I’m packed. It’s time to head home. It’s been meaningful time, well-spent on self-reflection, meditation, and watching the tides come and go. It was a lovely way to celebrate the arrival of Spring. I enjoyed some eye-opening moments, and end these days feeling that progress has been made…
…Now, how do I hold on to that progress?
Here’s the simple truth of it; we become what we practice. No matter how frequent or profound the epiphanies may be, if I don’t put what I’ve learned or observed into actual practice (thus, reinforcing what has been learned), it doesn’t change a fucking thing. So. There’s that. My results will vary. There are verbs involved. I’ll need to keep practicing. 🙂 Those are the basics of making a change.
I’ll say more about specifics over the next few days – I’m on vacation all week. This first piece was time spent with the woman in the mirror. Self-care. The next few days will be in the company of my partner, living my practices, and continuing to enjoy some down time. It’s a lovely plan.
I look around this room again. Have I forgotten anything? Seems not. I know me; I will check every cabinet, cupboard, and drawer once more before I go. lol (Just being thorough.)
Restless night. The occupant of the room next to mine left their bathroom fan running literally all night, until they had a massive loud argument around 0500. I was not ready to get up for the day, and so did not, but I had my hand on the phone to call 911, since the noises from the room next door suggested it may be necessary. Things went very quiet after a single door-slam, one occupant leaving the room to the other. The rain started to fall during the night. I got a pleasant walk in, during a break in the rain, when I got up shortly before 0700.
The restless night did not diminish my feeling of being rested or “topped off” – that previously emptied glass is refilled, and I sip my coffee, contentedly, smiling. Packing completed, it’s time to load up the car, check out, and head home. 😀 Time to begin again. 😀
Appearances are funny things, aren’t they? I’m sipping my morning coffee late into the morning, because, honestly, why not? I am “on vacation”, taking some solo time on the coast to meditate, reflect, read, write, and walk. I’ve gotten some good pictures.
I am, in this moment right here, watching the tide turn from the low a short while ago, reversing direction, and now flowing back, with high tide expected at 13:48 this afternoon. Low tide reveals the mud flats of Siletz Bay, enjoyed by the many sea birds that inhabit the area. The birds traverse the mud flats in flocks and individually, seeking tasty morsels in the mud. People watching the birds (and the tides) walk the adjacent beach (and in some cases, right on across the mud flats, too), sometimes alone, sometimes with children or dogs.
Siletz Bay at low tide.
Funny that the water of the nearby branch of Drift Creek seems to flow backwards as the tide turns. Instead of subtle waves that demonstrate the direction that the creek flows into the bay, then on to the ocean just beyond (visible from my balcony), now the waves suggest that the water is flowing upstream… and… I guess it is, at least in the sense that the tide has turned and is now returning the waters to the bay that flowed outward only a few hours ago. My eyes deceive me just a bit; intellectually, I am confident that the creek continues to flow into the bay, and on to the sea, I just can’t see that it is happening, due to tricks of the light on the surface of the water showing me only the most surface movement, which is definitely the tide coming in.
What is “the truth of it”? Well, the bay is refilling as the tide comes in. That’s true. The creek continues to flow from it’s source into the sea. Also true. The tide comes in, the tide goes out, in a very regular predictable way – another truth. I value these small points of certainty in a very uncertain world. Ducks, geese, gulls, herons, and cranes enjoy the shallow waters. I enjoy them as they do. It feels rather as if even the joy itself …flows.
It’s been a lovely couple of quiet days here alone at the beach. This funny somewhat run-down hotel I favor here gives me the room for solitude that I need. They’re very accommodating and appreciative any time I come for a stay. This room is my “new favorite”… Room 310. It’s long past its glory. The upholstery is faded, worn, and dingy – threadbare in places, and of a tired sort of green that doesn’t hide dirt well. The carpet is also worn. The wood furniture is chipped, dinged, and shows signs of age and mistreatment over many years of guests. The walls have been repaired in places, and there are places on the ceiling that hint at past flooding from above. It’s a funny room with a wedge-shaped layout that is a bit more spacious than most rooms here. The small bathroom reflected the care taken by the staff; so clean it almost seems to belong in some other hotel, newer, more modern, perhaps. I feel lucky that the mini-fridge is not noisy (they usually are). This room also has “more view”, with one big window facing the bay, and then the balcony facing the ocean. Lovely. The views are spectacular and have occupied my attention thoroughly.
