I’m waiting for the sun, or at least daybreak. Enough light to make out the trail so I can get started on my walk this morning, would be enough, actually. I woke earlier than necessary and also failed to get up and out the door without waking my Traveling Partner. Shit. Well, I did try.
I woke with a headache and feeling rather… cross? Gloomy? Pointlessly aggravated for no reason. I refuse to capitulate to my relatively crappy mood, since it fails every reality check. There’s nothing amiss and it’s a lovely morning in every respect, aside from my mood. Emotional weather. It’ll pass, like any rain shower.
… I know my mood will improve after a walk along the marsh, and down the path past the river, listening to the birds and breezes. My Traveling Partner pings me to share a video, bringing a smile to my face. I feel loved and this headache doesn’t change that.
I watch the sky begin to lighten with a sliver of dawn down low against the horizon, silhouetting Mt Hood in the distance. I breathe, exhale, and relax. It’s almost time to begin again.
I’m drinking water and preparing for dropping by the lab to provide a sample. My day was planned around medical stuff – mine and my Traveling Partner’s – and… I screwed up. I mean, not huge, but… I guess stupid finds us all, eventually. I somehow had managed to convince myself (like, a lifetime ago) that a fasting blood draw would nonetheless allow for, you know, morning coffee. For fucks’ sake, right? My Traveling Partner was kind about it, when he woke to the smell of coffee to find me contentedly sipping a very excellent cup of coffee first thing and expecting to go do the lab work. LOL Damn it. He patiently shared an article with me reinforcing his certainty that having coffee was a no-go. I admitted with some embarrassment that I had (literally)(my entire adult life) always gone ahead and had (black) coffee even on days when I had to do a fasting blood draw for some reason. LOL Omg.
…Make no mistake, stupid catches up with us all, eventually…
So, yeah. I pivoted to a more or less ordinary work day, with a plan to just do the urinalysis sample on my way home (it doesn’t seem smart to wait on what can be done today). I managed to sit down to a relatively full inbox and plenty to do, and managed to knock it out pretty quickly… as though I hadn’t just screwed up my entire actual plan. The plan is not the experience. The map is not the world. I began again, and here I am. It’s a pleasant day in spite of the bit of chaos I managed to add to it. 😀
I take a breath and exhale. I woke with this headache, and I wish that weren’t a part of the day, but it is and I’m dealing with it. I schedule first one new medical appointment and then another – either or both could be relevant to the headache, whose constant companionship I will not miss when it’s gone. I laugh at myself for feeling “so grownup” to be taking steps. Overdue.
I sigh and finish my bottle of water. It’s already time to begin again.
I’m groggy. I slept less than ideally well. The commute into the office was… fine. Traffic was heavy, and seemed peculiarly fast. I felt like I was running late (I wasn’t) and my timing even now feels a bit “off”. It’s less than ideal, just generally. I feel mostly comfortable in my skin, although I’m having to work to manage the pain I’m in this morning. It’s okay. It could be worse. My Traveling Partner woke me around 2:00 a.m., annoyed to be awake and letting me know that. I admit it, I was aggravated about being awakened (particularly since I wasn’t having the best night as it was, myself), but he was a super sweetheart 100% after that moment of annoyance, and it was lovely to see him before I left for work. The annoying moment and being awakened at 2:00 a.m. was less than ideal… but… in the grander scheme of things, it doesn’t amount to much.
…It’s just that kind of day…
Life is a funny mix of ups and downs, trauma and achievement, healing and hurting, convenience and inconvenience, ease and difficulty… and a day or moment that is “less than ideal” may still be pretty fucking fantastic in most regards, and surely isn’t “bad”. It’s pretty easy to overlook where “less than ideal” actually fits on a curve… think about it. “Less than ideal” is basically everything that isn’t “ideal” a characteristic that can be applied to damned few things. “Ideal” is perhaps not quite “perfect” (and nothing actually is, although some things may seem to get close)…so… “less than ideal”? Yeah, very little of that is going to actually be “bad”. Mostly it’ll end up being pretty fine, and generally okay. Something to think about. Perspective is funny that way.
…I’m still super groggy…
I sip my coffee sort of dragging myself through the morning. I look at my to-do list for today, and I’m surprised that I’ve knocked off easily a third of what I had planned for today, and I’ve only been at it a couple hours. The plan is not the experience. The map is not the world. The “less than ideal” sense of things is not an indication of success or failure – it’s just a feeling. 😀
I guess I’ll make another cup of coffee and begin again.
