Today’s quiz is going to cover mindfulness and pain. 😦 For a few days now my experience has included quite a lot, more than usual, physical pain and very little emotional pain. Although I feel more equipped to deal with pain than I had, it’s not a pleasant part of my experience. I notice as I write that I put a higher priority and a sense of greater urgency on managing emotional pain, than physical pain, but damn it, I hurt so much, today, the pain becomes my dominant experience again and again. I am using as an opportunity to practice mindfulness, instead of tears, tantrums, or pharmaceuticals. I won’t bullshit you, or me, I don’t find practicing mindfulness to be effective pain relief. Having said that, I am finding that the experience of pain seems to rob me of pleasant feelings less easily, approached mindfully. That’s a bigger deal than the words themselves can convey, for me.
I shared an interestingly deep and, at least for me profoundly meaningful, moment with one of my partners last night. Emotional, shared, connected, and intimate on a level I have not previously shared with her; our hearts and being felt so closely connected… It was over a painful bit of emotional mess, humanity fully exposed, but connected, vulnerable, and very real. Wow would I like to connect with her that deeply over pleasure, joy, and delight! Could I handle the intensity?
I caught myself in the mirror this morning, looking like a whole, comfortable, serene being… I smiled at my reflection, confident, sexy, and unexpectedly…wise. I observed me gently, and experienced a moment if fond appreciation for how much I am learning, and how well I am beginning to treat myself, and that I am learning to treat others well, too. Then my brain began tossing messages of doubt, insecurity, and rejection at me and the smile wavered… I wanted to turn quickly from my mirror and wish away my very human self-doubt…afterall, I had only made that profound connection with one partner…both were hurting. Did I fail? Do I suck? I held my moment at the mirror, and accepted my feelings, watching them pass over my face. I took a few deep breaths and accepted that twinge of personal disappointment that I am not all things, to all my loved ones, and as I did, the feeling passed, and my serenity found me again. There’s more to learn, and I am still learning.
The dawn has unfolded, now, as I have my coffee, read some, do some yoga, and write. Time for the day to begin in earnest, and although I hurt, I feel ready for it.
Evening Light 