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Another Day, Another Chance

February 26, 2024 //
2

I’m waiting for in-room hotel coffee to finish burbling its way to being an actual cup of hopefully drinkable coffee. Oh, I know; it’ll likely be pretty crappy, but the hope exists as its own thing, and it’s worth cherishing for its own value. Hope is a good feeling. I like feeling it. Anyway, if you ask someone who doesn’t like coffee in the first place, they’ll tell you how bad it reliably is – all of it. lol. Perspective, too, is a thing that exists.

Yesterday was interesting – and precious. My dear friend woke from her unhealthy repose in the hospital, and we shared some laughs and some lucid conversation. It awoke hope in me, and put my drenching sorrow to rest, and it feels good to connect with a dear friend, even under such trying circumstances. I was also fortunate to get to visit with others dear to her, in one case gently renewing an old relationship that had fallen to circumstances, which was both unexpected and delightful. The friends who had gathered last summer, when I made my trip down the coastal highway in July, gathered again, too, and although the confines of a hotel room were not so merry as relaxing in my dear friend’s home, it almost felt like that party, once again. It was fun. It was also purposeful, as these gathered loved ones were gathering to care for my dear friend together and in turns. I am, in a sense, simply passing through their experience of saying goodbye, to have my own. All for her, this quite wonderful and very dear friend.

I upended my plans, after talking to my Traveling Partner; one more day, another chance to visit, and also a means of taking some pressure off myself to hit the road again almost immediately. It was frankly surprisingly hard on this fragile vessel to make the drive down so directly, all in one shot, in ways it definitely would not have been 3 decades ago. I sit with that thought awhile, and sip my coffee. (Is my coffee as terrible as it seemed likely to be? You don’t know that unless I tell you. Something like the pain of strangers; it probably exists, but you aren’t likely to know unless the information is explicitly shared with you. I don’t know why that feels share worthy – it’s a dark bit of perspective.)(Yes, it’s awful. lol)(The coffee. The coffee is awful.)

I woke at my usual time, this morning, after a pretty good night’s sleep. That bodes well for the trip back tomorrow. I woke missing my Traveling Partner. Missing home. Missing a reliably good cup of coffee on a lazy weekend morning, and I am rather awkwardly aware that I’ve “missed the weekend” entirely. lol I breathe, exhale, and relax – it’s an unimportant detail of the sort that can spin up a heartbreaking amount of pointless stress, so I let that go. Ridiculous bullshit is not welcome this morning. It has proven to be helpful to be open to “success” even in times of sorrow, and I’m welcoming this dawn as I welcome any other; a new day, a new beginning, a new bunch of opportunities and chances. Place your bets, roll the dice – but don’t get attached to the outcome, and don’t bet what you can’t afford to lose. Put that way, this “game” that is life looks so damned easy!! I know, it isn’t – it’s more complicated than a game, and the last hand is always a reminder that we are mortal creatures.

…Maybe this cup of coffee isn’t so bad after all? Perspective…

I’ve learned some other things visiting with my dear friend. Things about mortality. Things about nearing the end of a life. Things about dignity and comfort. Things about health and wellness. Things about… risk management. I’m glad I came down to visit my dear friend. Fucking hell I’m going to miss her, and this visit gives me much to reflect on, myself, for my own purposes, too. I chuckle to myself to realize that even now, under these circumstances, she continues to teach me things I need to know in that gentle and unassuming way she always has. I sip my coffee contentedly. It’s still quite early. I’ve got time to get a walk in, and maybe do some yoga before breakfast. Certainly, it’s time to begin again.

… The clock is ticking. What will you do with the time that is left to you?

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Categories Allegories, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, grief, health, inspiration, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Relationships, The Art of Being, women

Living the Experience

February 25, 2024 //
0

I’m sipping my first cup of (terrible) morning coffee, courtesy of this somewhat rundown hotel, part of a massive chain with a good reputation… and often less-than-impressive results. I won’t name names, it could be any chain. lol It could be any bad cup of in-room hotel coffee. I’d meant to write a few words last night, after reaching my destination, a small town on the northern California coast… I was too tired to do more than get checked-in, haul my minimal baggage (a weekend bag, and my “office on wheels” that I use for hauling my laptop and peripherals around) into my room and settle in. That hints at my age more than a little, doesn’t it? I use peripherals (a mouse, a separate keyboard…). I chuckle quietly to myself. I don’t care if my age is out there in the world, and I for sure do not prefer to sit with a laptop perched somewhere trying to type at some odd angle! lol

…I’m 60 as I sit here, and 61 in June this year. Fucking hell, the time races by…

