Today I am grieving with distant family. This, too, is a very human experience, but today there will be no other words.
Archives for category: pain
I woke early this morning, ahead of the alarm clock by an hour or a bit more. It was an unexpectedly nice opportunity for connecting with a partner in the wee hours for a few precious minutes. Love doesn’t mind the clock.
The remainder of the morning, thus far, has been spent in meditation and study, quietly, gently, enjoying the stillness; except for that one bit when I whacked the back of my wrist against the corner of my desk somehow. Ouch. (It had that ‘blow to the funny bone’ feel to it.) This morning I have been contemplating the nature of time. I haven’t meant to, it’s just what my brain latched on to when I wrapped up meditation. You see, it’s been an incredibly chill and restorative weekend for me. The subjective feeling of it is even that it was ‘a long weekend’ of painting, hanging out, and some shared evening time with partners watching videos (science shows and Archer), although it has been the ordinary 2-day sort. It’s been quite delightful, and an extraordinary way to prepare for the very busy workweek to come.
This weekend I took care of me, and managed to meet most of my needs for myself. It’s been an exceptional taste of emotional self-sufficiency. Powerful. Something clicked recently, and I’m enjoying the outcome of that. I hope, and intend, to continue to invest in the practices, choices, and changes that are proving to be such a powerful win for me over time.
“Summer Afternoon” and a lovely weekend to paint.
I spent much of the weekend painting. It is a whole different magnitude of change in quality of life for me, as an artist, to have space to paint – not just room to do so when I take time to clear space, set up, work on a few pieces, tear it all down and put it away for next time; the difference is in having dedicated space to paint, and to work creatively. Now I know what I was yearning for, and having it, I now really understand why it matters so much. It’s a realization that feels a bit like the tail end of a South Park episode; the point at which Kenny delivers his short monologue that begins “I learned something today…” I learned something this weekend; I need space to paint, and it is an emotional need, the meeting of which improves my quality of life enormously. It’s a practical understanding of myself, too; I’ll never again shop for housing the same way, for example, because I’ll be looking for ‘space to paint’ in a non-negotiable way, any time it comes up in the future.
The days of this weekend were much more ‘timeless’ than a typical weekend. I rarely looked at a clock, and the days seemed long and leisurely. Is it a byproduct of investing in doing what I love, and taking care of me without stress or worry? What slowed the hands of the clock this weekend? Whatever it was, I’m grateful for the wonderful weekend, invested in taking care of me. Bringing mindfulness practices to the realm of my emotional life, and my emotional needs, doesn’t come naturally to me, yet; I practice attentively, and with discipline and commitment. Sometimes it feels vaguely ‘forced’, and I find myself fighting old programming that says my needs don’t matter. Every moment of that battle is so worth it; this weekend was a small ‘payout’, a return on investment, and I feel recharged and refreshed.
…Because I don’t do cross stitch. 😀
Today is a good day for beginnings. Today is a good day to be the woman I most want to be. Today is a good day to embrace change. Today is a good day to savor each precious moment, to connect, and to be present. Today is a good day to change the world.
How often have I heard it – how often have you – “you just…” or “you only…”, or “it’s super simple…” and subsequently found it a journey to new heights of frustration? It happens. Perspective matters. Experience counts. Aptitude gets to weigh in, whether we like it or not. What is obvious to one person, isn’t necessarily obvious to another. These are what make patience with each other, consideration, kindness, and compassion so incredibly valuable; we don’t all ‘get it’ with the same quickness, or in the same way, we don’t all learn at the same speed, and of course we are each having our own experience.
It’s been an interesting weekend to contemplate one particular very human duality, and finding balance between them. The first of these, and unavoidably so whether we recognize the truth of it or not; we are each having our own experience. Recognizing that has been a big deal for me. The other, and no less important generally; we’re all in this together. Yep. Interdependent, connected, social, and organized, one look at a global map of internet connections and it’s pretty obvious that we’re connected, by the communication of thoughts and emotions if not by flesh or ideology.
Each precious moment holds something worth cherishing now, something worth sharing.
This has been a good weekend to apply a number of things I’ve been learning over time. A good weekend to paint, to practice taking care of me, to invest in my continuing education as a human being, to invest in the qualities of mind that make me more who I want to be. The weekend went to ‘unscripted mode’ before I ever got home Friday night, though we’d had plans as a family that would have taken much of the weekend. I found myself undisturbed and content to let the weekend take me where it might, and I’ve been delighted with the outcome. Having space to paint set up and ready to go any time resulted in an easy and gentle switching of gears, yesterday morning, and it was as effortless as walking up a flight of stairs to be in another space, a different context, and enjoying my experience on my own terms. It was lovely.
