Archives for posts with tag: taking care of me

Work gets super busy. I get pulled in a lot of directions, and there are a lot of things to get done in a day. Life gets busy at home, too, and there are so many tasks to complete, and moments to live. A single distraction can become a cascade of distractions, and suddenly I’ve got no bandwidth for what matters most… whatever that may be. I don’t think this is unusual, and I’m pretty sure we all deal with it.

I’m sipping my coffee this morning, contemplating the distraction that is the cough heard from the other room. My Traveling Partner, awake early. Very early. No telling if he’s starting his day (seems rather early for that)… and my mind is now occupied with the distracting puzzle; do I abandon my morning writing, and routine, to just chill with him and sip coffee until the clock ticks past the usual departure time? Do I remain steadfast in my commitment to writing, and meditation? I’m not even certain, myself, which way this goes – now that I am distracted. lol

Holding my focus in the midst of distractions is still a challenge. It’s one of the things I “broke up with Facebook” over; the loss of focus it was creating in my consciousness. The cognitive “tic” that had developed over time (the compulsive checking of social media accounts) definitely interferes with my ability to focus. It very nearly destroyed my ability to watch a movie (too long) or read a book (too slow, too much work). I wasn’t willing to give those things up.  The “tic” is still with me; I reach out and touch my phone a lot, then realize why, and just let it go. Over and over. It’s less now than a week ago, which reminds me it will eventually be just a former habit, that has been extinguished through disuse. 🙂 It is a reminder that we become what we practice – for good or not so good.

I set my sights on more constructive, suitably useful practices that help me become the woman I most want to be, and begin again. 🙂

I am getting over this cold fairly quickly, and chose to work a partial day from home to balance the urgent needs that are to do with work, with the also urgent need to care for myself. So far so good. 🙂

I woke to a misty rainy morning. I stood in the open doorway to the deck with my coffee before dawn, feeling the cold Spring draft coming up from the seasonal stream beyond the yard. It was lush. Lovely. Chilly. So very quiet, at least until the early commuters began to make their way down the road toward the city.

I worked awhile. I enjoyed my coffee, and laid plans to see work in progress through to completion, based on new information. I considered open projects, and took on tasks I was up to. I worked, comfortably. I can reliably say I didn’t get anyone else sick with this, today. 🙂

In between the work spaces, tasks, and actions, there was Spring. The misty pre-dawn twilight became a rainy gray dawn. It is now a soft neutral gray morning, a steady rain falling, small stinging Spring droplets, almost just a mist, but falling densely enough to soak through clothes rather quickly. I watch it from indoors, smiling. The garden doesn’t mind the mist, the chill, or the rain at all. Seedlings sprout. New shoots break through bare soil. Birds and chipmunks explore the changes since yesterday, hoping for a bite of breakfast.

Spring.

I answer emails from friends once I’ve ended my few hours of work for the day. There is so much satisfaction in doing so. I feel connected, visible, enriched, and grateful. Hell of a good start to the week, in spite of being sick.

Spring. Today. This moment, right here. It’s enough. 🙂

Today it’s all pain and head cold symptoms. Bleh. Okay, okay, realistically, it is only some pain, and a few mild head cold symptoms, but the two uncomfortable sets of experiences pretty nearly dominate my thoughts and experience for the moment. So human. I try distracting myself with my morning coffee, so… now I’m also… nauseous. Great. I write some, hoping to distract myself from the headache or the arthritis (either would be fine, as an improvement, it’s not realistic to count on diminishing both). Now the glare of the monitor has made the headache worse, and this chair feels so much less comfortable than I recall it being.

Pain and cold symptoms? Huh. Sounds like the rest of the day will likely be made up of self-care, naps, and chicken soup. lol Ancient wisdom of the ages, no Rx required. Time to shift gear from coffee to broth, tea, water, and diluted juice. Time to get out of this chair. Time to walk away from this monitor. Time to take care of this fragile vessel.

This too shall pass. lol

Maybe tomorrow I’ll properly begin again. Right now, I think I’ll just… lay down. 😉

An excellent cup of coffee in the morning, and random thoughts chasing other random thoughts. I sat down with my coffee, and without a plan. Cars start up in other driveways, and there is a steady shhh-shhh on the road beyond the driveway as earlier commuters than I make their way toward whatever job they do. They’ve got theirs. I’ve got mine. Another day.

