Archives for posts with tag: timing

This morning’s commute was certainly… something. I left early and beat almost all the traffic. Easy commute, eh? Well… no. Life is still handing out lessons. LOL

I pulled into the drive-through of the local branded coffee vendor before heading out of town. Oh. Shit. I left enough earlier that they aren’t even open yet (although it must have been pretty close … all their lights were on, including the menu board). Okay, no problem, I head on up the road figuring I’d stop at the next one.

…Also closed. No problem…? I guess I’ll try the next one… I mean, there are various coffee places every couple of miles on this route – how hard can it be to get a cup of coffee on the way to work? 😀 It’ll continue to get later as I drive, so… sooner or later, everyone will be open, right? Right…

…Also closed…

…Also closed…

Fucking hell. I feel myself start to get frustrated as I try one more time (with a promise to myself to just give up on this bullshit and pour a cup at work)…

Coffee. Mmmmm. Finally. So good.

…the fuck is up with this parking lot flow, though? … g’damn… am I lost now?? For fucks sake.

…It takes me a minute to get turned around the correct direction in their weird parking lot (which is shared with two fast food places with interlaced drive-throughs)…

Finally heading up the road to the office. Traffic still pleasantly light, and I make good time getting to the city. The city is dark and quiet and I quickly get to my usual parking location. “Lot Full”. Are you kidding me?? I can’t tell from the signage if this is really the situation…or if they just “aren’t open yet”… I look behind me figuring I’ll back out and park elsewhere… but now there’s truck behind me, and a car behind him… fuuuuuuuuck.

…Eventually, we get it sorted out. One of the vehicles behind me pulls to the side (he clearly plans to wait for… something?), and the other backs out. I back out too. The other guy pulls back in next to the ticket machine, and starts his wait. lol I circle the block and go to the next closest parking lot near the office. It’s unfamiliar to me and I feel a bit “thrown off” by my crap-tacular timing this morning. It is what it is. Knowing my limitations as I do, I snap a picture of the location of my parked car, and another outside the door to the elevator – these will help me find my car when I inevitably forget (at the end of a busy work day) where the hell I parked.

I’m a block further from the office than usual, as I walk down the sidewalk. I’m not stressed about that – it’s just a few extra steps – but the morning has been a weird one so far. Still is. There is not a single soul visible anywhere (which is a bit strange even at this early hour). The city is spooky quiet, hushed, muted, and I feel apprehensively as if there are invisible watchers behind every window.

It’s fine. I’m fine. Just a weird morning. My timing is so far off it seems to color my entire experience.

As I walk past the entrance of my usual parking lot I see the vehicle door is now open. (Omfg… for real? I was basically 5 minutes early, and just too impatient to wait?? Fucking hell… This day, though.) I laugh at myself and keep on walking. (No, I am not going back to the car to repark it; that version of me doesn’t really exist now. Mostly.)

I badge into the office… and the elevator drops me on the wrong floor. 0_o

I forgot my half-finished coffee in the car.

I grab a can of iced coffee (“nitro cold brew”) from the break room refrigerator, set up my workstation…

…and begin again.

Autumn is coming. I can feel it as my morning routine shifts and changes with approaching colder weather. Funny to say that, the morning after a 90 degree day, but I feel it. I feel a little slower this morning. My bones ache where arthritis has already settled in. I feel stiff and tired, and lingering in the shower, while refreshing, did nothing to improve my range of motion this morning. My head ‘feels foggy’ too, as though my body woke without letting my mind know. My latte tastes wonderful, and feels necessary. The sky is still dark, although I’ve been up now for nearly an hour. So, this morning, a slower start.

I’ve started playing SuperBetter. (Wow, that seems completely off topic, somehow…) I’m not sure what else to say about that. It seemed worth commenting on at the moment I brought it up, but I am still a bit groggy from staying up later than I usually do… and now I don’t recall why I mentioned it. lol. It’s a cool game, though, that brings self-work into the gaming arena.  I’m finding that it makes staying focused on improvement, growth, and change feel fun and rewarding, where so often it can feel a bit isolating and frustrating [for me].