“Summer Lamb’s Ear” 8″ x 10″ acrylic on canvas w/glow.
It was so productive, and comfortably so, that this morning I woke already thinking of painting, although my calendar clearly shows I’d intended to hike this morning. My arthritis chimed in early, having been my wake up call, alerting me that today would be characterized by more than usual pain, and less than ideal freedom of movement. Hiking would probably help. Painting could wait until afternoon. I dither over coffee. What do I want?
“Carried Away by Opinion” 8″ x 10″ acrylic on canvas w/glow, glitter, and googly eyes.
Letting that go for the moment, I reconsider the somewhat peculiar weekend. I have been content, satisfied, serene… it’s been a lovely weekend so far, and I feel nurtured, comfortable, and secure. It’s peculiar because observation tells me that my partners may not be having the same quality of experience, themselves. Earlier plans falling through has seemed to find them discontent, and to my outside perspective, struggling with various levels of unhappiness moment to moment. That sucks. I see it. When I can, I attempt to appropriately support them both, and each, and nurture positive experiences, and treat them pleasantly, and compassionately. What I’m not doing this weekend is undermining my pleasant experience by adopting their discontent for myself. This is an area of life and relationship building where I find a lot of my challenges. Ripping out programming that once drove me to make choices based on ‘well, if I really care, won’t I also be unhappy and share their feelings/experience with them?’ has been slow going; it feels somewhat disloyal to take care of me. That’s how programming works, though, it’s rooted in layers upon layers of internal dialogue, self-talk that uses key words and language to keep us in line, and it fights for survival as though it has an identity all its own.
Sometimes a change in perspective matters more than we can know before we get there. “Summer Lamb’s Ear” photographed in darkness.
The weekend has been, for me, so far, quite wonderful. I have no idea where today will take me, and I have not invested in any expectations of it; spending the day on chores, painting, and study, and enjoying the companionship of my partners, would be satisfying and sufficient. I could enjoy investing time in keeping my image archive organized, or exploring my options for updating my webpage. A walk in the forest, camera in hand, would be lovely, too.
What do I want of my life, today? Whatever it may be, today is probably quite an excellent day for that.
…Is taken one step at a time. That’s not one I can argue with, refute, or change.
“Each time for the first time, each moment, the only moment.” Jon Kabat-Zinn
We are each having our own experience. Also completely true, also out of reach of argument or persuasion. We make choices. Choices to participate, choices to pull away, choices to nurture, choices to disengage – we even attempt to make choices about whether we make choices, which is nonsense and foolishness; we have no choice but to choose.
Sometimes choices are obvious.
I enjoyed an exceptional day yesterday, end to end quite a nice day. The evening was spent in the company of one of my partners, providing a listening ear, and a supportive heart. People suffer, even people who love well and deeply will suffer in the course of a human life. Suffering isn’t avoidable; we have choices to make regarding how we handle our suffering, and how we treat others while we suffer.
Before we go farther, I’ll say I’m still practicing, myself, and one of my own challenges is indeed learning to treat others – and myself – truly well in the face of my own suffering. I am acutely aware of the suffering of others, and I observe their choices and behaviors attentively, asking myself all manner of questions about how what I see applies to my own experience, what I could choose to do differently, were it my choice, to find my way out of that darkness, and to treat my loves well in the face of pain or rage. I definitely don’t want to set expectations that I find it ‘easy’ or that it is a simple matter to change lifelong poor behavior, or rewrite bad programming. I will spend my life becoming the woman I most want to be; the challenges are real, the rewards can’t be overstated.
Resuming my narrative, I return to last evening. We’d had plans as a family. Those didn’t work out. It happens. I managed to enjoy an amazing connected intimate evening with my partner, simply by listening, being supportive, and allowing the time spent to have real value and intimacy, in spite of the OPD at the heart of all that pain. I ended the evening feeling warm and whole, and knowing that my partner was supported and cared for to the best of my ability. We all want to feel heard.
We each have our own struggles, our own challenges and doubts, our own fears – and our own nastiness to address in the silence of solitude, staring into the face of who we are in the moment with honest desire to do more, better…or finding a way to be at peace with the person we see. It took me many years to come to terms with some pretty shitty behavior I’d learned, and to recognize how significant my own role is in my contentment and happiness. It took even longer to acknowledge that I alone have the power to change me. Having gotten there it seemed almost cruel that I also had to decide what to keep, and what to change, for myself…and have to be accountable for the outcome when I choose poorly.