My days are filled with walking the beach here at the foot of the hotel, and sitting on the balcony, or at the table by the window, meditating, and bird-watching. My head is filled with my own thoughts – and the quiet of wind and waves, and the calls of gulls filling the silence. Pleasant. I could come here often and never get bored. I don’t need much more out of this experience than I am getting; it’s the solitude that I was seeking, and I definitely found it here.
I could have written more. Didn’t. I’ve been content to spend the days in quiet reflection, absorbed in my own thoughts, on my own time. It’s been enough. More than enough; it’s what I needed.
I watch the water continue to slowly fill the bay as the tide comes in. The pattern of sand, mud, water, and waves changes with each tide. It’s interesting to watch, and to note the variations. I find myself wondering, if I sat here by this window watching long enough, would I see the pattern repeat at some point? Are the variations finite? As the bay fills, I see seals in the deeper areas, playfully enjoying a swim. There’s a sandy bar on which they gather to rest and soak up the sun, across the inlet to the bay from the beach where local fishers like to go. The seals and gulls compete with the fishers for the various fish and crabs that are so desirable. It’s a popular spot. Early in the mornings, I walk down the beach in the direction of the inlet, and the ocean, listening to the waves roll in. In the afternoons, I take the same (or similar) walk. It’s convenient to the hotel, and the variety that comes of weather and the passage of time is enough to entertain me endlessly. I’m certainly a long way from being at all concerned about “boredom”. lol
The ocean, visible just beyond the inlet to the bay.
Another morning. Another Friday. Another cup of coffee. 😀
I sat down with other thoughts, but as the minutes passed my thoughts just sort of … dissipated. I’m left with this pleasant quiet moment and this cup of coffee. It’s enough. I feel contented, and I am safe and warm inside, while a strangely snowy rain falls steadily outside.
I woke too early. Headed to the co-work space early. I was hopeful my Traveling Partner would be able to get some additional rest (he was already up when I woke), but based on the continued conversation via text, I guess he was not able to go back to sleep. I sip my coffee hoping he has at least had enough rest to support the needs of his day. I’m tired, but not groggy (which is nice), and I would have happily gone back to sleep after getting up to pee at 04:25, but his audible exclamation of relief that I was “finally” up fueled a decision to, instead, properly get my day started a bit early. I’m not cross about it; should be a short day, today.
I think about the weekend ahead. What will I do with it? What will we do with it together? Sunday evening I’ll head into the city for a work “on site” event that spans a couple days, before returning home Wednesday. The week after that I’ve got a couple days on the coast planned. I find myself hoping he is easily able to sleep while I’m gone.
My back aches from the cold chilly weather. My face hurts because my occipital neuralgia has flared up. My head aches, but, honestly, when doesn’t it? It’s all just physical pain. Noise. I breathe, exhale, and relax – which rarely seems to actually reduce the pain I’m in, but sometimes does sort of “push it off to the side” and render it rather harmless. I take time to meditate. Do some yoga. I feel ready for the day ahead. It’s a good feeling.
I yawn and queue up a study playlist – maybe this week I’ll take my next certification exam? Life itself doesn’t give us many “credentials” for basic adulting or successfully thriving… but “credentials” are out there for the taking, on a wide variety of topics and skills, in many areas of human endeavor. Feel like you need one? Go get it! Do the coursework. Do the study. Take the test(s). Looks great on a resume – and feels pretty good to complete. 😀 What are you interested in? Are you learning that? If not, why not? What are you waiting for? You’ve got the entire internet in front of you and you’re sitting here with me? Ready this? I promise you my feelings will not be hurt if you choose, instead, to go learn something that could have a significant payoff in skills, ease, or enjoyment of life – or even money. lol Do you.
The day begins to break through the pre-dawn gloom. It’s snowing now (again). The sky is gray. It’s time to begin again.
This morning I sat down with my coffee and the recollection of a simple task I had reminded myself to handle this morning. Easy stuff. Add a profile picture to an email account. No problem. On it. But… no. It wasn’t that simple. I appeared not to have administrative access to those details, directly. Wild. Am I not an administrator on this account, I wondered? I checked. Nope. I am an administrator… should be able to do this… what am I missing…
I get a log in prompt… no saved password. Well, shit. What was that password? I noodle around awhile unsuccessfully. I drink more coffee. I go do something else. I come back to this task. I repeat those steps and a few others.
I started to become frustrated, then paused. Walked around the block. Came back to my desk thinking about the context in which the email account with the profile I was looking to update was created, just this week… I found my success almost by mistake, looking at a sticky note with a password jotted down, crossed out, rewritten; I had been figuring out what the password would be, and went through a couple iterations. I didn’t think it would have been for this email account (for which I had failed to save the password on my computer)… but the timing was similar… so… I tried that one. It worked.
