Archives for category: Logic & Reason
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Content and Quiet

September 17, 2013 //
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It’s morning, but not yet dawn. No hint of light on the horizon, yet. My latte is hot, and as close to my idea of perfect as I have ever made. The house is quiet. I’ve managed thus far without a hint of doubt, insecurity, or anxiety, which is lovely.  There seems less to say on such a morning. I am certainly less inclined to ‘figure it out’. 🙂

A dear friend recently married. He’s the monogamous sort, and smart, caring, and good-hearted. I hope it turns out well for them.  I’ve certainly had an assortment of experiences with marriage, and my thinking on it as evolved over a lifetime. No soap boxes this morning; there is room for every person’s experiences here. 🙂

I’ve had quite a wonderful few days with one of my partners, while the other visited a far away friend.  The company we keep defines a large piece of our experience, doesn’t it? Well… it does seem to for me.  Great friends, positive people, people who ‘get me’, lovers who adore me, partners who support and value me, these are the people who generally fill my days – certainly they are who I seek for that purpose. lol.  Now and again I find myself in the company of people who are bitter, wounded, angry, negative, contrary, sarcastic, or hurtful.  Those are very different experiences.  Sometimes they are the same people. lol. Human primates are fascinating and complicated in all their variety. 🙂

I am thinking of the airport, the good morning kiss of my love lingers on my lips; he decided on going back to bed before he ever really woke, and already I miss him.  I’d have probably started chattering away about airports and people watching if he’d stayed up.  I wonder if he knew? lol  I am entertained sufficiently by my thoughts, musing about people traveling, and how they behave in airport terminals.  I find myself wondering why people don’t dress up to travel much anymore? It isn’t something that ‘matters’, it’s just a stray thought passing through. My mind rarely really rests.  I’ve found so much calm in meditation.  I’m learning to ‘give my brain a rest’. It probably needs it.

Discontent at work seems far away in this moment.  Small things that annoy me seem minuscule and irrelevant.  It’s a lovely quiet morning and for now the successes far outweigh the failures, and the wonders beat the challenges, no question.  It’s a nice perspective.

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, Logic & Reason, Love, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships

What Is ‘Good’?

September 15, 2013 //
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What defines something as ‘right’? What makes something ‘enough’? Before we go too far down a philosopher’s rabbit hole, let me clarify – my questions are less about the semantics or meanings of those words relative to other words or ideas, and more about how does an individual determine that some one event, action, outcome, or experience fits the description? I keep bumping my nose on what seems to be an answer – and I admit that I’m not much of a fan of ‘answers’ lately; the questions convey more, for me, most of the time. Still, an answer to one question sometimes forms the basis of other questions just as worthy of consideration… and in this case, the ‘answer’ is kind of a big deal. Perspective. Yep, I am still meditating on perspective. The painting is unfinished, and the contemplation of the work as metaphor, as studious reflection and examination of experience, and as its own creative experience, keep me coming back again and again to life lessons about perspective.  There are those that required perspective to complete, and those that resulted in greater perspective once completed – and depending on my perspective in contemplation, a whole lot of life experiences open themselves up to being viewed as instructive on perspective.  Perspective is a big deal.  It is becoming an iceberg in my studies; so many things turn out to be relevant to matters of perspective.

I started the weekend focused on some pretty specific needs and desires.  I went into it with limited known resources, and an understanding that circumstances and the free will of others would predictably bring a few unknowns to confound any planning.  I try not to notice how little of the weekend remains… It’s been a lovely one.  Perspective has been a big deal for enjoying it.  If I had remained fixed on expectations, or investing heavily in my needs at the expense of a more connected experience, I could have been sitting here unhappily wallowing in discontent. I know, because I’ve done it in the past.

