Archives for posts with tag: mindfulness matters

Morning Meditation

January 15, 2020 //

This morning I woke ahead of the alarm clock, feeling rested. I did some yoga. I showered. Made coffee. Dressed for work. I hadn’t yet checked the weather, but so far “snow-pocalypse” has been fairly disappointing, and I wasn’t worried about the weather, because I arrived home last night prepared to work from home this morning. Instead of fussing about the weather, I took time for meditation, no timer. It was a lovely start to the morning.

(I still don’t know what the weather may be like, and still haven’t checked.)

Now, I am sipping my coffee and considering things. Mostly things I am grateful for. It’s not exactly “prayer” – but it isn’t entirely unlike prayer, I suppose. I’m not conscientiously cataloging gratitude-worthy moments, or events, or people, either. More like I’m allowing my thoughts to go where they wish, and as they do, I’m making a point to definitely feel gratitude for things that I happen to be grateful for. It’s an exercise in appreciate, in awareness, and in observation, and I feel lifted up every day that I do this particular practice.

(There’s so much in life to be grateful for.)

My coffee is precisely as I like it. I sip it with contentment, and wonder briefly why no other coffee really tastes quite like this first carefully crafted pour-over in the morning? I let that thought go, and welcome the next. One by one, they turn up, and then depart. Moments considered. It’s been a good week so far, and even my pain has been generally fairly well-managed, which tends to result in being in a “better mood” just as generally. It’s nice. I think about valued co-workers and some exceptionally satisfying positive interactions in this young new year. Promising. I mull over the past year of living with my Traveling Partner, and smile; it’s been delightful to enjoy so much of his company. I appreciate his presence. I think about practical details that are worthy candidates for gratitude, right down to the small details like doors that lock, indoor plumbing, refrigeration, and electric lights; life would be different – very different – without those. I take a moment to appreciate connectivity, and then to appreciate the vast improvement in my day-to-day experience that resulted from giving up social media; those experiences exist side-by-side in a meaningful way, and there’s something to be learned from that, beyond this moment. I sit quietly, absorbed in my thoughts, suffused with a feeling of contentment.

(I allow myself to be distracted by the clock on my monitor for an instant.)

My seamless fabric of grateful musing begins to unravel with distractions. I haven’t put on earrings. My coffee is almost cold – and almost finished. Will I drive or take the train today? Will it actually snow? I wonder what we’ll have for dinner tonight? I wonder if there are “any cool shows on” tonight? I haven’t put on perfume. Did I actually brush my hair? Is my backpack ready for the day? I didn’t forget my laptop or hub, did I? Did I manage not to wake my partner while I dressed? I wonder if today will be sunny? How is my author friend doing? Or that one DJ friend of mine? Or the friend with a new baby? Should I get back in the habit of writing paper letters, and hand-drawing and water-coloring note cards? Oh, I already finished my coffee… I wonder who will be elected president this next time? Shit, the world’s going to hell so fast, it seems like. Where shall we go out for “date night” next time? Oh, hey, what time is it, now?

(I notice the endless possible distractions have lead me far from mindfulness and contentment. I take a deep breath, and another. I exhale. I relax. I bring myself back to now, and begin again.)

The heat comes on, reminding me of the cold morning temperatures beyond these windows and walls. I breathe deeply. I sit quietly. I’m not asking anything extraordinary of myself in this moment, just to be here, now, awake, aware, and listening, observing the world around me. I feel relaxed and contented. Calm. I experience this as a state of readiness, without agitation, or hyper-vigilance, simply present in this moment. I give myself over to a few minutes of simply being present and aware, without any agenda or concerns. It’s a good foundation for the busy work day ahead. I look at the clock. It’s definitely time to begin again. 🙂

Tags be here now, be the change, begin again, breathe, contentment, emotional self sufficiency, endless possible distractions, focused awareness, gratitude, how to meditate, listening deeply, MBSR, meditation, mindfulness matters, more grateful than wary, no snow today, perspective, ptsd, TBI, there are verbs involved, this moment right here, walking my own path, we become what we practice, what is meditation?

Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, winter

One That Got Away

January 13, 2020 //

This morning’s blog post is sponsored by… a good night’s sleep. Which, sadly, has wiped from my memory all recollections of even the hint of the excellent idea I had for this morning’s writing, as I drifted off to sleep last night. LOL It is what it is. I didn’t even attempt to take notes, as I sailed off to dreamland. I just fell soundly asleep and forgot all about it. Oh, but what a lovely night’s sleep, though. 3 consecutive nights of good sleep! A recent-past milestone, for sure. I sip my coffee, trying to pull myself out of this sleepy fog, grateful to have slept decently well.

