Archives for posts with tag: mental-health
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What’s It Worth To Ya?

February 19, 2013 //
2

A couple observations about ’emotional budgeting’:

  1. The most valuable thing I can build today is a better relationship with someone I love.
  2. The most expensive things I can break are someone’s heart, or someone’s will.

We each have limited resources… our choices matter today, and every day. I hope mine are wise today, and add value to my life and relationships, and enhance my experience in both meaning and quality. When I make mistakes, I hope I learn and grow from them, and have the wisdom to try something different next time.

 

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Categories Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Perspective, Relationships, Turning 50, Words

Calories, Cookies, and Communication

February 18, 2013 //
1

I believe I could still, to this day, easily eat an entire box of Girl Scout ‘Samoas’… but each one of those tasty temptations is 75 calories! A cookie just about 2″ across, with a hole in the middle… 75 calories. “One serving is 2 cookies.”. Huh. I believe, in practice, one serving is closer to one box. LOL. I enjoyed the two cookies, one serving, entirely mindfully… tasting the sweet caramel-y flavor… noticing for the first time the slight wax-y quality… savoring the chewy goodness… no ‘will power’ necessary, apparently… it’s pretty easy to eat just two cookies, it seems, by doing nothing else but experiencing the cookies in that moment.  Interesting.  I wonder if I would similarly be satisfied with less sex if I were able to willfully savor each element of those experiences in fullness, also? Sounds like a very fun bit of theory to validate… would emotional experiences be more profound, more meaningful, or more ‘valuable’ if I really… did something different… and felt more of/about the feeling? I’m not sure at this point what I am attempting to express… something that feels very important. Language itself is getting the way of communicating.

Let’s talk for a minute about that – about language impeding communication. “Language functions by agreement.” I’m certain I am quoting someone…but when I google the quote, I don’t find it cited anywhere/when. Frustrating. I’m quite sure it is not my original thought. lol. It seems true enough, though, doesn’t it? As logical propositions go, it’s hard to argue with productively. When we don’t have a shared definition of terms, it’s pretty easy for any two or more people to find themselves having very different conversations (and reaching different conclusions) than they – or some other participant, or audience member, may think they are having. Confusion and misunderstanding become easier (and more likely) than any real exchange of information, problem solving, or consensus building effort.

Let’s use those cookies as an example… If I say to a friend “I had a couple tasty girl scout cookies today.” and their understanding of ‘a couple’ is quite specifically ‘2’, and two cookies is what I had, then we obviously understand each other clearly. On the other hand, if I used ‘a couple’ more loosely, to indicate some ‘acceptably low number of cookies, not further specified’ and my friend understands me to mean ‘2’, and what I actually ate was an entire box of those cookies, we no longer have a meeting of the minds on simply how many cookies I ate, or a number of later possible topics of conversation… like… weight-loss goals, and personal concerns about achieving them, or matters of self-control and the relative ease or difficulty of maintaining it… Hmmmm… someone important once suggested I use ‘simple, clear language’ to be more easily understood.  I see the wisdom of it… but damn, there are sooo many fancy lovely words… I’d hate to see all those wasted! 😉

It’s a Monday, time to move on from words to numbers… I didn’t get much sleep last night, and find myself now both fatigued and distracted by things more important to me, than to the world, but the work day is here and I’ve a limited window of reliable alertness ahead of me, and putting the focus on the work at hand is now the thing. It’s a good Monday, though, a good day in general. I am, for now, enjoying my experience.

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, Turning 50, Words

Be My Valentine? How about I be my own Valentine?

February 14, 2013 //
8

Valentine’s Day is a strange sort of holiday in the US. Really the only holiday on our calendar that can be viewed as a fairly frank celebration of carnal and romantic love, it just isn’t about children, cherubs, deities, saints, religion – or even cards, flowers, or candy. It’s not. It’s about romance. It’s about sex. It’s about the erotic and sensuous in life and the things that excite us about Love. Oh, I’m sure there are pre-school children everywhere happily giving and receiving lovely red paper cards with cartoon characters, cherubs, or hearts on them, and no doubt people will give friends and parents, or even colleagues, cute cards of one sort or another with some sap-tastic message of affection, and in some years it seems history books and the internet all but eliminate any discussion of sex, let alone holidays that might be sexual… but seriously? Look again at that stylized heart, please? That’s pretty representative of female genitalia. That arrow? Huh. Don’t you think it is curiously suspect, and perhaps more than a little phallic? Sure, sure, hetero-centric obviously. If you’re willing to move past that with me, can we at least acknowledge that the messaging is predominantly sexual – and admit that’s totally ok? Why not have a holiday to celebrate how awesome sex is? My sexual identity, the meaning and value of my sexual experiences, are a large part of ‘who I am’. It would be nice, what with all the conservative right-wing anti-sex messaging, to have a more honest holiday celebrating sex… but as a culture we are clearly not there yet. (No doubt part of the price we pay for allowing Puritans to ‘found a nation’!)

