Archives for posts with tag: swimming with the fishes

One of my favorite experiences is the simple delight of a leisurely morning, so much so that I wake each day fully 2 hours before I have to leave for work, with no agenda beyond having my morning coffee and some time for me, enjoyed on my own terms. That my partners do so many things, and make so many small choices, to ensure I have more of these mornings than not, is most certainly one of the most loving things I regularly enjoy.  This morning was one of those delightful leisurely mornings, although it was not in any fashion ‘routine’.

For one thing, I spent much of the morning in my rose garden, sipping my latte – which was a different flavor than what I generally favor first thing – and contemplating the work to come. My weekend begins on Friday. The roses need dead-heading, feeders need replenishing, there are some shrubs I plan to have removed that need to be marked, and I gently considered the fall pruning of trees and shrubs with an eye for future summers; the aesthetic result matters to me. I hardly noticed the drizzle that came and went, and it was well into an hour before I realized time had passed at all.

The blueberries are excellent this year!

The blueberries are excellent this year!

I still had time to enjoy a second coffee, and I enjoyed the robust hit to my taste buds of a favorite morning choice – a double shot of espresso, a little milk, and a hint of vanilla. Yum. I lingered over my espresso while I watched fish swim.  My anxiety about sick fish has mostly receded, and it seems I identified the issue quickly enough for early treatment to prevail.

A good day ahead of me, now, and a lovely morning behind me. I’m eager for the weekend…eager to be in the greenhouse…content to be 50, female, and in love. From this perspective, life feels pretty damned splendid.

...there are seedlings to plant...

…there are seedlings to plant…

…But life doesn’t wait for the weekend, and neither should a good time! Heading to the old-time-y candy shop down the road over lunch with my colleagues.

Enough sugar on hand to fuel a universe entirely populated by hummingbirds!

Enough sugar on hand to fuel a universe entirely populated by hummingbirds!

Well, ok – at least one day over 50.

I enjoyed my birthday tremendously, and shared it with people I love. My partners, a couple of my oldest friends, a couple of my newest friends, people who are very dear to me, someone I just met for the first time, all joined me for pizza, some great music, and a bite of cake – the cake wasn’t very good, and I don’t think that mattered at all. lol. The conversation was lively, and it was great to spend this important [to me] day feeling so connected. A far away friend, whose writing I greatly enjoy, wrote to me of the day we met. Seeing a younger self through his eyes was a remarkable 50th birthday present.

This birthday has been about something very different from material goods. Even my aquarium. My partners would have happily set it all up for me and ‘given me an aquarium’ for my birthday.  Understanding that I wanted the experience as much as the thing itself, they coached me through all of it, instead. I have relished the reading and learning, and decision-making and shopping as this tiny universe takes shape.  I’ve learned some things that proved to be great life lessons and handy metaphors. I am captivated by my aquarium, and when I sit and gaze into it, watching the fish live their lives, and the plants swaying gently in currents invisible to me, I think of the love and affection of these amazing beings in my life. It’s quite wonderful and rather sentimental. 😀 Exceptional birthday. 50…worth celebrating.

My newest garden...

My newest garden…

Real life is still real life. I still deal with my share of challenges and frustrations. I still have a brain injury and the resulting weirdness – but lately that has been more ‘quirky’ and occasionally comedic for me, far more often than it has been stressful or aggravating. How is it that things are this much better? I’m almost afraid to look at it too closely. Better is good.

Funny thing – I’ve been in pain, probably about a 7 out of 10, for a couple of days now. I’m not bitching. No, seriously, that’s what I’m saying – I’m not bitching. lol. I hurt, I do. That’s pretty unpleasant. I’m managing to treat people well, and have a good experience, in spite of it. It’s nice. The only down side is that I seriously doubt that my discomfort is at all evident right now. lol. That’s ok – it gives me lots of practice at gentle explicit communication, and willfully treating people well when I am in pain. Those are good skills to hone.

I think I am finally finding balance in a way that works for me…pain, for the moment, is irrelevant. The evening falls softly, and my laptop battery reminds me that life is best lived…time for some ‘now’.

I am feeling tired today, on a different level, as if my heart or perhaps my ‘soul’ is fatigued and needing rest. Hormones, probably. Or some other simple fundamental of being human, perhaps.  I slept well enough, although I woke once or twice briefly, and of course ahead of the alarm clock when my night ended.  I’m eating well and taking care of my nutritional needs.  I’m getting good regular exercise, and I’m not taking medications I don’t need, and those at the lowest effective dose of the most reliable Rx available at this time.  I’m staying with new mindfulness and meditation practices, and yoga, and attending to the needs of my spirit and my heart by ensuring I take time for people and things I love. 

Memories and daydreams mingle as I approach 50. "Sunset on the River" 1994 and 2011. Oil on Canvas

Memories and daydreams mingle as I approach 50.
“Sunset on the River” 1994 and 2011. Oil on Canvas

…and I’m tired.  I feel a bit like I am momentarily ‘paused’ to re-buffer… or something… When my mind is still and quiet I feel the unease of dissatisfaction more clearly.  I’m uncomfortable facing it.  What am I afraid of? Change? There’s so much of that of late I don’t see that it would be all that remarkable. lol.  Hormones. I will be so glad when the over-rationalized, highly resented, chemical driver of my experience ebbs like the tide.  I daydream that I will be suddenly ‘more sane’ and calmer… I hope not to be disappointed. LOL Maybe I am just a madwoman after all? I do wonder, sometimes…

The ‘first half’ is nearly at an end… a dear friend who heard about my new aquarium adventure remarked “one must adjust the temporal currents in ones own body and mind in order to commune with the fish.  it will be very beneficial to your journey, i believe.”  I’m sure she’s right on both points.  So, ever onward…50 staring me in the face, and when I stare back I see it pretty clearly some days.  Still…overall I’m pretty happy. Overall I’m pretty satisfied with most things. Overall I’m in good health, and reasonably rational.  It’s hard to bitch about feeling tired, or share some existential angst, knowing how many friends, family, and acquaintances are really struggling.  Harder still to deal with feeling dissatisfied about things that suddenly look awfully small when I consider the pain and turmoil in our global community. Am I finally becoming a grown up? lol.

7 days to 50…