I think about the weekend. It was generally quite pleasant. I think about my Traveling Partner, asleep in another room. I did my best to avoid waking him as I made coffee and dressed for the day. I doubt I was successful, but the house is still quiet, so maybe I was. I smile, either way I am filled with delight that he is here with me. I persist in enjoying his companionship greatly. 🙂

I consider the morning commute; drive or take the train? The weather forecast suggests the train will be the more reliable choice, with the forecast hinting at maybe snow, but I do enjoy the drive time in the morning… and I’ve got a good parking location that is low risk of collisions and other misadventure. Light rail lets me read on the commute into the office, though, and this year I’ve been steadfast with my commitment to read more (and I’ve been greatly enjoying it). I flip-flop on the matter of the commute a few times before deciding to actually check today’s weather report. 37 degrees (F) and rainy, with some chance of snow. Hmmm. It does sound like light rail is the way to go this morning… but… I also have AWD on my compact SUV, and good all weather tires that were brand new last winter. I doubt I really have anything to worry about, but taking a minute to think it through over coffee, I decide to right the light rail, and avoid any commute-related concerns, at all.

No snow yet. We did get a shower of fine hail yesterday.

One by one the concerns of a new day rise to be dealt with, and fall away having been considered. I sip my coffee, relaxed and ready for a new Monday. I’m not immersing myself in work, yet, just contemplating the day in the loosest possible, wholly suited to any day at all, sort of way. I remember to consider my everyday carry, too; inclement weather is unkind to beautiful leather bags, and I remind myself that I have an outstandingly weather-ready smallish backpack, that will easily fit my laptop, and my clutch, and decide to leave my handbag behind for the day. Another small challenge, another practical solution. 🙂

I smile into my empty coffee cup; it’s already time to begin again. 🙂

Tags a brand new day, begin again, choose wisely, climate and weather, emotional self sufficiency, good self-care, love and lovers, MBSR, meditation, mindfulness matters, one moment at a time, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, there are verbs involved, walking my own path, we become what we practice, what matters most?, what's the forecast?

Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, winter

Another Monday, Another Coffee…

January 6, 2020 //

…And another new beginning. Maybe I’ll switch to tea? (Maybe I’m watching a lot of BBC programming…? lol) I chuckle to myself over some amusing recollection from some recently watched quiz show, then break out in a fit of sneezing (after moving a largish stack of paintings in order to make a file cabinet accessible, for later). It’s an entirely ordinary, very routine work Monday… but I still feel wrapped up in the weekend.

I said good morning to my Traveling Partner, he said good night to me, and went back to bed. A noise of some kind had woken me rather abruptly, and a bit early (about half an hour ahead of the alarm) – or I dreamed the noise. I don’t really know if there was an audible noise. Everything is very quiet now, aside from the sound of my fingers on the keyboard, and the traffic beyond the studio window, the world seems to sleep.

I see my therapist in a couple days. I feel a certain measure of comfort in that, as though having a greater-than-usual need to see my therapist for some reason (well… a notable meltdown during the holiday season, a bit of frustration here and there, some “clarity” worth reality-checking… yeah, I probably do need a bit of a follow up… lol). Certainly, knowing I have a reliably trustworthy (and exceptionally skilled) therapist, with whom to work, is a comfort all its own.

Life “feels busy”, almost to the point of being overwhelming – but I’m not yet overwhelmed, and I’m questioning that sensation. Is it simply a form of self-sabotage? Something that sometimes slows me down, or even halts my forward momentum, without really being anything of substance? Just a feeling? I think about workplace-gained project management skills, and tools I have used, and wonder, again, if those translate to use in “real life” – at home? I sip my coffee and consider the beautiful road map of the work my team did last year, which appears almost as an afterthought in our work tools… would I personally benefit from having that “world view” at home, of the projects most dear to me, the future goals I aspire to but struggle to achieve, the day-to-day miscellany that is larger than a task, more complex than an item on a to-do list, and grander than a chore; would I be getting more done if I “managed” those projects more professionally… less haphazardly? (The obvious answer seems to be “probably”…)

I sip my coffee and notice that my anxiety, absent when I woke this morning, is beginning to stir along with the thoughts of “getting things done”, and my concern that I could (fairly obviously) to more with my precious limited time. Before panic sets in on a Monday, I take some deep breaths, exhale slowly, and let all of that go. Another time will do. Now I put it all aside, and give thought to the lovely weekend that has just ended, and make time for gratitude, fond appreciation, and contented recollection. Why do that in such a deliberate way? Well, the answer with the least depth is “because it pleases me to do so, and feels very satisfying”, but it’s not the whole truth…

