Archives for category: Relationships

Gently, Now

June 9, 2013 //

What a lovely weekend. I’m rather hopelessly infatuated with my new aquarium, and Saturday the first fish moved in to their new home. I’m delighted, awe-struck, and captivated. I’m distracted with joy. What an awesome birthday present, from my partners. Life. A tiny universe to nurture, care for, and observe; planned and assembled with great care and attention…

…in 3 days, I am 50.

I started this thinking I had more to say about it than that. I could talk about romance, relationship building, passion, love…or share some thoughts on things, or give credit where due, or perhaps say a long overdue thanks, or express a heartfelt sentiment, or…but here I sit, now. This lovely gentle now. This brilliant extraordinarily pleasant now. This one moment, right here. This one. I don’t know – suddenly I feel as if the one thing I want most to share here, which is now, isn’t something I can share in words, at all. The notion immediately robbed me of words. Maybe more words tomorrow? For me, for now, simply now will be enough.

Simple delight. Now. Enough.

Tags an octopus's garden, love, mindfulness, now, starting the second half, turning 50, whatever happened to happily ever after?

Categories gardening, Healthy Living, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Relationships, Turning 50, Words

Life, Love, and Another Garden

June 6, 2013 //

My day started gently, easily, and of course – before my alarm went off. lol. It’s new to sleep so deeply, or it seems so. The trickling and bubbling of the aquarium in my bedroom seems to go a step beyond lulling me to sleep. As with rain on the roof or windows, it seems to ease the snarling of ancient demons, and my sleep is less disturbed. It’s quite lovely. I enjoy that first few minutes when the light comes on, seeing the tiny contained universe suddenly illuminated delights me every morning. I had initially hesitated to take on the additional complexity of a planted freshwater community, but wow I do love a garden!

Another garden to tend, to love, to rest in…

Today is just 6 days to 50… and today feels very nice. Yesterday finished well, in the warm embrace of friendship and affection and laughter. The night was easy. The morning, chill. I’m in a lot of pain today, but it seems as near to irrelevant to my experience as pain ever can be. Quite a nice day… I feel contented, and calm, and balanced. My appreciation for this lovely ‘now’ is definitely enhanced by the recent more difficult days/moments…so, less to say and more to experience…

Tags a good night's sleep, gardening, mindfulness, pure morning, turning 50

Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, gardening, Healthy Living, Love, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Turning 50

One Moment, One Day, One Week

June 5, 2013 //

I am feeling tired today, on a different level, as if my heart or perhaps my ‘soul’ is fatigued and needing rest. Hormones, probably. Or some other simple fundamental of being human, perhaps. I slept well enough, although I woke once or twice briefly, and of course ahead of the alarm clock when my night ended. I’m eating well and taking care of my nutritional needs. I’m getting good regular exercise, and I’m not taking medications I don’t need, and those at the lowest effective dose of the most reliable Rx available at this time. I’m staying with new mindfulness and meditation practices, and yoga, and attending to the needs of my spirit and my heart by ensuring I take time for people and things I love.

Memories and daydreams mingle as I approach 50.
“Sunset on the River” 1994 and 2011. Oil on Canvas

…and I’m tired. I feel a bit like I am momentarily ‘paused’ to re-buffer… or something… When my mind is still and quiet I feel the unease of dissatisfaction more clearly. I’m uncomfortable facing it. What am I afraid of? Change? There’s so much of that of late I don’t see that it would be all that remarkable. lol. Hormones. I will be so glad when the over-rationalized, highly resented, chemical driver of my experience ebbs like the tide. I daydream that I will be suddenly ‘more sane’ and calmer… I hope not to be disappointed. LOL Maybe I am just a madwoman after all? I do wonder, sometimes…

The ‘first half’ is nearly at an end… a dear friend who heard about my new aquarium adventure remarked “one must adjust the temporal currents in ones own body and mind in order to commune with the fish. it will be very beneficial to your journey, i believe.” I’m sure she’s right on both points. So, ever onward…50 staring me in the face, and when I stare back I see it pretty clearly some days. Still…overall I’m pretty happy. Overall I’m pretty satisfied with most things. Overall I’m in good health, and reasonably rational. It’s hard to bitch about feeling tired, or share some existential angst, knowing how many friends, family, and acquaintances are really struggling. Harder still to deal with feeling dissatisfied about things that suddenly look awfully small when I consider the pain and turmoil in our global community. Am I finally becoming a grown up? lol.

7 days to 50…

Tags birthday wishes, feeling a little lost, life, love, nothing like a good night's sleep, ptsd, Quitting time, relationships, swimming with the fishes, TBI

Categories Anxiety, Art, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Love, Menopause, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Spring, Turning 50, women

Ouch.