This morning I am sipping my coffee contentedly, and watching daybreak become morning. No sunrise this morning. There’s a massive dark gray storm cloud blotting out the sky to the east, so dark that it almost appears that the sun must be rising from the west – the sky is that much lighter in that direction. Doesn’t change the quality of this cup of coffee. Doesn’t affect my mood, or the tasks ahead of me today. It is what it is. I’m okay with it; I am safe and comfortable and warm – and I’ve got this cup of coffee.
I woke easily, and a little early, and my commute was fine. Traffic was no heavier than any other day, and it was moving right along. I often felt as if I were the slowest thing on the road, which is not my usual experience, and I found myself checking my speedometer often, just to verify I was indeed going at least the speed limit. lol Strange morning. Nothing wrong with it – it just is.
Nothing about this morning is so strange that it’s worth commenting on, really. Ordinary morning. It’s pretty easy to “just let it be what it is” on a morning like this. I love these sorts of mornings; they give me a chance to practice some practices in a “safe context” with few challenges, which tends to make them feel more natural on days when I really need them most. Practicing “letting things be what they are” (non-attachment) and not taking things personally are practices that have a lot of value for me, but if I’m stressed to my breaking point, or feeling traumatized, they can be so much more difficult. It’s good to have plenty of practice, because when these become “skills” and “habits” as much as they are “practices”, then, when I need them most, they just are.
I sip my coffee. I breathe, exhale, relax, and consider the moment. I’m grateful for the quiet. Appreciative of the ease. I watch the dark gray storm clouds move over the city, slowly. It may rain. I’m okay with that, too. It is what it is. A little rain can’t stop me from beginning again. 😀
My commute into the city this morning was pleasant and uneventful. I got gas. Got coffee. Arrived at the office a bit early – and that proved to have real value, since I’d managed to forget to slip my office fob and key into my coat pocket on my way out of the house! I didn’t lose my head over it – it wasn’t even a particularly stressful moment; I had the presence of mind to think to check with the building concierge and was able to check out a key and fob temporarily, to let myself in. (Being first on site has its downsides. lol) Turned out to be just as unremarkable as it sounds.
I sat down to my computer and skimmed my email, and Slack notifications, and answered the most time-sensitive items straight away, then went to make coffee – only to discover that the weekend cleaning crew had jammed the door on the coffee machine, so… no fancy machine-made coffee this morning. I’m drinking instant. LOL I’m not too proud for that, and hey, it reminds me how fortunate I truly am, so I sip my instant coffee quite contentedly as I catch up on emails and whatnot that piled up over the days I was out of the office. Easy. Routine. Within minutes I’m sufficiently caught up for the day to feel like an absolutely ordinary Monday. Win.
It’s hard to measure the impact of anxiety on a day that begins with “catching up” after being out of the office. I can remember a time when my unmanaged anxiety would have had me spun up before I ever sat down to look over my email, and prone to reactively responding without thoroughly reviewing whole threads to see what had already been well-supported, eventually spending some notable portion of an entire week aggressively pounding out replies to things via email that might have been better handled (and more skillfully) after a moment of real consideration, and maybe a pause to reflect, instead of churning out new replies to haphazard earlier replies, and breathlessly dashing from meeting to meeting feeling like I was on the edge of losing my mind. That’s no way to live (or work), and certainly tends to undermine any restorative restful recreational hours that had preceded the shitstorm of “catching up”. It can be done more gently, and with greater presence and thoughtfulness. 😀 So… that’s what I do now. lol
It took me about an hour to fully catch up from taking a long weekend. Not too bad. I end the hour with a thorough understanding of what I missed while I was out, and what new action items are on my plate. My time is planned. My work feels supported. I know where I need to put my attention, now. This feels pretty comfortable.
…And all that in an hour after a long weekend…
The weekend was lovely and restful. The homecoming was comfortable, and warm, and welcoming, and I feel very loved (I hope my Traveling Partner does, too). I’m looking forward to ending the work day and maybe cooking up a stir fry after work, or some other properly home-cooked healthy meal. I feel refreshed and restored, and full of energy (at least for now, at the start of the work day). I sip my coffee and smile, hoping my Traveling Partner is getting the rest he needs.
The sun rises on a gray rainy day. The sky lightens to a soft featureless pale gray, and rain spatters the office windows. “Nothing to see here.” I think to myself. I sigh and think back to the sea breezes and waves, and the gulls floating on the air currents just beyond the balcony. It already seems “so long ago”. I laugh at my mortal foolishness, and begin again.
Evening Light 