So hey, someone one that colossal PowerBall jackpot… Well, of course. Probably wasn’t you. Definitely wasn’t me – I didn’t buy a ticket. I could have, I suppose, in the spirit of ‘Can’t win if you don’t play!’ On the other hand, I am also not out the money spent on the ticket, which I’ll contentedly spend at some future time on something I need.

The PowerBall jackpot just kept growing, and people were getting so excited about it that for some short time their day-to-day fears and insecurity were drowned out by the eagerness to escape their lives in a moment of good fortune. I’ve been there…daydreaming about how I might spend the money, what the moment of realization would feel like, how life would change…earnestly wishing for more, different, or ‘better’, and forgetting entirely that I can have ‘more’, ‘different’, and ‘better’ – yes even that – by using some verbs, and letting time take its course. There are choices – and a lot of useful verbs.

I’m not criticizing you if you bought a PowerBall ticket, let’s be clear with each other; I have bought my share in years past. I even used to have rules for how and when I would do so, and which included, very specifically, just buying just one. I was fortunate when very young to see the impact on a family when a family member compulsively buys up lottery tickets with the grocery money – as with any other damaging compulsion, the outcome isn’t pretty, and I have avoided that behavior, aware that the odds of winning are such that those behaviors do not realistically improve the odds of winning a jackpot. My focus in recent years on sufficiency and emotional self-sufficiency just tend to turn my attention away from ‘instant win’ schemes, generally. I wish the winners well, and hope that each of them were the sort of folk who will both benefit from, and truly appreciate, the opportunity they now have to change their lives. That’s really the bigger deal isn’t it? 🙂

It is a quiet morning, and I feel a little as if I am a ‘blank page’, a clean whiteboard, or an empty day in a generally crowded day planner. It is not a bad feeling. It’s also not a particularly good one. I feel… ready? Available. I am not ‘waiting’ – nor am I acting on plans. I sip my coffee aware of the world, aware of the quiet space wrapped around me, and aware of this strangely timeless moment. I am aware of the clock ticking, and the distant sound of traffic outside these walls. I consider the state of my pantry; declining as I use things up and don’t quickly replace them. I consider my tidy habits, and calmly anticipate the tasks I plan to handle after work tonight (it is too noisy to vacuum at 5:30 am). I breathe. I live. I have enough.

Clearly sufficiency is still on my mind. I find myself wanting so badly to reach back in time, and have an earnest conversation with the woman in the mirror as long ago as 1995 or so, and talk about ‘sufficiency’, particularly emotional self-sufficiency, and talk about why it so quickly feels like there isn’t ‘enough’, when I squander what I have foolishly, or thoughtlessly. I want to point out her 10 or more $5 coffees every week in the 00’s, eagerly consumed morning and night – while struggling to make ends meet and putting a partner through college on wages that most definitely didn’t feel like ‘enough’ to begin with. I want to show her how her fears are preventing her from managing her challenges with greater skill. I want to talk to her about love, loving, and taking care of herself. I want to tell her not to wait to make the changes that will turn things around for her…but she can’t hear me from ‘now’. I smile, realizing that it’s enough that I eventually did make some good changes, woke up to some important [for me] ideas, and did eventually embrace the values that find me here, now… There’s more ahead of me, more challenges tackle, more problems to solve, more eagerness, more loss, more verbs… because the journey is the destination, and there are more opportunities to choose, to practice, and to learn.

Practice the practices that take you closer to being the human being you most want to be.

Practice the practices that take you closer to being the human being you most want to be.

Today I will practice the practices that take me ever-closer to being the woman I most want to be. It’s enough.