Archives for the month of: August, 2018

Relief

August 31, 2018 //

What’s leaning on you? What are you doing to get some relief? (It’s just a question.)

This morning I woke so slowly and so deliciously at ease that I didn’t really notice the transition from dreaming to thinking, from sleeping to waking; I simply realized at some point that I was, indeed, actually awake, and had been for some unnoticed, unmeasured time. I got up with more than usual ease and freedom of movement, too. I moved gently through the usual details of mornings: a shower, yoga, that first delicious hot cup of coffee, and catching up on the world a bit.

I feel… “relieved”.

I followed up with meditation, sitting contentedly in the open patio doorway, gazing out into the trees and my small container garden, as a soft rain fell. It’s hard to imagine a more delightfully contented moment.

I enjoy the soft rain after the scorching days of summer.

Much of the day, today, is being spent writing letters and calling legislators about issues that matter to me, mostly labor and wage stuff, quality of life concerns, universal healthcare, and judicial reform. I take some time for me, too; this right here and now me, the woman in the mirror – I’ve got some needs of my own, that are on my mind (wellness and quality of life concerns). I check out a Tai Chi studio online… I plan my weekend hikes.

Sometimes it is hard to really relax and completely recharge with just two days of weekend. This weekend I’ve got 4 days to work with. It’s quite wonderful.

I take a sip of what is left of my now cold coffee. There’s definitely time to enjoy another cup. I smile at the thought of my sparkling clean kitchen, and think happy thoughts about how supportive and helpful my Traveling Partner is, and how wonderful love is, just generally. Having a little help now and then can make so much difference! I remind myself gently that it is also helpful to ask for it when I need it, instead of letting myself fall behind.

Self-care takes a lot of forms. Like yoga, dance, flow practices, or martial arts, self-care has so many varied forms and combinations of supportive practices, it would seem possible that any one of us could assemble a system of practices that work ideally well for this one particular singular unique human primate that we are… It’s a damned big menu, though, and the variety itself can overwhelm and confuse. One thing at a time then? Why not? Pick up a practice. Practice it “awhile” – days, weeks, months, whatever it takes to determine with reliable certainty whether it is “for you” – let it go, if it isn’t. Keep it up, if it is. Either way, there’s no avoiding those verbs. We become what we practice. Incremental change over time can be so damned slow, but… it does happen. With practice. With repetition. With study. Each day a new beginning, and ample opportunity to fail, to be mistaken, to get it wrong, to re-do something, to try again – to become the human being we most want to be.

There are no short cuts.

It’s time. Make the most of the opportunity. ❤

Tags be the change, begin again, being and becoming, breathe, change is a choice, choose wisely, dance, flow, good self-care, how do you spell relief?, I am my own cartographer, meditation, mindfulness, mindfulness matters, move on, move!, movement, movement as a metaphor, practicing forms, practicing the practices, ptsd, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, The Big 5, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, walking my own path, what matters most?, work it, yoga

Categories Allegories, autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, health, Healthy Living, inspiration, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Summer, The Art of Being, The Big 5, weight loss secrets, Words

Stormy Weather?

August 30, 2018 //

We all deal with occasional emotional “stormy weather”. I wish I could really help. I’d hand you an umbrella, or some wet weather gear, if it were, you know, properly weather. Instead, all I can really do is take time to listen. Give you a hug. Hand you a tissue. Frustratedly attempt to assure you it will pass.

…You won’t be letting it go until you’re ready.

Your perspective on the situation is your own, and you may not be ready to own any piece of your circumstances, or recognize any amount of personal accountability – and right now you’re hurting. I see it. My frustration sources with your choices, and your unreadiness to look yourself in the face and understand which of your choices may have contributed (or be contributing) to the situation quite directly. It’s hard to watch. I could tell you that some of this is made up nonsense in your own head, or that some of it actually just doesn’t “matter”, in fact, at all.

…You won’t be believing or accepting anything you aren’t ready for – how could you?

Your suffering is quite real. I wish I could help in a real way. I lack the tools. I’d offer you perspective, a quite moment over a cup of tea, perhaps some words over coffee and a moment to gather your thoughts… but the verbs are all yours, in the moment you choose to bring action to your experience and really do something about… whatever is going on.

I’ve found far too often that my own assumptions, expectations, and attachments, were precisely the thing causing me so much suffering, rather than the circumstances themselves. My very human insistence on attributing a “because” to some action taken by another, or words I’ve read or heard, and making it all exceedingly personal (whether it had any legitimate potential to be so, or not), often causes me much more pain than anything anyone actually did, regardless of their intention. Seriously. We make so much shit up in our heads. Yes, you too.