I woke up to the buzz of a message from my Traveling Partner, awake ahead of me, with the recollection of last nights spectacular sunset in my thoughts and regretting that it was not convenient to try to get a picture of it (I was driving down highway 101 at the time, eager to finish the drive and not wanting to stop, even for a picture of a sunset). It was one of the most wonderful, most colorful sunsets I’ve ever seen. It turned the evening sky the boldest shade of deep orange, and the steely blue-turning-to-gray of the ocean peaking through the trees as I passed, and watching the sunset fade into the twilight was amazing. I wish, now, in the faint light of dawn, that I had stopped and taken a picture, to remember it for always. Here’s the thing, though; the picture is not the experience. The memory, too, is not the experience, itself. It was more important that I was watching, aware, and present in the moment that beautiful sunset occurred. Seeing a picture of it, without having seen it would be lovely, sure, but… it’s not the same as living it… and lived experiences are fleeting.

I’m just saying… don’t give up living to get a picture of the moment. “Be here, now” is not a passive endeavor. There are verbs involved. Do the verbs. Live the experience. Your experience. Time is short and it is fleeting – and we are mortal creatures. Maybe the whole fucking point is to live while we live? Eyes wide open and grabbing life with both hands and childlike wonder seems more worthwhile than getting just the right staged photo to share…somewhere, particularly on some digital platform that may not even survive the decade. My opinion. Do you.

…Well… here I am, eh? One woman, living this mortal life…

Today I’ll visit a dear friend, and say goodbye. I won’t rush it. Even this sort of moment is meant to be lived, and being present is the most precious thing I can offer my friend, now. I have no miracles on hand, but I’ll be there, 100% this woman I am; I know I am as dear to her, as she is to me. It’s enough. I take a moment for gratitude; I’m fortunate to be able to “drop everything” and be here. I’m grateful for that, and for my Traveling Partner, who is injured and still recovering, and lonely while I am away, but nonetheless encouraged me without hesitation to make this trip knowing how important this friendship has been to me, and how hard it is to say last goodbyes. I admit… I keep hoping it will somehow prove to have been “a waste of time” and that my friend will fully recover and be completely okay. I don’t even try to brush away that unlikely hope; we need to hope. It keeps us going in tough times. Our emotions are not our enemies. (Took me awhile to learn that lesson!)

…So… I sip my terrible first coffee, alert for messages from my Traveling Partner, or from a friend here locally (we’d talked about maybe getting a coffee this morning; this whole thing is hard on both of us, but she’s been here dealing with it since things went downhill for my dear friend, and it was her message that brought me here). I’m thinking my thoughts, and preparing to visit a dear friend (probably for the last time). Poignant and sorrow-filled, but it’s a friendship worth honoring, and I really don’t think I could live with the regret if I didn’t at least try to show up and say goodbye.

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Categories Allegories, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, grief, Love, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, women

Restless

February 22, 2024 //
0

I’m having a restless sort of morning. I’ve stepped through the details of my morning routine, my commute, the start of my work day, and I feel… restless. Like there’s “something more” “out there”, or as if I am unsatisfied with life, generally. It’s an illusion, as much as it has any basis in reality. Emotional weather. I breathe, inhaling deeply, and exhaling slowly, feeling my subtle anxiety lurking in the background fall away ever so slowly with each breath. It’s a practice that works to reduce my anxiety, before it can get out of hand, but it does nothing much to change this strange feeling of restlessness.

…I could plan a camping trip… It’s a bit early in the year for (me to be) sleeping on the ground, but I enjoy the exercise of planning, and I don’t mind planning well in advance – in fact, some places I might wish to camp require quite a bit of long range planning (they’re just that popular, I suppose). On the other hand, I’m not feeling any sort of urgent need to be away from home (quite the contrary). This feeling of restlessness is inconveniently timed. I sip my coffee and think about it for some minutes – what am I “running from”? Something? Anything? Am I tussling with unaddressed urges? No doubt I’ve got my share of those…

The morning sky has clouds, and broad streaks of blue between those. The sunrise surprised me with it’s earliness, and was gone before I gave it much thought. It’s definitely morning, bathed in daylight diffused by the cloudy sky. Pretty. I gaze out the windows awhile, watching the streetcar make the trip around the block, from one stop to the next, heading the other direction. As early as it is, there are already people in the park below me, walking, sipping coffee, sitting on a bench. The water features are bland brown blocks of earth tones, not yet reflecting the sky above in any visible way from this distance (and angle of view). I wonder to myself when the Koi fish will be there, again, and where they go when they are not in the pond. I don’t care enough to look into it further, I’m just momentarily curious.

