Archives for posts with tag: contentment

Or…let go. Either way, your call. We’re each having our own experience. (I say that a lot.) This morning is one such customized, personalized, choice-defined, observation-limited, individual experience. I’m having it now. So are you.

A picture of a moment; evening at the train station.

A picture of a moment; evening at the train station.

It’s a lovely quiet morning after a very pleasant evening. My traveling partner cooked dinner last night; his cooking is very good, and I was fortunate to arrive home in time to share the evening meal with both my partners. My work hours often get in the way of that simple joy, and that is a recognized trade-off so many of us make in adulthood; we give up some small pleasure in order to convert more of our limited precious mortal time into… cash. That’s really all a job is for many of us – it’s a way to convert time into cash money using effort and skill to make the exchange ‘fair’ (in theory). Looked at that way, it’s so important that we not be wasting our most precious, most finite personal resource on something that doesn’t support our basic needs, or something that is a bad (or hurtful) experience, or even simply one we don’t enjoy. When the pay off is good, it’s sometimes hard to remember to choose to treat myself well, and make choices that truly meet my needs over time. That surprises me a little, thinking about that challenge in light of the observation that employment is basically a conversion process of turning my time into money…because that would mean that every cent in value I am paid was already mine – in time, and the potential to make use of it – and the exchange rate may  not be that fair, considering how precious time actually is, for each of us.

Something to think about; I matter to me. The time I ‘spend’ on someone else’s needs (particularly for their profit) needs to be truly worth it to me; I can’t get the time back. Every minute ‘spent’ is simply gone…and I’m not exactly keeping a budget. Have I balanced my ‘checkbook’ and made sure I know where my time is going?

Metaphors – just one more way I entertain myself while I learn. 😉

I read a friend’s manuscript last weekend. I’m fortunate to be asked to do such a favor – not only because it was an exciting read, and I enjoyed it, but also because it inspired me on another level.  As I was walking to work yesterday, a character developed in my thoughts, her experience began to draft itself, her history and family began to become ‘real’, and a plot started to gel in my imagination. Manuscripts, though, are a bit like unfinished sentences; most of them stay that way. Unfinished. (I have a decent beginning of a novel somewhere in my files… never finished. lol) This, though, feels different… So, I made some notes yesterday, and this weekend I’ll do some research to flesh out the bits that need that attention. I may even write. Sometime down the road I may even finish it. 🙂

My coffee is slowly growing cold. I don’t have more to say this morning, really. I’m in a lot of pain this week and it sends my thoughts skittering away from deeper subjects, as often as it pulls me into sorrows. Meditation is both helpful and difficult. Yoga, the same; nearly necessary for freedom of movement, slow going, and although worth it, quite difficult. Words are easy, but I don’t seem to have so many this morning…

Today is a good day to take care of me, and a good day to consider the discomfort of others, too. Today is a good day to enjoy small pleasures and a to take a moment to really value them. Today is a good day to hear compliments, and enjoy them with humility and gratitude.  Today is a good day to cherish my skills, my experience, and my decision-making, most of which serve me well, much of the time. Today is a good day for enough, and a good day for contentment. Today is a good day to change the world.

This is no ordinary Sunday morning. Well, okay, it is. A dull gray rainy Sunday morning on which I woke without the alarm, did some leisurely yoga to regain my freedom of movement, soaked in a hot shower to ease my arthritis pain, took some timeless moments to meditate, and made a latte. It’s a rather nice Sunday morning, actually.  I enjoy the rain, and the soggy gray sky. The only thing that seems a bit out of the ordinary is that this Sunday precedes a workday. It’s been some weeks now since setting the alarm clock would be necessary, and I’m very aware that tomorrow is a return to a different sort of routine.

Changes in routine can be emotionally difficult for me, although I’m also quite adaptable.  This morning I find that my response to the internal question ‘Am I ready?’ turns out to be ‘Aren’t I always?’. The smile attached to the thought feels friendly and safe, comfortable, self-assured. I’m good at work, and the skills I bring to my professional life are generally something I can comfortably count on.

There have been moments when feelings of frustration that ‘this wasn’t enough time’ or that ‘I don’t know how to invest my time in me the way I think I need to’ and moments when I wasn’t sure taking this time has been ‘worth it’ or when I felt I had somehow ‘failed to do what I needed to’.  This morning it is more clear that those fears are unfounded. I’ve had limited time to work with, and it coincided with the biggest holidays in my year, too. What I’ve accomplished for myself, to meet my own needs, and work on my own agenda, has actually been pretty significant – and includes ‘finding my focus’  – the next big piece of my puzzle to slip into place for the upcoming who-knows-how-long. A month well-spent, from my perspective, considered on this last Sunday before I return to work.

  • I have had time and opportunities to practice mindfulness at my leisure, on tasks large and small, both solitary and shared, without the pressures of a rigid schedule distracting me.
  • I have had the freedom to meditate any time I needed to, or wanted to, without any need to ‘set a timer’.
  • I’ve been able to improve my everyday yoga practice, and really take time learning and practicing new asanas, new modifications, and new sequences.
  • I got to enjoy the holidays ‘at full throttle’ without having to interrupt my fun every 12 hours to go back to work and do unrelated, significantly less fun stuff for someone else.
  • I’ve had time to read, and enjoyed having the time and focus to read deeply, even taking time to cross-reference and follow-up on cited references in really engaging articles, and books. (I have started and finished 7 actual books in the past couple weeks.)
  • I’ve had some time to get to know this person I call ‘me’ – I’ve changed a lot over the past year, particularly, and although there is more to work on, to understand, to learn, to practice – it’s been wonderful having time to step back a bit and look me over, and see what is important in the now.
  • I got plenty of sleep – and learned that a significant portion of my disturbed sleep may be due to the background stress of work, and the commitment to someone else’s agenda, that isn’t being skillfully set aside at the end of work days.
  • I began to explore sculpture and 3 dimensional creativity, crafting miniatures for my partner’s fairy gardens, and crafting colorful figurines to express my feelings, or share my experience, when words fail me.
Expressions. A very fun bit of what I've been up to this year. :-D

Expressions. A very fun bit of what I’ve been up to this year. 😀

  • I worked out simpler statements to clarify my needs, my boundaries, and my understanding of some fundamentals, which has improved my ability to communicate – with myself, as well as with others.
  • I laughed a lot. I cried some. I got closer to my partners.
  • I learned more about the nature of intimacy, and how very earnestly I want to be good at it.
  • I explored things about who I am that have nothing at all to do with pain, or trauma.
  • I changed up my personal space and some of my every day practices to enhance parts of my experience I really love, but struggled to enjoy comfortably.
  • I rediscovered how much there is to talk about beyond employment.

Looked at that way, it’s clear the time wasn’t wasted, and that any perceived ‘failures’ are chosen perceptions, associated with personal baggage, nothing more. (Sorry you had to slog through all that, and thank you for taking the time to sit through it with me while I took a look at it.)

So, here it is, the last Sunday before I got back to work. I am okay with going back to work, for now, and it’s nice to feel confident that at any time I really need to, I can set all that aside and go home and take care of me.  Hell, from a perspective of contentment and sufficiency, I’m pretty sure I have ‘enough’ to get by on, anytime, and find real satisfaction and joy in my experience of living. That’s a new thing… I hope to nurture it, and grow it, perhaps even gain some understanding of what makes contentment thrive. Contentment feels very good.

Today I am content and secure. Today I am kind and compassionate. Today I love and play at leisure, nurturing my heart through mindful enjoyment of everyday pleasures. Today I will change the world. ❤