June 4, 2013 //

8 days to 50…and today is actually pretty damned unpleasant so far. I woke from nightmares, groggy and drenched in sweat, before the alarm went off. The day seemed to begin well enough; a good latte and a sense of relief that nightmares are something I can wake up from isn’t a bad beginning. The morning shared with a partner seemed lovely…

Maybe it looks easy..but…

…the day is not idyllic. I’m frustrated. Struggling to communicate well. I feel discontented. I feel disappointed that I seem to suck so badly now at something I thought I was really good at, and wondering how it is that I ever managed to think I was good at it in the first place? I am ‘having a bad day’. Somehow the satisfaction of good work, skilled problem solving, and task completion is escaping me. I feel dissatisfied in spite of my efforts, in spite of my successes. Right now, only my failures seem to count for anything with me. I’m aggravated that I feel this way. Fucking hell – struggling to communicate, to connect, to feel joy in what is joyful to me, to feel valued and appreciated…I want very much to yield to ‘today sucks’, but I know it doesn’t have to be the day, even if it is the moment.

I am crying. I’m not sure how much that matters, really, aside from completely removing any chance of being able to communicate effectively. I can see sunshine outside through the patio door. Flowers nodding in the breezes as if to confirm that it is a lovely day… out there. (In here – meaning within my being – it is sucking rather a lot, today.) Some of this ‘growth’ stuff is pretty damned painful, and today it is hard to see the value. I sometimes feel very alone on this journey. Alone, and silenced.

I feel like ‘my inbox’ is piled high with things I need to master, work on, improve, succeed at, appreciate more, do better, understand more… and I feel like I’m not making any progress. At least, I feel that way today.

8 days…good thing it isn’t a deadline.

Tags communication skills, easier said than done, mindfulness, ptsd, relationships, TBI, the year of my discontent, work and life, you know it ain't easy

Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Love, Menopause, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Turning 50

Counting Down

June 3, 2013 //

10…yesterday…and it was a good day. A day I experienced as ‘joyous’ and ‘busy’ and ‘delightful’. Yesterday I set up my aquarium – my birthday present from my loves. I’m so excited about it that sometimes I can’t contain my delight and it spills over onto everyone around me as words – a lot of words – chatter, really, like an excited child. I’m ok with that. It isn’t harmful. lol. I would take a million pictures of it, but honestly – it’s rocks and plants and a couple snails for now, and as excited as I am, I can admit there isn’t enough ‘going on’ to take more than a picture or two at this point. lol. I’m ok with that – so eager and excited I’d happily go home straight away, work half finished, and just sit watching the bubbles rise, and the snails creeping. 😀 Simple pleasures.

Excitement, adventure, and life…better than television.

9…today…fatigue and hormones. A good morning, somehow rather ‘grown up’ and not particularly playful. I woke in a wonderful mood from a deep sleep, and not much inclined toward the serious side of life, but life doesn’t always inquire before she gets started on my day. <shrugs> I’m having a good day – but I feel fatigued to the point of wanting to ‘just lay down for a minute’…except I’m at work, and they frown on that sort of thing. LOL What am I missing? I slept, I managed my calories, I had my usual amount of caffeine at the usual intervals [=junkie, yes I know, as vices go, it is of no significance]…I’m just…so…tired… Hormones more than likely. Shall we skip discussing that mess in a graphic way? Either you ‘get it’ and it is part of your direct or indirect experience, or you don’t. Maybe we can talk more when I’m alert – and hostile toward the world. I always find plenty to say about it then. lol. Should be another couple days… O_0

…and now for a change of topic…

The garden is lovely – and we’ve added a greenhouse! I’ve wanted one for so long. My dear Granny had one, attached to a big big house out in the countryside – when she lived out in the countryside, with a house full of kids. I remember the smell of it, and the warmth that would soak into my bones right away, and the feeling that sunshine was somehow eternal under those glass panes. I remember her potting bench, the different sizes of terra cotta pots, and the soil and her trowel. I remember her teaching me to re-use broken pottery – a broken pot makes a good toad house, and there were so many toads in the yard! I feel a momentary twinge of sadness as I realize how rarely I see a toad in the garden these days. Still, it is a lovely June, and my birthday is nine days away…there is life everywhere! The rose garden, full of blooms, the greenhouse with the tray of seedlings growing and becoming ready for pots, the aquarium and the gentle greenery shifting in the current, soon to be home to new creatures, more life…wow. Life. I’m glad I am here. I’m glad it is now.