I breathe, exhale, and relax, taking stock of my pain and considering how best to manage it. I sip my coffee, and pull myself more upright, correcting my posture (again). I think about my Traveling Partner, his recovery, and how much I adore him. It’s hard being injured and being patient with the tediously long time recovery can sometimes take. Some injuries don’t heal quickly. I feel for him and kind of regret coming into the office, when I could be working from home where I could easily do things to care for him and make life easier. I sigh and shake my head when I realize I’d also very much like to just go back to bed and maybe nap awhile… Fucking hell? Really? The day has hardly begun…

…I hear a flurry of negative self-talk comments begin to develop in my thoughts, and put myself on pause; there’s literally nothing whatsoever wrong with wistful thoughts of sleeping in and napping, especially for a woman who struggles to get adequate healthy sleep! I laugh out loud in this quiet room and remind myself silently to “be nice” and treat myself with care and kindness – to do otherwise puts me at risk of losing sight of how I treat others. If I’m a dick to myself, how can I expect to treat others gently and with compassion? It’s something I’ve been working on a lot, lately.

Another sip of my almost-cold-now coffee, and my thoughts slide towards far away friends, and a dear friend struggling with mortality. Maybe that’s really the thing driving my restlessness, I realize; I miss far away friends, and I know I will regret not making time to see them (more often than I do). I find myself wondering if I should simply plan a trip to see my ill friend, and make a point of doing so while I can. It clearly matters enough to fuck with my head. I think that over quietly, and the restlessness begins to ease. Okay, so I got there, eventually. Now to do something about it, I suppose…

…I finish my coffee and get ready to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, Anxiety, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, Love, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, Spring, Summer, The Art of Being, winter, women

Driving Lessons

February 21, 2024 //
0

I’m contemplating the day ahead, and the commute behind me, and considering the things I’ve learned while driving. I mean, there are really some useful lessons that can be applied in a more general way, too.

  1. You can only go as fast as the traffic ahead of you is going.
  2. Driving conditions vary.
  3. Letting anger control your behavior does not contribute positively to the outcome.
  4. Other people’s behavior is not about you at all. Stop taking that shit personally, but also don’t be a dick.
  5. Open road ahead feels like “freedom”.
  6. Self-care matters; taking a break from stress is helpful.
  7. Until you “get there”, the journey matters more than the destination.

Things I’m thinking about as I start my day. Figured I’d share. 😀

If the stress is getting to you, in life or while commuting, stop and take a break! You’ll thank yourself.
Driving conditions vary.
Traffic sucks. Do your best. Breathe.
Most of the misery you experience is something you create for yourself. You can choose differently. Your results will vary.

I sip my tea and consider this; people who will “cheat” the traffic rules to get ahead in traffic are likely to be the same people who cheat in life, in various minor and major ways. More to think about. Who do you want most to be? I direct the question to the woman in the mirror, and begin again.

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Categories Allegories, breathe, Free Will, Healthy Living, inspiration, Metaphors, Parables, Perspective, Practices, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Be Present, Time Is Short

February 20, 2024 //
0

I’m sipping the last of my iced coffee and finishing a bowl of oatmeal. Healthier choices are on my mind a lot lately. I look out the window at the stormy looking gray sky and wonder whether the sun will come out, or the day will be rainy. It makes no particular difference, I just wonder.

The hint of blue in the morning sky reflects my mood back at me.

I’m not weeping, nor feeling bereft or despairing. I’m just a tiny bit blue, and contemplating the potential that I may be saying a final good-bye to someone dear to me, if not “soon” for sure sooner than I want to have to face it (which would frankly be not at all). We are mortal creatures. Fucking hell, doesn’t that suck all the damned ballz?? I sigh out loud and think about dear friends, far away family, and peculiarly close others that I feel, sometimes, in my day-to-day experience as “ghosts” of times past. Yes, even in spite of my fondness for solitude, I too am a social creature, and I miss those dear to me whose geographical distance keeps them from being with me “in real life” (isn’t it all “real life” though? email, text messages, phone calls… all real). I make a note to myself to reach out to more of them, more often; time is short and the clock never ever stops ticking.

…Let’s not make that a grim thought, it’s just one of many truths upon which to build our perspective…

I woke once during the night from unpleasant dreams of loss and loneliness and disconnection and mourning. I didn’t stay sad, once I woke. I had reminders of love right there, welcoming me back to the safety and comfort of home. I said a silent thank you to my Traveling Partner for the glow objects he’s added to my space alongside the art I’ve wrought over the years that also helps ground me in my “now” when I wake from a bad dream.

A lotus votive holder and a reminder that I am loved, greet my wakefulness in the night.

I take a breath, exhale, and relax, letting the lingering recollection of my dreams fall away as I watch the sky turn from moody shades of morning blue to shades of gray that threaten more rain. It’s a new day, a new week, and it’s time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, grief, Healthy Living, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Moments, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, winter, women
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