I make a point of reflecting on recent joyful memories, and gratitude, and appreciating the good in my life very specifically as a practice that tends to “correct for” my overly well-developed implicit negativity bias, resulting in a more positive experience of my own life, more compassionate perspective on the lives of others, and more ability to “bounce back” from stress or new trauma. Yep. Willfully savoring my best experiences, being grateful for those, and deliberately enjoying my life tends to both make my life generally more enjoyable, and also tends to allow me to more comfortably and easily actually enjoy it, in real-time, with less anxiety, and with less risk of my chaos and damage tripping me up, or triggering me for some unpleasant experience. Pretty convenient for me; I like sitting (or walking, or driving), and considering nice things of various sorts, this practice fits right in. 🙂 As practices go, an excellent example of a very effective practice that also feels very good to make the effort to actually practice. 😀

Rick Hanson, PhD, calls this favorite practice of mine “taking in the good” (it wasn’t my original idea, I learned it from him, with reinforcement and encouragement by my therapist). It was one of the easier practices to learn, and one of the most comforting and pleasant to do each day (I rarely forget to, it feels that good). Feel like taking 6 minutes to hear the author of Buddha’s Brain talk about it, himself?

I yawn, smile, and finish my coffee. It’s already time to begin again. 🙂

Tags a moment of gratitude, be here now, be the change, begin again, being and becoming, breathe, Buddha's Brain, do you feel like I do?, emotional self sufficiency, enjoy life, experience, feel the feelings, good self-care, life is a banquet, live live live!, MBSR, mindfulness, mindfulness for beginners, mindfulness matters, perspective, practicing gratitude, practicing the practices, ptsd, relationships, savor the experience, taking in the good, The Big 5, there are verbs involved, we become what we practice, what matters most?

Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, forgiveness, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Big 5

That’s Not How “Making Things Work” Works

January 5, 2020 //

I woke earlier than I needed to, this morning. No reason. Maybe I’d gotten enough sleep? My anxiety started to increase a few minutes after I woke. Yesterday morning was like this, too. There are steps to take, and they do work pretty well. The key detail is that I have to actually practice those practices. Reliably. Thinking about it isn’t particularly effective; however well I know that there are practices that help reduce my anxiety, doing them is what is required. Verbs. Action. Practice.

What works? Probably a lot of things. I started here. And here. And here.

What works for me, may not be what works for you – but that may not be an obvious certainty until you’ve tried them. So… what worked (for me) yesterday? Meditation. Good self-care. Positive self-encouragement. Taking a walk. And (for me) a bonus; my Traveling Partner was out of the house for a couple hours hanging out with a friend, and I got some much needed solo time (actual solitude, spent actually at home) in which to meditate (more), read, and find an hour of real ‘cognitive stillness” (no TV, no music, no notifications, no conversation, no other human presence…just… quiet). I recognize that the profound desire for “cognitive stillness” and solitude, isn’t a thing for which we all have a uniform need. Some people would definitely not enjoy that kind of deep, stark, uninterrupted stillness, and some people find solitude, itself, quite terrifying. Finding the practices that truly support our individual needs, and our own emotional wellness, is complicated. Try a lot of things. Stick with what works. Be mindful and compassionate with others; what works for you may not work for them. We are each having our own experience. 🙂

Sometimes it’s a good idea to take a minute, and sort things out.

I suspect that a considerable portion of my anxiety, right now, isn’t properly my own. I’m picking it up from relationships and circumstances, from the media news, and sort of “inheriting” the anxiety of people dear to me, as they work through their own baggage, and deal with their own deal. Nothing about that results in the anxiety being less real; it is what it is. I’m feeling feelings. The feelings are uncomfortable, and mess with my mind, and my emotional comfort. No reason to take it personally. I have practices to help with that. Practicing those works. (Talking or thinking about them, as practices, without practicing them, does not work at all. lol Just being real. There are verbs involved.)

Once I noticed the anxiety creeping in around the edges of my awareness again this morning, I immediately began taking steps. Breathing. Meditation. ~~Checking my email.~~ (Um, no. Not that last one. lol) A quiet cup of tea. A bit of reading. I look out the window thinking about taking a walk. The sun isn’t even up yet. It’s quite dark. So… too soon. lol Instead, I reflect on how meaningful and appreciated that few minutes walking yesterday really was.

It was a beautiful day for it. Clear, and chilly without being cold.

It felt good to be out on the trail. I was grateful for the paved path, and that I remembered my cane, which I am definitely needing for longer walks.

Blue skies and trees illuminated by sunshine became a smile on my face.

I found the walk challenging enough, between slippery bridges still wet from recent rain, and my aching ankle, and popping knee, that I only managed a (fairly gentle) 1.22 miles. It still felt great to be out there, just walking, alone with my thoughts.

