Archives for posts with tag: breathe

It’s today, already? Again? Wow – a whole entire new day ahead of me to get started with. I’m not feeling especially ambitious about it, but… there are certainly more than a few things I’d like to start, start over, work on, or finish… so… there’s that. lol

…I could so easily go back to bed for a few more hours…

Well. It somehow manages to be time, already, to get my things together and head to the office. The weekend was quite delightful, and still very much present in my experience of this moment, right here. Time to let that go, while still enjoying the sensation and recollections of it. πŸ™‚

This moment, now, is very much enhanced by remaining firmly within it. Present. Here. I finish my coffee, ready to begin again.

I am sipping my coffee in a state of contentment and feeling generally okay after an entire day of rest, following the recreational weekend. It’s worth it to take time to get adequately rested. So often, I enjoy a great time, let that occasion undermine my self-care, and move on to a new work week, and interacting with people, without “getting caught up”, and really caring for myself. It’s a poor choice to take that approach.

How much Monday misery is fully and wholly a byproduct of enthusiastic weekend endeavors? Probably quite a lot of it, and I suspect that Monday’s reputation for being a shitty day of the week is caused more by hangovers of various sorts, than by any actual day-of-week-related flaw. (Don’t even start with me about how you “don’t get hangovers”; the science suggests otherwise, and if you don’t like the word, don’t use the word, but for fuck’s sake don’t bullshit yourself about needed after-care!)

I’m sitting here grateful to be more aware of such things than I was when I was in my 20s – my quality of life could have been so much better, and there could have been so much less fucking drama! “Self-care” was not in my vocabulary.

I smile, and sip my coffee. Yeah… I don’t even try to go off the coffee. I recognize the irony. I don’t avert my eyes from the lessons I learn about addiction, generally, and good self-care, just because this particular intoxicant is legal. The legality of any given intoxicant has not one thing to do with whether it is effective, or what effects it actually has, or whether there is a hangover. Words are not experiences. Experiences exist independent of the words we use to describe them.

Take care of yourselves out there in the world, Party People! It’s Monday. Tomorrow is “terrible Tuesday”, too, and intoxicants vary widely in both effect, and duration of effect. If you’re working, you may not be at your best. That annoying argument? Probably a byproduct of your chemistry – you’re usually so much more reasonable, and measured in your responses. That flare up of bad temper? Yeah, excessive is a good word for that – it’s worth reminding yourself that you’re probably prone to being a bit over-reactive right now. You could do better. Are you drinking enough water? Have you had nutritionally dense healthy calories? Have you gotten the rest you need? You don’t need to dissolve into a private emo nightmare of drama and woe – you can practice good self-care, and heighten your self-awareness. Being more considerate of yourself (and, let’s be frank, of others) may ease some of the (literal) headaches of a (hungover) Monday… I’m just saying; you have choices. πŸ˜‰ Your results may vary, but you can choose how to deal with that, too. πŸ™‚

…Adulting takes so much practice. Have you “already completely fucked this day up”? Just begin again. ❀

Before I get much further, here’s this. Humor helps with the anger thing, kind of a lot. πŸ™‚ Battling evil is exhausting – be sure to take care of yourself, and make time to laugh. πŸ˜‰

This morning, I woke briefly, turned over, and began to return to a deep luxurious sleep. No idea what woke me, doesn’t matter much, really. As I sank into slumber, the thought drifted past that I might regret going back to sleep if the alarm went off right away, you know? I dislike that experience. lol So, I thought to just quickly check the time, and peeked at my fitness tracker just to be certain it wasn’t 3:45 or some shit, in which case, I’d generally just get up. 5:54 am. Huh.

5:54 am??!Β Holy shit – how is it 5:54 am?? My alarm! It didn’t go off? No, no… I didn’t set it!Β Shit. SHIT. I’m running late for work! Fucking hell!! I’m immediately out of bed. In seconds I am mostly dressed. Hell, I have decided on sandals instead of socks and hiking boots, before I’ve finished quickly brushing my hair and teeth. Work badge. Car keys. My most efficient and compact EDC (“everyday day carry” – the essentials): driver’s license tucked into my card case, tucked into my pocket. My medication! Back to the bathroom. Almost ready. …I’ll email the office from the car, while it warms up… I remind myself to breathe, to slow my pace; I’m just about ready to go. I can get coffee on the way… It’s 6:06 am.

