. I consider the possibility that my current delicious delightful warm and merry emotional state of being may be a byproduct of wellness, unwellness, or biochemical weirdness of some other unspecified sort… Well… I still feel. πŸ™‚Β  Among all the many ways I could feel at the start of a day, this is, without a doubt, once of the most enjoyable. I feel happy with who I am, who I have become over time, with how I care for myself these days. I smile. The track on my playlist changes. The moment moves on, and becomes new again.

I sip my coffee and smile thinking about my Traveling Partner. I think about parties and friends far away. I think about my niece taking adulthood for her first real spin around the block – 18 already? I smile, and have another drink of my coffee. I think about upcoming holidays, concerts, and plans. I think about work. I think about the container garden on my patio. I think about chickens. I think about a metamour down south and the lovely view from the mountainside on which she makes her home. I think about time. I think about thyme. I think about change. I let my mind wander. I let the music play. I think about late nights, and early mornings. Still smiling, I finish my coffee, and start my day. πŸ™‚

 

My coffee this morning is exceptional. No idea why, exactly, but it’s a damned good cup of coffee, and I am enjoying it. I’m tired, even groggy. (I didn’t sleep well.) It doesn’t matter; this cup of coffee is just that good. The espresso shots were quite lovely when I pulled them, with rich even crema. The steamed almond milk was dense, smooth, and even, and quite perfectly lovely as it swirled into the espresso, as if poured directly from my state of contentment into my coffee mug. Yep. Damned good cup of coffee. It’s a delicious moment on a pleasant morning.

It’s enough. One pleasant moment of leisure, enjoyed on my own terms, something pleasant over which to linger, to savor in the moment and in later recollection…definitely enough; I get a lot of mileage out of moments. I get a lot of enjoyment out of a simple cup of coffee.

Although a great many other mornings led to this one, and a great many other cups of coffee were involved in how well this particular one turned out, it’s not obvious how large the investment over time has been, in creating this one moment. It’s just a moment.Β Only a moment over coffee on a work day, early in the morning. It’s not fancier than that. I didn’t bring any special equipment or gain any particular epiphany. I didn’t work overly hard at this moment; I showed up. I made coffee. I am enjoying it.

There’s a point to pointing this out. I’ll leave that to you. I’m just going to enjoy this cup of coffee right here, now. πŸ™‚

…If your coffee isn’t exactly as you’d like it… Begin again. Practice. πŸ˜‰

 

I woke to the sense of being unusually aware of having a new day ahead. A complete, entire, wholly unused fresh new to-be-determined, as in not yet completed, used, spoiled, finalized, wrapped up, or altered in any way. New. An entire new day. Unbuilt. Un-crafted. Un-“hacked”. New and suitable for all manner of beginnings, choices, and verbs.

In this particular instance, it is also a Thursday, a workday, and I woke to the alarm clock. lol

Still a new day.

I smile and sip my coffee. I consider the day ahead. I have a hair appointment in the afternoon, so the work day itself is a bit shorter than usual. No guilt involved; next week I have a long (and very late-ending) Monday with a very early (and long) Tuesday following it. It’s not the usual thing. It’s to do with an implementation that is nearing its conclusion. That’s exciting. I’m tired and eager to get to a “steady state” of things, around which functional sustainable scalable processes can be written – then followed – and iterations of improvement in efficiency can be observed, and managed. lol Exciting stuff right there, eh? πŸ˜‰ (For me? Yes.)

Today’s short work day gets me a bit of additional leisure that I can spend on the woman in the mirror, taking care of other needs than those listed with such care on a meeting agenda somewhere, because we both know that the major upheaval ahead in my day-to-day routine (sleeping and waking particularly) may result in more than usual fatigue by the end of next week.

No particular reason to look ahead and become fused with an experience that is not now, though, is there? (Nope.) No telling how all that actually goes “in real life”. I will say, I’m getting to see a number of close colleagues in other roles managing their stress, and their workloads, in a time of great change. I’m impressed by them. I am content to work where I do. It’s a good place to work. (That matters more to me than I understood 7 years ago.)

Another morning. Another day. Another opportunity to practice being in this moment, here, and open to the next, whatever it may bring. I’m ready with some verbs. I’m ready to begin again. πŸ™‚

I woke to the alarm. My coffee this morning is a tasty Americano. I am wrapped in modest comfort, and feel safe, cared-for, and content. It’s a nice start to a Wednesday.

I hadn’t been up long before I started feeling that weird nagging sensation that is my half-aware recognition that there’s something I meant to do… right. Chickens. I mean, I’d said I would send my chicken references to Her. (Damn, She really needs a better nickname here…) I was delighted to hear her say she’d like to have chickens (me too!!). It felt like a connection, as much as a shared interest.

