Archives for posts with tag: be the change
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Just One Thing

December 19, 2013 //
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Yesterday I spent the day gently, most of it, on mindful service to the small creatures in my life. I spent hours on aquatic gardening: doing a water change in my community tank, some pruning, planting, tidying things up, acclimating the new tetras that have been in quarantine, and generally spending the larger part of the day with the fish.  It was soothing and serene, and I definitely needed to support my inner stillness after a morning of unexpected turmoil.  Tending the aquarium was a good choice to get back on track and feeling calm and balanced.

The secret life of shrimp.

The secret life of shrimp.

It was a moment of shared humor to find myself discussing the aqua gardening, and commenting that I doubted there were any shrimp surviving, since I simply never see them…I gestured to the tank and…there’s a shrimp, right up front! LOL I took a moment to snap a picture, because I wanted to be sure later that I didn’t doubt my recollection of having seen him. 😀  All that cleaning and moving things around must have disturbed any shrimp in the community. I found several more lurking quietly in the Java fern. 🙂

What made yesterday sort itself out in such a wonderful way wasn’t heartfelt apologies, or emotional ‘laying down of arms’, or occupying time in spaces away from conflict, although those things generally help.  For me, it was more about taking time to be deeply engaged in a favored activity, a needful task of some complexity, that I gave my entire attention to for a while to a ‘greater good’. Mindful service. In this case, mindful service to my own needs, and my aquarium. Simple gardening on some level, and gardening is something I know puts my heart and head right, when I take the time to allow it, to pursue it, and to invest in the good in it.  (Experience tells me I could pay lip service to the idea of ‘mindful service’ and just go through some motions, and perform tasks to completion, while investing in being hurt and angry, and get nothing in return but a sense of futility and resentment – will and intent matter; results also require action.)

The day was a good one, morning challenges passed quickly, comfortably, and were quickly forgotten. That’s more progress, and it feels like something I can begin to count on. 🙂  I admittedly enjoy tallying up the improvements in emotional resilience, reductions in volatility, new tools, new skills, new experiences of living in a general state of contentment, and comfort within myself…it’s been a year (368 days) since my sense of self began to unravel in a terrible way, a process that took weeks, consumed the holiday experience, and ultimately found me as only a shell of myself, considering choosing to end my own life… What a difference a year can make!  I don’t discuss those dark days in any detail with people, even people I love very much; too much pain to share, too few words to express it without sharing the pain more than the understanding. I feel hopeful that those days are well behind me now, and nothing more than a memory.

The mindfulness thing was the key. Still is. There are so many times I wish I could convincingly say “no, really, try this“, to friends and loved ones with their own challenges, their own suffering… but generally, as with my own experience in my own life, there is a state of readiness needed to even hear the suggestion in a usable way. I was once someone willing to say, with conviction and based on my own experience, that I had ‘tried meditation and it didn’t do anything for me’.  “I tried meditation…” No, no I had not. Not like this. I had always been focused on focus, focused on concentration, focused on clarity – focused on thought. I did not understand ‘awareness’, ‘stillness’, or observation. I did not understand the importance of breathing. I’m not sure what I ‘understand’ now…but I practice. 🙂  It is enough.

A lot more is ‘enough’, now. I hope to more deeply explore ‘sufficiency’ in 2014, to be more deeply and mindfully in service to home, hearth, and to myself, to ask more questions, and be more comfortable with uncertainty, to continue my studies of life and love, and to connect more deeply and more intimately with my loves, with my friends, with my family. I’ll get started today – it’s a lovely day to change the world.

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, gardening, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Turning 50, winter

Dear Santa…

December 11, 2013 //
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The winter holiday season is a big deal for me.

Fun ornaments

This morning I am surfing the universe of retail luxuries in search of gift ideas that will be memorable, exciting, appreciated, worthy, nurturing, and result in wide eyes and delighted exclamations on a certain upcoming winter morning. The shopping is part of my piece of the fun, and there’s no particular stress in it for me; giving from a place of love to someone who receives with love as well is a marvelous experience whether it is something practical, or something utterly unnecessary. 

Expensive isn’t a requirement; I’m not trying to impress anyone, I’m just saying “I love you” with a gift. Relevant is nice; I like gifts to meet a need, or fulfill a passion, or show some specific sort of affection or appreciation. I like a gift to say “I see you, and I enjoy this quality about who you are.” The shopping is an exciting way to explore my understanding of someone I care about, as well as the shared experience we have of who we are together, as it brings my focus to first one, then another particular detail.

