Archives for the month of: June, 2023

I crashed fairly late last night after a noisy final dinner with colleagues at an excellent local Mexican restaurant. It was a bit “fancy”. A lot noisy. The conversations were lively. The mood was merry. I returned to the hotel still “vibrating” on that frequency and needed to take some quiet time on the patio in the moonlight, with my feet up. I connected with my Traveling Partner. I am eager to return home. He is eager to see me again.

A flower in the desert.

The team spa day, yesterday, was lovely and relaxed. I got an excellent massage. By the end of the day I noticed my feet and ankles were fairly swollen. It’s mostly the heat. In spite of drinking ample water (like for real)(a lot), I felt uncomfortably… puffy. It’s the heat, here. I had the same issue in other hot places, and I’m certain after seeing a new doctor that my various health concerns are likely related – or aggravating each other. I sat outside by the pool after dinner for some little while; it was the most comfortable place to sit with my feet up, sufficiently elevated to be really helpful. I put my ankle brace on my left ankle. I drank more water.

I crashed fairly late (for me), around 11:30 pm. I slept fairly well… until 02:52 am. I don’t know what woke me. The night was quiet. The room was dark. I got up to pee, but there was no urgency in doing so. I returned to bed and spent an hour or so adjusting the pillows as if I were going to return to sleep – I really wanted to. I even felt sleepy, but it just wasn’t happening. My mind was grinding through all the conversations of the week, over-thinking this and that, reflecting on some positives, and feeling irked about some shit that vexed me, while also making a point to let it go. And then let it go, again.

I finally got up at 04:30, finished my packing and laid out my clothes. I made coffee. Opened a can of cold fizzy water. Pulled my laptop back out of my “rolling office” bag and sat down to write and reflect, waiting for the dawn, and considering what to do about my last breakfast here… go back to that excellent breakfast restaurant…? Can I make the timing work and not miss my flight…? The restaurant doesn’t open until 08:00… my flight doesn’t leave until 11:15… the airport is only 2.4 miles from the restaurant…but… it doesn’t at all seem the sort of place one would drag luggage to, so I’d be having to return to the hotel, then go to the airport… I find myself working backward from my departure time, and mentally calculating how long I’d likely be having breakfast. I find myself feeling fairly certain I’d have an entire hour for breakfast, then wondering how long it took me the other day, the morning I enjoyed breakfast on my own. Looks like I spent almost exactly one hour at breakfast that morning… Feeling certain I could, if I wish, I let it go for now; I can decide later. It’s still very early.

I’m ready to go home.

I’m also ready for breakfast. LOL

…I’m less than ideally ready for morning, somehow. I’ll no doubt feel better after a cool shower (it is, after all, the fucking desert here). I drink my coffee and my water, and get ready to begin again.

I am sleepy. Night has settled in. I am up later than most nights. This is quiet time of another sort. Soon I will (most likely) sleep. Will I wake restless, later? I don’t know. Will I struggle to find sleep in the first place? It doesn’t seem likely to be the case, but it’s possible. It wouldn’t even be uncommon. I have challenges with getting sufficient healthy restful sleep. (I type those words and a yawn splits my face and fills my eyes with tear drops that wet my lashes but don’t fall.) I contemplate a shower before bed to rinse off the sweat and sunscreen – it would feel lovely.

I notice a bug bite on the back of my hand and wonder “when did that happen?”, then also notice that the sun has warmed my skin with a bit of a glow, but has also made some irregularities in pigmentation a bit more obvious. Signs of aging. I smile and shrug it off as unimportant – or at least uninteresting. It’s been a hell of an interesting week, so far, and fussing over texture or pigmentation of my hands seems rather pointless, honestly. I find myself fighting sleep as I listen to music my Traveling Partner shared with me. The music is Dvořák. The featured cellist is Jacqueline du Pré. The year the video was recorded is listed as 1968. The music sounds familiar. Why wouldn’t it? It’s Dvořák. lol

The last notes die away and leave me with this quiet. It’s a lovely quite moment before I end the day with sleep. I am sleepy.

Tomorrow I can begin again.

