I woke “early” this morning. Not sure what woke me. I had to pee. I got up, dressed, grabbed my gym bag and headed out to the gym. Early. Very early. I think I got there at 04:30…? After the gym, I grabbed coffee on the way to the co-work space. In practical terms, I’m treating it as an ordinary day that got off to an ordinary (if early) start.

Yesterday was surreal. I was so groggy all day. Too-few hours of poor quality interrupted sleep took their toll on me, but the day was generally an easy one. Don’t know how I would have held up under the strain of a busier or more difficult day, and I’m frankly not certain I could have managed it. I stayed focused on work. The drive home… happened? It must have; I got home safely. Traffic was heavy, and I got caught in the worst of the rush-hour commuter traffic, but that may have been a blessing in disguise, since it served to slow things down a bit, and my reaction time was definitely not good. I don’t remember dinner… I don’t think I cooked any. I sit quietly, biting my lip and thinking that over… did we have dinner? What did we have? Fuck… did I just… not?

I recall sitting and watching some videos with my Traveling Partner, quietly, before one of us noticed I was nodding off – it was early, and I was reluctant to call it a night, and I think I mumbled something about probably splitting my sleep. I couldn’t imagine, at the time, crashing at 6:00 p.m. and actually sleeping through the night! Well. That’s pretty much what happened. I laid down around 6:00 p.m., and I woke minutes after 04:00 a.m., without ever waking during the night. Rare for me. (Turned out what probably woke me was a message from my Traveling Partner, frustrated that he was once again not able to sleep because of my snoring; I had failed to turn off my notifications before bed.)

I’m glad I slept. I’m grateful my partner did not wake me during the night. I needed the sleep badly. We both need to be able to sleep. I really hope we get this sleep shit sorted out. It’s not a good situation to be in; degraded sleep exacerbates both physical health issues and mental health. Sane people become mentally ill people in a relatively short amount of time without adequate restful sleep.

…Take out. We had take out for dinner last night. I just remembered. The commute from the city results in my arriving home later than usual, and often without the energy left to cook, and that was definitely the case last night. Also, we were both sort of craving orange chicken, so it all worked out nicely to pick some up on the way home.

My Traveling Partner’s mood becomes irritable and unpleasant when he’s not getting the sleep he needs (probably true of most people). Very human. With that in mind, and because I really want him to be able to get some rest (and also because I honestly don’t like spending time with him when he’s functioning on too little sleep and too much bad mood), I find myself considering a short local camping trip this weekend… I sleep just fine in a tent, on a mat, on the ground, in a sleeping bag, listening to the wind and the birds. He sleeps just fine when I am not at home. It sucks to feel like I have to leave home for my partner to be able to sleep… and I’m sure he feels frustrated and saddened by it, too. Right now, though, I suspect he just wants to sleep. At all. I doubt he’ll object… if I can find something close enough, I could even camp the nights, and relax in his good company during the days…

…This is what loving desperation about a shared challenge looks like… I’d do just about anything to ease his suffering and make it possible for him (and for me) to sleep comfortably.

I hope the fancy sleep doctor can offer a real solution. There are a ton of “fake solutions” out there, and I’ve tried a fair few of those over 38 years of cohabitation with one partner or another. Most of them. Strips, straps, drops, sprays, exercises, sleep positions… They haven’t worked for me. I’ve had difficulties with sleep for so long in my life (since childhood) that I honestly don’t feel particularly hopeful. I just keep trying. I definitely feel the difference when I sleep well vs when I don’t. The snoring is just a small part of that, just happens to be the part that affects my Traveling Partner (or anyone trying to sleep in shared space with me). The rest of it doesn’t affect him at all (and honestly, he’s so frustrated with his own difficulty sleeping due to my snoring that he seems completely unaware that I actually have problems with sleep that go way beyond that). So, I’ve got a sleep study scheduled (in the sleep clinic) a couple weeks away, and although I’m not letting myself build up expectations in my head, it’s at least a step to take.

The work day begins to loom large as the clock ticks onward. I hope my Traveling Partner is sleeping. I scroll through nearby camp sites thinking about the weekend ahead…

Time to begin again, again.