I don’t think this is the sort of journey that has a proper destination. I am doubtful that there’s a nice ‘rest area’ at the end point, a place to sit and relax, and celebrate the finish line. No trophy. No report card. No certification. Life is not the sort of journey that ends with ‘mastery’ or an obvious ‘win’… Except… There are moments when I feel something different about that; when the journey itself is the trophy, the goal, the big win at the finish line. No matter how long the journey, it is still taken in steps, and in moments, and each one contains that tremendous power to choose. Each of those moments, itself, is precious – incredibly precious; there are no ‘do-overs’.
Some thoughts over my coffee…
What will I choose today? It’s a lovely morning… Today is a good day to change myself, and the changes I make within my own heart, and my own experience, have the power to change the world. Today, I am a more experienced, more skilled human being than I was yesterday. Today I am a handful of moments closer to being the woman I most want to be. Today is a fresh start and a new opportunity to choose well. Today is a good day to choose change.
Healing isn’t an easy thing, is it? I mean, when the damage is substantial, or the illness left to go too long, there are ‘complications’. Life is that way, too, and emotional healing has potential complications all its own.
So much potential in our choices.
Wednesdays are therapy days for me. I do what I can to set clear boundaries, explicitly state needs for support, and clearly set expectations about any continued self-care once I get home. I don’t use a checklist, but I handle each piece with great care; my partners matter to me, their emotional wellness matters to me, and making room for them to enjoy their experience even when my own is less enjoyable in the moment matters to me, too. It rarely turns out well; they are also human, also making choices, also have needs, boundaries, limits of their own. Although we are ‘all in this together’, we are also each handling our baggage quite alone.
Yesterday’s session was very difficult, highly emotional, and I knew I wasn’t ‘done with it’ when I left my appointment. I wisely set expectations that I’d need some time meditating after I got home. I am learning more about recognizing what I need to take care of me, and learning to set clear expectations about those needs. There’s always more to learn; I apparently need some practice on following through. I got home to a house full of hungry people, eager to go out to dinner, and at least one of them irked with me that I hadn’t already said ‘yes’ or ‘no’, convinced I had been part of conversations about the matter. I hadn’t; I’d just arrived home, and there had been no opportunity to have those conversations with me. (One of the small common challenges of a poly amorous lifestyle, I find, is how easy it is to be mistaken about with whom a conversation happened.) I was hungry, myself, and facing the pressure of both my appetite and theirs, I caved to that pressure and went to dinner straight away. No meditation. That choice affected each moment that followed.
…stormy weather…
I learn more quickly from mistakes than from successes. I won’t likely forget that lesson any time soon.
Wednesdays are hard on me. Harder still to figure out how it is that each Wednesday I am at grave risk of further pain and turmoil at home (or how to remedy that). I either really really suck at expectation setting and maintaining boundaries, or my partners are totally human, wrapped up in their own needs and agenda, and just not particularly engaged with me in this area of my life. That’s pretty simplistic, and I suspect both are true to some extent, in varying amounts depending on circumstances. I could use a break on Wednesdays. I don’t know how to get there. I’d like tenderness, gentleness, kindness, compassion, loving support, lots of hugs and holding, intimate connection in a positive emotional framework… and I’d very much like my experience on Wednesdays to be understood to be ‘about me‘. It seems so simple in text. Somehow, it just isn’t that simple.
This is where my current focus on emotional self-sufficiency comes into play. The more emotionally self-sufficient I can become, the less I ‘need’ from my partnerships, friendships, lovers – and the more I can choose those relationships based on desire, enjoyment and shared values, and maintain them because they have value in my experience, not because they meet emotional needs. Honestly, I don’t see it as choosing between having my needs met by my relationships, versus meeting them myself. From my current vantage point it is more a matter of learning to meet my own needs where that potential exists, versus having those needs met in a haphazard hit or miss way when they can be met by someone else at all. Each Wednesday that I struggle to fulfill emotional needs that are a byproduct of my therapy experience, I learn more about being self-reliant emotionally, which seems worthwhile.
I’ve changed a lot over the past year. It has gotten pretty lonely sometimes, and I experience profound moments of self-doubt, and doubts about my relationships. I say that because it isn’t always obvious to me that this is common to the human experience, generally, and later I may need this reminder that it is quite common indeed. 🙂
…Eventually the light breaks through the darkness, and there is a new day…
Here we are, a new day. An opportunity for new choices. Today is a good day for choices, and for change. Today is a good day to take care of me. Today is a good day to treat others with kindness, and myself too while I’m at it. Today is a good day to change the world.
Evening Light 