Archives for the month of: January, 2024

Countdown to Solitude

January 31, 2024 //

Some people are not at all into being alone. Solitude can be nerve-wracking for people who don’t like being alone. I’m not one of those people. Quite the contrary, some of my easiest most relaxed and comfortably contented moments are those when I am alone. I enjoy a solitary hike more than I enjoy companionship on the trail, and even the distant presence of others within view is a subtle irritant when I am most craving solitude. It’s beyond the irritation that is the sound of voices… it’s almost as if the mere presence of another human consciousness is too much for mine. It’s a little weird, because human primates are social creatures – even me. I just happen to have a strong liking for solitude, and a relatively high need for it, from a basic self-care perspective. Yes, yes, I know; it’s likely a trauma thing, but honestly that’s neither here nor there when it comes time to care for this fragile vessel in practical terms.

I’m sipping my coffee and counting down the hours; tomorrow I head to the coast for a couple days of quiet solitude. I’ll have my paints with me, my camera, and I’ll be near to a couple of favorite trails, and miles and miles of walkable beach. I’ll bring Lord of the Rings (books) – maybe I’ll finish it? I’ll sleep in (maybe) and nap (probably), and my life will not be constrained by clocks or calendars or lengthy to-do lists. It’ll just be me, being. I’m looking forward to it. Like… a lot.

…Funny… I’m also aware that I’ll miss my Traveling Partner the entire time I’m gone (which is okay, we gain a lot of perspective on how deeply we love each other when we have a chance to miss each other now and then)…

Yesterday’s unexpected almost-Spring weather of breezy sunshine and mild temperatures has given way to stormy gray clouds and intermittent rain. This does nothing to dampen my enthusiasm for tomorrow’s drive, or the coastal weekend ahead; rain or shine a view of the ocean is a marvelous change of scenery. When I go to this favorite location, I often leave the balcony door open wide to the ocean breeze and the sound of the waves crashing in for hours. If it’s chilly weather, I put on layers. I love to listen to the sound of the seashore. (Funny how different from each other the Atlantic and Pacific coasts sound. Funnier still that they both remind me of my Granny, and times we spent on the seashore together.) Being on the coast, near the seashore with a view of the ocean, really does something to replenish and recharge me. Similar-but-different to forested getaways or visits to vast plains or deserts; they each have something to offer the solitary traveler.

…I used to think I might like to take a cruise, then I really considered being crowded into a huge floating city with thousands of very human strangers and… um… no. That actually doesn’t sound pleasant at all. Too much people-ing. lol

So, yeah, the countdown to solitude has commenced in earnest… tonight I’ll pack my paints in my paint box for portability. Tomorrow… everything else, and a trip to the store for my Traveling Partner so he can also comfortably chill and enjoy some time on his own terms without having to fuss over groceries. The plan is made, and so are the reservations. 😀 It’s almost time to begin again.

Tags begin again, emotional self sufficiency, going coastal, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, solitude, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, there are verbs involved

Categories Allegories, art and the artist, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, Love, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being, winter

A Trickle of Happy

January 30, 2024 //

I’m drinking my coffee before I start work. I am feeling contented and relaxed. Strange morning. Some sound or something woke me briefly at something like 03:35 this morning. I looked at the clock, turned over, and went back to sleep. The lights (of my silent alarm) don’t come on until 05:00; I had time to sleep, more. I sank into a deep dream. My Traveling Partner’s voice saying… something… roused me a bit some time later. I heard the door click closed, and woke thinking I must be running late (damned dreams) and sat upright abruptly, forgetting I had a CPAP mask on and very nearly dragging the machine to the floor as I sat up. Comical, later, but in the moment mostly just confusing for my groggy brain. I rose, dressed, and made my way through something like my morning routine, before kissing my Traveling Partner and leaving for work. All rather ordinary, really, but…

…It was a bit earlier than usual, and I was definitely not “running late”. LOL Nice commute, very little traffic.

I’ve been enjoying a fairly spectacular few days for the last little while. A week? More? It’s just been rather nice at home, and yeah even at work. I feel… mostly contented, generally merry, and frequently joyful. My Traveling Partner and I are enjoying each other quite a lot. (If you’re in a loving relationship, yourself, you probably know there are some ups and downs, and it’s not all “ice cream and blowjobs” all the time.) It’s rather like the cold-brew filter of my heart is drip-drip-dripping happiness into my experience all the time, a little bit at a time, and it’s been adding up. It’s quite lovely. I sip my coffee and reflect on my joys and precious moments shared with my Traveling Partner.

…Yesterday was a weird one. Not a bad day, and remarkable primarily because it was (and is) more or less a blur. I got to the office, sat down, answered an email before I even made coffee (it seemed to want to be answered promptly)… next thing I new the day was ending, it was hours later, and although I’d gotten a lot done, nothing at all stood out about the day, as if I simply hadn’t formed any memories of the moments of lifetime that had been consumed by work. I mean, I guess I didn’t. As I said; it’s a blur. I see my checklist has many items checked off, and I review it with care; my “today” will build off that list and awareness of what has already been completed, and what is yet to be done… short week, with my long weekend trip coming up quickly.

