The alarm went off, and through the surreal sludge of dream leftovers I reached out and shut it off. I stood in the hot water of my morning shower contentedly, and for some time without real purpose, willing to take my time and enjoy the simple pleasure of the moment. I made an Americano, and changed my mind about it, splashing soy milk in it as an after thought as I headed off to meditate, and do yoga. My morning feels ‘out of sequence’ but not disordered. The day begins quietly.

I catch myself, moments later, just sitting here in silence, letting words pass through my consciousness, sipping my coffee. The weekend was productive, but in other respects left me speechless and discontent. I got a lot done, but never quite crossed the strange gulf I perceived between myself and any secure connection with another. I went to bed last night still feeling it, as one might a loose tooth, poking at it with my awareness out of curiosity and concern, and wondering important things like ‘what the hell?’ and ‘what do I do with this?’. Sleep caught up with me before any answers did.

A goal, a dream, a chance, a yearning; perspective still ends up being a very useful tool.

A goal, a dream, a chance, a yearning; perspective still ends up being a very useful tool.

This morning I sip my coffee and observe the vague sense of dueling internal states: one fairly positive, hopeful, and ready to act, and the other with a more negative perspective, rooted in a lifetime of experience with frustration and pain. The tension between the two creates a weird sort of balance; knowing that this ‘balance’ is built on the tension between incompatible emotion states, though, finds me wanting very much to loosen the grip on my heart that the negative one still has, like a parent gently and firmly opening the clenched fist of a distressed child to find the source of the commotion hidden within. I am still practicing the practices that have brought me so far; I take time, too, to linger on the weekend moments that were soulful, pleasant, filled with love, and representative of where I am headed with my heart and my relationships, reinforcing those powerfully good simple experiences in my consciousness. There are things to say, questions to ask, in due time; all that can wait, while I enjoy ‘now’.

Today I am taking care of me, and taking care with my  heart. I am making room for my emotional experience, and finding contentment in this simple lovely moment of morning stillness. For now, it’s enough. Life’s curriculum has a lot to teach, in calm moments as much as any other. Today is a good day to learn what the world has to teach me.