I’m sipping some fizzy water in a cool, dimly lit, hotel room in the desert. The whole experience feels exotic and a tad surreal. At the moment, there is nothing at all “going on” – no planned activities, no agenda items, no dangling work… just… quiet. The stillness is filled only with the sound of the AC blowing softly, and my fingers dancing across the keyboard. For a moment it sounds almost like someone tap-dancing, just behind me. I breathe, exhale, relax, and consider for a moment whether I need pain medication, or would benefit from a cool shower, a nap, or perhaps wish to venture out into the sunshine.

…I smile understandingly at myself; it’s easy to run from the quiet times when I have them. It’s not a good practice, but it is easy. lol Another breathe. I pause to spend a few minutes on meditation.

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I stretch, reaching for the ceiling, and then for the floor, as I get up from my cushion, after some minutes of meditation. I sit back down at this keyboard to reflect and to share, before the afternoon grows later.

The weather here is hot, dry, and breezy. The sun blasts the mountains and ground between them. It was already 75F by breakfast, and now it is 91F (and getting hotter) – it’s just past noon. The hotel staff smile when someone mentions the heat. We are enjoying – apparently – an unseasonal break from it (at these temperatures).

Palo Verde in bloom.

The signal strength and reliability of the hotel wi-fi connection isn’t great. My signal drops occasionally. This is not a great place to spend the day watching videos or movies, or doing anything at all that requires connectivity. What is a great place for are these quiet times. Sure, I could step out into the heat and dazzling sunshine reflected from the hotel pool. I don’t. I sit here quietly for some little while, soaking in the quiet. It’s such a rare thing (for me, most of the time) to find myself alone and embraced by stillness all around. I crave it. Seek it. Enjoy it. So… running from it, however easy, would just not be acceptable. We’ve got a work session planned for the afternoon, and soon enough it’ll be time to make my way to the co-work space we’ve reserved for the purpose. Soon enough. For now, there’s all this lovely quiet time to enjoy…

…Later will be soon enough to begin again.

I’m sipping a surprisingly good cup of hotel room coffee, alternating with drinks of water – this is the desert. Drinking water becomes self-care priority one. The coffee is warm, not hot – I made it before I took my not-quite-cold shower. I pause for a moment to consider how my preferences changed, moving from one climate to another.

…Good coffee…

The changes in my medications seem to be serving me well here in the desert. I rather expected to puff up like a marshmallow in a vacuum chamber, the way I often do in very hot places. Not this time (so far). I wonder which medication is responsible, but since I honestly don’t actually know if it is one or a combination, or even simply having “things in better balance” just generally, my thoughts go nowhere. I let them go, and continue to sip my coffee.

It seems the sort of place where the sun itself might choose to vacation.

The sun has come up. I slept well and deeply. Occasional noise from traffic did not disturb my rest, nor were sounds of other guests intrusive (or even noticeable). The staff here is friendly and accommodating, the amenities are good. My colleagues are a merry band of amazing individuals. So far it’s a good time.

…It’s expected to get above 100F today (about 38C). It’s already 78F (about 26C). It’s not at all unpleasant, and there is a cool morning breeze. My bare feet feel quite wonderful on the tile floor. My now lukewarm coffee is still quite satisfying (funny how the quality of the coffee matters so much). The water in my glass is cold and refreshing.

Soon, breakfast with my colleagues. Then… on to other things. I breathe, exhale, relax, feeling centered and content with the moment as it is. It’s lovely.

…It’s also time to begin again.

…I am sitting in the airport, in Oakland, waiting on the second leg of a flight to a destination away from the peace and safety of home. I miss my Traveling Partner already, after a wonderfully playful romantic weekend of love and deep connection. Seems weird to leave at all…

…It’s a “work thing”. I could potentially resent the rather poor timing, but feeling so thoroughly infused with love through and through, I suppose there’s no “good time” to be away. lol

My point is, though, simply that I am away. My writing is likely to be fairly irregular… I do expect to write. Prolonged interactions with people are exceedingly stressful for me, and I won’t easily be able to control and limit these. A learning opportunity. Plenty to practice.

This trip has me focused on listening more than I talk… wish me luck! I expect my results may vary… 😉