In the quick sweep, room to room, before I head out the door, I notice the cash on the dining room table (I rarely carry cash unless I am specifically going to a market or event where cards are not reliably accepted) and pick it up to put it in my pocket. I am reminded, as I do so, that I was going to a weekend market on Sunday… that’s what the cash is for.

…on Sunday.

…on. Sunday. …

… … …

Omg.

I stop in my tracks. My head begins to clear. It is Sunday. Right now. Sunday. Sunday morning. One of only two days I can sleep in, most weeks. lol Fucking Sunday. I do not need to be up at 4:00 am. 5:54 am is not “over-sleeping” anything at all, and I am not needed or expected in the office today. I deliberately did not set my alarm because I did not need to be up at a specific time. Fucking hell. I am, however, entirely awake, in the sense that I’m not going to be able to go back to sleep now.

I take a deep breath. I make coffee. I kick off my sandals. I take off my work badge. I hang my car keys on the hook inside the kitchen, just by the door. Another deep breath. Another. I give myself over to self-care, and things like getting my heart rate down, and regaining some perspective. “Overdrive” is intense. lol

This is not actually a novel experience for me, and I consider it a form of sleep disturbance, myself; getting unstuck from time such that I am quite convinced it is a different day/moment/time than it actually is, specifically as a byproduct of dreaming it is so, or not being awake enough to recognize when I actually am, and panicking, committing to the unnoticed error, and taking urgent-seeming actions. It’s all very real… and then, eventually, something alerts me of the mistake, and I can get myself sorted out. One reliable consequence? I can’t get back to sleep.

This “coming unstuck in time” thing is not a frequent thing to come up, but when it does, it is intense, and holds the potential to disrupt 100% of all the lives sharing my space in that moment – because I’m not actually fully awake, just on high alert – and autopilot – and I don’t manage limits, boundaries, and interactions very well in that state. I will wake everyone else up and urge them also into action, fairly…um… “enthusiastically”, so firm is my commitment to my experience in that moment. It’s my reality, until I know better. Inconvenient.

I’m pretty pleased with figuring it out before I left for the office. I’m most definitely capable of driving in that condition – but my judgement and understanding of my perceptions is impaired. It’s likely that the “easy commute” would not have been enough to correct my misperceptions. I’m feeling pretty grateful that I made a point to get cash for the market yesterday – usually I just do it on my way, on Sunday. LOL

Well, shit. Now I’m awake though. Early for a Sunday morning. Good cup of coffee, made with loving hands, and an amused smile. I’m not taking this weirdness personally. No need. It’s just a thing. The moment is already behind me.

Time to begin again. πŸ˜‰ I’ll start with enjoying this coffee…

 

Yesterday was a good one. Productive at work, minimum hassles, an easy commute in both directions, a comfortably chill evening that was also an evening on which I got a few things done; it was lovely.

I sit sipping my coffee and considering it, smiling, feeling content. It’s not that it’s some specific requirement to give yesterday more time, today; it’s just a great practice to make time to savor good moments. Doing so regularly has the power to slowly rewire my brain to be more easily able to bounce back from stress, to live in the context of implicit recollection (and limited certainty) that more difficult moments will be quite temporary, and that life is, generally, good. I have found it a highly effective practice, and along with practicing explicit willful gratitude, it is a practice that has taken me a long way from those dark days, well behind me now, of being mired in past trauma and present stress.

The day begin most delightfully with a ludicrously easy commute. I hit all the lights green. There just wasn’t anyone in front of me. It was… relaxed. There was that big full moon in the sky. It was quite pleasant and utterly stress free. I got into the office, got the work day started, and noticed that big beautiful moon sinking low over the city. I made time for that moment, right then and there, and alerted a camera-toting coworker of the opportunity to grab a couple cool city shots, each of us, sharing that experience with each other. It was fun. A great way to take a break.

