Archives for posts with tag: crossing the gulf

I slept poorly. I slept very little. I woke to the alarm, set for the latest acceptable time to wake before a work day. I made coffee…

…Pretty much all down hill from there, so far. “It is what it is.” I’m in pain. I’m slowed way down with fatigue. I’m cross… with pretty much the world, and everything in it. I’m easily frustrated. Easily angered.

…Did I mention the crossness?

I sat down to work with zero enthusiasm. It’s a very human experience. I’m glad the week is at its end; I’m over it, for sure.

Nothing much sounds any good right now. No solutions that I could consider seem worth considering. If it were solely my own choice, I’d log into a video game and kill monsters for a while, because honestly, that’s what I want to do more than anything else right now; kill monsters. Monster-slaying being generally discouraged “in real life” (most particularly considering by far the vast majority of the monsters most of us face will be in human form, and that would be murder, which is totally not allowed), video games are the near-at-hand proxy.

…I’ve got work…

Yeah. So. I’m in a shit mood, and I’m in pain, and I’d very much like to be left entirely alone right now. The world intrudes. Every minute I have to interact with another person, right now, is an irritant. I’d just fucking go back to bed, if that were an option. Hell, I don’t even want to be around me, right now. Not fun. Less than my ideal best self, for real, y’all.

Work is work. I remind myself I get paid for being a reasonable facsimile of my most professional “best self” for the purposes of completing the work day (and week). I eye my calendar with distaste. Meetings. With people. I look them over with care. Who am I having to meet with? Can it be rescheduled without consequences that ripple into the weeks ahead? Can the underlying need be met without having a meeting at all? Was I invited to meetings I don’t need to be part of? Are there optional meetings that I can simply opt out of without concern? I reschedule what I can. I opt out of those that I don’t need to be part of or have no obligations to. The day still looks unpleasantly full. I frown at my calendar. I frown at my coffee. I frown at the shade still drawn, obscuring the sky beyond the window.

I sip my cold coffee, and allow work to distract me from being pissed off about having to work “on such a completely shit day” (it isn’t, actually). I take a deep breath with each new interaction with a colleague, making a point of being “pleasantly neutral” as much as I can be, seeking to avoid reactions that become over-reactions. Bad moods can be “contagious”. I’d like to avoid sharing this around.

My head aches with fighting off tears; there is no room on my calendar for crying, today. My back aches from the general nuisances of aging, and my arthritis. My cold coffee is gone. Finished. Consumed. I’d like to have another, but don’t really want to interact with my Traveling Partner. (Yep, I’m in that shitty of a mood, this morning, and disinclined to “make shit worse”.) I’ve forgotten my water bottle, too. So… it’s just me and the work in front of me, in this quiet room, alone.

…Looks like I’ll just have to begin again…

The alarm went off, and through the surreal sludge of dream leftovers I reached out and shut it off. I stood in the hot water of my morning shower contentedly, and for some time without real purpose, willing to take my time and enjoy the simple pleasure of the moment. I made an Americano, and changed my mind about it, splashing soy milk in it as an after thought as I headed off to meditate, and do yoga. My morning feels ‘out of sequence’ but not disordered. The day begins quietly.

I catch myself, moments later, just sitting here in silence, letting words pass through my consciousness, sipping my coffee. The weekend was productive, but in other respects left me speechless and discontent. I got a lot done, but never quite crossed the strange gulf I perceived between myself and any secure connection with another. I went to bed last night still feeling it, as one might a loose tooth, poking at it with my awareness out of curiosity and concern, and wondering important things like ‘what the hell?’ and ‘what do I do with this?’. Sleep caught up with me before any answers did.

A goal, a dream, a chance, a yearning; perspective still ends up being a very useful tool.

A goal, a dream, a chance, a yearning; perspective still ends up being a very useful tool.

This morning I sip my coffee and observe the vague sense of dueling internal states: one fairly positive, hopeful, and ready to act, and the other with a more negative perspective, rooted in a lifetime of experience with frustration and pain. The tension between the two creates a weird sort of balance; knowing that this ‘balance’ is built on the tension between incompatible emotion states, though, finds me wanting very much to loosen the grip on my heart that the negative one still has, like a parent gently and firmly opening the clenched fist of a distressed child to find the source of the commotion hidden within. I am still practicing the practices that have brought me so far; I take time, too, to linger on the weekend moments that were soulful, pleasant, filled with love, and representative of where I am headed with my heart and my relationships, reinforcing those powerfully good simple experiences in my consciousness. There are things to say, questions to ask, in due time; all that can wait, while I enjoy ‘now’.

Today I am taking care of me, and taking care with my  heart. I am making room for my emotional experience, and finding contentment in this simple lovely moment of morning stillness. For now, it’s enough. Life’s curriculum has a lot to teach, in calm moments as much as any other. Today is a good day to learn what the world has to teach me.