Here it is a day later. I got through yesterday without even one moment of tears, not one tantrum, and precisely and exactly just one moment of unexpected irritability in the afternoon, and I caught that before it flared up into something worse! Go me! (Is it appropriate to be this pleased about it?) I managed each detail of my self-care attentively, and when I arrived home after my work shift – shorter on Wednesdays, thankfully – I continued with meditation, a shower, some yoga, some calories, and crashed out prepared for the alarm to go off at 5:00 am today. As it happened, I woke a couple of times before then – once because I hadn’t figured out that although I was tired, I was also a bit noise sensitive. I got a drink of water, and whined about it briefly before returning to bed. I woke again in the evening… early enough to enjoy some refreshing slices of deliciously ripe mystery melon with my partners and our house guest, share some conversation and laughter, and hang out a few minutes before, one by one, everyone but my traveling partner retired for the night. I slipped off to bed ahead of him, too. I wasn’t surprised that I was tired enough to go back to bed. I gave Tuesday night 100%.
I woke this morning, ahead of the alarm, by a lot less than I guessed I had in the darkness. I woke with a song in my head and a smile on my lips. I feel good. I have a slight headache – a residual effect of not being able to drink water in my sleep, I think. This morning I switch back and forth between water and coffee as I catch up on email (how do I get this much ‘real’ email in just one day?) and the world.
I had a very cool experience touching on perspective, love, appreciation of self, and all manner of nice self-directed feelings yesterday. To share it I need to share one detail about myself before I go further; I have poor facial recognition. Seriously poor. I can stand next to someone I love, scanning a crowd frantically to find them, and not see them next to me. I can walk up to a man I have been sexually intimate with, and not recognize him. I am more likely to recognize people from photographs, I think because of the higher involvement of pattern recognition ‘circuits’ versus face recognition, but I don’t know. Not my area of expertise. So… there’s that. Then there’s the moment…
I was waiting on the platform for the commuter train yesterday, and when it pulls up, I did my usual thing; I watched commuters disembark and head on their way. There reaches a point when I am looking at them through the windows, instead of as they exit the door. I see a woman smiling, relaxed… she’s sexy. Not young, but confident, comfortable in her skin… she’s.. wow. Yeah. I’m standing there smiling back at this woman and we make eye contact… only… I realize as my eyes focus differently, and I’m really looking ‘at her’… she is merely my reflection in the window glass, not actually another passenger. I didn’t fight that moment, as tired as I was I simply went with it, awake, aware…and feeling strangely ‘in love’ with this amazing woman I am looking at – even knowing she and I are one. I’ve felt a bit differently about me, since that moment. It’s a nice feeling, worth growing into and exploring further. It feels like a homecoming, and a welcoming back to something I have missed for a long while.
Where does my journey lead?
Today is a good day to enjoy progress. Today is a good day to enjoy love. Today is a good day to enjoy change and growth and things that seem scary from a distance – like change and growth. Today is a good day to enjoy the world.
Evening Light 