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A Turning Point

November 1, 2017 //
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It’s been an unpleasant few days being sick with the flu. Leaving early from work Friday was a turning point; I’d gotten much sicker than I realized was likely, and it was time to recognize that and just go home, go to bed, and take care of myself. Last night, although I woke up to pee a couple times during the night, it was well past 2 am before I was up having a hot cup of tea to ease my sore throat, and congestion. I turned things over in my head carefully; I’d actually “slept through midnight” for the first time in 11 days. I considered my current symptoms with care. Would I go in to the office today?

My thoughts were interrupted by a breath-stealing, chest-wracking, gut-wrenching coughing fit – but I was finally actually coughing up the garbage that had settled in my lungs. There was real relief when the fit of coughing was finally over. A feeling of actual improvement. Another turning point. Clearly, I also wasn’t quite ready to return to the office, because a single fit of coughing so violent it takes a grown women to her knees with the force of it, and can’t easily be “kept quiet” in an office environment in which everyone is quietly on the phone, is not a good fit. So, one more work from home day, but… as this stand from my perspective this morning… I’m ready to get back to work tomorrow. 😀 That’s even a pleasant thought.

I was up for a little while sipping tea in the wee hours. It definitely does ease some of the discomfort of my flu symptoms, so why wouldn’t I? Sleep? lol As if. It was the discomfort of my symptoms that woke me. Tea for the win! I went back to bed after some little while, and whether I slept deeply, dreaming that I was awake, until I woke (one possibility) or lay quietly, wakefully, as time passed (another definite possibility), I woke still feeling that clear sense of “getting better” in a more obvious way. I’m soooooo happy to be finally feeling like I am actually recovering. Being sick sucks.

I did work yesterday – from home. It was an okay day, I think I’ve “let it go” largely because I don’t want to deal with it. I did have to make the drive to work early in the morning to retrieve my laptop (I was too sick Friday to think to bring it, even though I knew there was a chance I’d want to work from home on Monday.) and on the return trip I got rear-ended – again – while stopped at a signal light. I was pretty fucking aggravated by that.

This one makes 3 times I’ve been rear-ended at a stop since I started driving the car to and from work. Wtf?? I keep checking my tail lights and break lights as if it just must be that my lights are out… or… something? Nope. Distracted drivers. This one didn’t hit me hard, and immediately through their car into reverse, abruptly pulled a u-turn, and tore off in the opposite direction. I didn’t even have time to do more than watch in my rear view mirror as they did. (So pissed. Seriously? Put down that fucking phone.) Aside from that bit of adventure, though, the day seemed fairly routine aside from being Halloween, which didn’t affect me much working from home. I was unusually moody, overly emotional, prone to negative thinking and self-criticism verging on self-loathing, which was also an unpleasant context for my work experience. When it ended, I puttered around taking care of myself, and crashed out fairly early, but at an almost normal time of evening, and managed to avoid taking my own moody bullshit personally; I’ve been sick, that’s all.  🙂

So here it is… time to begin again. 😀

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Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, health, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Well, Then This…

October 31, 2017 //
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Staying home yesterday was the right choice. The small amount of effort exerted happily tidying up the smallest bit, while my energy level was high in the early morning, completely wiped me out. Not a set back, specifically, but definitely a clear warning sign that I’m not yet well. By mid-day, symptoms like dizziness, and that infernal headache, had gone completely, and I didn’t need to sleep all day. (Yay!!) So… definitely feeling “better”…but… then, sometime later in the day, the coughing got going on this whole other unnecessarily annoying level…and then… ouch. The muscles supporting my ribs, along my sides, not quite around toward my back, definitely involved in coughing…and… definitely not ready for all of this coughing. Something sprung, or pinched, or tweaked, or… both sides, now, every cough, there’s also muscle pain sharp in my awareness, not quite to the torn muscle severity, but god damn it hurts when I cough. 😦 How the ever-loving-fuck do I avoid coughing as I recover from the fucking flu???

I went to bed. Slept… okay… ish. For most values of “sleep” and “okay”. I woke often. Drinking this much tea, water, coffee… it’s a given. So there’s that. And the coughing. And the pain. I so do not want to go to work today. I could get some shit done here, though… I’m up to that. So it isn’t really the work, itself, that I’m not up to at this point – it’s the environment. I’m not up to it, and it’s not really the appropriate place to bring all this fucking loud coughing. (I sound like I’m literally dying of some horrible disease of the respiratory system, it’s hard to listen to.) (Not only that, but sitting near me would also subject someone to listening to my damned lungs making percolating noises while I breathe. lol Again, not the picture of vibrant health one expects from a coworker, generally.) Nor do I wish to expose others to this (although I already have – and omg, I am so sorry!!). So… this morning, my coffee, the trip to the office to grab my laptop and back home to “go to work”. Like… double the commute. <sigh> Yes, but also… heated seats. My arthritic back does like some time on the heated seat. 🙂

