Archives for posts with tag: mindfulness matters

The air feels somehow heavier than usual. Daybreak is yet to come. My bones ache, and years of arthritis tell me it’s going to rain sometime soon. Today? Tomorrow? I have no idea. The sky is blank smooth darkness, no visible clouds, and also no stars at all. This suggests a dense cloud layer overhead. I step out on the trail, turn my headlamp on and start walking.

[No AI is used in writing or editing this blog. This is human content for human readers.]

I get to my halfway point and stop to write and to meditate.

… I had an interesting idea in mind for this morning’s writing, yesterday evening. It’s gone now…

I’m peculiarly groggy this morning. I check the app for my CPAP machine to see how I scored as a representation of how I slept. It looks nearly perfect. I scored 100. So, I would appear to have gotten enough sleep. That’s the sort of silliness that comes of trusting a fucking app. 😆 I slept okay, based on my subjective experience. I’m also groggy. These experiences coexist in this moment. An app has nothing whatsoever to say about it.

Making assumptions based on what some app says, or clinging to expectations obtained through some app is just as foolish and fraught with problematic consequences as any other means of acquiring expectations and assumptions. The app doesn’t make a poor practice better… and if there are verbs involved (and there nearly always are), an app isn’t going to do them for me. The effort to walk my own path is mine.

Scrolling through some feed on some app? Do you really not have better, more entertaining or educational, ways to spend time? Seriously; the app is not the world, and it is not the experience, and it is not a gateway to human connection. I think more people are catching on to a better understanding of all that they lose by becoming dependent on this or that app. I’m encouraged to see it, and I hope it continues.

… there’s so much AI slop and algorithmic bullshit in the world right now…

… Maybe make a point to go outside..?

Daybreak comes, confirming my suspicion that the day would be quite cloudy. There is only the thinnest sliver of pale blue sky down low on the western horizon showing through the dense gray clouds. The rest of the sky is gray. The clouds to the east are quite dark and stormy, and sitting here in jeans and a T-shirt no longer feels like an appropriate choice.

I stretch and get to my feet with a sigh and get ready to begin again.

… It’s gone now. If only I had had the foresight to jot down the thought when it occurred to me. I sit thinking about that for awhile; the ludicrous number of times I’ve had a thought that seemed worthy of further reflection, set it aside “for later”, and then lost track of it completely.

[No AI is used in writing or editing this blog. This is human content for human readers.]

Weird world. It now costs almost $60 to fill my Mazda CX5’s gas tank with regular. Craziness. Everything costs more. Wages are worth less. Billionaires get richer. I have a doctor’s appointment later that I now regret scheduling. It’s not that I don’t need the medical care, it’s that I resent the time and expense required to obtain it. Somehow my actual health is a lower priority than shareholder profits for health insurers, and I’m pretty repulsed by that, on top of the cost and inconvenience. I sigh to myself and listen to my tinnitus ringing away in my ears.

It’s a beautiful Spring morning. I pull myself back to this moment, this place, sitting in the sunshine at the halfway point on this morning’s walk.

Blue sky and green oaks.

The sky is a clear cerulean blue this morning. I sit quietly, letting these precious solitary minutes tick by. I did a completely crappy job of “taking it easy” this weekend. My Traveling Partner needed help with this and that, and I was around. It’s hard not to offer to help, and harder still to decline if asked to be helpful for a moment or a task, and the weekend ended up consumed by those helpful efforts. I’m not mad about it, nor resentful – I’m also not well rested, nor did I get fuck-all done for “self-care”. I guess I’m grateful I didn’t hurt myself, and I got the laundry done, and some basic housekeeping along the way.

Here it is Monday. I’m not mad about that either. I’m a little annoyed about the doctor’s appointment though. I feel as if I just don’t have time to be bothered with caring for this fragile vessel at all. Fuck it – use it up! Only… there’s no way to simply get a new one. This is it. This is the mortal “vehicle” that has to carry me the entire distance on this journey. I already know I need to take better care of it.

I sigh to myself and fret over this incredibly commonplace challenge; taking care of myself, and taking time for myself, when it seems the world has other demands on my time and my energy. Adulting is hard.

