Something or Everything?

In life it’s rare for an outcome to deliver “everything” we want or need (or thought we wanted or needed) in a single tidy package of delight. Very uncommon. Far more typical of outcomes, generally, however hard we work towards a goal, is to achieve… something. A partial victory. A fraction of a total. A “participation trophy” instead of first place. A thousand dollar win on a million (or billion) dollar chance. A job that pays the bills (but won’t necessarily let someone “get ahead”). Something.

…”Something” is not “everything”…

Knowing that life is made up of somethings, and rarely features even a single “everything” moment, ever, one might be forgiven for extrapolating that human beings are therefore deeply invested in contentment, appreciation, and a deep understanding of sufficiency – having “enough” being within easy reach, versus that elusive “having it all” that so many dream of. Ah, but that’s not how human primates work, and so often a pursuit of “everything”, and the “having it all” day dreams (that often undermine more realistic goals), seem to be more likely to be expressed in day-to-day bitching about what isn’t, and what hasn’t, and what won’t, and all manner of forms of complaining and dissatisfaction in life. Peculiar.

We become what we practice.

…When we practice feeling discontented, dissatisfied, and held back by circumstances or individuals, we become very skilled at being discontented, dissatisfied, (even to the point of holding ourselves back so we can also bitch about the circumstances) and adopting an air of being downtrodden and “let down by life”. Conversely, I’ve noticed first hand, when I practice contentment, feeling satisfied, and exploring alternative choices that could allow me to capitalize on unexpected circumstances (instead of feeling held back by them), I become contented, satisfied in life, and more skilled at managing (and even embracing) change. I bounce back more easily, because my life is characterized by contentment, generally. This is a big deal. Bigger than it may appear at first glance, which is why I’m going on about it a bit.

…Maybe stop bitching so much about every fucking thing, hmm?…

It’s easy to bitch about how bad things are. (Maybe things really are bad? That’s real. I get it.) Okay, so… is it actually helpful, or useful, or likely to make things better, if I were to wallow in misery and invest time and emotional energy in feelings of discontent, and expressions of dissatisfaction to the point of crowding out time and energy for action? I haven’t seen that investing time and energy and words in discontent or misery does anything at all to ease either. I don’t become less discontented by being discontented with my “lot in life” or my decision-making, or circumstances. Not even a little bit. I don’t find myself feeling propelled forward into an exciting future by standing around bitching about how circumstances are holding me back, or the deck is stacked against me – even when it really may seem that’s the case. It’s just not helpful in any practical way, and it very much tends to alienate people who could be supportive allies, because over time it’s likely to become an annoying buzzkill for anyone who might want to stick around to help out.

I’m not saying “pretend life is rosy”. That also isn’t very useful or effective. We only need to look to social media to know that doesn’t work at all. “Fake it till you make it” has a toxic subtext, and I’m not really a fan of that approach. I value authenticity – and positive progress, forward momentum, frankness, and a willingness to embrace change. Start your journey where you are, and move forward from there. Fakery is fakery, and that often fails because it’s fake – even where intentions are good.

Nothing I’m saying amounts to “easy”. It’s hard to have a shitty moment and to resist the tendency to allow it to become a shitty experience that develops into a shitty day that slowly becomes a shitty life, over time, as shitty experiences accumulate. We pick at our wounds and prevent them from healing. It’s very human.

So many of my everyday practices are about finding a comfortable, useful, real perspective on “now” that also gives me a firm foundation to move forward from, in an emotionally healthy positive way, without bullshitting myself (or anyone else). Still not easy. There are verbs involved. My results vary. I keep practicing. 😀 Worth it. I’ve come soooo far.

This morning is a lovely morning. For real. Yes, I’m between jobs… and I’m also enjoying the lovely summer days, and time in the garden, and time spent with my Traveling Partner and his visiting son. It’s a pleasant time to reconsider what I want to be doing with my time that suits my skills, brings in a paycheck, and is also satisfying and worthwhile work. This is a great time to consider all of that. I sip a glass of water (I’ve long since had my coffee, and it’s going to be quite a hot day), and reflect on all the things that are working out well, and I take a moment to consider the things that matter, the things that fill a good life, and what it takes to be the woman I most want to be. I pause to reflect, to write, and to practice.

…Then I begin again…