I consider writing an amusing anecdote about my deeply shitty, complicated day, yesterday, but I don’t really feel like soaking myself in that bullshit this morning. It’s a new day.
[No AI is used in writing or editing this blog. This is human content for human readers.]
The pizza I came home to, and the love it represented, are by far more important now. I was exhausted. It was late by the time I got home. A detail as small seeming as not having to handle dinner meant a lot. I ended up staying up later than usual, just to enjoy feeling so loved for a few minutes longer, at the end of a long day that had been aggravation stacked on an unstable ziggurat of meaningless corporate bullshit, and soaked in small misadventures and inconvenient circumstances. It was all much. It meant so much to wipe it all from my thoughts with pizza, and my Traveling Partner’s loving good company.
This morning, I feel largely over my head cold. I hope I’m right. (Time to get my flu shot.)
So…now what? I guess a routine work day, and then a weekend. It’s enough. I yawn. Stargate awhile. No moon, but I spot Jupiter without her. Bright white clouds, illuminated by lights from below, begin to cover the western sky. I wonder what the weather holds?
I sigh contentedly, enjoying the peace out here on the trail. Soon enough I’ll have to begin again.
It’s a head cold, probably. I’m fine for most of the important values of “fine”, and this will pass. I got home on…Tuesday? Tuesday. I went to bed almost immediately, and crashed hard. I slept for hours, until my Traveling Partner woke me to be sure I took my routine medications and had some calories. We hung out a little while until feeling crappy sent me back to bed.
[No AI is used in writing or editing this blog. This is human content for human readers.]
I woke yesterday, Wednesday, and it was all I could do to drag myself through an abbreviated form of my morning routine and drop my dumb ass into my office chair and log into work tools. I’d have called out were it not for several items due that day that could neither be delayed nor delegated. So I did the thing. Very American of me. I’m a dumbass.
I did my best to juggle self-care and work, all day, and when the day ended? I went back to bed. No lie. I slept until the evening, got up for meds, calories, and some lovely quiet time with my beloved… and then went back to bed. Again. I slept through the night.
Here it is a new day. I hope I feel more better as the day progresses. I hate being ill. I miss my walk. (Very human). It’s fine. Tomorrow I can begin again.
It’s fine. I’m fine. Everything is “fine”… Sort of. Mostly.
[No AI is used in writing or editing this blog. This is human content for human readers.]
I’m down with a headcold and pinched by circumstances between time sensitive work crap no one will remember a year from now, and my partner griefing me to take better care of myself.
…So I stopped working, and I’m going back to bed. These stupid human meat suits are always breaking down in one disappointing way or another. At least this is just a headcold. Could be worse.
I stretch my aching body. Virus. I sigh irritably and have a sip of tea. Soothing. I’ll nap and begin again later.
I could see the moon rising as I left the house this morning. It is presently a thin crescent, seeming to cup Jupiter in an unearthly embrace. It is rising in the eastern night sky. I try to get a picture from the trailhead parking lot.
[No AI is used in writing or editing this blog. This is human content for human readers.]
Honestly, if I were using AI, the picture might have turned out a little sharper. 😆 It wouldn’t really be the picture I took, then, would it?
The crescent moon and Jupiter in the night sky.
Tuesday. I sigh to myself, grateful to face another day, in spite of my background irritation over the state of the world more generally.
…Rape is in the news again. How many times do we have to go over this shit? Damn. The ignorance and malice are astonishing and it’s hard to believe it just keeps coming up. I’m sure a lack of education plays a role in some sexual assaults, but I feel similarly certain that in most of them the perpetrator is very much aware of the terrible nature of their crimes.
I frown to myself in the darkness and sigh quietly. Some wounds don’t heal easily. (Or well, or… maybe ever. Yeah, it’s rough every time this shit comes up all over again.)
I have the trail to myself. There’s nothing much to fear alone out here. One individual man approaching would be enough to make me wary and put me on high alert, scanning for escape routes, weapons, and potential threats. Rape rarely seems to have any consequences for the rapist, even in the 21st century. It reliably has consequences for the survivor. That lost trust is a big one.
I breathe, exhale, and relax. It’s a mild autumn morning. I’m in a ridiculous amount of pain today. It makes me cross and gloomy. I’d very much prefer to just go back to bed, but it’s a work day, and I’m halfway down this trail…
… Shit. I forgot my radio, my water bottle, the returns that need to be dropped off, and also? I’ve used up my last tissue and I feel like I may be coming down with a cold. Right. “Okay, Tuesday, you’ve had your fun,” I think to myself.
Can we each simply commit to not being fucking vile today? I blow out my breath impatiently. I’m feeling a little overwhelmed (by life, by work), and overextended. Acknowledging the feeling is a necessary step towards resolving it, but doesn’t make doing something about it any easier, and I’m pretty certain it’s largely (if unintentionally) self inflicted.
I had a choice opportunity to relax at home, quietly, alone, last night and I fucked it all up by tackling some needful tasks that became hours of working. By the time my Traveling Partner had returned, I’d gotten a few useful things done, but hadn’t relaxed at all. My dreams during the night were filled with… more work. Passwords that hadn’t saved. Spreadsheets with strange errors I’d never seen before. Presentations that were openly mocked and files that wouldn’t open. I was glad to wake to a new day, even if it is a fucking Tuesday.
… The weekend feels so far away, in both directions…
I watch the moon continue her climb. It’s almost daybreak, almost time to begin again.
Music is funny stuff. It’s not just pleasing to the ears, it’s also a sort of a “time machine”, after a fashion.
[No AI is used in writing or editing this blog. This is human content for human readers.]
I woke this morning with a song in my head, which persistently tried to carry me back to a moment on a hot summer day in Texas, in 1986. I’ve nothing to do there/then, and resist the pull of that long ago moment in favor of this one, here, now.
As I walk down the trail in the dark, I do manage to “change the channel”. My “inner playlist” cues up something a bit moodier, still tugging my attention towards the past.
Hmph. No time for time machines this morning. I stop on the trail and open a music app. I pick out a “mood resetter” and walk on. That’s better. In the darkness the beat powers my steps. I don’t have any experiences or emotions paired to this track, either, and my thoughts return to the moment I’m in.
… Sometimes “the Wayback Machine” is handy, other times less so…
I get to my halfway point and take a few minutes to relax in the peaceful predawn darkness. The weekend was a pleasant one. I sit smiling to myself, thinking about the time spent in the studio and time spent with my Traveling Partner, and an excellent stir-fry on Saturday. Pleasant and ordinary and wholesome, and a beautiful memory worth savoring.
I breathe, exhale, and relax. It’s a comfortable routine at this point; get up early, walk, meditate, write, then begin the work day. I sit quietly under the starry sky. This feeling right here is one that I worked a long time to be able to experience. Worth it. Contentment and a soft quiet joy are worth making changes for, and worth all the practicing of practices.
… Your results may vary…
I sigh to myself. Contentment is an amazing feeling. Curious that we don’t talk about it more – we’re too focused on chasing happiness to notice more subtle (and potential lasting) emotions like contentment. I sit with my thoughts, watching a curious mist gathering. It hangs in a distinct layer above my head. Hints of daybreak appear. I stretch and get to my feet. Of course, it’s time to begin, again.
