Archives for the month of: November, 2019

Time doesn’t wait on us to set our priorities. Reality does not take a compassionate approach toward whether or not we have a realistic perspective on our choices, timing, or whether our opinions are tied to real life. We do get to choose, though, we get to choose so much! There’s a lot of promise in that. 🙂

This weekend I chose sleep, and I chose Love, and I mostly did not choose writing. lol Sometimes it’s hard to fit all of the things into a single short period of time. 🙂 It was a lovely weekend. For the moment, I don’t at all recall what we did with it… just joyful snapshots: a breakfast out, a dinner at home, shared satisfaction tidying up this-n-that together, love, affection, and connection… certainly it’s enough. 🙂

Now I’ve got my stuff ready for the new work week. I’m dressed for it. Sipping coffee. Waking up. Nothing much on my mind. My neck, for the time being, doesn’t hurt. I pause to really notice and even celebrate that; doing so builds an adjusted implicit awareness that makes room for the recollection that I am not literally always in pain – that’s unhealthy hyperbole. I sit appreciating the pain I don’t have… or… I mean to say, that I don’t have it. 🙂 It’s a good starting point to the day, and the week.

…How is it already time to begin again? 😀

When I was a child, my grandfather would return from foreign travels, frequent travels, and always with some small gift. Those are happy, untroubled recollections, and in some cases, I even still have the gifts. 🙂

My Traveling Partner made it home yesterday, while I was at work. I arrived home some time afterward to the gift of his presence, which was everything I’d been missing, really. We caught up over dinner. We didn’t swap work anecdotes, choosing, instead, to simply be in shared space, comfortable at home, talking about – mostly – clothes, shopping, and things of no particular consequence. He was obviously tired. I’ve rarely seen him so tired. In spite of his obvious travel fatigue, he managed to unpack his bags, do a ton of his laundry, even hanging things, putting things entirely away, and was shining his shoes, when I walked through the front door. It was a joy to just enjoy each other in the few leisure hours on a work night. We talked about going out to dinner, and enjoying an exceptional steak… maybe Friday after work?

He’d brought me a present. I knew that he had – he told me he was, and he’d shared a picture of the box it was in. lol I’m sitting here smiling. Smelling the scent of my “new” perfume – an old classic, one that was one of my favorites when I was younger. It stirs smiles and pleasant memories. 🙂 Miss Dior. I know, I know – that’s not modern at all. Dior’s original fragrance. I’m okay with that. Yes, even if it also puts me in mind of elegant women of some means, and some years. It’s joyful, sweet, delicate – and omg do I have to be careful with how much I use. LOL It’s been awhile since I’ve worn fragrance; a previous partner was so sensitive to scents that I’d drifted away from using any. I could not find any he found acceptable. More baggage to set down, and walk on from. 😀

Another work day, and then, peculiarly, the weekend. I’d forgotten I’d planned to have Friday off. A nice surprise to see it on my calendar.

I finish my coffee with a smile. I’m ready to begin again.

So, real life being what it is, with winter storms, and unpredictable changes in travel plans, and all of that sort of thing… my Traveling Partner did not make it home last night. :-\ Am I disappointed? I sure am. That’ll pass quickly, not because I am callous or insensitive, or don’t love deeply enough, it is, instead, because I have learned, mostly, not to become attached to an outcome that isn’t certain. Generally. Most of the time. I still expect him home “soon” – most likely today, sometime while I am at work. 🙂 It mattered more to know he was safe, somewhere, than to fixate on his planned arrival time.

This perspective is so much easier than getting all hung up on the details that can vary so much.

I imagine it would be tougher to be so chill about it, if I were the one stuck in some random city, waiting for another flight… I find myself wishing my Traveling Partner safe – and merry – travels, and hoping it isn’t unbearably tedious, frustrating, or unpleasant. Travel can be a lot of fun, but it is predictably less so, when all one wants is to go home.

Very little in life is predictable, really. Our results vary. We walk our own hard mile. We are each having our own experience. Our lives are built on what we make of all the chaos and uncertainty. It is our choices to act, to react, to refrain from action, that define us to the world…

I sip my coffee, contented, and grateful. My Traveling Partner is on his way home. I’ll see him when I see him. In the meantime, I’ll do what I do, and let the waiting be part of the background, instead of having it dominate my thoughts. (There really isn’t much I can do to speed things up, so why get spun over the details?) Instead, I let my thinking move on to other things… and rather consistent with the travel theme, I find myself wondering if my efforts here at home are “good enough”. The surge in anxiety reminds me I have baggage to unpack, myself, without even leaving home. lol I breathe, exhale, relax, and remind myself that the anxiety over “good enough” is a leftover from long ago, in a very different relationship, and it’s okay to let that go. Boom! A bag hits the floor – this one, though, is one I’ll let go of, over and over again, for the rest of my life (most likely). It’s heavy, and sturdily made, and this bit of baggage just keeps following me (so far). Still, recognizing it right away, and letting it go, again, is healthy progress. I’m content with that. Enough forward progress and we inevitably end up somewhere else. 😉

I had a moment of great delight yesterday, related to Veterans Day. My team at work asked for a moment of my time, and I said “sure” and then followed up some short time later, pointing out “This may not be a good time, I’m sort of cross at the moment, but I’ve got a few minutes, what’s on your mind?” My team grinned at me, and one of them said “It’s the best time!”, and another of them handed me a small gold bag, and an envelope.

