As I walked in to the office this morning I tossed today back and forth like a very inexperienced juggler…’make the best of things?’…’vent?’…’find the silver lining?’…’be real’…’focus on the positive?’…’find greater understanding in my experience?’… Yeah. What the hell? Can’t life and love be simple, and easy once in a while? I guess that’s not something to count on, on the bumpy road to menopause.

Friday morning was pretty great, then a couple random-but-predictable-if-I’d-thought-to-predict-them events ground my emotional balance to a fine powder then mixed it with a sudden shit storm of hormones. I believe the household remodel now includes a padded room… My very supportive, loving partners did the best they could, and frankly an effort well beyond the ordinary on their parts, but any real lasting peace for the weekend was laid waste by my moody outbursts, volatility, and despair. Despair. Fuck, what an ugly emotion. The overall outcome of the weekend seems to be, on one hand, my increased respect for my partners’ ability to provide any measure of emotional support to me, at all, under such trying circumstances…and on the other hand…the ever widening gulf that is my own inability to feel connected to either of them. Wow. Bummer. I’d rather not dwell on that.

The weekend was also nicely productive. We all got a lot of things on our individual to-do lists done. I worked on getting more moved in, myself, hoping that increased order in my space will result in increased order in my thinking. I started a ‘time-based art’ project for myself, too, something as much as tool to reflect on perspective in my life as it is art.   It’ll be a busy week ahead, too… time for a physical. The VA knows more about making a person feel diminished and valueless than any other agency I know of… preparing for that is like putting on emotional armor.  Then Friday… a more important appointment, and I’m bravely pretending I am not afraid, that life isn’t overwhelming me with the intensity of my experience, and that ‘everything will be ok’.