Tomorrow things here at home, settling into new spaces and arrangements of things, should begin to normalize; the internet will be connected. (I get by comfortably well with just my handheld device on 4G, but it isn’t as comfortable to write.) Even as I form the thought I am aware it is merely a prediction based on likelihood, planning, and anticipated good fortune; I can’t really see the future with any clarity. In a tightly realistic way, I know only that the necessary appointment has been made and it’s for today. 🙂

I spend some minutes contemplating all the verbs involved in making this section of rented multi family residential construction a ‘home’… And what ‘home’ means to me. When I move, habits break down due to change and disarray; what is functional or expedient as I navigate life from box to box, not yet fully unpacked, is very different than what is ideal, comfortable or beautiful. I look around each room carefully and make a simple list of broken habits and details that matter to me personally; sometimes the verbs are best managed in an organized way, I find. Living alone is a continuous opportunity to treat myself well, to practice exceptional self-care, and to build my life as I most wish to live it. I am inclined to think these things can be done within the context of shared familial living, but I have sucked at that so completely for so much of my life that I properly lost my way, and turned on myself in such a fashion that it became very difficult to determine healthy relationships from damaging ones, to clearly recognize mistreatment, or even to endure living. I am well past all that now, and although I am in a much healthier place with myself, the experience of moving, with all the turmoil and disruption that goes with that experience is enough to remind me how much work has gone into getting me here. It’s a worthy moment for reflection, and a fitting time to observe some details that need my everyday attention.

My choices change my results.

There are cables and cords willy nilly everywhere; the visual disorder is an irritant. I make a note of this, and list them all for attention – perhaps before the weekend: aquarium, stereo, desk…even lamps will have their moment. I prefer cables and cords to be very tidy generally bundled, or clamped neatly.

Yesterday morning I woke to dishes in the sink. Yeah, mine – obviously – and no, not okay with me. I find dishes left in the sink (or beside it) fairly objectionable, and they only get more gross over time. It’s so common to be too tired, or involved in something more fun in the moment, and in that instant to just put dishes in the sink instead of the waiting dishwasher… But any time I take that short cut I am also showing myself considerable disrespect, and a lack of consideration; every time I see those dishes in the sink I am aware of work not yet completed, on top of the moment of irritation that I stomped all over my own boundaries. I also really loathe waking up to dirty dishes. The experience yesterday was sufficient to put me back on track; this morning I woke to a sparkling clean kitchen.

These are only samples from my own narrative. Your needs, and results, may vary. Honestly, I totally get not putting household tasks at the highest priority; there is so much more to life than being a slave to household upkeep! There are individual compromises I can/do take, and others that don’t feel comfortable for me. A coat hanging ‘conveniently’ on the back of a chair (that happens to be quite near to the closet in which it actually belongs) doesn’t bother me…a single glass or coffee mug sitting in the sink instead of being put into the dishwasher aggravates me, and results in feeling a bit cross. Choices.

I sip my coffee and think about home, feeling ‘at home’, and what is required from me today to live more beautifully than I did yesterday… Until each morning finds me tending to wake in a common state of contentment that is generally sustainable throughout each day. Like so many things, it’s a process, and there are tasks to be completed, and practices to practice.

Today is a good day to take care of this fragile vessel, and to appreciate what works for me more often than I am critical of what works less well. Today is a good day to treat the world as well as I am learning to treat myself. Today is a good day to be the change I wish to see, and yes, there are verbs involved. My results may vary. 🙂

This morning I am enjoying my coffee with cream and sugar, a rare treat. I am relaxing contentedly in this safe quiet place and making room in my heart to wish the world well.

Just morning coffee and a quiet moment.

I listen to the sound of the last freight train to pull past the commuter platform, some distance away on the other side of the park. The track is shared during business hours. The freight trains are much louder. The sound doesn’t trouble me; it is somehow a sound of ‘home’. 

I listen to the rain tapping on my roof, my flue cover, and the windows, and feel the luxury of bare feet, tickled by clean new carpet, before pulling my legs up to sit cross legged on the love seat. I hear the aquarium trickling gently, and watch the fish swim calmly. They drift seemingly without effort, adding to the calm of this lovely morning.