One lovely moment. One beautiful city.

The day continued from that point, a series of moments, a series of opportunities, a series of choices. It was a very good day. The evening, and even the commute home, was equally pleasant, and, yes, productive. I managed to get a few things done before yielding to fatigue and arthritis pain, and those things were more merely the end of a day, than any hardship. Balance. It was… worth remembering. πŸ™‚

So, I sit here with my coffee smiling. One nice thing about such an extraordinarily pleasant day? I experienced that, which means it can occur, and if it can occur, and has occurred at least once previously, it could occur again, making it all quite possible. I like that idea. πŸ™‚ It wholly undermines that annoying experience that is characteristic of despair – the feeling that nothing good can come of anything we say or do, and that only bad outcomes truly exist, and well, fuck… then why bother, at all, it’s only misery and more misery, anyway? Yeah. Not pleasant. Also – not true. πŸ˜€ I can do better.

I notice the time. I finish my coffee. The day awaits, and it is time to begin again. πŸ˜€

I woke feeling better this morning, after a rather dismal early night of feeling fairly ill. It’s behind me. I feel better. I’m grateful.

I made my coffee, and read messages from my Traveling Partner, while waiting for water to boil. I smile, reminded that today is payday. I didn’t quite scamper to my desk with my coffee; time to pay bills!! πŸ˜€

…Wait…

…I don’t even like paying bills or “dealing with the money shit“… What is this about?

I sit down and review my budget, look over the banking details and the pending and upcoming bills, even those set to auto-pay (which is most of them). The auto-payments are all set to minimums, though, and generally I like to do better than that, particularly on debt with finance charges or interest. So, I make a few changes, and hit send on some payments.

There’s less cash in the bank account very quickly, but this amazing feeling of contentment, achievement, satisfaction, and… safety. I feel emotionally safer when my bills are paid. This particular feeling “seems new” – it’s at least new-ish,Β in the sense that for many years I did not at all understand how much of my anxiety and day-to-day discomfort in my own skin was about debt, poverty, privation, not having basic goods and services, not having enough to enjoy small luxuries… “getting by” often did not feel very good at all. I didn’t really connect that experience with my shitty money management.Β  Back then, I “managed” my finances by way of fear, anxiety, desperation, and panic. It was a less than ideal approach.

Something has changed. My finances are decently well-managed. I’ve come a long way in my career, and my ability to manage my finances (with a lot of help and emotional support from my Traveling Partner). When I need something (like, say, a car), I can usually just go for it. I don’t have the resources to live a fully cash-based luxury life, far from it, I have to plan, and be mindful with my finances, and make it a commitment to look after my resources with care, aware of the future ahead of me, which still has a lot of fucking uncertainty. Still… I’m okay right now. It’s a nice feeling.

This morning, I’m also just… yeah, my mind is still completely blown that the high point of my morning has been paying my bills. lol Something has changed, over time, about the way I view money, and how my experience of dealing with it feels. Having a few weeks riding the ragged edge of dragging my cash accounts back in time to near-zero balances, however briefly (waiting a few more weeks to buy the Mazda would have been, perhaps, wiser) was some eye-opening perspective. Once I got past the initial anxiety, and became more explicitly aware that I was processing trauma associated with money, it stopped being so worrisome, and became nothing more than a few days of waiting, and an opportunity to share my experience with my Traveling Partner, and coordinate limited shared resources more skillfully, with great care, for a couple weeks. πŸ™‚

What a nice place to be with myself. Oh, I no doubt still have some baggage about money, and about not having it. I can do better. There’s more to practice. More to learn. Still… these small celebrations of forward momentum, and positive changes that result in improved quality of life, are important; celebration means awareness, and holding these positive changes happily in my explicit awareness for a time, makes them “more real” in my implicit sense of self.

…And I just love feeling good.

I feel good. πŸ™‚

It’s time to begin again. πŸ˜€