Then, “the hormone thing”. Yeah. Fucking hell. I get it. It’s hard. Hardest still is seeing how much choice there still is. We get used to “can’t help it” and we get so used to making excuses, apologies, and accepting sympathy, that we entirely overlook our opportunities to behave differently in the face of our hormonal challenges – and most of us could realistically do a lot better. No, I’m not going to take a step back from that, and I’ll point out the choice to do better is available both to those with the hormone challenges, and those who love those who have them. Then, how hard is it, sometimes, to even acknowledge “the hormone thing” at all, in some moment when we feel so righteous about our pain or anger? Everyone can win when we all simply treat each other well. No kidding. It’s about behavior, not emotions. Verbs. Choices.

Do better. You can. No kidding. However stressed and freaked out you are right now, you can choose so much of your experience – including how you deal with it. I need reminders too, sometimes. I’ll finish this, and drop the link in an email to myself with some alarming subject line like “I JUST CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE!” all in caps, and tag it and archive it without thinking twice about it, and some future day when maybe I find myself lost in the deep end of emotional bullshit, I’ll go searching for emotional wounds to pick at from my email archives… and instead, find the link to this reminder that I have choices – and that I can do better. 🙂

A lot of the shit we allow to upset us most is of little real consequence. Let it go. Take a breath. Take another one. A proper deep breath. Let it out slowly. Have a cup of tea and just stop for a minute. Maybe take 10 minutes to meditate, or have a calming shower. Go for a walk and sift through your thoughts without judgment. Give yourself quiet time to process things. Get some perspective. Deal with your emotions without taking them personally. Take care of yourself – if you haven’t eaten, have some calories. Drink some water. It will pass.

Feasting on our anger or heartache by ceaselessly venting, again and again, about the same shit, tends to grow it larger in the garden of our hearts. Seriously. We become what we practice. Practice anger, you get good at being angry. Practice tears and tantrums, you get really good at crying and raging. Practice losing your shit and becoming hysterical and wrapped up in yourself, and, no kidding, you get good at that. Maybe practice letting go of your attachment to your own bullshit, instead? Or practice building calm and emotional resilience? How about practicing contentment? You could even practice communicating your emotions without screaming them at people… I’m just saying, behavior is something we can change through choices and practices. It’s not about emotions, at all. Go right ahead and feel all of the things you are feeling. How are you behaving? It matters. 😉

You’ll most likely be okay, you know? How about right now? Are you okay right now? Start there. Begin again. ❤

Tags be love, be the change, begin again, being and becoming, breathe, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, I wish I could help, just breathe, let it go, listening deeply, mindfulness, mindfulness matters, OPD, p.s. I love you, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, relationships, splash some cold water on your face, sufficiency, take a breath, Take care of you, take it easy, taking care of me, The Art of Being, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, walk on, what matters most?

Categories anger, Anxiety, Brain Injury, Despair, forgiveness, Free Will, Frustration, grief, Healthy Living, Hormone Hell, inspiration, Logic & Reason, loneliness, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, solo hiking, Summer, The Art of Being, The Big 5, Words

A Plague of Vague

August 29, 2018 //

Is it becoming more common to be less specific? I understand the general concept of “vague-booking”; we post a generalization of our experience in order to share an emotional experience without creating drama for ourselves or some specific other individual. I mean, I think generally our intention there is good, but… the meta message we end up communicating is incredibly easy to agree with… even if we are, in fact, entirely in the wrong in the context of our circumstances and decision-making. More than once, I have found, after-the-fact, that I’ve appeared to “agree with” something fairly terrible, when actually, I had no idea what had actually gone on… I only read the vague post about it, which, lacking context, seemed easy to agree with. Awkward.

…On the other hand, I also dislike drama, and tend to do some vague-booking chasing down the meta-learning available to me in every day experiences. 🙂 There’s a balance that I look for, and I hope (and attempt) not to be “agreed with” in error by people I know would object, if only they knew what was “really going on”. See, there’s the thing, right? If I’ve been so vague that it is not possible at all to ascertain what is “really going on”, then my vague-booking could actually be misleading to the point of deception, and that’s not at all what I’m about as a human being. So. There’s that.

This is where my morning begins. Thoughts about vague-booking over coffee. 🙂

The semantic and logical distance one must cover to get from “vague-booking” to this blog isn’t really very far. I use my real actual life to “sort myself out”, finding meta messages and simple learning in even some fairly complex nuanced circumstances. Sometimes that requires a bit of over-simplification. Sometimes, kind of a lot actually, I have to “sanitize” the details to avoid hurting someone’s feelings, or undermining their individual privacy (or mine) – vague happens. Vague is a craft. The point is not to mislead, but to craft a sharable narrative that illustrates a point, supports a useful practice, offers perspective or reassurance, or even merely entertains; the mundane details would often get in the way of one or more of those goals, and may even be irrelevant.