“We’d hoped to get it to you Friday, but you weren’t in the office, and then Monday was the holiday…”

I opened the card – a Veterans Day card. What the hell? I’m still surprised. lol It was very… moving. Inside the bag? Very fancy chocolates from a local high end chocolatier (I rarely shop there, way out of my price range). “We wanted to do more than just say thanks…” they said, almost in unison. We all laughed together, and I’m still so… moved, by their appreciation. More palpable than a random thank you, it isn’t about the chocolate, as much as the sentiment (I probably won’t have more than 1 of those elegant chocolates; everything about them is a “restricted” food on my diet, and not ideal for my health lol). It was – and is – a heart-warming visceral expression of appreciation. Special.

How would the world improve if we could make every “thank you” we offer everyone truly visceral and “real” to them? How about if every time we apologize for hurting someone, they could really feel our regret, and that they matter to us? If we could successfully communicate that we are committed to making amends? If when we did our best to do so, it was something the injured person could really feel? How much more valuable would “thank you” and “I’m sorry” be then? (Actually, about as important as now – so maybe we should be putting more effort into it, already? 😉 )

Thoughts over coffee on a Wednesday. Today, I’ll work on more effective, meaningful, expressions of appreciation or regret. Effective and meaningful to the recipient, I mean. I guess that implies also being more effective and meaningful to me… “heartfelt made real”, somehow. It seems like a useful starting point with which to begin again. 🙂

Oh goodness… it’s already today. Back to the office… and a happy homecoming of my Traveling Partner later, well after the end of my work day. Good times – good timing. 🙂

I sit here with my coffee, content to feel the day begin to unfold. There’s nothing more this moment really needs. I feel comfortable in my clothes, and tickled to wear my new winter coat out into the morning when the time comes to leave the house. My coffee tastes good. I am well-rested. I am refreshed from my shower, and feeling somewhat pampered. My boots are shined. My earrings sparkle. I’m smiling. All of this is lovely, if insignificant. 🙂 (Significance may be over-rated, anyway.)

I sigh, gently, drinking my coffee. The mug is warm in my hands. Every detail of this one moment feels entirely adequate. It’s enough. 🙂 My hands pause on the keyboard…

…I sit awhile, silently, just taking in this moment…

I got a lot done this weekend. I make room to consider all that, too, with a certain quite appreciation for the effort involved, and contentment with the outcome.

…I sit awhile longer, enjoying the sense of satisfaction I feel, and the soft joy of knowing the house looks great; it’ll be a joy to come home to. 🙂

I sit, reflecting on work well done, and feeling generally contented, sipping my morning coffee. For now, it’s quite enough. At the bottom of this coffee cup? A new beginning. A new day ahead.

…That’s enough, too. 🙂

It’s Veterans Day, and already I’ve got something to be grateful for. The internet, and the helpful reminder that “Veterans Day” has no apostrophe. Useful. 🙂 Not sure how I’d gotten muddled up on that one, but there it is. One quick handy correction (in advance), and here I am, well-prepared for the day’s writing. 😀

You know, though… to take advantage of that knowledge, a couple things were necessary. First, I had to be open to the idea I could be mistaken, incorrect, or flat out wrong about something. Second, I had to be willing to make a change. Third, I had to accept – and recognize – outside expertise, in order to trust knew knowledge. All three things would be required to correct just one tiny error in my thinking or writing (or behavior). These three things are required for new learning. Wow. So much…

…I hear someone honking their car horn outside my house, somewhere close. At first I thought it was maybe my car alarm… nope. It isn’t that. I sure hope it’s not some sort of horrible new commute being set up by a neighbor too inconsiderate to be trusted with such things. :-\ Unpleasant.

Well… my writing has effectively been derailed by my irritation with someone honking their car horn rudely in the wee hours of the morning. I’ve got the day off ahead of me, and a couple items from my to do list waiting for me. I miss my Traveling Partner, although yesterday afternoon flew by feeling very much that he was “right there with me”, as we chatted away the hours together. He’ll be home tomorrow. 🙂

I catch myself sitting here just sipping my coffee and smiling. It’s a good start to a new day. I’m content to call it beginning again. 🙂