I’ve allowed myself a different experience today by identifying the successes as they happen, and appreciating those, and enjoying them, instead of zeroing in on some specific one thing or experience that I wanted and didn’t get.  I’m still learning a lot about relationships and happiness and intimacy and sharing life and love.  Learning to ‘take care of me’ sometimes feels like a mandate to make demands or insist that my needs must be met.  My own experience with meeting the needs of my loved ones is that I’m not always up to it, or able to with available resources, or may be unwilling to for some reason that seems appropriate or necessary to me in-the-moment; I can safely infer that is also their experience with meeting my needs. lol.  Knowing we are each having our own experience, and each have our own needs to be met, it actually seems pretty inevitable that sometimes some needs are unmet.  That’s how it was this weekend – some needs were met, others were not. Funny thing, it really seems now that the needs that got met were more urgent or more important… or more… worthy… than what I thought I needed to start with. lol.  A lesson in perspective, and also a lesson in ‘going with it’ instead of fussing and trying to force the flow of events.

It’s been a lovely weekend, and incredibly intimate. It wasn’t the intimacy I expected. It was, however, very much the intimacy I needed. 😀

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships

Passed My Mid-terms

September 14, 2013 //
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Well…or something of that sort. I sometimes find it difficult to be certain I really am making progress, or that new skills actually function as hoped for, or that I’m experiencing real healing and holistic long-term improvements in quality of life, as well as in-the-moment improvements in how I experience my life.  An analog of this experience might be learning math in grade school; it is very difficult at that time in one’s life to understand what use it will have later on. Today, I found myself actually using new skills in a natural way, applying mindfulness to stress in-the-moment, using improved communication skills to clarify misunderstood details and context, taking care of me by expressing limitations and setting boundaries without being confrontational or accusatory and generally taking a brief moment of emotion and distress in my day, and allowing to be simply that – a moment.  Hell, I’m even having an excellent day – without mental gymnastics, denying myself my heartfelt emotions, or trampling on my own needs and boundaries.  Yeah, I actually do feel a bit like I ‘passed a test’.  If nothing else, I am encouraged that I am learning a few things that are helping me enjoy more of my experience, and really treat myself and my loved ones well.

In the spirit of celebrating a great report card, I’m going to get back to having a great latte, a lovely quiet morning of jazz and conversation, a little housekeeping as the day wears on – in short, enjoying my Saturday.  I hope you enjoy yours, too.

A picture of another lovely day.

A picture of another lovely day.

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Categories Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Love, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships

Hello, Good-bye, I love you

September 12, 2013 //
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Touch is important to me.  I think it always was, but for most of my life I was really very restrictive about people touching me casually.  My feelings on the matter of touch at that time were, more or less, ‘if we aren’t going to have sex, please don’t touch me’.  How very isolating that was!  I’m in a different place as a person – although, admittedly, I don’t prefer total strangers ‘breaking the contact barrier’ with me, without warning or consent.  I really enjoy being touched, though.  So much baggage, so little time… lol.

I was thinking about touch, and my issues relevant to physical intimacy in general, and it reminded me that I had been considering this very topic just last night in a moment of nostalgia.  I was contemplating a tender point in life’s journey, and learning to Love, when I had finally really begun to welcome touch into my every day experience.  My lover at that time, an amazingly nurturing man of considerable skill with relationship building, had a practice of welcoming me home from work – or the store, or wherever else I had happened to be – with a moment of real connection.  He would put everything down for an embrace, and a moment of connected contact.  There we would be, in each other’s arms, holding each other, feeling the warm of our bodies close together, feeling our heartbeats begin to beat together, and experiencing all the wonders and intangibles of being in the arms of someone we love… and it was every day, every time we reconnected after being apart, and it was… extraordinary.  I began to do it, too… every time he was away from me, and returned, I put everything down and put my attention on him, on us, on now.  It was my first experience of loving mindfully – but I didn’t know it at the time. It’s an amazing thing to experience.

I miss it.

