Choice is a tricky thing, and carries with it the characteristic of ‘accountability’, for each choice I make. Education and coaching tell me things like ‘don’t blame the victim’ and give me reminders that events forced on me against my will are ‘not my fault’. That sounds easy enough, but it’s a complicated thing, because my own choices at any point after an event that ‘isn’t my fault’ are still entirely mine, and the accountability for them is also mine. Isn’t it? Does a brain injury, or child abuse, or domestic violence get me off the hook for being accountable for my own actions, my own choices? It doesn’t seem that it would…but are my choices themselves, or my ability to make them well, altered by my brain injury? My PTSD? My hormones? What does that mean for me, or for my relationships?
I’m staring at a lifetime of bad decision making, poor choices, failures to be accountable, and I am frustrated and tired and disappointed that at 49 I am not a better human being than I am. I spent the night in quiet contemplation, no real hope of sleep. I am tired, too tired for clear thinking, terrified to let my mind rest and risk losing a moment of understanding or any sort of step forward. My anxiety is completely out of control and I feel lost and very aware that my decision-making may be impaired… except… wasn’t it already?
Life lays out the choices. I have to see them, and make a choice. I’m choosing to do a better job of being a good human being, moment to moment. I expect that choice will have it’s own unique challenges, and may be more difficult than it sounds. (I hope that if I have to let go of what means most to me right now because of failures to be a better human being sooner, I will find being committed to treating myself and others well, and being honest and thoughtful with my choices in the future, will be enough to earn something that means as much as what I have cost myself through my bad choices in the past.)
We’re all having our own experience. The significance of what we do isn’t solely our own – someone else will experience it along with us, in their own context, understood from their unique perspective. Please help me make the world just a bit better than I have made it on my own, so far; treat someone who is hurting with compassion and understand that they are having their own experience, and that is both their truth and their world. Treat people well, especially the ones you love. Make good choices that meet your needs over time. I am pretty sure that if I successfully did those things every day, life would be wonderful.
Evening Light 
For every bad decision you have made, there is certainly someone somewhere who feels they have done something worse. No human being is infallible. A poor decision or repeated indiscretions does not necessarily require a personal condemnation to sacrifice what means most in your life. It may necessitate extra effort at reparations in relationships and rebuilding of treasured trusts, but that is what adds the value to our personal growth as human beings. I have faith that the “good” choices you have made, far outweigh the “bad” and you will continue to be one of the better examples of humanity that I know.
Thank you.
For being a good human being, I’ve seen nothing but success from you. Through the months we’ve known each other, you have retained my respect and admiration — two things more easily lost, perhaps, than they should be.
Choice is a big thing for me less because it brings accountability, and more because it brings control. But then, I have the blessing of balanced brain chemistry and no physical defects in my processor (that I am aware of). With fairly simple medication I can even eliminate periods of infuriating irrationality that come with PMS. Which means, for me, denying the influence of my choices means outsourcing control of my situation. And even when I am frustrated with someone who has made my life harder, my second if not first reaction is to find a way to regain that control by finding something I could do next time that reduces their influence.
On the other hand, owning my own agency means admitting other people have theirs. Which is nice, because then if someone does something, like, say, punch me in the face, I can recognize that that action was Not My Fault, no matter how provoked he felt.
Life is thankfully free of violence, but I admit I often find basic good decision making quite a challenge.