My Traveling Partner gets it. He did his best to ask for my help only when he really needed it. He is encouraging me to get away for the weekend, next weekend. I’m thinking about it, but also struggling with myself to justify the expense. I breathe, exhale, and relax, and let all that go, again, to more deeply enjoy this moment in the Spring sunshine.

I sit awhile with my thoughts. I’m not going to rush the moment. The day will be busy enough later on. For now, I can slow down and just be. It’s enough. I’m grateful for this beautiful morning. I can begin again later.

… And out the door. It’s only now dawn. I made the walk around the long loop of the trail in darkness, the circle of light from my headlamp bobbing along ahead of me. I didn’t stop for long. It’s a mild gray morning, but not raining. I just didn’t feel like writing in the dark this morning.

I sneeze a few times. I use a few tissues. I take my allergy medication. I walk along marveling at modern convenience. My mind wanders with my steps as I walk this familiar trail. Lost in thought I step off into the damp grass once or twice.

I hear geese overhead as I sit writing at the start of the trail, after I’ve finished my walk. Another work day. It’s fine. I’m grateful to have a good job that keeps the bills paid and food on the table. I have a lot to be thankful for. I sit with my gratitude for some little while.

I have no idea what woke me, this morning. I wasn’t having any luck going back to sleep, so I got up. I’m unbothered by such things. I’m content to be on the trail quite early, and I’m lucky to live in a safe place where walking in the dark does not present unreasonable risk. Life doesn’t have to be overly complicated. I sit enjoying this moment now, between the trail and the workday. I feel relaxed and unhurried.

I breathe, exhale, and relax, and think of faraway friends and the many ways distance and circumstances can change us. How many years does it take to figure out who we most want to be? How many more to become that person? Still more years after that to make changes because we didn’t know then what we do know now. Being a human being can be quite complicated. So much practice needed – and what we choose to practice will determine who we become. It’d be nice to get that memo quite early, but we seem cursed to figure it out on our own, stumbling through the consequences of our actions, over time.

… Time…

Seems like there is precious little time to waste in this short finite mortal life. The path is always ahead. We choose it as we walk. We become what we practice. Our results vary. I sigh to myself. Practical truths worth reflecting on. It’s already time to begin again.

The moment begins with a coffee. Ethiopian beans, a medium roast, ground medium fine, to make a lovely pour-over to which I’ve added a bit of powdered vanilla and dried rose petals, before I begin the pour. I take my coffee to the garden.

I sip and I think, and I watch a blue jay, watching me. He is, I think, a blue jay who was born quite nearby, a couple years ago, and he returns to my garden each Spring, often following me around as I work in various flower beds and raised beds. When I walk away from one bit of work, he inspects it with interest, before following me to the next spot. I call him “Bob”, but he doesn’t answer to that name. Neither does he fly away startled. He often seems interested in what I have to say. lol Today he left me an acorn while I watched, and flew to a nearby branch to watch me. I pocketed his gift (and said “thank you” lol) and it is still in my pocket, now.

[No AI is used in writing or editing this blog. This is human content for human readers.]

… Later, my Traveling Partner will point out that the blue jay I saw is probably not the same blue jay, and that their lives are rather short. I consider that, and wonder how much memory they might pass on, reminded of a video we recently watched, about butterflies. I call them all “Bob” anyway, so in some sense it hardly matters, and the jays have never objected.

The primroses are blooming.

I spent a beautiful morning in the garden, pulling weeds from the veggie bed and putting down compost. The work is unfinished, though I got quite a lot done, and that is the way of big projects, isn’t it? We work to a plan, overcome challenges, use available resources, notice some lack in the available materials… Well shit.

I ran out of compost at about the same time that I ran out of energy, and limped out of the garden reluctantly, boots muddy, muscles sore. What a lovely way to celebrate the Equinox, hands in the fertile earth – a favorite Rite of Spring. The entire time I worked in the garden, my beloved Traveling Partner was working in his shop. I could hear the music of the machines while I worked. I found particular joy and comfort to hear the sounds of my partner working.

A new day dawns. What will you do with the opportunities?

