Archives for the month of: December, 2018

I am awake early. Too early. It was 2:35 am when I woke. Like… totally awake, woke. As in, not going back to sleep levels of awake. Well… shit. I’m up. lol

…On the other hand? Today’s a travel day, and I can either take my leisure with the morning, or hit the highway earlier. Either works for me. No wrong answer. So… I guess that means it’s time to make coffee. πŸ˜€

My coffee is tasty – nice job there, Me – but somehow I managed to make only about 2/3 of a cup of coffee. Weird. (To be fair, my “usual” cup of coffee is a 16 oz mug – that’s about 500 ml – thus 2/3 is still a plenty decent sized cup of coffee, so, it’s not like I made any effort to do anything about it.) It got me thinking about coffee for the drive. I can’t find my travel-mug-of-choice anywhere… and if I hit the road at or before 4 am, nothing much will be open. lol It all seems dreadfully complicated… so…

…I let that shit go. It’s a non issue. Doesn’t matter enough to fuss over. πŸ˜‰

I enjoy a few moments of conversation with a not-all-that-distant friend (just far enough away that we don’t see each other, although with minimal effort we easily could). He’s eager to hang out, calls me “beautiful”. I note both the delight I feel at the compliment, and the immediate suspicion that follows it. I take a breath, and let that go, too. I give my demons a wink. “Not today, fuckers, not today”, I say to myself, and return to my coffee. I smile, content to feel warmed by the nice compliment. Then I let that go to.

Today is not a day to cling to illusions. The New Year approaches, and it’s a fantastic moment for letting things go. πŸ™‚

I sip my coffee, continue the conversation, glance at the time… damn, I was up early. It’s not yet 4:00 am. Car is loaded. I’m showered and dressed. This is all going very well, so far. πŸ˜€

The weekend ahead looks to be a busy one. Out of town. Filled with moments, friends, parties, and comings & goings. Writing will take commitment. I remind myself to bring my laptop. I remind myself it’s already in the car. lol Am I really awake enough to get such an early start?

I think about that one. Then I let that shit go. Bullshit insecurity. Bullshit doubt. My anxiety lying to me. Letting it go is a breath away.

I breathe. Sip my coffee. Finish up a flirtatious conversation. Consider the day ahead. I’m eager to see my Traveling Partner. He is eager to see me. We share a peculiarly intense love that sometimes still finds me wondering if this can actually be real. This doubt, too, I let go of. It’s not necessary to instill each moment with doubt. That’s just baggage, and at 55, I have to admit that if I indulge or cling to it, the choice is mine.

I choose to let that shit go.

Well, look at that – it’s already time to begin again. πŸ™‚


I am home for the day, preparing for the long holiday weekend ahead. Having a quiet cup of tea, vaping something pleasant tasting, and watching the vapor curl in wisps as the cloud breaks up as I exhale. “Vaping” is a verb now. I ponder the way language changes with the times. I wonder if things are still “on fleek” and if “fam” is still “lit”. I smile, breathe, relax; this is my time, my moment, and I am content with it just as it is, wedged between the shhh-shhh of commuter traffic at the edge of the driveway, and the chug-chug of the washing machine, down the hall. The noise doesn’t matter, this evening, and it is not disturbing this somehow-still-quiet moment.

I am thinking of “is” and of “isn’t”, and the year just finishing up, as I peer cautiously ahead to the year that is imminent. I am thinking rather carefully of “essence” and “essentials”, and hoping to stay on the path of sufficiency. Right now, at least, it is rather easy not being tempted by excess. I just don’t have the resources for that, and 2019 looks like a year that I will spend rebuilding reserves, planning with care, and being most particular to avoid wastefulness.

I catch my thoughts on a hook as they brush past a word – “essence”. Fancy. What is “essence”, really?

…I love the future. πŸ˜€

So… yeah… “the intrinsic nature or indispensable quality of something, especially something abstract, that determines its character”. Essence. Got it. I ponder the word, and the idea of it for some minutes.

What “is” my “essence”? Is that a thing that I am? Have? Is it a state of being? A verb? An experience of self? A defining characteristic identified by others? Do I choose it? Chase it? Live it? Question it?

Is “what is my essence” simply a fancier, wordier, version of the lingering question “who am I”?

How would my “essence” influence my experience of life – or of self?

Are these questions that need asking, and answering, or is this a game?

Just questions tonight, I suspect, as I close in on the New Year. It’s a season of change, and of reflection. It is a season of choices, memories, and moments.

…the new year is a blank page…

I put questions aside, and make time for gratitude. The house is comfortable, tidy, and warm. The bills are paid. I have what I need, generally; I am fortunate. I reflect on good fortune, and the temptation to feel “deserving” or that this life is entirely “earned” on my own effort. Both the notion of being “deserving” and the notion of having gotten here “on my own” are illusions, nothing more, and I turn away from the thinking errors that bring me to those ideas. I’m fortunate. I’ve had a lot of lucky breaks. I’ve had help, encouragement, support – and all of that matters. I would not be “here”, had I been less fortunate, or if I had had to make this journey entirely without friend, or aid, all alone. I’d be somewhere quite different, and, perhaps, however grateful to be in that place, I might also be an entirely different human being, with a different understanding of myself, and different dreams, walking a different path, toward a different future.

That, too, I let go, as the twilight of winter evening slowly fades to the darkness of nightfall. No reason to become attached to notions in the darkness. Grateful and inquisitive – these seem worthy of being some part of my essence. Contentment, too. I smile, and make room to appreciate the journey, and the woman I have become over time.