Gnothi Seauton. I wisely choose not to walk a distance or paths I am not ready for, today.

The distance was shorter than I could easily cover, fairly recently, but I didn’t take the setback personally. I just enjoyed the walk I actually took. 🙂

It was enough to walk in the sunshine, smiling, watching the squirrels.

I find myself glancing through the blinds, now and then, while I write, this morning, hoping for another good day to take a walk. It looks rainy. My ankle and knee (opposite sides) ache. Letting that stop me is counterproductive for several reasons, so I maintain the intention of “getting out there” for at least a mile. I may try to do this every day…

How else will I see all the squirrels? lol

Tags 10 mindful minutes, be the change, begin again, breathe, emotional self sufficiency, MBSR, meditation, mindfulness matters, one step at a time, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, squirrel!, taking care of me, TBI, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, walk on, walk with me, walking meditation, walking my own mile, walking my own path, we become what we practice, what matters most?, where does this path lead?

Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, gratitude, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, solo hiking, The Art of Being, winter

Where Do I Go From Here?

January 2, 2020 //

Sipping my coffee on a routine workday morning, the answer seems pretty clear; wherever I choose to go, is the “where” that answers the question “where do I go from here?” No guarantee of an easy journey, obviously (isn’t that obvious? It is obvious, right? I mean… seriously?), but generally speaking, we chart our own course, as individuals, so long as we have the will to do so. I mean… the choices are ours (even the choice to refrain from actively choosing, which is, nonetheless, a choice). Getting hung up on outcomes and destinations is a lot of what makes the journey so fucking complicated, and often difficult. 🙂

Here’s a video my Traveling Partner shared with me the other day. It continues to resonate with me. It seems a timely share so soon after the New Year, particularly if you are prone to “resolutions”. 🙂

Today is a different day than yesterday. My Traveling Partner and I got past my bad moment. The connection and intimacy we followed it with resulted in some deeper conversations, about things troubling him, about things that continue to cause me unexpected distress and uneasiness. We are each so very human. We each do our best to soothe and support the other. We gently align on some basic ideas for the coming year (primarily the need to focus our attention, financially, on some specific things important to a comfortable future). The evening ended pleasantly. I slept fairly well, waking once or twice, briefly, but getting the rest I need. I woke in the wee hours, shortly before the alarm, just as he came to bed. We cuddled a while, until it was time for me to acknowledge the new day, and get on with things. I silently wish him “sleep well and rest deeply” as I rise from the bed, gently, to avoid waking him, hoping that thoughts he wrestled with through the evening and night give him some peace, at last.

How did we get past our rough moments in the morning, though? It was a small thing. He approached me so gently, checking in with me, and as he walked away, he said “I love you”. I didn’t expect it. I still felt so raw, so disrupted, so disappointed with life. Those simple words, in a dark moment of doubt, of feeling uncertain of being worthy of love at all… they turned my head, and reminded me more clearly to be kind to myself, too, and to give myself a break. Clearly, my partner was not rejecting me as a human being; once I could see that, once I allowed myself to see that, it was easier to let my own bullshit go.

Still… I’ll point out what looks obvious from the perspective of a new day; I get more “bang for my buck” resilience-wise, when I “work from within”, instead of allowing any measure of my sense of self, or sense of personal worthiness, to rest on the impression of me someone else may have. That may not be 100% realistic, as goals go. Love can complicate things a bit. We want the affection of those we love, so very much. Our individual baggage about love and relationships can twist our heads and hold us back. Yesterday’s challenge is a good reminder, too, that we can hold a lot of power over how someone else may feel, and without intending to wield that power at all a poorly chosen phrase, a careless word, a moment of anger, any of these can topple a lovely experience. It’s important to continue to choose to be the person I most want to be, and to continue to practice loving kindness, deep listening, and, yes, non-attachment (because so often, it is my attachment to “being right” or “being heard” or “being understood” that stop me from making room to really listen, and to make the wisest choices in my relationships).

This morning is a new day, a new opportunity to be the person I most want to be, a new set of choices, and a new moment to be present for. I’m good with that. I like a new beginning. 🙂

Tags begin again, breathe, choose to be the person you most want to be, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, how do I begin again?, how do I face my fears?, how do I get over it?, I am my own cartographer, listening deeply, love, love and lovers, MBSR, mindful loving, mindfulness matters, p.s. I love you, perspective, practice non-attachment, practicing the practices, ptsd, relationships, TBI, The Art of Being, The Big 5, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, we become what we practice, what matters most?, work from within

Categories Brain Injury, forgiveness, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, Love, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5, winter

Morning Meditation

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One That Got Away

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Another Monday, Another Coffee…

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That’s Not How “Making Things Work” Works

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Where Do I Go From Here?

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