Archives for category: art and the artist

It’s definitely Spring here now. Everything is so green and getting greener each day. The combination of warm sunny afternoons, rainy nights, and cool misty mornings here is so lovely! There are so many hues of green!

[No AI is used in writing or editing this blog. This is human content for human readers.]

I started down the trail quite a bit later than I do on most mornings. My Traveling Partner was already up this morning, and invited me to linger over coffee. I’m glad I did. We laughed and shared a few humorous moments of lighthearted conversation, a delightful start to the day.

So many hues of green..

The trail is damp and the puddles are plentiful. The oaks are wearing a bright green haze. Mixed among the evergreens along the creek bank, the deciduous trees are becoming hues of lush green and the grassy rows between the vines in the vineyard are bright green and fresh looking (appealing to bunnies, apparently; I see several as I pass by). A sneezing fit stops me briefly, and I am grateful for the packs of travel tissues my beloved gave me from his truck, yesterday. Well-timed generosity. I feel loved.

I find the bench at my halfway point occupied this morning. A rather fat raccoon sitting there tearing open a soggy fast food bag to get at whatever was left in it. She sees me, and before I can snap a picture, she grabs her prize and hops down into the weeds and quickly disappears into the trees and down the creek bank. The bench is damp, but the morning is mild. I put my hoodie down and take a seat.

I sit reflecting on happy outcomes of clear communication and truly having the support of my Traveling Partner. I spent most of yesterday in the studio, and enjoyed “playing in the colors” again. I really needed it. The chance to work creatively in media that feels comfortable, the opportunity to express things I struggle to put into words, and sure, also the satisfaction of creating was long overdue. Cooking doesn’t do the same thing for me. I’m a painter (as many pictures as I do take with my camera, I don’t really consider myself a photographer). It’s not even about “good” work versus “bad” work. I’m not sure art really works that way. A piece that I think was completely flubbed, not worth saving, is just as likely to move someone else as any piece I personally look upon as “a real masterpiece”. Art is very personal. I painted two pieces yesterday, and one of those thoroughly delights me. It’s enough.

“Road’s End”

I sigh contentedly, followed by a poignant pang of sorrow; my Dear Friend will never see this piece. I think she would have loved it. A large plump robin stops in front of me and sings his song directly to me, quite loudly. “What are you trying to tell me, my dude?” I ask softly, though I don’t expect his reply, a further bit of cheerful song, possibly a little demanding in tone. I’m not sure; I don’t speak robin. He cocks his head and looks at me as if waiting for something, before flying away.

I meditate and think about the day ahead. I remind myself to do some laundry. I’d rather paint, but there are other things that also need my attention. I’m okay with that. It feels like balance and normalcy may be returning to the flow of my days. I like that thought.

The gray morning gives no hint at the passage of time. I know the clock is ticking. It’s probably time to begin again.

Yesterday… Interesting day, and simultaneously uneventful, and also notable in several ways, which is why it was interesting. My studio is coming along and I plan to be painting this weekend. I got so excited about that idea that I left work early to get the weekend started. My Traveling Partner knows how important that is to me and dropped everything to figure out weekend plans that would give me the house to myself. (I feel very loved.)

[No AI is used in writing or editing this blog. This is human content for human readers.]

By evening, two things were clear; there was bad weather brewing, and my partner’s attempts to throw something together for Friday night hadn’t worked out. We’d definitely be spending the evening together. Hell, how could I be disappointed by that? Sure, I’m yearning for some solitude and creative time that isn’t interrupted by all sorts of routine requirements of adult life, but I’m also okay with planning ahead. I’ve long found it quite necessary. And also? I really enjoy the company of my beloved.

… What to do?

My Traveling Partner asked me if I wanted to go get frozen yogurt together? I surprised him with an immediate yes, and went to put on something suitable for to leaving the house.

The sky was stormy looking. I don’t mind such things. We talked about the weather on the way to enjoying a frozen treat together. At least for now, so soon after his prolonged incapacitation due to injury and surgery, every outing feels like romance. Date night. We could have gone to the grocery store and I’d have been every bit as excited. We had fun. It was a good time. He was still talking about fucking off for the weekend to do his own thing, and I was still looking forward to it.

