Right now, I hurt.  My head aches. My arthritic spine is screaming to be torn free of it’s moorings and replaced with something Teflon-coated. Did I mention my headache?  I’d like to be as vibrant and poised and positive at 5:30 pm as I am at dawn. Today, I am not. Not even close. Not even a little bit.  I am, however, doing my best with what I’ve got, and still feeling generally pleasant as a human being, and capable of ‘getting the job done’, more or less – whatever that may turn out to be.

My head aches, though.  I might have had more to say. I have things on my mind. I had a wonderful moment of … something profound… night before last, with one of my partners.  A seriously healing moment that was significant. A ‘very big deal‘ sort of moment, actually. I want so much to share it explicitly, graphically, analytically – in detail, with TMI, technicolor, an a triumphant shout to the heavens… but I am tired right now. Right now my needs, and the needs of my loved ones, are different.  I feel disappointed that I don’t have ‘more to offer’ – to myself, or the world.

My head aches.

It didn’t ache this morning, when I enjoyed a coffee and some conversation with one partner, who was up unexpectedly early… but I also wasn’t sure how, or whether, to share my experience of two nights ago.  I may have missed my moment.  It was profound – for me.  Now I am tired, and uncertain of what to share with ‘the world’ and what to withhold for myself… and I feel muddled and confused.  This is the part of most days when I am able to observe the most obvious effects of my TBI in action; when I’m tired, when my head aches, at the end of a day.  Just the fatigue alone is enough to have me sitting on the edge of tears – and not for any reason.  I am simply tired beyond emotional regulation.  It sucks.  “Loss of executive function” doesn’t even begin to describe the experience.

I took a picture on the way to work this morning; it makes the morning seem somehow so very far away from now.

The day from another perspective.

The day from another perspective.

My head aches. The day is nearly over. Tomorrow is something entirely new.