Archives for category: gardening

Still counting down, and I woke this morning acutely aware that in just two more days, I turn 50… ‘the end of the first half’. lol. This morning was a strange one. I spent it in solitary meditation watching wee fish swim, and in the greenhouse, watering seedlings, and in the rose garden quietly tending roses that got so little from me over the weekend. I sipped my coffee. Shared a wave and a smile with a neighbor in passing. Watched the dawn unfold to day, and went on in to work.

Work is… work. Today I am earning my living – and then some. Busy getting ahead, for a few days off to celebrate me.

There will likely never be a time in my life when it is appropriate to ‘share everything’ I’ve been through with any one other human being – and I’m not sure how many could withstand the tale without considerable heartbreak. Blech. Let’s not, shall we? Perhaps it is enough – and maybe all I ever truly needed – if I honor and respect my own experience, and value myself for having endured what I have, and managing to turn out decently well, over time, after a fashion, in spite of it all? I used to think I needed others to be understood, others to ‘feel heard’, others to feel supported and nurtured, to ‘make me happy’… but I’m not at all sure of any of that now. It seems quite possible that I needed to understand, myself, to hear my own words to respect my own heart, to treat my self with compassion. Certainly, now that I am learning to do so, and succeeding more often, and more consistently, much of what I felt I was missing turns out not to be missing at all – it’s simply best sought from within. 😀

I’m excited to be turning 50. To be ‘finishing the first half’. I’ve sort of muddled through it; had some wins, had some losses, some successes, some failures, some pain, some joy… I have some better notions of what to do with me now. I have a path. I have an experience. So…

Another lovely garden.

Another lovely garden.

What a lovely weekend. I’m rather hopelessly infatuated with my new aquarium, and Saturday the first fish moved in to their new home. I’m delighted, awe-struck, and captivated. I’m distracted with joy. What an awesome birthday present, from my partners. Life. A tiny universe to nurture, care for, and observe; planned and assembled with great care and attention…

…in 3 days, I am 50.

I started this thinking I had more to say about it than that. I could talk about romance, relationship building, passion, love…or share some thoughts on things, or give credit where due, or perhaps say a long overdue thanks, or express a heartfelt sentiment, or…but here I sit, now. This lovely gentle now. This brilliant extraordinarily pleasant now. This one moment, right here. This one. I don’t know – suddenly I feel as if the one thing I want most to share here, which is now, isn’t something I can share in words, at all. The notion immediately robbed me of words. Maybe more words tomorrow? For me, for now, simply now will be enough.

Simple delight. Now. Enough.

Simple delight. Now. Enough.

My day started gently, easily, and of course – before my alarm went off. lol. It’s new to sleep so deeply, or it seems so. The trickling and bubbling of the aquarium in my bedroom seems to go a step beyond lulling me to sleep. As with rain on the roof or windows, it seems to ease the snarling of ancient demons, and my sleep is less disturbed. It’s quite lovely. I enjoy that first few minutes when the light comes on, seeing the tiny contained universe suddenly illuminated delights me every morning. I had initially hesitated to take on the additional complexity of a planted freshwater community, but wow I do love a garden!

Another garden to tend, to love, to rest in...

Another garden to tend, to love, to rest in…

Today is just 6 days to 50… and today feels very nice. Yesterday finished well, in the warm embrace of friendship and affection and laughter. The night was easy. The morning, chill.  I’m in a lot of pain today, but it seems as near to irrelevant to my experience as pain ever can be. Quite a nice day… I feel contented, and calm, and balanced.  My appreciation for this lovely ‘now’ is definitely enhanced by the recent more difficult days/moments…so, less to say and more to experience…

 

10…yesterday…and it was a good day. A day I experienced as ‘joyous’ and ‘busy’ and ‘delightful’. Yesterday I set up my aquarium – my birthday present from my loves. I’m so excited about it that sometimes I can’t contain my delight and it spills over onto everyone around me as words – a lot of words – chatter, really, like an excited child. I’m ok with that. It isn’t harmful. lol. I would take a million pictures of it, but honestly – it’s rocks and plants and a couple snails for now, and as excited as I am, I can admit there isn’t enough ‘going on’ to take more than a picture or two at this point. lol. I’m ok with that – so eager and excited I’d happily go home straight away, work half finished, and just sit watching the bubbles rise, and the snails creeping. 😀  Simple pleasures.

Excitement, adventure, and life...better than television.

Excitement, adventure, and life…better than television.

9…today…fatigue and hormones. A good morning, somehow rather ‘grown up’ and not particularly playful. I woke in a wonderful mood from a deep sleep, and not much inclined toward the serious side of life, but life doesn’t always inquire before she gets started on my day. <shrugs> I’m having a good day – but I feel fatigued to the point of wanting to ‘just lay down for a minute’…except I’m at work, and they frown on that sort of thing. LOL What am I missing? I slept, I managed my calories, I had my usual amount of caffeine at the usual intervals [=junkie, yes I know, as vices go, it is of no significance]…I’m just…so…tired…  Hormones more than likely. Shall we skip discussing that mess in a graphic way? Either you ‘get it’ and it is part of your direct or indirect experience, or you don’t. Maybe we can talk more when I’m alert – and hostile toward the world. I always find plenty to say about it then. lol. Should be another couple days… O_0

...and now for a change of topic...