Sometime during the night, I woke for no obvious reason. He was up (still or also was never clear). I mumbled some sleepy greeting, heading back to bed (not really awake, honestly), he called to me quietly and reminded me he actually has a full weekend of project work (business), and really should stay home and focus on that to stay on schedule with his customers. I nodded sleepily, unsurprised (the surprise had been that he was so ready to step away and give me the solitude at home to paint). He assures me he’ll be busy and “won’t be in the way”. I say something, words, affirming I’m fine with that. I’m genuinely unbothered. I’ve got my studio back, and I don’t need much more, really. The solitude is – always has been – a luxury more precious than gems. I’m happy to be mostly left alone more or less to paint. It’s enough. I went back to bed, back to sleep.

I woke this morning in the usual way, no alarm set and still waking up quite early. The darkness before dawn was drizzly. It rained through the night, continuing long after the rare thunderstorm had passed. I don’t mind a drizzle. I hit the trail happily contemplating a day spent at my easel.

A beginning of its own. Beginnings take many shapes.

When I began painting in pastels, in July 2024, I had already collapsed my studio to make room for the Anxious Adventurer. I’ve never had my studio available for working in pastels. This feels exciting and new. After the first flurry of eager creative work in a new medium, the fatigue of caregiving began to overwhelm me, and certainly I had nothing left over for art once life was done with me each day. The Anxious Adventurer proved to be damned little help with caregiving, at all, that was all on me. What help he did provide generally came at the cost of my cognitive capacity, resulting in still more fatigue. He didn’t know our ways, and definitely seemed more an adolescent than the grown adult I was prepared for (based on his age). His chronic negativity was draining. The contentious relationship with his father was… annoying.

…I wouldn’t have an environment I could paint in for almost two years, but I wouldn’t recognize that for some months, and the care my beloved needed and could not get from his son would keep me at home, too… for nearly two years…

Two years. For almost two years I’ve felt my inspiration wax and wane, again and again, yearning for the freedom to paint. The time. The energy. The emotional environment. It’s been rough having to stifle all that for lack of space, resources, or control over my environment. I have resented it more than I wanted to, and mostly because I often felt I’d been taken in by some cosmic bait and switch scheme; the help offered by the Anxious Adventurer’s presence rarely materialized and time and again I felt tricked into having to parent a grown ass man who should have had basic life skills mastered at 32.

… We’re each having our own experience. Sometimes adulting is fucking hard

I sigh to myself by the side of this rain soaked trail. Things are different today. The rain leaves everything fresh and green. The air smells of petrichor and Spring flowers. The day feels full of promise. I have choices and today I will paint.

There’s a ping in the Anxious Adventurer’s travel chat. He’s almost home to Ohio, just a day’s drive away. He complains about the rain. His mother suggests he complain to the rental firm about the leaky truck and the flat tire. He complains that doing so makes him feel bad. I’m surprised when she and his grandmother rush to offer to do it for him. Huh. That explains a lot. I shrug it off. “Not my circus, not my monkeys”.

Today I’ll be painting.

A new day, a new beginning, eh? Gotta start somewhere. Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat. Like a lot of mornings I woke with a song in my head. Why this one? No idea – it’s somewhere to begin, though.

[No AI is used in writing or editing this blog. This is human content for human readers.]

So I begin the day reflecting on a song and a moment and wondering what my dreams may have been whispering in my ears during the night, and whether that matters at all.

