Just in case you ever wonder if I have bad days, bad moments, insecurity or self doubt… you needn’t wonder.  And with the magic of modern medical science, I can tell you exactly nothing about whether my brain injury, my hormones, or my post traumatic stress bear the larger burden of my poor experience today. I can tell you, however, that exactly as with all my other bad days, bad moments, poor choices, tough times… every moment has one thing in common: me. Sometimes the choice very much seems to be between being…and… not being. It’s hard to read my own words on other days, from some other perspective, trying to make some other choice, written from some moment of hope or positive experience.

I probably cry more than a necessary amount, and lately I’ve been getting re-acqainted with despair (one of my least favorite emotions). My intellect tells me I can not count on these feelings for good decision making, but right now I doubt I can count on anything at all for good decision making. My experience feels permeated by doubt, soaked in fearfulness, wrapped in anxiety, and certainty that any solution to today will be forgotten in some tomorrow’s other problem. I feel worn down and regretful, tired and discouraged.  I lack hope.

What sucks is that broken or not, I have a decent brain that does its best to tell me something true and real. I know there are people without clean running water, without enough food to eat, without appropriate clothing to wear, without the certainty of the security of their home and person, or even entirely without a home.  So, ‘poor me‘, right? What right do I have to complain that my experience doesn’t feel good today? I don’t really know what to do with that.

Yesterday ended well (I think…), so why do I hurt so much today, over so much of yesterday? Why do I get hung up on what hurts? I’m tired. Brain tired. Heart tired. Soul tired. I do what I can… I don’t know how to make it feel like ‘enough’. There is no Rx for ‘happiness’, just me, some words, and time… the cycle of my thoughts and emotions today brings to mind the driver mired to the axles in mud, spinning his wheels, gas pedal to the floor, frustration and fury… over and over again, even though it didn’t work the first time. If I could just gain a few moments of calm, a few experiences of success, a few days of joy… maybe I could take another look at the challenges and find a solution that works… or not.

…Maybe I just need some sleep.