Archives for posts with tag: relationships
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At a Loss for Words

April 18, 2013 //
1

Wow. Writing is a stunningly easy habit to break – which rather surprises me, having written almost compulsively, certainly nearly endlessly, for so very much of my life.  I haven’t painted in a while, either.  I find myself wanting to say something specific, comment on something I have on my mind, work things out on paper…and  yet…change happens. My brain ‘feels tired’. I’m a little…well, not quite…just on the edge of being overwhelmed by something that once would have seemed pretty routine.  Then, there’s the mindfulness practicing; the meditation and yoga, the reading, the mindful writing (that’s this, right here. lol)… it adds up. I feel pretty good most days.  I am more emotionally resilient, more content, more satisfied in my life – and I feel, quite subjectively, that my relationships are deeper, more harmonious, more…shared.  I hope my loved ones feel the same – or at least something similarly positive in their own experience.

…But…I don’t know what to say today. Or yesterday. Maybe tomorrow I will find words? So…today, some pictures.  I hope you find something to enjoy in my simple snapshots of things I have seen for the last few days that were enough to move me to pull out my camera phone. 😀

The view of the garden through my window.

The view of the garden through my window.

A peaceful meadow. I remember how easy it was as a kid to just flop down in the grass without reservtions.

A peaceful meadow. I remember how easy it was as a kid to just flop down in the grass without reservations.

Spring things breaking through the grass into the sunshine.

Spring things breaking through the grass into the sunshine.

Little meadow flowers.

Little meadow flowers.

Lovely flowers.

Lovely flowers.

A tempting path into the unknown.

A tempting path into the unknown.

Enjoy Thursday, enjoy the weekend – enjoy Life.

 

 

 

 

 

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Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Menopause, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Spring, Turning 50, women, Words

This Time It’s Personal…

April 15, 2013 //
2

…Or not.  I’m taking a day or two off writing. Not because there is nothing to say; it is more a matter of putting the emphasis on now, and being with my partners.

We’ve had a death in the family, you see, and honoring my loved ones, being there for each of them, all of us together and focused on individual and shared grief in an honest and supportive way doesn’t leave much room for musing about the flotsam and jetsam of my thoughts and experiences, however beneficial it is for me.  This is not the time for amusing anecdotes shared with the world, or fun amateur snapshots of flowers as I walk to work, at least, not for me. Life requires my utter attention for now, as do my loved ones, and when the heart’s tide turns, and the emotional storms settle back to calm waves, I’ll write… or perhaps find myself more moved to write at twilight than at dawn, for a while.

I will observe that I’ve been honored to see some amazing moments of strength, grace, compassion, and mutual support from my loved ones.  We’ve each brought who we are to the stress of sudden loss, and I find myself impressed and awed by these amazing beings that share my life; strong, caring, vulnerable, and willing to really give to one another in moments of incredible personal pain. I am wowed, moved, and incredibly honored to be part of this family we have chosen to create together.

For now, it’s a matter of work and routine, as we each ‘hold our end up’ and get on with the business of living our lives while we deal with pain and grief, holding on to what we know in the face of so much we can never know.  Tonight I’ll put birdseed out, and hang the hummingbird feeder, meditate, and perhaps read quietly or watch a show with my partners as evening turns to night.  One foot in front of the other…each night followed by another dawn. I’m ok…I think we all are…certainly we are well-loved, and supported by many.  Certainly love remains more important than death, at least for the living.

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Categories gardening, grief, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Perspective, Relationships, Spring, Words

Seeking Calm, Seeking Chill, Finding Strength

April 11, 2013 //
0

Today, it is my walk home last night that resonates with me in a lingering way.  This morning’s walk was lovely, too; still basking in the glow of Love, and attentively observing the sights of spring as I passed by: a hedge of delicate magnolia blossoms turning now to a stale brown as they fade, tiny azaleas unfolding magenta and lemon yellow, big bold rhododendrons of florid scarlet, clusters of sweet smelling shrubs of an unknown (to me) variety, and a seemingly endless number and kind of tiny birds, each with their own song to sing.

First peek at the garden on a spring morning

First peek at the garden on a spring morning

I have my own song to sing, too, and on my walk last night it was a surprise to find myself humming and sometimes even singing aloud.  Each day brings me some moments of finding this new place in myself…a center of calm and strength and wholeness I didn’t know I had within me.  This strong core inside myself seems untouched by momentary ups and downs, by the whims of circumstance, by the petty dramas, tides, and storms of my human experience.  My emotions come and go, sometimes hurting, sometimes surging with passion or delight, and still this core of strength inside myself seems calm and chill, not unmoved, but not involved.  Finding this place inside myself is giving me back some very precious things that I had lost somewhere/when along the way…the freedom to dance, to sing aloud, a feeling of height and power…and safety.  As if… I am my will.  <sigh> That probably doesn’t say what I am trying to say.  Too many, and not enough, words. 🙂

…exit, theme song playing in the background… 😀

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Categories Free Will, gardening, Healthy Living, Menopause, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Roses, Spring, Turning 50, women, Words

Brute Force Mindfulness

April 9, 2013 //
4

So…um…right… I am humbled in the face of my humanity, and admittedly ‘doing my best’ isn’t always…adequate? Suitable? Ideal? Perhaps not even functional. I am very human.  Not unexpectedly, practicing mindfulness throws me the occasional curve ball, or offers me an intellectual or cognitive challenge I didn’t anticipate.

A great morning to share a smile!

