Just before dawn.
I woke from nightmares with a headache. I felt dried out like a husk of a person, a vessel, a shell, a pottery shard. Thirsty. Confused as I realized that my intensely emotional nightmare of being unable to return my lovers phone call – when he had so kindly given me his phone to do so. I experienced a level of frustration that woke me anxiously, overheated but not sweating, and feeling incredible pressure to perform. Quite unpleasant. Oddly, as I woke I was arguing with a man who was reassuring me that he could drive me there, no need to be frustrated…and it was nearly half an hour before I realized 1. I couldn’t have completed that call to my lover; I had his phone and 2. it was he who was offering me the reassuring ride to meet him. Dreams.
Today I take the car to work. Today I go to an appointment I don’t really want to deal with – my VA mental health care provider is retiring and handing me off to the next. This makes… 4? 5? Has it been 6? There’s no way to get there but by taking the highways, too. It all sucks a great deal.
I will endeavor to do it mindfully, nonetheless, and gently on the hearts of others.
…And, from the other side of the morning commute, the morning seems quite lovely so far. Being gentle with myself, and the world, and treating myself well by taking my time and letting go of any sense of urgency is serving me well, so far. Morning coffee with a partner, pleasant conversation, a sense of support and encouragement, an affectionate and loving start to the day was quite nice. 🙂
Evening Light 