Archives for category: gratitude

The winter storm hit so precisely on time, here, that I marveled at how far the science of meteorology has come just in the years I’ve been alive and aware of weather forecasts being a thing on the news. Amazing. I did what I could to be prepared, and my Traveling Partner did his part to ensure that shopping lists were complete with various things he might also want or need, himself, as I ran a couple last minute errands. I got to my preferred grocery store – my last errand – and laughed; I was not alone in my desire to plan well for the home-bound holiday. I’ve never seen that parking lot so full. Customers were cruising up and down the parking lot rows awaiting a space to open up, grabbing it, and doing what they could to get in and out efficiently. People were merry, cooperative, and respectful (well, except that person, you know the one – sitting there blocking the way waiting for someone to unload their groceries and back their car out, instead of driving on for the next opportunity the way everyone else was politely doing! There’s one in every crowd).

My Friday off yesterday was lovely, end to end. Well, almost. I ended up pretty cranky at the end of the day, for a few minutes before I went to bed. After dinner, I discovered the sink was clogged and alerted my partner (instead of randomly fucking with it and maybe making it worse). No panic, it was just a bit stressful, a bit gross, and totally unexpected – and I think we were both a bit worried it might be a frozen pipe. My partner set to work on clearing the clog, and we both hoped it would be “easy”… Nope. I offered to bail out the water to make things a bit less gross and maybe easier, and he accepted and pointed out there was a convenient empty bucket near the door on the deck. Sweet. I went to get that and… fell on my face trying to get back into the house. The deck, like everything else in our neighborhood, was completely and entirely iced over – as in, encased in a fairly thick layer of glossy clear ice, following some hours of ice-rain. I guess I’m not surprised. It was crazy slick and I lost my footing as soon as I hefted the weight of the bucket (which had a fat slab of ice in the bottom). I hit the ground with a thud, and knocked the wind out of myself. I couldn’t get back up – the icy deck was too slick. So, I pulled myself over the threshold of the patio door (still open) and once I could do so, pulled myself up, and brought in the bucket.

…An hour later, I felt like I’d been in a fucking fist fight, and I was bruised and banged up from hitting the deck so hard, and yeah, I was pretty cranky and in pain…

Anyway. The story isn’t really any more complicated than that. I bailed the water out of the sink. It wasn’t even a frozen pipe, just a proper clog because I’d somehow rather stupidly (apparently) put a wrapper from a stick of butter into the disposal…? (Why the fuck would I do that? I know not to do some dumb shit like that!!) My Traveling Partner cleared the clog in the morning, and all was well. We’ve been having a lovely day. He’s a proper charmer and we’re both feeling pretty merry. It’s not a fancy morning, although it is Giftmas Eve Day, just a day we’re enjoying together over shared content.

It’s a lovely holiday. I’m not sure that I’ve ever had better. It’s a modest one in comparison to some. Hell, I’d even say it is modest compared to Giftmases in some years that had no business being as lavish as they were in the first place. This one, though? There’s something really wonderfully special about it. It’s sweet, and wholesome, and loving – and rather amusingly practical in most regards. The stockings won’t be ridiculously elaborate, just filled with carefully selected chocolates. The food is good, carefully considered and prepared, and delicious – I’m eager to make tomorrow’s strip loin roast for Giftmas dinner. I’m gonna sous vide that sucker and then give it a reverse sear (on the grill if the ice is gone). There’s ice cream. Plum pudding. Cookies (I made shortbread and strawberry thimble cookies this year). Chocolates – including personal favorites I only buy once a year.

There are gifts under the tree, and the house is filled with love. The icy weather does nothing to diminish any of that. I smile to myself and feel grateful for my good fortune. I hope you and yours are warm and well and safe and merry. Enjoy it while it lasts – and maybe don’t look at the news for a couple days. 😉

Merry Giftmas. ❤

My Traveling Partner shared a video with me this morning. I’m so moved by the video, I’m sharing it with you. I hope you enjoy it.

The tl;dr? Be there for each other. Be kind. Be present. Be authentic. We’re each having our own experience – and we’re all in this together.

The holidays are hard for some people. I hope your holiday season is warm and that you feel loved. If you’re struggling, I hope you know it will pass. If your holiday is filled with joy and abundance, I hope you share that with everyone around you, even if only through the warmth of your smile.

It’s a good time to be kind. It’s a good time to begin again.

I am sipping coffee in the stillness of the local co-work space. It’s quite early, and there’s rarely anyone else but me here at this hour. I enjoy the quiet time. Good for writing, reading, and thinking. I woke quite early. I woke with a vicious headache. Not the usual, that’s there in the background, too – no, this one is “special”. I think I must have slept on my neck wrong, and instead of waking with a kink in my neck and pain in my shoulder, the aggravation is painful at the top of my neck/base of my skull – like a tension headache, but more intense. I’d kind of like to just… twist my head off and toss it in the bin next to this desk. LOL Fuuuuuuuck.