Tomorrow, I’ll begin again. There is further to go. πŸ™‚

Sipping my coffee and letting my thoughts drift this morning. There’s a lot of fucking drama swirling around me, and people dear to me seem mired in it. Upon a closer look, they’re often causing it, seeking it, stoking it, creating it, and wrapping themselves in it as if for warmth. Yeesh. If you don’t want drama in your life… choose something else. Just saying.

Yes, I mean that seriously. lol It’s feasible.

Yes. Yes it is entirely feasible.

No, I’m not kidding.

Let’s start somewhere obvious (to me). Let’s start with language. Defining things is a thing we do. We use “is” to take a thing, and firmly connect it to a characteristic, which will then define that thing. “This ball is blue.” Easy example. I haven’t shown you a photograph, or provided any evidence, but now, you can picture, for yourself, that “the ball E.H. has is blue” and even “see” that, in your mind.

By the way; I’ve got no ball, blue or otherwise. Whole thing is a made up example. Just saying; we do this sort of thing to ourselves, with our own “defining characteristics” – and the things we think about other people – all the fucking time. Instant drama, particularly when there’s no ball there at all.

Seriously. That shit isn’t real. Or true. It’s totally made up.

Yeah…but… what color is my imaginary ball? You know, the one I was talking about?

Oh. That ball. It’s blue. Obviously. I already said.

…You see where this could go? How easily we can be misled? By our own words?

Whatever characteristics you ascribe to yourself through “is” and “am” have real power to change how you think and talk about yourself, how you treat yourself, how you treat others, and how you behave. It changes who you see yourself to be. When you ascribe characteristics to others, through “is”, you create a clear picture of them inΒ  your mind, of who they “are”, and in so doing, you change who you see them to be – without any actual connection to their actual self. Who you think they are will change how you treat them, but it does not change who they in fact are. lol

I’m just saying, be careful with your words. Be careful with defining things – or yourself. You can really lock yourself into a set of behaviors or characteristics that may not be the person you most want to be.

Do you see where this is leading? Toward the suggestion that you use great care and precision when defining yourself? A suggestion to maybe not define yourself so specifically at all? A suggestion that there is value in disconnecting your sense of self from your historical actions, to lift yourself out of less than ideally desirable patterns of behavior, and allow yourself freedom to move on from all that? Yes. That’s where this is going. Do that. πŸ™‚

You’ll still be accountable (and responsible) for your actions. This is not about that. This is, though, about moving on, and becoming well, and making positive changes. This is about perception, language, and how language influences how we treat ourselves and others.

Show yourself some kindness, for fuck’s sake. You can do better, and you surely deserve some kindness, and encouragement, from the person in the mirror. πŸ™‚

I take one last look at this blue ball, before I toss it away. It takes practice to refrain from defining ourselves by our mistakes, our worst decisions, our perceived flaws, the essence of how we are criticized in life, or the bullshit we hear (even from ourselves) every day. That ball may bounce, but trust me, it’s not real anyway. Let it go.

It’s time to begin again. πŸ™‚

It’s a Wednesday morning after a Tuesday holiday, and a long weekend. Little more to say about this new beginning, than that. πŸ˜‰

It’s been a lovely holiday with my Traveling Partner. Blissful? Yep. Contented? Entirely. Delighted? Oh, definitely. Hell, I’m already “missing him” and I haven’t left for work yet, and he’s still sleeping in the other room. lol What a wonderful holiday. How fortunate I am to be so well-loved, so valued, so highly regarded, so cherished! πŸ™‚

Nonetheless, and all that loveliness aside, it remains time to begin again. A few days of work ahead of me, then another holiday… then a new year. πŸ™‚ That’s a lot of beginnings just ahead. I’m ready. Are you ready? Shall we, then?

It’s a good time for a new beginning.

Merry Giftmas, Humans! (Or not; your choice.)

I am seriously hoping each of you, out there in the world, are finding moments, and experiences, worthy of real joy, today. In spite of personal heartbreak, in spite of logistical or financial challenges, in spite of whatever baggage and bullshit you are lugging around for whatever reason, in spite of the turmoil in the world, in spite of the chaos and damage you have endured over time, in spite of petty resentments, erroneous assumptions, and being fully and wholly made of pure human… in spite of all of that, I hope you are merry today. Hell, I hope you are generally merry, as well. I hope you choose what delights you, more often than you choose whatever pisses you off most, or makes you sad, or hurts your heart… being human is not without its challenges. I hope you find merriment within the chaos and the hardship. I hope you make merry regardless of the sometimes unreasonably high level of bullshit and douche-baggery so common to human experience.

Why not choose it? Why not choose to lift yourself up, as often, as skillfully, and to whatever dizzying heights of merriment you can achieve? Doesn’t being content, and filled with practical simple joy, feel ever so much better than misery? We choose that too… for some reason, it’s a much easier choice (seems a bit unfair, but there it is; joy takes rather more practice than heartache).

It’s a lovely moment for joy. This one. Right here. Right now. Take a breath, and find your joy, if you’ve misplaced it. πŸ™‚ Trust that the decision to let some minor aggravation go feels a bit better than letting it fester. Setting clear boundaries, kindly, but without equivocating, feels so much better than letting yourself be walked on. Clarifying assumptions, and clear expectation-setting feel much better than disappointment. Our honest authentic selves enjoying the honest authentic selves of those dear to us feels so much better than anxious pretense.

I’m just saying… Merry Giftmas, Humans. Choose wisely. ❀