I’m not blue, or anxious, or fretting about some small thing of little actual consequence. I’ve still got this “headache” – let’s call it a headache. Convenient to have a word for it. lol Life is… life. Choices are made and acted upon. Promises are made, and kept – or broken. Trust is established, then breached. Humans are being human. Everywhere. All of them. There is no point in catastrophizing some one detail; it is fairly commonly the catastrophizing, itself, that is the stress and the drama. Still, we seem wired for it.

A flower, a morning, a beginning.

I yawn. Let all that go. Sip my coffee. Listen to the rain fall. Sit, present, in the morning stillness, waiting to begin again.

I’m drinking coffee and giving thought to the day ahead. Days ahead. The weekend, too. Building a mental map of what is likely to come, and also gently letting that go; the map is not the world. Hell, it’s not even properly a map; it’s just a sense of direction. 🙂

A local transit map gets me across town, but tells me nothing much about the places to which I travel.

Maps are funny things. They give me a sense of security about the direction I’m headed, and some hints and pointers about how to get where I’m going. I appreciate those things. I also recognize that there are some limitations. Maps have scale, and boundaries; anything too small disappears from view, anything outside the borders isn’t shown. Depending on the distance I want to travel, or the complexity of the journey, any one map may be unsuited to the purpose.

Other maps, other details; not all maps suit all purposes.

If I take the wrong map on the hiking trip, I could easily become very lost. 🙂 Too little detail, and I don’t see the trails to follow. Too much detail, I don’t see important details of the terrain. Get in too close, and I can’t see “a bigger picture”. Pull away too far, and I lose a sense of context, and place. Perspective matters, on the trail, on the commute, and in life. The accuracy of the map matters, too.

I fell yesterday. I was walking briskly across a busy street, after work, heading to the train platform, and slipped on a rain-slick manhole cover. I fell hard, into the street, onto the train tracks. I hit the ground hard enough to knock the air out of my lungs, and I struggled to pick myself up easily. I was shaken, and stood confused, on the sidewalk for some moments. Passers-by expressed concern. I wasn’t entirely coherent, for some seconds. My jeans were soaked on the side of my body that took the impact. I walk across that street almost every day. You’d think I’d have mastered it by now. My mental map did not have that manhole cover noted anywhere, and the risk escaped my notice as I hurried along.

I got home with minimal frustration, still aching all over from falling. I made a trip to the store, because I’d said I would, but my head was still reeling a bit from the fall, and I made the trip short and very efficient. I really just wanted to go home. I felt vulnerable, raw, and very very mortal. I felt betrayed by my awareness, and overly sensitive to the excessive real-world detail strewn about all around me. Overwhelmed by the sudden awareness that I just don’t notice everything, I was feeling a bit anxious, and still kind of dizzy from the fall.

I got home, and just as I was breathing a sigh of relief, hands full of shopping bags, and also juggling my keys, my cane, and my backpack… the door would not unlock. Fuck. I snarled at the door and tried again. Nope. Not unlocking. I snapped. I felt my consciousness winding up to prepare me to lash out against that wretched, cursed, unresponsive door, and just as the stream of invective began to leave my lips – my Traveling Partner opened the door with a sheepish, loving smile, and an apology; he’d locked the door knob (I lock the deadbolt). I started to cry, he immediately offered me comfort. We moved on from the moment very quickly. He made sure I was really okay, and helped me look after my health properly. No obvious lasting damage, honestly. I just fell. I got back up. I got home safely. We enjoyed a lovely evening. Well and good. 🙂

The mental map matters every bit as much as any physical map ever has. Expectations, unchecked, often result in disappointment, confusion, resentment, and frustration. Assumptions that are not verified against actual facts, can lead to some terrible decision-making, miscommunication, and poor quality relationships. Even simple lack of awareness can wreck a map and render it entirely useless due to lack of relevant details. I’m just saying – it’s not enough to take just any map, it also needs to be a map of the correct place, and drawn to the correct scale, using an accurate perspective.

If you’re struggling to get where you are going in life… maybe it’s time to redraw the map? 😀