As with change, headaches are – and this one will pass. I mean, eventually. lol

For now, I am sipping coffee and drinking water, more or less in alternation. The handful of medications I now take on a more or less set schedule results in choosing to carry a small pill box. I start the day with each of the medications I take right there in my pocket, and when the relevant alarm goes off, I take a moment to take my medication. Unavoidable evidence of aging, I suppose. I’m okay with it; the pillbox is a change that has resulted in being “more on time” and I haven’t missed a dose of anything even once since I started carrying the wee screw-top enameled tin along with me. It does mean that having planned ahead, I’ve got adequate Ibuprofen for the headache. lol That’s something. It’s not everything, but it is helpful. I take a couple with a big drink of water, feeling quite adult being so prepared. 😀

…I’m probably totally screwed once I have multiple pills that look alike all jostling each other in a wee pillbox, but for now they are easy to identify.

It’s Giftmas already?!

It’s almost Giftmas. My beloved Traveling Partner has been busy in the shop, and still managed to slip a couple gifts under the tree for me. He’s got a festive little assortment waiting for him there, too. Happily, and without any stress driving the decision, he’s given me a couple of mine already – can I just say I love presents that are so clearly selected with genuine affection and a deep understanding of “who I am”? 😀 Practical or silly – he gets me. I sit here with that thought, grinning to myself and thinking about my two new Barbies. (Yes. Even as I approach 60. lol) I feel loved. Another gift was given as it arrived; it was just so much bigger than he’d anticipated, and it was going to be a pain in the ass to wrap it – and no way it was actually going to fit under the tree. That and I think he was just really excited to see it in use, and try it out himself… My first Instant Pot! It’s a bit fancy and has an air fryer lid and 11 functions. Just…wow. So much to learn and to try. 😀 This may be the secret to (me) making a proper pot roast, at long last! (My attempts to cook a good pot roast have been pretty dreadful in the past… I am eager to do better.)

I hope I never feel “too old to play”.

Barbie-wise, can I just say how much it delights me that Mattel now makes Barbie in various body types, skin colors, ethnic features, and levels of ability (far beyond what they ever had originally). I love seeing Barbie as an astronaut or the president – and I also love seeing her in a wheel-chair, or as a very dark black girl. I love “seeing myself” in Barbie with pink or teal hair, in jeans, with a camera in her hand, or a backpack on. I love seeing the many other sorts of beauty and lived experience in Barbie, too; it makes for a more complete “world to play in”. My partner got me my first “curvy” Barbies! They look more like me than the classic tall/thin/weird/white Barbie. 🙂

I did indeed make pot roast, the night before I left for the coast, and it was very tasty. I probably could have cooked it for a somewhat shorter time (the roast was on the small side of the recipe recommendations), and although it wasn’t “dry”, it was a bit more done than my partner and I prefer generally. On the other hand, it made amazing roast beef sandwiches a couple days later. Success? I think so. 😀 My partner made french fries using the air fryer (as part of lunch the day I returned from the coast). Super yummy. Another success. 😀 I’m not surprised that I’ll need some practice and some learning. I think back to his gift to me of a wok earlier this year and how that completely transformed my cooking in wonderful ways… I’m excited to discover how this new tool fits into my experience.

I’m excited for the holiday, and it is approaching quickly. I laugh at myself when I think of how little time and planning or effort has really gone into it so far this year. Different. I’m okay with it. It’s a gentle approach, and with all the goings on in my partner’s shop and developing his business, it was very much a conscious decision to make the holiday a modest one, more about love than exchanging gifts, and more about the quality of the time we share than elaborate décor or parties. I smile like a little girl when I think about my new Barbies. So far it is an awesome Giftmas.

Work pulls my focus for a moment. A calendar notification reminds me that the work day is beginning. A ping from my boss reminds me that my work is valued. It competes for my attention briefly; I check the clock. I’ve got about an hour that is still “all mine”. I smile, sip my coffee, and get ready to begin again.

I’m feeling pretty good this morning. By itself, that’s worth some celebrating. I’ve still got my headache. I’m still in pain with my arthritis. I’m still managing my anxiety. All of that is utterly routine and ordinary (for me), and just part of the background. Other details seem quite… splendid. I slept well and deeply until early this morning. I woke to pee at some point, inadvertently also waking my Traveling Partner. No stress though. We even seemed generally happy to see each other, even at that ridiculous hour.

My homecoming yesterday was delightful. We’d missed each other quite a lot. Other than a quick trip to the store for dinner groceries (the result of which was some amazing roast beef sandwiches), we hung out together at home all day. He cooked lunch. I made dinner. We enjoyed carefully curated content (mostly educational). It was a lovely Sunday.

I’m feeling more stable on the new medication – just in time for an incremental (and quite small) increase in the dosage of one of those on my way to the anticipated “correct dose”. I started that this morning. It feels comfortable, no surprise “other” effects. Nice.

In general, it just feels good to be home. I love that it does feel that way. I sip my coffee feeling festive and celebratory and … relaxed. It’s quite nice. I’m not amped up. I’m not dragging ass. I’m here, present, and content. I don’t think I need much more than that in life to get from enduring my experience to thriving, day-to-day.