I started this comfortable pleasant morning with a voicemail from my traveling partner; tender loving words are an excellent start to the day. I will, if I am properly adult, finish this one with laundry.  There’s really nothing extraordinary about this morning or this day… It is one of many, worthy of savoring, lingering over the best bits, and wholly enjoying, awake and aware.

It doesn’t require so many words to enjoy a lovely morning, it’s the sharing for which language was built, and continues to thrive… Sharing completed, it’s my choice to invest entirely in having the experience of this lovely morning, and leave you to invest in yours. I hope you have also chosen to have quite a lovely morning…even if there are some verbs involved.

With our choices we change the world.

Back to work today; adult choices about quality of life don’t pay for themselves. 🙂

I sip my coffee and consider one ‘wrong note’ in life’s song in a very long while. A moment of utter rudeness that itself stemmed from my impulse control issues, and quickly deteriorated into a difficult to manage experience, in part due to simply feeling ashamed of my own rudeness. It was a common enough thing, but also one I strongly object to in my associations, and endeavor always to avoid – I allowed myself to be distracted from a flesh and blood live human by a text message from elsewhere. Poor form. Disrespectful. Inconsiderate. Yeah, just frankly inexcusably rude.  It’s also incredibly rare for me to do that. I did though, and it’s still on my mind, not because it occurred, nor even how I handled acknowledging my error, or the immediate apology – which seemed immediate to me only because it was what I did first after completing my reply to the text message from work. It was not truly timely. It’s on my mind this morning as a reminder of an entirely other sort.

I find living with other people very challenging. I enjoyed my rare week living with my traveling partner, and spent the move feeling fairly self-congratulatory that it was so easy. We treated each other very well, and mindfully so on this whole other level than typical day to day living is so often spent. He was hurting, I was offering a haven, and a listening heart. It was an extended period of heightened acceptance and intimacy, and although an indication of profound progress… I live best alone, at least for now.

Yesterday, my rudeness in a very ordinary 21st century moment was a very abrupt wake up call, and reminder that I have chosen this day to day comfort and contentment to heal myself. It hurts some to acknowledge that I am not ‘there’ yet, however far I have come. Still, how sweet to make the discovery in a moment of simple rudeness, instead of something much worse?

This morning I sip my coffee profoundly grateful to begin again, so many times, to experience so much and gain such broad perspective, to love and be loved flaws and all, while also enjoying the luxury of minimizing the collateral damage to the heart and spirit of the ones dearest to me, by living alone while I sort myself out and find my way.

Whatever the writing utensil, the words matter, particularly the verbs.

Today is a good day to be my own cartographer. Today is a good day to live and love well – and mindfully. Today is a good day for acceptance and contentment, and practicing the practices. Incremental change over time continues – and I am still quite human.

In the distracting stillness of my solitude,
I remember all that I really want and
it is enough.

Another rainy morning, after another good night of sleep. Another good cup of coffee, watching another dawn unfold contentedly. Another day of moving? Not so much, no; although some amount of moving in remains to be done, the moving out is completed, except for cleaning and vacuuming.

This move has been about self-sufficiency, simplicity, and minimizing emotional and cognitive disruption. I am finding it has been wildly unimaginably successful, rather as if every calorie additional personal effort expended has been directly invested in my continued contentment and comfort. I guess it has. It was a good choice to make, for me. I have lost count of the verbs involved. 🙂

I have found opportunities to balance the needed effort and commitment to the task at hand with day to day good self care, and remained fairly mindful of basics like adequate rest and healthy well timed calories. I even worked things out to minimize time spent in the limbo between places, and mostly avoided angsty weird moments of peculiar loneliness or feelings of displacement. I am feeling accomplished and comfortable, even knowing the first [bigger] rent check is due tomorrow.

Enough

Incremental change over time…and I am here, versus somewhere very different in life.  Today is a good day to appreciate progress, and change.