A great morning to share a smile!

Yesterday,  I took a walk on the wild side… ‘brute force mindfulness‘.  O.m.g… the humor of it buoys my general good spirits today, and I am still sort of scratching my head that the eventual outcome included a completely unexpected ‘thank you’ for ‘being there’… but I am not sure I was ‘being there’ the way I’d ideally like to be for people.  No fooling, I had hit a wall of frustration at one point that actually resulted in my yelling – literally yelling, in a rather unpleasantly commanding tone – directives that were borrowed directly from my mindfulness practices…but… how effective is it to shout orders to ‘Breathe!’ at someone who is losing their patience ?  Or to resort to angrily demanding that someone  ‘Be here!‘ when they seemed trapped in some other moment?  (That last was only a fragment of what I was moved to say, but the ludicrousness of shouting commands to be in some way more mindful got to me before I got more words out, and I forced myself to shut the hell up before I went further down the path of the ridiculous.)

Compassion wins out, this morning, and I accept that I was in enough pain last night to be pretty easily tested to my limits, even with people who matter to me a great deal.  I sure don’t feel like I was at my best for emotional resilience, respectfulness, or consideration – and as humorous as it still is that I snapped in that very odd way, I hope to build a lifetime of good skills and habits that allow me to bend as a reed in the wind, instead, and to be able to comfort rather than berate.  I’d throw the hormone card, but facing menopause on the horizon, that’s really too unpredictable to be certain, and this morning it sounds like a crutch or an excuse, more than a mitigating circumstance.

It’s still pretty funny. 😀

My quiet morning resulted in some whimsy about the whole thing, and I want to say simply this; I’m in an all or nothing place with mindfulness, tending my roses and my heart with care, showing myself and my loved ones mercy, and living the best way I know how.  If I have to, I know to tell haters to back up, and just keep practicing and taking care of me.  In the mean time, I’m going to give myself a chance to appreciate the humor of life, and lighten up a bit.  😀  It’s a lovely Tuesday…

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Categories Free Will, gardening, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Relationships, Roses, Spring, Turning 50, women, Words

Words About a Weekend

April 8, 2013 //
2
The words are not the experience...

The words are not the experience…

Strange weekend. Days of exploration, love, and practicing new things, of connecting with some more than others, of feeling distant pain (because sharing the burden is part of our human experience), of feeling pain close up (and finding myself no more able to help than I can when it is far away).  Mindful words and deeds when I could; practicing every day, but finding that however diligently I practice, the hormones will occasionally have their say – loudly. Still human. I checked.

An odd tangent… Since I was quite young, I’ve had a ‘theme song’ – a bit of tune that lingers in my head, sometimes playing in the background of my thoughts as I have my experience, often unnoticed, sometimes whistled or hummed. Care to guess? It’s a bit on the comical side… the theme music from ‘Dragnet‘ (the TV show). lol. No kidding. 😀  I think, this weekend, it changed.  It didn’t change to what I expected, though. I’d have bet on a simple Dave Matthews song, pure of heart, and strong, and great to sing out loud… ‘Dancing Nancies‘? ‘Gaucho‘? ‘Mercy‘? No, it isn’t any of those. lol.  Turns out it is ‘Lighten Up, Francis‘, a Puscifer track.  I’m not sure what to make of that, but it fits, and it feels right.

It is an amazing journey, but I am not sure what my destination will be.

It is an amazing journey, but I am not sure what my destination will be.

The morning was…different.  I slept well enough, I suppose, waking ahead of the alarm clock by many minutes, heart pounding, with an odd pain in my chest. Stress? Nightmares? Nothing I remembered on waking, nothing that launched into my consciousness when I had flipped on the light. I took my time and woke slowly and let a few deep calming breaths have time to gently sooth me before the physical feelings could morph into emotions of panic or dread.  The morning started well, but began to slide sideways very early, with the rising of my partners ahead of their usual routines, each for their own reasons.  All good; I enjoy the morning with my loved ones…but the morning seemed stressed and strange, and I did something new for myself to continue to enjoy the morning – I left for work early. lol. It just seemed the better choice today; enjoy a leisurely walk to the office, taking my time, and a new route, and giving my loved ones their own time and space to make of their day what they would.  It was nice to choose, to feel the choice as ‘well chosen’, to continue to enjoy my own experience with no strain or weirdness, and to feel confident that we’d all make our own way and do our best with things.

The walk this morning was lovely. No phone. No camera. No anxiety. I turned all that off.  I walked and listened to birds, smelled flowers, heard sounds of all sorts, and felt the soft spring air chill my skin with dawn’s drizzle (it wasn’t enough to call it ‘rain’).  I felt the snugness and heard the ‘shff-shff’ of new jeans as I walked; I’m down another size, and it feels good to be closer to my goal.  I have eager hopes that this evening will be sweet and calm, filled with laughter and kind words; it may not go that way, and I’ve no firm expectations on it, but it’s so nice to feel hopeful and eager, rather than anxious and nauseated from stress, which for many years I would have considered a better than average state of being.

I count the weekend as a good one, small stresses notwithstanding, and I am not deterred from continuing to practice mindfulness in life, even where emotions like grief, anger, or frustration are concerned.  I’m certainly pleased with the results of applying mindfulness to my hormonal experience…that felt like a win, for sure. One thing I really yearn for is the ability to share what I’m learning more easily with those I love when they are having their own challenges…alas, “I am only an egg.”  Maybe someday…

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Spring, Turning 50, women, Words
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