I just want to be well. lol I wake up making childish bargains with the universe (“If you just let me get through today without… “) that never work out (because that’s not how life works). I’m managing to take decently good care of myself, and it was lovely waking up this morning to a tidy little place, a clean kitchen, a sense of order, and a fireplace ready for me when I want it. That was one bonus out of the day, yesterday; the landlord was on site doing winterization stuff around the duplex (and no doubt other locations in the area), and stopped in to turn on the pilot light for the gas fireplace. 😀 It was pretty nice to enjoy the evening in the glow of a merry little fire, then also just switch it off at bed time. I enjoyed it so much that before bed I put a sticky note on the switch that says “this too costs cash”. lol

Still sick. My coffee is good, though (and my sense of taste is returning). I’m decently well-rested in spite of the very interrupted night. I’m clearly in the process of “getting well”, it’s just taking rather longer than I’d like. It’s a good opportunity to bring the work laptop home, and get back to work, even if I am not ready to get back to the office… It’s just time to begin again. Slowly. With great care. 🙂

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Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, Frustration, health, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Still Sick, Pretty Tired of It

October 29, 2017 //
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I woke with a cough to a misty autumn morning. It is clear that it has recently rained. The mist hangs in the trees, visible across the street, and obscuring any view slowly developing through the trees at the edge of the deck, as their leaves fall. I break a sweat wrapping my fuzzy warm bathrobe around myself. I am dizzy as I make my coffee. The coughing persists.

It’s only a weekend, and it is looking like I will probably still be sick when Monday comes around. Oh sure, perhaps less so than on Friday, but still… sick. Officially an entire week being ill. If I’d had any doubt about this being no-kidding-influenza, those dissipated like autumn mist sometime on Friday. Few things keep me ill for so long. Having had all but 2 annual flu shots since 1978, and even getting vaccinated against pneumonia in 2009, I rarely actually come down with the flu, or if I do, it lasts no longer than a mild head cold. I’m sorry I’ve been so cross and whiny about it. I don’t like being sick, really, at all.

Today I will have to stir beyond this dwelling, like it or not; I will use my last dose of one cold symptom medication and would be wise to replace it. I don’t really want to go out at all.

I’ve done literally nothing but sleep and undertake the most basic self-care this weekend. The housekeeping is piling up. I have been pretty easily able to pay it no mind – I’m sick, and have no fucks to give, so… yeah. This morning, though, the little waste baskets each full to overflowing with used tissues, and (god damn it) again with dishes in the sink, I find myself at least aware of my surroundings and circumstances. I may attempt to bring some order, later, but for now I am still too dizzy-tired-not-yet-awake for any of that.

I notice that the most recently opened tissue box is not at hand… I wonder apathetically where I might have left it, until I really do need it, then I interrupt my moment to go find the damned thing. My coffee is almost done, and instead of a second, I think of maybe going back to bed. lol Being sick is less than ideally productive. Maybe tomorrow I can earnestly begin again…?

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Categories anhedonia, autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, health, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Taking Care of the Woman in the Mirror

October 28, 2017 //
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I succeeded in sleeping in this morning, until almost 8:30 am. It mattered less that I also woke basically every two hours during the night, or that I was awake for two hours, sometime around midnight, than that I was able to simply keep sleeping until the thought of being awake no longer seemed like a compromise of my most basic self-care. I was up for a couple of hours. I watched some entertaining videos. I scrolled through Facebook. I showered and handled basic hygiene and self-care tasks (most easily accomplished while I am awake).

I went back to bed, and slept through much of the afternoon, waking more or less around tea time, which is to say, around 3pm. I woke a number of times, but a quick check on my consciousness found me choosing more sleep, each time, until this last time, when I chose, at last, to wake and even to get up. I had to pee. Not getting up wasn’t really an option. I didn’t go back to bed, but mostly only because I didn’t want more sleep any more than I wanted to be awake, and since I was already awake, and up, I simply decided to continue along that path awhile. lol I’m not terrifically engaged with the moment, the fire of my natural presence flickers. Clearly I am ill. So… a fresh cup of hot tea. A new moment. I am on auto-pilot, and only barely truly awake. I am uncertain where the evening may take me.

I am hungry. The amount of work involved in feeding myself doesn’t seem at all appealing. The sorts of foods I could order? Don’t seem at all appealing. So. Here I sit. Hungry and doing nothing whatsoever about it. Thinking about taking action on the food thing, I find myself contemplating going back to bed instead… I would not notice any feelings of hunger if I were asleep… It would be easier.