Oh, there’s no lack of affection in my life. I have wonderful loving partners and a good life.  We share mutual affection, and closeness, and as much intimacy as we can make time for… real life sometimes seems to get in the way.  Now I often find myself crying out in the wilderness of my chaos and damage for this something that seems missing… those seemingly infinite moments of connection and intimacy are far more rare now, and kind of hit or miss.  I feel it.  I’m learning enough about love, and loving well, to recognize what I miss. (Hey! That’s real progress for me!)  I guess now I need to learn the words to say ‘I love this. I want this.’ and then go about the business of ‘being the change’… that’s the harder part; making it a verb, an action, a reality.  Being the change.  How do I build something I don’t understand? Life’s curriculum apparently gets more challenging as I progress through the lesson plan.  🙂

I do want to say something more… if you have this level of intimacy and connection with your friends and lovers and partners – any or all of them – cherish it! Nurture it! Value it above all things, because taking it for granted can result in a loss that feels…well, it’s very similar for me to grieving the loss of someone dear to me, actually.  The sense of ‘being without it’ is hard to overstate.

Today, I will learn something more about being intimate, and fostering intimacy in my relationships.

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Love, Menopause, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships

A Slower Start

September 11, 2013 //
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Autumn is coming. I can feel it as my morning routine shifts and changes with approaching colder weather. Funny to say that, the morning after a 90 degree day, but I feel it. I feel a little slower this morning. My bones ache where arthritis has already settled in. I feel stiff and tired, and lingering in the shower, while refreshing, did nothing to improve my range of motion this morning. My head ‘feels foggy’ too, as though my body woke without letting my mind know. My latte tastes wonderful, and feels necessary. The sky is still dark, although I’ve been up now for nearly an hour. So, this morning, a slower start.

I’ve started playing SuperBetter. (Wow, that seems completely off topic, somehow…) I’m not sure what else to say about that. It seemed worth commenting on at the moment I brought it up, but I am still a bit groggy from staying up later than I usually do… and now I don’t recall why I mentioned it. lol. It’s a cool game, though, that brings self-work into the gaming arena.  I’m finding that it makes staying focused on improvement, growth, and change feel fun and rewarding, where so often it can feel a bit isolating and frustrating [for me].

Anyway… another work day. Another day for love, Love, and romance. Another day. By itself, that’s enough most of the time, isn’t it? 🙂

Oh, right… it’s September 11th.  I’m American. I could say something about that, but my opinion, once heard, can’t be unheard – and often my opinion on such matters is less well received than I expect it to be. lol. Why trouble you with it now? We can talk about it tomorrow, or the next day, or perhaps sometimes when it seems harmlessly apropos. Today, pundits will fill the airwaves with their opinions, and some portion of the world will listen, and repeat it as original thought, or nod along as to the beat of music no one else can hear, and everyone will go on with their day satisfied with themselves, and feeling righteous, patriotic, and justified.  I don’t know how much of that is really a good thing… I dislike knee-jerk patriotism. (When people dance like puppets, I’m pretty sure there’s someone pulling the strings.)  Suffice it to say that I don’t find violence as a political solution any more effective, appropriate, or acceptable than it is as a relationship building tool for individuals.

"9-11" 2001

“9-11” 2001

Enough about that. How are you, today?  Do you find that your peers, friends, and loved ones respect you and treat you with consideration, compassion, and affection? Have you found the balance between life and work that fulfills you, and provides you with adequate resources to pursue your passions in life? Do you feel ‘successful’? Did you wake up eager to face a new day, with a smile, or a song in your heart? Were the first words you heard today words of encouragement and love? Are you ‘happy’? Are you content? Is your relationship with yourself more about delight… or criticism? Do you have a plan? Do you have a Plan B?

Sometimes there is real value in slowing myself down for a moment, and letting my brain catch up with the rest of me. The unanswerable questions about you, out there, somewhere else in the world, enjoying the dawn, or sleeping through it, do that for me nicely. Thanks for ‘being there’ for me. 😀  I pose these questions relevant to you, but of course they are also questions to answer about myself, aren’t they? (Nice one, Brain, way to sneak in some quality introspection. lol)

This sort of chaotic mental wandering is what happens when I write before I’m quite awake. lol.  This morning I’ll have a second latte before I head to work, and take a few moments alone, content, and serene as the dawn unfolds.

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Categories Art, autumn, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Metaphors, Mindfulness, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress
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