Weird day, mostly made up of hormones, pain, and many less than delightful elements of my experience of life as a female person. I feel fatigued and stupid (you should see the typos). I feel like I am disconnected from my loved ones, and irritable.

“Does the mindfulness stuff help?” No, fuck no it doesn’t…well, not if by ‘help’I mean ‘makes it all better’. But I kept at it…simple breathing exercises in awareness, simply observing my experience, rather than analyzing it, and accepting my experience, and letting it be ok that it isn’t always ‘easy’.

I want more. There are other questions, and things I need to learn to talk about. There is so much to learn, and in spite of a lifetime of experience that tells me I am not in this alone, sometimes I feel very alone, anyway.

Tonight I guess I get to practice mindfulness, and compassion for myself as I withstand repeated hormonal attacks on my balance, by my own brain; every doubt, every instant of insecurity or fear, amplified and enhanced for no imaginable benefit.Ā  I feel half mad with it every time.Ā  Today has been no exception…except…it’s going to be fine, and I know that, and this is just a bad bit that will pass in a couple days.Ā  That fairly comfortable, sustained, awareness is new.

More meditation, later sleep. I am pretty sure that third quad latte was a poor choice. I am tired, though, and I hurt; sleep will come, maybe soon, and tomorrow will be a new experience.