I actually do ‘celebrate’ Valentine’s Day every year. It’s not about religion, or rituals, or necessity, or obligation. It’s not about Hallmark, spending money, or competitive gift giving. For me it is simply a day set aside on which I take a moment to express to my partners, individually, that they are precious to me as romantic sexual beings in my life, and that I value those qualities about them that make them sexy and exciting to me, qualities that feel good – qualities of emotion and elements of our sensuous experience together. This year, when I was writing the wee notes on the hand-sketched cards, I found myself in the midst of an eye-opening moment of self-appreciation… I was about to write ‘Be My Valentine’ on a card… it rang in my thoughts ‘Be Mine’… and although my consciousness quickly flashed through all the iterations of semantic weirdness that develop around that turn of phrase in a poly-amorous relationship, the thing that hit me hardest was… ‘what about me?’ (It wasn’t as hideously narcissistic as it may sound in the telling, now.)

I’ve been struggling a lot recently with some deeply meaningful personal challenges that are intertwined with deeply personal events in my life, troubling elements of my history, feelings of loss, anxiety, and fear, and trying to build healthy relationships while I destroy unhealthy bits and pieces of who I am, myself. Complicated self work and it drives a lot of difficult emotional experiences. A thought hit me last night, and I woke with something less half-baked and more of an epiphany this morning. On some levels, my life and experience really are entirely ‘all about me’ – and can’t be anything else.  It does matter to me when one of my partners is hurting through my actions, words, or choices – perhaps it has mattered too much. Their opinions, their evaluations, their judgements are still their own. I can’t own that, even if it causes me pain, and even if they are factually correct and reasonable in their view.  It’s my own opinion, evaluation, and judgement of myself and my actions, and choices, that must count most with me… or I face my life in constant pain, frustration, and disappointment, while lacking the potential joy in the good things about me that may go unnoticed by others. I’m the only one on the inside of my experience. I’m the only one who hears my words from within my thoughts, and the only one who truly knows my heart. I am the only person in my life who has been along for the entire journey.  I have been letting hurt – my own and my lovers’, come between my existence and my experience (that probably doesn’t convey what I’m trying to say…).  I love my partners.  Their hurts matter to me enormously.  Their insights into my strengths and weaknesses are valuable to me.  I have a great respect for what they share with me about their perspective on who I am, and what their experience with me is like for them… and this morning I actually understand that this doesn’t change that their perspective, and their experience, are not mine.  How very liberating this feels!

I’m 49. I am living an amazing life, filled with tragedies, triumphs, pain, fun, confusion, trauma, learning, joy, opportunities, chances, choices – both good and less so – and this wild ride is far from over.  I have an amazing – if slightly damaged – brain, and a creative drive that is astonishing to live with. I have a compassionate nature at this point in my life that causes me great joy, now, and great shame for the way I treated people when I was younger. I have some measure of wisdom, largely gained through profound errors in judgement and poor decision-making. I know how to cry, and I am also a woman of proven strength, will, and candor. I’m funny. I’m wordy. I enjoy the things that give me pleasure with a will to surrender to those moments that most people don’t seem willing to explore. I grieve the things that hurt me most with a frightening level of abandon, and a clear lack of control, that scares me. I am a reasoning, free-will adult with decades of experience. I am sometimes a child, still too eager to please.  I am sexy… stronger than I know, and always when I need it most… prepared for more things that I can list, and well able to plan for anything.  I love a lot of who I am.  How did I lose sight of that? Because someone I love got mad at me? Because I disappointed someone? Made some bad choices? I think this year, I will be my own Valentine – and love me for all the wonderful things I do for me, how well I have survived thus far, and the amazing potential I have in my future.