Last night my Traveling Partner asked about my itinerary and timing. He looked a bit disappointed to realize I’ll be leaving on Thursday, but I set up my trip to maximize my downtime, and minimize the impact to him/us; I’ll get two days off work, and spend just one weekend day away, returning home on Sunday to enjoy the day with him (and get a few things done before the work week begins). Evenings apart can have some lonely moments, though… I sip my coffee and think about offering a Zoom call or something for Friday or Saturday night. By Saturday evening I know we’ll be missing each other a lot. I fret for a minute over whether he’s really going to be able to care for himself (still recovering from his injury) sufficiently well to be okay on his own… but… he’s a grown-ass man, very capable, and would 100% tell me, and ask for my help (or to change my plans) if he needs me. He’s pretty good at “using his words” where that sort of thing is concerned (for which I’m highly grateful). He knows I need the downtime. Work has been intense. Life has been filled with effort. I’m tired and a bit overwhelmed by “all the people-ing”. A couple days solo is good for me – but the weather is not yet great for camping. So, a trip to the coast it is. This time I’ll bring my paints along. 😀

As I finish my coffee, I take a breathe, sigh, and hope today isn’t such a blur. It’s time to begin again.

Tags begin again, emotional self sufficiency, Happy, love and lovers, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, savor the moment, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, the story is not the experience, there are verbs involved, walking my own path

Categories Allegories, art and the artist, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being, winter

Making a List

January 28, 2024 //

I’m sitting at the trailhead, waiting for the sun. I use the time to meditate, which doesn’t use all the time I have for waiting. I sit quietly awhile, reflecting on life, generally, and looking out over the seasonal lake on the other side of the highway observing the way the clouds and water reflect distant lights. I listen to the sounds of traffic, and my ceaseless tinnitus.

I take a moment to make a packing list for my upcoming weekend trip to the coast. I decided last night to take a paint box with me, and maybe spend some time painting seascapes and coastal landscapes. Should be fun and relaxing. My packing list completed, I update my to-do list for today, too. It’s not a lot, but the meal I plan to make for dinner has some specifics that will drag my ass into the kitchen for some tidying up, and I definitely need to finish doing the dishes so the kitchen will be ready for cooking a proper meal later. I’m making a Bolognese sauce and I plan to make enough to have some left to set aside for my Traveling Partner to enjoy while I am gone.

The day feels planned. Even the next few days seem pretty well laid out. Oh, for sure my lived experience will have some variations from anything I’ve put on a fucking list; the map is not the world. Still, I feel prepared, and that’s a feeling I like.

I breathe, exhale, and relax. This is a pleasant quiet moment, as I wait for the sun. The weather is unseasonably mild, and it’s not raining. I sit quietly, enjoying the moment for what it is before I begin again.

Tags a morning routine, be here now, begin again, breathe exhale relax, doing it for me, making a list, meditation, my results vary, perspective, practicing the practices, savoring the moment, self-care, sit happens, waiting for the sun, walking my own path

Categories art and the artist, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Practices, solo hiking, The Art of Being, winter

Winter Rain

January 27, 2024 //

It’s late January and it’s raining. That’s not unusual in this area, particularly over the past few years; ice storms are rare these days, and even weather cold enough for snow is uncommon. It rains. It’s been raining all week and the forecast suggests the rain will continue through the week ahead. I’m okay with it, I like the rain. I’m sitting at a trailhead waiting for a break in the rain to get a walk in on a Saturday morning.

Where I’m parked I have a view of the low lying fields on the other side of the highway. Each Winter when the rains come, these fields slowly transform over days into a broad shallow seasonal lake. The migrating birds love it. I enjoy it, too. It’s good for pictures of sunrises reflected by the smooth calm surface of water on a calm day. In the pre-dawn darkness, it reflects the street lights of the neighborhood beyond. Pretty.

I look over the errands I plan to take care of on my way home later this morning and think ahead to my weekend on the coast next weekend. I’m excited about it, but experience a twinge of anticipatory “missing my Traveling Partner”. I always do miss him when we’re apart from each other. I still need the time away, it’s very much a self-care thing for me. It can be pretty difficult to get the solitary time I need when I cohabitate with a partner or as a family. I’ve learned to make that time happen as a personal priority. I can become pretty stressed and hard to live with when I don’t.

Emotional and psychological wellness is worth the work involved in good self-care. It took too long to learn that. lol

I sit quietly awhile, letting my thoughts drift through my mind like clouds on a breezy day. I listen to the sound of traffic in the rain and wonder briefly why there seems to be so much of it so early on a winter Saturday. I don’t actually care about that and the thought dissipates almost as quickly as it was noticed.

… The rain has stopped. Now I wait for daybreak, hopeful and encouraged, eager to walk the trail that winds between the river and the marsh. Eager to begin again.

Tags basic self-care, be here now, cure for pain, enjoying the moment, meditation, my results vary, petrichor, ptsd, rain, savoring the moment, taking care of me, there are verbs involved, waiting for the sun, walking my own path, what does happy feel like?, winter weather

Categories breathe, Free Will, health, Healthy Living, inspiration, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, solo hiking, The Art of Being, turning 60, winter, Words

Awake in the Wee Hours

January 26, 2024 //

Once upon a time, perhaps I’d have just been getting home… Tonight I am unexpectedly awake in the wee hours restlessly not falling asleep after waking up a bit earlier to pee.

The lotus votive glows softly in the corner.

There’s a soft glow in the room, given off by the 3D printed votive holder my Traveling Partner made for me over the holidays. It’s a lovely reminder that I am loved, and although I am awake I am relaxed, calm, and content with meditating for a few minutes, writing a few words, and giving sleep another try.

The house is quiet. My partner sleeps. I am safe and comfortable.

I yawn. Perhaps now I will sleep.

Tags a few quiet moments, be here now, meditation, morning or night?, practicing the practices, sleepless, the wee hours

Categories Allegories, Anxiety, Brain Injury, gratitude, health, Love, meditation, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being, winter