This morning I woke up to real moments vastly different than my expectations. Not in any particularly bad way, and without any distress associated with what is essentially a lovely morning, but… the differences are here, and it is now, and now is not what I expected. It’s not the moment that is “at fault”, and that’s an important understanding; expectations are shortcuts, a cheat in life’s game, and they don’t always work. Small differences sometimes make big differences…

Each sunrise is new and different.

Each sunrise is new and different.

I woke alone this morning, although I went to bed uncertain whether that would be the case. I smile as I make coffee, thinking of my traveling partner, thinking about the weekend ahead, thinking about love.

I reached for music first thing, and grabbed what suited my mood best… but… what mood is this? Downliners Sekt… strangely off the beaten path compared to my usual of late. I’m okay with change. I like the music I like, more than enough variety for any mood I might find myself in. Still… it’s a difference, and the day begins.

I made coffee this morning… chose different beans that I usually do. Brushed out my hair after my shower… letting it part to the side, differently than usual. Chose earrings that complement the shirt I chose, differently than I ordinarily might. The days leads into change from the moment I woke… tonight I get my hair colored for the first time since 2013, when I got my hair cut very short, cutting away years of color-changes, damage, and metaphorically embracing radical change – and authenticity.

Change itself has sometimes felt like a stranger, an intruder, an interruption in life’s plan… I understand it differently this morning, and embracing change is yet another willful practice, and one that leads directly on the shortest path to personal growth. Today I “bring color back” – a demonstration of will, an opportunity to defy convention (although color has become so commonplace, it’s hardly unconventional, in fact), a moment to embrace ownership – and artistry – over even those elements of my appearance I am “born with”. Appearance reflecting inner self; a statement of purpose. A bit of fun. A celebration of self, and choice, and freedom to do as I will. My will.

I find myself poised on the razor’s edge of a question this morning, peering over the edge of change… What do I want from my life? What can I bring to the world that is uniquely me? Is enough really enough? No one question in words quite captures the question in which my morning is wrapped, they are like the sides of a faceted gem… the actual question being the entirety of the gem, itself, wordless and wonderful. More a “?” than a question in words… a sense of uncertainty, of imminent unknown outcome. Is it as simple as “I wonder what my hair will look like when it is finished?” Sometimes “deep” isn’t a characteristic… it’s more a quagmire. lol

Cold coffee, chilly morning, embracing change.

Cold coffee, chilly morning, embracing change.

My coffee is cold, and the hour is later than I realized… music and questions have filled my thoughts this morning. I am transfixed by imminent change… will I later be transformed? I smile. Just words this morning. Today is a good day for words and questions. Today change is enough. Love is enough. Fun is enough. I think I’ll do that. 🙂