Happy Valentine’s Day. I don’t belong to someone else (neither do you!) – I think I will ‘be mine’.

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Categories Anxiety, Art, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Turning 50, Words

Easy, Light, Calm

February 13, 2013 //
1

Today is better. Today is good, actually. What makes the difference? Hell, I guess if I knew that I’d write a self-help book and rule the world! (Instead I blog) Things calmed down yesterday… that is to say, I calmed down yesterday. Coasted through the remainder of the evening quietly with my family.  It was nice. Some odd vibes here and there; I’m extremely sensitive to, and aware of, other people’s emotional state, but inconveniently enough that often doesn’t include a real understanding of what that state may be, or an understanding of its relevance to me.  Still, an enjoyable evening overall, and I took steps to take care of me, and that seems to have worked out inasmuch as today is good.

This morning I read some interesting articles that seem apropos of life in general – mine at least. One article about the benefits of Love for stress reduction put a smile on my face by confirming my own experience with Love, which is that I’m less stressed overall, less anxious less frequently, more positive, and generally good-natured and fun to be with when Love is good.  I smiled a bit sheepishly reading an article about whether ‘positive people’ are annoying… and was delighted to find it is also a good article with some tips on breaking negative thinking cycles. I sometimes get ‘stuck’ in some negative thinking, myself, and I know how hard I find it to recognize and accept help breaking the cycle. It’s as if, for me, the chemical experience of a specific intense emotion has a ‘half life’ – like being on a drug – and it takes time to finish its course or break down in my blood stream, or… damn it, Science, help me out here! Speaking of Science (weren’t we?) I also read an article today supporting therapeutic use of cannabis for PTSD; the State of Oregon is considering a senate bill (281) to add PTSD to the list of ‘qualifying conditions’ for their medical marijuana program. That’s good news for a lot of people in emotional pain and turmoil, since anything at all that actually works is better than the entire rest of everything that doesn’t actually work much at all.

So…here it is, another day. So far a good one. What will I make of it from here? How will I deliver my best effort to the world, and to my lovers? How do I hang on to what I love most about myself, and build on that, and leave behind what sucks most about me? How do I take other people, and their emotions, needs, and experience, less personally and still honor and respect them? Friday is just two days away… and there is so much to learn about who I am, about living mindfully, about loving well…

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, medical marijuana, Menopause, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Turning 50

Sometimes It’s Hard…

February 12, 2013 //
1

…Sometimes it’s hard to tell that it’s easy. I feel things. Let’s call them… ‘feelings’. I know things, or think I do… and for now I’ll call those ‘facts’ while admitting I’m pretty sure that’s not true very often. Still, the fact-y bits are largely what drive my expectations of life…and my ‘feelings’ are, or so I’ve been lead to believe, my responses to the fact-y bits of life going on around me. Except… I don’t think that’s true at all sometimes. There are a few fact-y bits that are fuzzy to the point of being at best wishful, and at worst malicious lies. Are the feelings that result from something that isn’t real, or isn’t true, or is completely misunderstood… real?

Today wasn’t bad, really. An appointment, easily handled. An office visit, another small victory amidst some vaudevillian confusion, and hey – traffic was light and I got a good parking space. For a morning at the VA, I call it a win… but… trying to talk about it at home afterward, and somewhere along the way my mood veered toward madness and I found myself storming off, confused, angry, and anxious. What the hell? I’m not sure what was wrong at all. I don’t know what I was mad about, either… I get angrier than angry, out of no where, over nothing. Fucking hormones. What else was there to do? I walked awhile… and noticed I was near the library. I had no idea it was so close to home. I took time to check it out, and get a brand new library card. (I still like paper books.)

Angst sucks. Why all the drama and tears? Why the fuss and nonsense, all that pointless anger and frustration? There it is though, getting all in the way of having a good time… no one likes it. Too many tears, too much anger, too much stress… and if it is all an illusion, what then? What was it worth? (By the way, before you ask, I also suck at those executive stress toys like puzzles on a string, and such.)

I found some peace in the walking, and when we were all home together the hugs and hanging out felt good.  I feel a bit like Pandora’s box, though… and it is so much effort to remain open to Hope.

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Turning 50, Words
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