Books, jewelry, toys, games, clothes, event tickets, collectibles, hobby related bits and pieces, lifestyle upgrades, something fun, something serious, something that smells good, something that feels good, something colorful, something rare, something out of the everyday experience… the choices are vast. I still make a wish list of my own, every year, and in my head I start it off with ‘Dear Santa…’, even though I’m now ‘far too grown up’ for that. lol. I hope I never lose my sense of wonder and child-like delight with gifting traditions.

So here I sit considering gifts on a winter morning… and thinking about childhood letters to Santa Claus. Maybe I’m not so grown up, after all? 😀

Dear Santa… I’ve been pretty good this year. Better than ever, I promise. Please give everyone in the whole wide world something to smile about this year. If you have time and resources left over from that, I’ve got a list…but I’ll be just as happy to see the smiles of people I love when they open their gifts from me, as getting anything bigger than that. It’s been a busy year, and I already have a lot of stuff. 🙂  If you’re really sure you want to put more presents under the tree, though, I understand.  My list has lots of stuff on it, and it’s all awesome: paperweights, tea cups, books, earrings, nail polish, yoga gear… just in case you need help choosing something, but you know I just love presents, anyway, so whatever you decide on will be wonderful. I’ll be sure to save some of your favorite cookies for you!  😀

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Categories Brain Injury, Love, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, winter, Words

What It Is, and What It Isn’t

November 25, 2013 //
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It is a Monday. It isn’t a good or bad day, it’s barely even gotten started.

Yesterday evening I had a moment or two of down-deep grieving.

In one case, I experienced the pain and sorrow of seeing people dear to me behave in completely unacceptable ways, and however understandably so, still not okay.  Lingering concerns ride shotgun with me this morning as I ready myself for the day.

In the other case, the wee fish Wyatt surprised me after work by being dead.  That’s just not ever a fun sort of surprise.  As life lessons go, I would have preferred another day, a different fish, or not at all.  I wept without reservations, and found comfort with my partner, who was near-by reading, and as surprised as I was.  He’d also been enjoying looking in on the new guy now and then and had seen him moving about contentedly earlier in the day.  (Oddly, this bit of grief felt so intense in the moment, and seems to have passed.  To be fair, Wyatt had only been mine for about 5 days.  He hadn’t even left quarantine. )

I took it pretty hard in the moment, tears and a feeling of failure, blaming myself – what did I/didn’t I do?  As my emotions began to ramp up my partner turned up, put his hand on me gently and said ”fish die”.  My whole being paused for just a moment, hearing that.  Well, of course. “Fish die.” Yes, they do. Things that live eventually become something that died. Fish, people, dreams… “Fish die.”  It was simple, true, and an observation in the moment that helped me become grounded and calm.

I’m pretty human. I do have a brain injury, and post-traumatic stress. Keeping an aquarium is new for me, and filled with complex process work – I study the tasks and processes that support life in my aquarium as though there is going to be a final exam at the end of the semester. Of course there is; fish die.  It is my honor and responsibility to create a habitat for my fish that supports life for them, that allows them to thrive, not merely endure.  That sense of responsibility is one I bring to my other relationships, too, a step beyond ‘above all do no damage’.

I did some science-y stuff to ensure I learn what I can from the experience: tested the water, looked for process missteps (found a couple that ought not have proved fatal, but better attention to details would have prevented them nonetheless). I observed the environment closely after the fact and made notes about improvements on the next quarantine, and checked those observations against my thriving community tank to ensure I wasn’t carry errors from one to the other.  I made notes improving process steps for my quarantine tear-down/set up checklist. I took a few deep breaths, and said good-bye to Wyatt.  I cried. I cried like a little girl to find him dead.  Some of life’s curriculum is pretty deep.

Today is an entirely new experience. I woke calm this morning, and curious what the day will hold. I slept well and deeply.  I sit, sipping  my coffee, and considering the struggles we have as beings, some shared, some that feel so solitary.  I contemplate the choices we make, and how easily we can choose and choose again, and rage against the outcome of our own choices, seemingly unaware that if the outcome is repeatable, and predictably follows a specific identifiable choice, then we utterly control that experience, not only through our reactions to it, but through the choices that bring us there.  Don’t want it? Don’t choose it.  Simple enough, generally, however tough we may make the process of making a different choice.