Being skillfully vague sometimes allows me to understand circumstances more easily without feeling as hurt by them. That’s also a thing. 🙂

I’m admittedly uncomfortable when I see vague-booking used to amass allies to a cause or to seek agreement with an opinion or “side” of things, though, because the lack of specificity in that instance can create false alliances so easily, or result in a feeling of betrayal once people understand more about what they’ve agreed to, or with. It’s an emotional dirty trick to use vague-booking specifically to “sound like the good guy”, in the face of strong evidence that indeed you may be the bad guy. Just saying. Approval-seeking behavior from super-villains isn’t something to encourage. It’s pretty easy, though, to get our friends – particularly far away friends – to agree we’ve been treated terribly, if they never actually know the context, the origin, the circumstances, or the participants, and only ever read how hurt we are, separated from our own actions, and the details of the experience.

Words over coffee… I’m not sure I’ve gotten anywhere with this, this morning… not really. Like the topic, itself, the outcome is vague.

I guess I’ll begin again. 😉

Tags approval seeking, be the change, choose wisely, don't be so vague, emotional self sufficiency, experience, finding meaning, hidden meaning, housekeeping in the drama free zone, I am my own cartographer, if you're too vague how do you know anyone actually agrees?, meta message, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, rhetoric, semantics, TBI, The Art of Being, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, use your words, vague booking, walking my own path, what matters most?, words words words

Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, inspiration, Logic & Reason, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Summer, The Art of Being, Words

Restless Night

August 28, 2018 //

I didn’t sleep well. The alarm was an unwelcome interruption of what little sleep I did manage to get. I woke groggy and irritable. Well, shit. It’s a work day, and I’m facing it rather grimly over my morning coffee. It’s only Tuesday. I sigh, and sip my coffee.

Mornings like this one are hard sometimes. Really waking up. Hard. Managing my emotional balance. Hard. Maintaining a pleasant office-appropriate demeanor. Hard. All of it still at the top of my list of shit that needs to get done today. lol

I continue drinking my coffee, and I give some thought to the resources available to me to get through the day, and get all the things done… Well… I’ve got coffee. That’s something. I can start there. The warm cup in my hands is soothing, pleasant, and I savor the sensation. It’s even a good cup of coffee. The environment here is lovely. Quiet. Tidy. Something to look forward to coming back to. I can make it an early night if I choose. I can bring a healthy lunch to the office and practice good self-care, fairly easily. Doing so will insulate my fatigued self from potential missteps through the day.

I wake up, slowly, and as I do, I feel less unprepared for my feeling of fatigue, more able to cope with it. It’s a good beginning. Another cup of coffee, and I will be ready for the drive, too.

I smile. Finish this cup of coffee, and get ready to begin again. 🙂

Tags anxiety, be the change, begin again, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, finally fell asleep, good self-care, I didn't sleep at all last night, mindfulness matters, practicing the practices, ptsd, so tired, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, there are verbs involved, tossing and turning, walking my own path, what matters most?

Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, Frustration, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Sleepless Nights, Summer, The Art of Being

Another Turn of the Wheel

August 27, 2018 //

I woke ahead of the alarm this morning. I was already smiling. What a lovely weekend this was. I smile through my yoga. I smile through my shower. I smile while I am making coffee, and while I am sipping it in the darkness, pre-dawn, on the deck, in the cool morning air. There is the smallest hint of autumn in the air. I smile at that, too.

…A quiet content thought is voiced silently in the background even as I stand smiling in the darkness. “This too shall pass.” It’s true, too; there is no state of being that is “forever”. Moments pass. Experiences fade from recollection. Intensity of emotion diminishes over time. Flowers wither and their color fades. Friends move on. Relationships end. Jobs, situations, circumstances… things change with the passage of time. Like a great DJ set, sometimes we fail to notice change in the moment, realizing after-the-fact that change has come over us.

I’m still smiling.

This moment right here? Choice. It’s a good one, no doubt. I could, of course, reach out into the world for something to unsettle or distress me. There’s plenty out there. There’s also more than ample opportunity later for the world to knock the smile off my face. This smile, too, shall pass – at some point. I don’t need to rush that process. I sip my coffee, still smiling, listening to music from a party I did not attend in person, and appreciating the technology that lets me enjoy it now. It’s a good start to a Monday, a smile and great music… an excellent start, in fact, to an entire week. Still smiling, I glance at the clock.

…It’s already time to begin again. 🙂

Tags Bass Church, be here now, be the change, begin again, being and becoming, change is, choose wisely, crushing on the DJ, dance to the music, emotional self sufficiency, experience, I am my own cartographer, it's a big menu, it's almost like being there, live this moment here, Mondays are okay too, p.s. I love you, perspective, practicing the practices, present, ptsd, smiling, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, this too shall pass and that's okay, what matters most?, you had to be there

Categories Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Summer, The Art of Being