This morning I woke ahead of my alarm, and rose expecting to feel stiff from yesterday’s effort. I feel okay. Capable. Strong. All things considered, I’m not as strong as I’d like to be and have more limitations than I prefer, but I feel good today and for all observable values of “good”, I feel pretty splendid, actually. I smile as I drive to the trailhead. It’s a lovely morning to put some miles on my boots before returning home. I’ll stop for a bag of compost on my way home and go back to the garden. It is my way of celebrating the coming of Spring. Tomorrow is soon enough for laundry and whatnot.

As I cross the marsh, I listen to the robins singing their noisy morning song, and geese calling to each other overhead. Lovely morning for walking, and I have the trail alone, too. The solitude feels like a gift. I grin and think of my Traveling Partner, sleeping at home. I’m glad he’s getting the rest he needs. He’s in the middle of a job and needs to be rested in order to be focused, relaxed, and able to work with the full measure of his skills.

I smile, feeling incredibly loved as I recall that he’s made reservations for us to celebrate our anniversary at a Michelin starred restaurant that recently appeared on a list of “best in the nation” eateries. I’m excited to go, and even more tickled that the whole thing is his idea. I feel very loved and filled with gratitude for my partner’s recovery from injury.

I walk with my thoughts all the way to far side of the marsh, past my usual halfway point. I take a side trail I usually skip, just for fun, to the top of a hill, expecting a view out over the marsh… No such view has been preserved here, and I find myself in a grove of oaks surrounded by a dense thicket of brush and shrubbery.  I’m not disappointed, just reminded how often our expectations have no direct connection to reality. It’s a pleasant spot to write and meditate, so I do that, taking a seat on a fallen tree trunk. It’s a beautiful quiet place.

I finish my writing, and my meditation, and find myself in daylight, sun up, and blue sky overhead. The garden is waiting. It’s a good time to begin again. I get to my feet and get started. The clock is ticking and this trail isn’t going to walk itself. 😁 Later, I’ll make coffee… perhaps with a hint of rose and vanilla.

First, I’m fine. I’m okay, and there’s nothing amiss in this moment. That is an important detail.

I woke abruptly to a loud noise and a sense that something was seriously wrong. I woke fully triggered and in “overdrive”, ready to react to danger – of whatever unknown type there might be. There was nothing going on of the sort I could do anything about, it was only a loud noise. A door slamming somewhere, but it could have been anything or nothing at all; along with the PTSD, I am sometimes afflicted with “exploding head” nightmares. So… suddenly waking up in a panic, fully triggered, is not an unknown sensation for me.

I’m okay. My Traveling Partner is also okay for most values of okay, though he didn’t sleep through the night. I’m grateful that he isn’t hurt. When I woke that was my first (only) concern.

I dressed and headed to the trailhead. It’s raining. Today I don’t care at all, and I’ll feel better after I burn off this adrenaline fueled energy in a healthy way. My heart is still pounding and I was trembling for awhile. In every practical sense, though, I’m okay. Years of practice have given me more resilience. Totally worth the effort, though at the time, in the moment, the discipline of practicing practices often feels a little pointless. There’s no obvious immediate return on the effort… Well… It’s subtle and not obvious. The gains are there.

…I pull on my poncho and find my headlamp…

This is my path and I’m walking it. 😄 A little rain isn’t going to stop me. I definitely need to begin again.

Seems to be very effective so far… probably doesn’t hurt that the path is mine, and that I choose it myself.

I get back to the car a bit damp but not drenched. The rain is still falling steadily. I couldn’t stop at my usual halfway point due to that bit of the trail being flooded, and the place I often sit being surrounded by a large muddy stretch and water. Nope. I just walked on. By the time I reached that point I was feeling relaxed and merry. Ready for a new day. It’s enough.

The path ahead isn’t always smooth and well lit. There are going to be rainy days. There will be obstacles along the way, and detours. Being prepared for those is sometimes a matter of acceptance and a willingness to adapt to circumstances. PTSD screams that something is an emergency, though nothing is “wrong” in that kind of way at all. Sometimes a noise is just a noise. Being able to bounce back once I’m triggered is a pretty notable win for me.

I breathe, exhale and relax. I take a few minutes for meditation in the car. It’s already time to begin again.