Today I choose compassion. I choose tenderness. I choose kindness. Today I choose to smile; there is a lot to smile about. Today I choose eye-contact and conversation; we all spend far to much time feeling alone. Today I choose to change the world.

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, gardening, grief, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships

Novelty and Growth

November 5, 2013 //
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This one is fairly practical. Each day I begin with meditation goes a little better than one I begin any other way, a simple enough observation about my experience.  Another simple observation, my arthritis sometimes finds me almost too stiff to move first thing, and between the stiffness and the pain, comfortably meditating can be challenging.

This morning I happened to read an article that referenced Makka Ho stretches, which I’d never been exposed to before, and following the link to the video I tried a new [yoga] sequence this morning that really felt good, and simple enough to comfortably work into my routine before meditation.  Then my curiosity had me looking further, following links, reading more – you know how that goes, right?  I followed up on the reference to Wu Tao dance, and found this video.  I find myself feeling willing to dance again. That alone is worth so much.  I loved to dance before I busted up my back, before the arthritis set in, before I got so fat I could barely move… and although the excess weight is mostly gone, and the yoga results in a far more flexible me, the strange self-conscious reluctance to move freely has remained. How sad! I love to move!

I’m not ‘a dancer’ in the way a professional dancer is, not even close, not even a little bit. I am human, though, and the sensuous feel of rhythmic movement is wonderful for me. I love that experience. It’s been so long… Wu Tao looks very gentle, and not at all like the sort of dancing that comes most naturally to me.  This could be a valuable adventure in growth, and a good experience.  🙂  Novelty. Growth. Experience. (Let’s not bullshit around about it, though, I want to dance because dancing feels good and I miss it. 😀 )

However many books I may read about dancing, not one of them can replace the experience of movement.

However many books I may read about dancing, not one of them can replace the experience of movement.

I would share a picture of me, dancing, it would be apropos…but there are none. Not any. Not even one. I haven’t danced, really danced, freely danced without inhibition and anxiety, since before digital cameras. How fucking sad is that? lol.

Time to head into the world. Another day to be mindful, to bring the Big 5*, to smile – another day to dance.  Today I will change the world.

*My Big 5 are Respect, Reciprocity, Consideration, Compassion, and Openness. I practice applying them in every interaction, every relationship, every day. 😀

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Categories Anxiety, Art, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Turning 50

Some of the Details, Some of the Questions

November 4, 2013 //
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No pictures, few words today.

Researching other opportunities for study last night I was moved and inspired to contemplate ‘being a student’ as I read review after review of a variety of books about meditation. I felt disappointed that so many were written with the dictatorial tone of ‘The Expert’.  It even made me laugh a couple of times to find such reviews specifically about books that contain words like ‘beginner’ in the title itself.

I am still more about questions than answers, and it is clearly the path for me. I choose it.

I slept well, and woke ‘at my usual time’ – which is now 4 am, according to my body. I still don’t understand the need for daylight savings time; my sleep cycle and the way my medication is timed is all thrown off. lol.

I observed recently that re-framing a person or group’s ‘loss of freedom’ as consequently forcing them into a non-consensual action makes some people uncomfortable.  It seems reasonable to me that one would feel uncomfortable with forcing people to do things.

I enjoy laughter. I dislike cruel humor. I don’t always recognize (or appreciate) sarcasm.

How is it that I don’t feel ‘older’?

Does being dismissive about an idea or practice result in the outcome of the idea lacking value, or the practice being ineffective? Is open acknowledgement, acceptance, and the will to take action on an idea or practice enough to find value, or effectiveness?

Does an idea have to be ‘true’ to be effective? (Trick question there – it has an ‘easy’ ‘obvious’ answer. Digging deeper matters.)

What is ‘Will’? How am I robbed of it? Is my Will truly my own? How are Will and consent related?

I am still considering the nature of Identity and how our use of language defines or limits who we see ourselves to be and what our choices are. I suspect now that I may be considering this for many years to come.

Chakras? Why Chakras?

Here it is Monday. I’m about finished with my latte, and about to walk to work. My professional role is not the most significant thing about who I am. Considering its relative insignificance, I am annoyed with how much of my precious limited mortal time it consumes. 🙂

So… I go forth into the world with more questions than answers, eyes wide with wonder, and hopeful. Today I am kind. Today I am compassionate.

Today I will change the world.

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Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, Logic & Reason, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Words
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