…and now for a change of topic…

The garden is lovely – and we’ve added a greenhouse! I’ve wanted one for so long. My dear Granny had one, attached to a big big house out in the countryside – when she lived out in the countryside, with a house full of kids. I remember the smell of it, and the warmth that would soak into my bones right away, and the feeling that sunshine was somehow eternal under those glass panes. I remember her potting bench, the different sizes of terra cotta pots, and the soil and her trowel.  I remember her teaching me to re-use broken pottery – a broken pot makes a good toad house, and there were so many toads in the yard! I feel a momentary twinge of sadness as I realize how rarely I see a toad in the garden these days. Still, it is a lovely June, and my birthday is nine days away…there is life everywhere! The rose garden, full of blooms, the greenhouse with the tray of seedlings growing and becoming ready for pots, the aquarium and the gentle greenery shifting in the current, soon to be home to new creatures, more life…wow. Life. I’m glad I am here. I’m glad it is now.

"Circus Clown" in bloom.

“Circus Clown” in bloom.

"Graham Thomas" showing off next to an undefeatable root stock rose - there's a metaphor there, I'm sure...

“Graham Thomas” showing off next to an undefeatable root stock rose – there’s a metaphor there, I’m sure…

Not a rose at all! A lovely peony at the edge of the rose garden.

Not a rose at all! A lovely peony at the edge of the rose garden.

I want so much to believe she is "Splish-Splash" but I seriously doubt it...possibly "irresistible"? Well, sure...she's a rose.

I want so much to believe she is “Splish-Splash” but I seriously doubt it…possibly “irresistible”? Well, sure…she’s a rose.

Green, purple, sunshine, clouds...the garden; life.

Green, purple, sunshine, clouds…the garden; life.

50 in 9 days.

Wow. I dislike what ‘news’ has become.  Political corruption? Hardly news-worthy, it’s an everyday thing, and it will continue to be for as long as we elect corrupt or corruptible human beings to positions of power.  It would be nice if a politician had to accept that role with the clear contractual understanding that he or she could not ever personally profit from that role in a direct way, or if anyone in power were ever actually held accountable for what they themselves force the nation to endure by their decisions or actions.  This is not an article about politics, or news.   I found it profoundly adult to hear Angelina Jolie go public with her account of choosing a double mastectomy over her very high risk of aggressive breast cancer…and found myself dismayed and in some cases disgusted that anyone would choose to criticize her choice; it was hers to make. Period. It’s a shame that women without that level of income, or those resources, don’t have the opportunity, realistically, to make that choice themselves. This is not an article about breast cancer, or the limited health choices that women without means face, or feminist issues of gender-limited personal freedom and choice.  Not a day goes by that the news doesn’t have another story about rape, and equally heinously, another story about what women ‘can do to prevent being raped’; rape is prevented by people not committing non-consensual sexual acts against others, it isn’t more complicated than that. Don’t rape.  The news these days just isn’t worth reading most of the time.  Not because the information isn’t valuable, not because some of what is observed isn’t newsworthy, but because the presentation of so much information is tainted with bias of one sort or another to the point that it isn’t ‘information’ at all; it is marketing, propaganda, spin, color, or outright lies. ‘Fact-checking’ relies rather heavily on someone, somewhere, being able to tell the difference between fact and opinion. lol.

I’m frustrated by how easily my balance can be disturbed by the media. ‘News’ that is intended to distress, to frighten, to alarm, to ‘call to action’ rather than inform, advise, or enlighten isn’t ‘news’ at all – it is an attack on my consciousness. I avoid it. I ask friends to stop sending me links to things. Ah, but we all use Facebook, don’t we? Well, I still do – some very dear friends and loved ones use it as their primary form of communication, long distance.  It’s hard seeing some of the things people post. More and more of my friends use ‘trigger alerts’, which I value. I’m using them more, too.

28 days… one menstrual cycle away from being 50. lol.

Spring is still unfolding all around me. I love the walk to work in the mornings; strolling past each neighbor’s garden, seeing the flowers opening day by day, feeling the soft chill morning air against my skin, or perhaps a tender misty rain falling – like this morning.  I keep returning to my own garden, morning and evening, watering, watching, loving…

Kiss of Desire, kissed by a misty morning rain.

“Kiss of Desire”, kissed by a misty morning rain.

I love the colors of morning, and the surprises…

"Graham Thomas" blooms for the first time this year.

“Graham Thomas” blooms for the first time this year.

Last year we picked out some roses likely to do well in this garden. “Graham Thomas” was one, and already quite large and eager to take his place as master of the central flower bed.  I’m quite delighted, also, with “Ebb Tide”; covered with buds and blossoms of a rich deep purple.

"Ebb Tide" wowing me.

“Ebb Tide” wowing me.

Old favorites draw my eye, too, and I smile even thinking seeing “Baby Love” on the other end of my walk home tonight.  Selected with sentiment and love, she was the featured rose of my last garden, a much smaller space – too small for my grand plans. lol.

"Baby Love" will bloom like this through the year and well into November.

“Baby Love” will bloom like this through the year and well into November.

My garden is a sanctuary where ‘the news’ can’t reach me.  When I’m in my garden, I am in the moment, aware, engaged, and being on this extraordinary other level.  Still working on mindfulness practices I am hoping will one day be very natural in my experience, as natural as stepping into my garden.

A mystery rose.

A mystery rose.

…Life has a lot of lessons to share, a lot of mysteries to reveal. Perhaps one day I will find mindfulness an easy part of being, and figure out what that mystery rose is, or find the words to tell the world “You have no power over me.”

In the meantime, I meditate, practice mindfulness, consider my Big 5, learn better skills for taking care of me, and hope to ask the questions that reveal my own heart to me most clearly.  In between, I garden.  😀