…None of this means there is no struggle. None of this means I don’t have to work at living my life to live it well. None of this means I am without symptoms, or free of challenges. Just being real; there are still verbs involved, and I’m not alone in this; we’re each having our own experience. I’m just saying, this feels improved, and if not “effortless”, totally do-able. Just getting here from where I began is hugely worth celebrating. (Personally, I don’t think we celebrate enough, and we’re too hard on ourselves and each other.)

I still have to deal with my chaos and damage. I’ve still got challenges with things like memory and emotionality. All part of living my life, I suppose. Still… it could be so much worse (and has been). I’m grateful to be standing where I am, with the perspective I have gained over time. I’m grateful for this generally very healthy partnership, and to be so thoroughly loved. I’m grateful for this job, for our home, and to live in a pleasant little community. Worth celebrating.

I finish my coffee, and get ready to begin again. 😀

I’ve got a cup of coffee and an open water bottle next to me. The morning began earlier than I expected; the heat in this hotel room came on, I rolled over in bed thinking nothing of it, then woke to a sneezing fit. Well, damn. I’m awake. I did make a half-hearted attempt to continue to sleep, but it didn’t work out and I finally just got up and made this cup of coffee. It’s not a great cup of coffee, it’s just definitely coffee. lol

…A little later this morning, I’ll shower, dress, pack, load the car, and head home…

The sun is not yet up. The holiday lights on the pier that juts out from the restaurant next door are still lit. In spite of the darkness, it’s clear from the street lights up the block reflecting back from the pavement that it has been raining. I yawn and sip my coffee, staring at this blank page until I finally begin with a common starting point: an observation about this moment, and my coffee. lol

Same view, different night.

I consider going back to bed…but I’m not actually sleepy, just a bit groggy, and also in pain. My osteoarthritis doesn’t care for weather that is both chilly and also rainy. I take my pain medication with my morning coffee, figuring it’s early enough for it to fully kick in long before I’m driving. I sip my coffee – it’s honestly pretty bad (instant), but just drinkable enough to still be called “coffee”. I find myself wondering how much longer coffee will even be available as an easy-to-buy beverage…

Did I get what I needed out of the weekend? I came seeking two things: sufficient quiet to hear myself think, and time & distance to get used to my new medication without the constant stress of also meeting someone else’s expectations and needs moment-to-moment. I mostly got what I needed. My solitude was interrupted with conversational moments over chat with my partner; he misses me, and I did not set any sort of “no contact/offline” boundary – I knew he had things going on he might want to communicate or talk about or share. There was also the call from the bank, pretty routine and nothing to be massively stressed out about, though I have experienced an unnecessary amount of anxiety over it, simply because it brushes past ancient trauma from my first marriage. In all cases, these interruptions in my solitude were very practical opportunities to practice some practices, and that’s how I took them. No resentment or agita. “Mission accomplished” then, I guess. Good enough. 🙂

I listen to the heater fan running. It mingles with the higher pitches of my tinnitus. There’s another noise in the background with a cycle that differs, setting it a bit apart… the mini-fridge? I think so. An alarm goes off in an adjacent room. 6:30 a.m. on a Sunday morning? The alarm is quickly silenced and there are no sounds of movement. I smile to myself, recalling times I’ve overlooked shutting off an alarm on a day I could have slept in. I sip my coffee, taking a moment simply to exist in this quiet early morning space. The world beyond the glass door to the balcony is very dark, but I’ve got an inside light on, so… yeah. I do like watching daybreak become dawn, so I switch off the light in the room. It’s too early for that to matter much; it’s just still quite dark. LOL

My phone pings me softly about my morning medication. The intent of the alarm set for each individual medication is as a training tool, not a permanent solution. I am succeeding at rebuilding my timing and habits for taking each one with the correct timing each day (both individually and relative to each other). I feel a small moment of accomplishment every time my phone asks me if I want to cancel the alarm for the day, before it goes off, and I can “say yes” (because I’ve already taken that one); I know it means I’m learning my new timing. Eventually, I’ll cancel each alarm one by one as it becomes clearly unnecessary to have them. 😀

It’s now been almost 3 weeks for the change to my thyroid medication and the addition of the beta blocker. It’s been two weeks since I added the anxiolytic. Everything feels pretty “normal” now – a new normal, with more energy and less anxiety. Nice. Was this short getaway worth it? Yeah. Definitely. I was feeling pretty raw and aggravated, and it was all me and shit I needed to sort out for myself. My partner doesn’t benefit from having to endure that needlessly. I got home in a much better state-of-mind than the one I was in when I got here “days ago”.

I “got my steps in” on this trip – walked a bit more than 13 miles over two days. I got plenty of sleep, too. I wrote. Meditated. Reflected on this-n-that. I read not one word of Proust, and very little of anything else. Though I started reading a couple times, I generally ended up lost in thought, or taking more pictures of the view. I took quite a few pictures – I hope one or two of them are good. 😀

All that’s left is a bit of coffee sipping and waiting on the dawn (I don’t feel inclined to rush home such that driving in the dark is necessary, and I don’t prefer it). So yeah… this adventure wraps up nicely with a few words and this cup of (fairly bad)(instant) coffee. It’s a good moment to begin again.