Here’s the thing; we go through this life without clear instructions, and without a map to guide us. Doesn’t matter if you follow some strict belief system with rules laid out explicitly or not – we’re largely on our own and making most of this shit up. True of hiking new trails, finding a new apartment, building a new relationship, or yeah, even setting up new email accounts. We don’t always have all the information we may need. Our decisions are not made in advance, generally. Our results will vary. The outcomes are not certain. It’s not always a given that someone else will have an easy answer for us, even when we know what questions to ask (and we often don’t).
…Sometimes we’ve just got to figure it out…
(No, I’m not saying it’s “easy” – it fucking isn’t.)
Begin again. Try something else. Approach the thing differently. Give it a rest and come back to it. Work at it. Take notes. Maybe just move on from it if the struggle subtracts all remaining value from the potential achievement. There are verbs involved – count on it.
“Success” isn’t even always about what we think it is… sometimes it’s about the decision-making to “cut our losses” and just do something else. lol
Figure it out. You’ve got this. One way or another…
I am sipping my coffee and waking up from a deeply restful, rare, uninterrupted night of actual sleep. I woke befuddled when the lights slowly came up (silent alarm clock). I felt disoriented, and uncertain why I was waking up…? It took me a minute to “place myself” in the context of day, date, and time.
I managed to get dressed and out the door without crashing into something or dropping something, or making a ton of noise; this surprises me. I’m grateful though – it likely means my Traveling Partner also got to sleep without being wakened by my departure.
I sat down at my desk with my coffee this morning without much thought about what to write. My thoughts were still filled with fragments of dreams, scattered about, disorganized, and fairly random seeming. I found myself beginning with those pieces… like a jigsaw puzzle. Individually they don’t amount to much, just the many details of a life being lived, you know? Assembled into a coherent whole, they begin to form a picture of this human being that I am in the context of this life, this location, and this moment in time.
…so many little details…
Like… I tried out my newest batch of shower steamers yesterday. Pleasant. Here’s a thing I noticed about both batches, though; the scent is a bit too subtle and understated (for me). I ended up doing a bit more homework trying to find something more measured and specific for the amount of fragrance needed than “X many drops“. Are they kidding with that shit? We’re grown folks here, I can take it; give it to me in fucking milliliters, please!? 0_o LOL I finally found a source with a clear measure; I was using about a third what I actually needed. Well. That explains a lot. lol
…I’m a human being still learning things. I hope I always will be…
Then there’s also my continued efforts to lose some excess weight, and regain some lost fitness. I’ve been logging my steps. Logging my meals. Logging my sleep. It’s not much effort; my wearable does a lot of it for me. There really are a lot of verbs involved nonetheless… I tend to enjoy “easy” when I can find it, though, and that sometimes results in far too little actual effort exerted than would be wise (seeing how I’d like to be fitter). I keep resetting and beginning again, and I keep making slow progress. Faster progress would be sweet to see, but the slow gains are more likely to be ones I can hold on to for the long-term. Again and again, I look my frustrations in the face and remind myself that incremental change over time can be … super slow.
…I’m a human being still trying, and still working out how to get things done…
I’m starting to feel more confident and secure in my new job. It’s good to feel more “settled in” and comfortable. Making a change of career so late in life feels a bit… awkward. Unsettling. Scary? Maybe scary, yeah. Feels good, too – more to learn, more opportunities to grow. New skills developing. New understandings of things I hadn’t previously been exposed to. It’s pretty wonderful in some respects. I sip my coffee and smile; it felt right at the time, and it feels right, now. 😀
…I’m a human being willing to change…
Being back in therapy has been good for me. It’s given me a sort of “safety net” for dealing with deeper traumas, and for talking over shit that’s on my mind that would only serve to disrupt the harmony of my relationship to bring it up casually along the course of a day. My Traveling Partner is not (and cannot be) my therapist.
…I’m a human being willing to seek the help I need…
I remember the leftovers in the fridge from dinner last night; I’d planned to have those for lunch today. I forgot to grab that container on my way out this morning. LOL
…I’m a human being, being human…
I smile and yawn, and sip my coffee. I feel contented on a Tuesday, and filled with a certain hopefulness. Feels good. It’s a nice starting point from which to begin again. 😀
…Don’t forget to make time to appreciate the small things that make you who you are on the journey to become the person you most want to be; it’s a nice way to begin a day.
Evening Light 