Yesterday was strange. Filled with conversations about my Traveling Partner maybe being out for several hours or possibly overnight, or maybe not going anywhere at all. Suddenly, he was heading out. At that point it was unexpected, but I adapt quickly; I enjoy solitude at home, and it’s quite rare. It’s a busy workday for me. I eventually finish with that, do a couple things around the house, and shower. I sit down and put my feet up, and he’s letting me know he’s heading home. I chuckle to myself. Any little bit of disappointment I briefly feel is quickly washed away by my enthusiasm for his company. We’ve got a good thing. Solitude can wait, it always does. 😄

We shared a lovely quiet evening, no drama, no fussing, no weird hint of persistent anxiety in the background. We’re open to each other and converse easily without strain. How were the last 20 months so fucking difficult? I sigh to myself. People are who they are. They bring all the mess and bother and vexation within themselves along with them everywhere they go. They are each having their own experience, and walking their own path. This is true of my beloved Traveling Partner and of me, and of the Anxious Adventurer. I sigh to myself, grateful to have my space back, and my peace, and genial quiet evenings of effortless conversation and endless seeming moments of joy.

I sit watching the pearly pink sunrise from the side of the trail. Nice morning. I listen to a track my beloved shared with me. It is a deeply meaningful favorite.

My phone begins pinging me with work notifications. I ignore them; that time has not yet come. The awareness of a new work day encroaches on my peace though. I am reminded of the scramble and grind to “chase that bag” another day. I resent the weight we give nothing more significant than a paycheck. What about art? What about love? What about reasoned discourse among educated people? What about a moment alone on a trail in springtime? I laugh softly to myself. I know where I put the most value. Still , a paycheck is a useful thing and surviving “late stage capitalism” certainly seems easier with than without.

I sigh to myself again. Breathing in the cool floral scented Spring. I guess it’s time to begin again.

I woke early. I clearly wasn’t going back to sleep so I got up, dressed, and headed out to take my walk and see the sun rise. Nice morning for it, although all the trees are in bloom and carrying extra tissues has become a Spring ritual. I get down the path to my usual halfway point before daybreak.

[No AI is used in writing or editing this blog. This is human content for human readers.]

A fit of sneezing overtakes me, and I use up the pack of travel tissues in my left pocket. It’s fine; I have an unopened pack in my right pocket. I giggle out loud to be so well prepared, but to be fair, it’s not my first Spring. 😆 I clear my throat a little hoarsely. I took allergy meds this morning, they haven’t kicked in yet.

Like a lot of people, “the money thing” is weighing more heavily on me lately. I’m not complaining, I’m just saying things that once felt thoroughly affordable and low risk, now require thoughtful planning. A lot of things are more expensive (in some cases by quite a lot), but wages never seem to be among the dollar amounts going up. “Cost of living”… It’s also a cost of thriving, a cost of exploring life’s possibilities, a cost of doing something meaningful with this mortal life, a cost of freedom from struggle, a cost of necessary medical care… Everything seems to have a price tag. Lots of shiny distractions to keep us busy so maybe we don’t ask why it’s worth it to spend many hundreds of billions on a foreign war (which we instigated for no clear worthwhile cause), instead of investing those resources in our national infrastructure, and domestic programs. It’s a question worth asking.

I sigh to myself. Even for me it is a question for another time. It is Tuesday. I was away from work yesterday, finishing up the many moving details of sending the Anxious Adventurer back to his home state and more familiar circumstances. My muscles are sore and my studio (which serves as my home office, too) is full of bland brown boxes containing a lifetime of creative work carefully compressed into about two cubic yards. So strange. There is so much meaning packed into those boxes.

More meaningful than they appear.

I sit by the trail reflecting on the relative value of things and experiences. Which matters most, truly, meaning or money? A sense of purpose, or of financial security? The jobs we do to pay the bills, or the lives we live once the bills are paid? Complicated questions, but only because we are pushed to be “productive citizens” from the day we’re born (unless we happen to be born into profound wealth, in which case, the rules appear to be quite different).

A colorful sunrise, a new day to choose my path.

I sigh to myself and reflect on sufficiency. I’m grateful to have a sense of purpose, and to feel that my life is meaningful. I didn’t always feel this way and it took some work to get here. I sit listening to peeping frogs down on the creekbank, or perhaps in the trees. I let the sound pull me back to “now”, and this fleeting lived moment. Moments are so brief. I smile and think of my Traveling Partner. I am fortunate to enjoy our shared journey through life. 16 years together coming up soon. 15 married. My longest long-term relationship. We’ve been through some things together. My heart fills with gratitude and love.