I put aside my writing to fulfill this commitment, and email over the links to vendors, resources, references, catalogs, and feel warmed by participating in something we share. I remember her asking about pets… I find myself not recalling why, at first, then – her dogs. Of course. πŸ™‚ Chickens – any livestock, really – are pets enough for me. I like creatures. The small wild lizards everywhere there delight me. The inquisitive jays and wily crows make me smile. Her dogs are fun and friendly. What else could I want? Chickens. LOL It’s a small thing to share an interest with another human being. We are so many, and so many of us share interests. It feels good to connect with another person. Get their views. Hear their thoughts. Share my own. Practice listening more than talking, while I’m at it. lol (Still so human.)

I hit send. Finish my coffee. Contemplate the brief remainder of the work week. It was rainy yesterday. There is rain in the forecast for the rest of the week. I’m okay with that. My arthritis is less okay with it. I think about the climate “down there”… “at home”? (Can I say that? I want to. It is a vision of one possible future that I do find very enticing.) My arthritis didn’t bother me pain-wise the entire weekend I was down visiting my Traveling Partner and Her. (Fuck. I need a better name for Her. Something playful and fond.) I still dealt with the stiffness, some, but it wasn’t so bad. The weekend here is likely to be rainy. I’m likely to be in pain. Still… there is much to do and to enjoy.

It’s a good time to winterize the deck and the potted garden.

It’s a good time to give the place a thorough cleaning in preparation for the holidays to come.

It’s a good time to light the pilot light on the gas fireplace for the cool autumn nights and cold winter days ahead.

It’s a good time for a last visit to the Farmer’s Market – maybe the big one downtown?

It’s a good time for long autumn hikes through colorful fall forest along unexplored trails.

There’s nothing fancy on my calendar this week; this one’s for me. A simple enough quiet weekend at home. Laundry, dishes, vacuuming, tidying up, reading a book with my feet up by the fire, sipping coffee in the afternoon…

“WhatΒ  are you doing this weekend?”

Everything. This precious mortal lifetime won’t just live itself. πŸ˜€

 

Beautiful weekend. The sort of beautiful weekend I mark on a calendar, look back on frequently, contemplate, wonder over, and reference in the future. So… I’ve marked it on my calendar. I’ve been looking back on it, already, contemplating it, wondering over it, and here I am in my own “future” (at least, I’m one day beyond the weekend) referencing it. It represents change. It whispers to me about love, family, and contentment. It was weird. Beautiful. Unexpected. Relaxed. Delightful. Peaceful. It was filled with the company of friends, defined by long moments of joy and contentment. It was easy to find stillness – and to enjoy companionship.

I spent the weekend with my Traveling Partner, down at his place, which he shares with his other partner, who was an ex of mine. I put that in the past tense, because I use the term “ex” very specifically, and sparingly, to refer to former (and now discontinued) partnerships and relationships which have been firmly, permanently, completely, entirely, and without any potential future, ended. No continuing contact. “I’m done with that.” She definitely doesn’t fit that definition, now, although I lack language to define our current… situation.

I had a great weekend at her place. I enjoyed her company and her conversation. I realized that there are things I have missed about her (duh, we were in a relationship, once). She was a gracious and delightful hostess this weekend. We had a good time (I say, based on my own experience, from my perspective, without any cause to assume she feels differently, and having heard her affirm the same in her own words). I’ve been invited back, and not just by my Traveling Partner. Wow. I feel so welcomed. I felt so very much at home, in my relationships, as well as wrapped in the gorgeous landscape of Southern Oregon’s Oak Savanna. Beautiful sunrises. The warmth and connection of dear friends and family. It was a wonderful weekend.

It was a splendid autumn weekend, it’s only fitting that it came with a wonderful view. πŸ™‚

The flora and fauna are lovely down there… I want to say “at home” or “back home” or… Yes, I liked it there that much, and for the quality of the company as much as for the landscape. Relationships matter. There was no hint of tension or animus between her and I, and that was lovely. Recognizing that one can indeed “begin again” allows me to do so, even with relationships. It’s a little scary; it could go very wrong (this, whispered to me by the hurt child lurking within, who is, frankly, no judge of good quality relationships at all). The big challenge of new beginnings, by far, is letting go of old baggage… so…

…I begin again. πŸ™‚

Let me circle back on one detail; this was all her. I didn’t take the step across that firm moment of having ended things years ago. I don’t know that I would have. I’m not sure I’m that skilled as an adult. I experienced a moment of powerful respect for this woman who did put her fears and baggage aside, stepped up to me and started a new conversation. “I’d like to start over.” She couldn’t have chosen better words – aren’t I all about beginning again? Wow. How could I not agree? Still, though, this was her moment. I’m still pretty blown away. Nicely done, Woman. Hell of a teachable moment. πŸ™‚ I’m still smiling.

It was a lovely weekend spent with my Traveling Partner, and his lovely Other (who clearly needs a better nickname, here), walking the land, and talking about the future. Our future. (Wow.)

Now here it is Tuesday. The long weekend is over. It’s time to face a new work week. It’s time to begin again. πŸ™‚