There are no guarantees, right? No promises carved in stone. No ‘happily ever after’. No Utopia. Only people, mostly doing their best, whatever that is at the time. Life doesn’t come with a warranty.
This morning manages to suck just about exactly as much as yesterday was awesome. 😦 Save the labels and bi-polar crap – it isn’t a good fit for me. “We’ll get through this.” Yes, we will. “We’ll figure this crap out.” Probably. Maybe not. Maybe it is the attempt to understand, and caring enough to try, that matters more than succeeding at explaining the challenge of the moment, the hour, the relationship, the decade, or the lifetime? “I love you.” Well, that matters the most. It matters a lot. It will even be the important thing that lingers in my recollection long past this distress of right now. Right now, however, sucks.
Still a lovely morning, and flowers bloom without regard to my mood or experience.
Ok, ok. I know I could get my ass up from this office chair, and find a quiet space and take a few minutes for me… I probably will, too, once the routine of the morning is well underway. During office hours work must come first…or so it seems. I resent the hell out of the perceived requirement to ‘put a good face on things and get on with work’, when more than anything I would like to take time for me. I hurt. I want to take all the time for me; every minute, every hour, every day, until my heart is healed, until I am unafraid, until I am whole and healthy, until love can always find me, and until I can always feel how loved I am. I hear a bitter refrain from my own voice in another life … laughing angrily “how does it feel to want?” It doesn’t matter what I want. What matters is what can I do with what I have?
“Baby Love” blooms. Beauty exists and thrives.
Mindfulness…how do I grasp hold of that life raft right now? What does it mean to feel discontent, dissatisfied, frustrated, hurt, anxious, sad, disconnected, or angry in a mindful way? I know that the mindfulness practices and meditation improve my experience… and that’s completely been driven home this morning. I woke, I showered, I made a latte…and I didn’t take time to meditate this morning. 😦 Stupid choice, apparently. Stuck with it for now, I suppose. Maybe a walk at lunch time… or something. I feel adrift and unhappy. Shit. Welcome to Monday.
…I’m starting to feel like I’ve set myself up to make a series of shitty choices that I can already see are not going to be ideal for me if I go that direction… I feel a bit like I ‘got on the wrong bus this morning’.
All of the potential of spring…still doesn’t count as ‘roses in bloom’.
Where’s the reset button? How do I force myself to choose well, when I really just want to throw a tantrum? I could use some romance right now…or poetry…or something that lights me up from within and puts a smile on my face that can’t be denied or argued with. Is that just a hurt soul looking for a distraction, or something more profound? Oh well. For now, I will set myself aside as ‘not my highest priority’ and go whore myself for a dollar get on with work.
Damn it…I can do better than this for myself…
Evening Light 