I smile to myself. I’m fortunate to be so moved by such simple wholesome experiences in life. It is by far less costly than chasing some perpetually unreachable yearning that somehow fails to satisfy, however close I may come to achieving it. I’ve been there too, and I’m grateful to have walked on from that chaos. I’d rather be in my garden.

… Shit. I remind myself to get out into the garden before the recently weeded beds are once again overgrown with nothing of value. There’s a metaphor there. I sit with that thought, and consider the work that always needs doing. How very like life that is.

I sigh as I stand and brush off my jeans. The clock is ticking. Daylight has come. It’s already time to begin again.

I woke early, but not ridiculously so. I got up and dressed, hoping not to wake my Traveling Partner. We worked through the day, yesterday, moving things around and restoring order from chaos. Joyful work, but still work, and by the end of the evening we were both fatigued, in pain, and easily aggravated. I called it a night early, expecting to read awhile, but I quickly sank into an exhausted sleep.

[No AI is used in writing or editing this blog. This is human content for human readers.]

We had a great day together yesterday, mostly. Fatigue and pain got in the way a couple times – very human. Today is a new day, and I am not clinging to yesterday’s grief; that’s generally a poor practice. (We become what we practice.)

The morning is quiet and very dark. I reach the local trail ahead of the sun. I decide to wait for the first hint of daybreak before I begin my walk. I’ve got my headlamp, but I’m not in any hurry. Even though it is Easter Sunday for many, there are no early morning events planned here (I checked before I chose this trail).

Yesterday, in the evening, I managed to hurt my knee somehow and managed little better than a slow painstaking limp, gripping my cane to steady myself through each painful step for the rest of the evening. The muscle running up the back of my thigh from the pit of my knee to my ass still hurts, but I’m not limping and for most values of “okay”, I’m okay. I’m just sore from the work of moving things around (and there is more yet to do).

I don’t personally enjoy the chaos of moving, and I’m grateful this is a very limited version of that experience. I’m delighted to have my space back, less so about the bangs and bruises of having my mental map suddenly destroyed. I laugh at myself for a moment, recognizing that as lasting consequences of brain damage go, it could be much worse that needing some time to rebuild routines and to restore a sense of object placement. This may also say something about my fondness for familiar walks and trails. I sit with that thought for a moment.

… Novelty is uncomfortable, but may be better for my cognitive health, long-term…

I sigh to myself as I recognize and acknowledge sore muscles. The walk will be good for me. I think about the day ahead. More to do, and today includes a bunch of basic housekeeping. I’ve been working from home more, which takes the pressure off the weekend, and let’s me spread things out more, and my Traveling Partner no longer requires full-time caregiving (barely any at all now), and has been resuming many household tasks he handled entirely before his injury. Fuck it’s good to have him back! … It’s still Sunday and there are still household chores to do. 😆

It’s funny, I had had it in mind to “put things back the way they were” when the Anxious Adventurer moved out… But things have changed, life has moved on, and that isn’t a useful solution in many cases. (I don’t think I have an accurate recollection to work from, either.) Change is. There are different paintings hanging in the library now, and my studio just “feels different”. I’m not even complaining or fighting it; it’s mostly better in obvious ways. There is room for further improvement and this is a choice opportunity for such things. I’ll relearn where everything is, all over again.

… And maybe even change it again, in favor of something better still…

I reflect (with some amazement and a whole lot of respect and admiration) on the way my Traveling Partner embraces the opportunity for change to completely change various elements of his work and creative spaces. I’m astonished by how little such things disrupt him. There’s a lot to learn from that.

I sit awhile longer reflecting on moves and moving and change. It’s a useful metaphor. My mind quickly wanders to art and painting and I am eager to make use of my studio, although it will see use as my office before then. Monday is almost here. I put that thought aside firmly. Neither Monday nor work need my attention today.

I look over the list of things yet to do. The sky has taken on a hint of deep dark blue. I can see the trail. Steps on a path are calling me. It’s time to begin again.