Anyway… another work day. Another day for love, Love, and romance. Another day. By itself, that’s enough most of the time, isn’t it? 🙂

Oh, right… it’s September 11th.  I’m American. I could say something about that, but my opinion, once heard, can’t be unheard – and often my opinion on such matters is less well received than I expect it to be. lol. Why trouble you with it now? We can talk about it tomorrow, or the next day, or perhaps sometimes when it seems harmlessly apropos. Today, pundits will fill the airwaves with their opinions, and some portion of the world will listen, and repeat it as original thought, or nod along as to the beat of music no one else can hear, and everyone will go on with their day satisfied with themselves, and feeling righteous, patriotic, and justified.  I don’t know how much of that is really a good thing… I dislike knee-jerk patriotism. (When people dance like puppets, I’m pretty sure there’s someone pulling the strings.)  Suffice it to say that I don’t find violence as a political solution any more effective, appropriate, or acceptable than it is as a relationship building tool for individuals.

"9-11" 2001

“9-11” 2001

Enough about that. How are you, today?  Do you find that your peers, friends, and loved ones respect you and treat you with consideration, compassion, and affection? Have you found the balance between life and work that fulfills you, and provides you with adequate resources to pursue your passions in life? Do you feel ‘successful’? Did you wake up eager to face a new day, with a smile, or a song in your heart? Were the first words you heard today words of encouragement and love? Are you ‘happy’? Are you content? Is your relationship with yourself more about delight… or criticism? Do you have a plan? Do you have a Plan B?

Sometimes there is real value in slowing myself down for a moment, and letting my brain catch up with the rest of me. The unanswerable questions about you, out there, somewhere else in the world, enjoying the dawn, or sleeping through it, do that for me nicely. Thanks for ‘being there’ for me. 😀  I pose these questions relevant to you, but of course they are also questions to answer about myself, aren’t they? (Nice one, Brain, way to sneak in some quality introspection. lol)

This sort of chaotic mental wandering is what happens when I write before I’m quite awake. lol.  This morning I’ll have a second latte before I head to work, and take a few moments alone, content, and serene as the dawn unfolds.

I have a strange relationship with Time. It begins in the morning of every new day, when I wake before my alarm goes off. I set it for 5am, but it rarely has a chance to go off, I usually wake minutes or seconds in advance, and shut it off. 4:58 am, 4:52 am, 4:46 am; never even a moment after 5am, even when my alarm is turned off for the weekend. Strangely, I don’t rely on that, and failing to be certain my alarm is set and turned on generally results in a night of restless sleep, waking again and again to check the time. I don’t set my alarm for an increment of time that isn’t on the hour, the half hour, or more rarely the quarter-hour. It seems pretty arbitrary and more a matter of habit or tradition than any rational choice about an ideal moment to wake.

Isn’t Time rather arbitrary, anyway? I mean, the math bits and science bits are certain to be important to someone, somewhere…but, my subjective experience with Time often finds me winding my way back to ‘why do I put myself through this when it seems so…imaginary?’ I don’t have a comfortable experience with Time. I rush myself, too often. I pile expectations of punctuality on my demands of myself that result in bitter emotional battles with myself, or others, over some occasion of minor lateness – in the face of a lifetime of time-based brutality directed at myself. I’m rarely late by my own actions; it freaks me out. When circumstances or people ‘make me late’ I’ve been known to unleash an amount of emotion and temper that is most easily described as ‘desperate and enraged’ – an unpleasant combination. I’m sure the origins of my troubled relationship with Time is lost in the darkness of ancient pain, and a lovely Sunday doesn’t yield to further exploration. Not right now, when I’m having such a good time. 🙂

This morning I was thinking about alarm clocks, agendas, and time and those thoughts resurfaced later while I was meditating. I suddenly felt so aware of something I’ve fought for so long… the only time I really benefit from concerning myself with is…now.  Well, hell… I have time for that. 😉

...some metaphor about time...

…some metaphor about time…