I sip my tea. It is hot, bland, basically flavorless. I’m sick and nothing tastes good, really. I think about how easily I could heat up some chicken soup, though… Chicken soup, with Rick & Morty… or chicken soup with Archer… or chicken soup with Harry Potter, South Park, or Samurai Champloo… or chicken soup with a favorite book… I chuckle when I realize that I am more interested in the chicken soup itself than any accompanying entertainment. Okay, okay – chicken soup then. No problem. I’ve got plenty made. I find myself feeling somewhat buoyed by the thought of rich hot broth, chunks of chicken meat, veggies stewed in the flavorful broth, buckwheat noodles…

I lift myself from my chair with some awkwardness and stiffness. I barely notice the pain I am in, moment-to-moment, because flu symptoms suck so much, but there it is, when I move. I stand with some difficultly, and wait a few seconds to be sure of my balance, before making my way to the kitchen. Chicken soup won’t heat itself. lol One obvious downside to living alone; I’ve always got to be the one fetching tissues or mugs of tea, or heating up the soup. 🙂

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Categories anhedonia, autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, health, Healthy Living, Metaphors, Mindfulness, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Then There Was This Other Morning

October 25, 2017 //
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My sleep continues to be restless and interrupted by the inconvenience of being ill. It’s not as bad as it was, and my symptoms continue to improve, nonetheless I am sleeping like crap. I woke several times during the night, briefly, and got up once to sip a soothing cup of tea before returning to sleep. I woke to the alarm, which seemed needlessly loud, and a pounding headache, which… hurts. I woke feeling tired. I plod along as the morning continues. I feel uninspired.

It’s definitely obvious that I’m not feeling well, when I look around the house. I experience a moment of real annoyance, which suggests I’m also feeling better for real. My housekeeping definitely suffers when I’m sick. I almost had the energy to do something about the state of things, when I arrived home from work yesterday, but… I’d run out of spoons. I went to bed early, instead of doing any housework at all. The closer the weekend is, the more housework I’ll be cramming into less time, if I want the place to be tidy when I return home Sunday evening… or… I’ll have to allow myself to not do that, like, even at all, which… would be weird.

I sigh quietly looking at my “to do list”. It’s not really all that bad, it’s just… I’m sick and I really only want to go back to bed. lol Living alone does have, as one obvious consequence, the down side that I’ve got to take care of myself, and all of everything else besides, when I am sick. There’s no one else here to “pick up the slack” or take care of the laundry and dishes and whatnot when I’m not up to it. I’m mostly okay with shit just not getting done until I feel exactly enough better that I am once again aware that it matters to me after all… The trick, it seems, is to learn not to over-react and exhaust myself trying to get everything tidied up and put right when I finally do get going on it.

This morning I teeter on the edge of feeling sufficiently ill to just want to go back to bed, generally, and feeling enough better that it really really bothers me that there are dishes in the sink (because I was too dizzy-tired-weak to both empty the dishwasher of clean dishes, and also load it again with dirty ones). I’m seriously aggravated with myself for how untidy the kitchen is. I’m annoyed that the small trash cans placed here and there for convenience are all filled up with used tissues, particularly because it is trash pick up day, and if I hustled I could empty them all and take the trash down the driveway in time to be hauled away. I’m not yet ready to move quite so briskly. Shit.

I start feeling really frustrated with myself, and with being sick. I have shit to do!! The bang when I set my coffee mug down abruptly, more firmly that I realized I would, gets my attention. Oh hey, no kidding, this is really bugging me…

I pause and let myself really breathe for a moment or two. I correct my posture. I put aside writing long enough to allow myself to truly feel heard – by me – on the matter of the housekeeping. I sit with my aggravation for a little while, allowing myself to recognize how frustrating the situation is for me, being too sick to keep up on the housekeeping, because I associate (my) poor housekeeping with (my) symptoms of mental illness. My earliest obvious sign that I am struggling and perhaps disordered in my thinking, is often when my environment is also becoming disordered. I like order. Nothing wrong with that. I breathe, and contemplate my fondness for order. I accept that being sick leaves me with much less energy for physical work, and allow myself to compassionately acknowledge that this is what it is, and is very human. I remind myself there is no one here criticizing me; I am accountable to myself, sure, but also accountable to myself for treating myself well. I breathe, and relax, and find myself feeling more settled and comfortable, although eager to feel well enough to get on with things, which seems a healthier approach to the circumstances.

I add a couple things to my list that I’ll want to catch up on when I am able to do so. I promise myself that I’ll tackle the dishes by emptying the dishwasher this morning, and reloading it tonight after work. I find a couple other gentle compromises that get things done without tiring me. It’s enough.

I begin again…

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Categories anhedonia, Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, Frustration, health, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, The Art of Being, The Big 5
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