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Who Were You Then?

October 16, 2026 //
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Lovely start to the day, today. Coffee with my beloved Traveling Partner before I headed to the trail to get a walk in before work.

[No AI is used in writing or editing this blog. This is human content for human readers.]

I walked in the predawn darkness contentedly, on the edge of humming a little tune, but I can’t quite find the melody. I smile and keep walking. I’m okay for nearly all values of “okay”, and better than that for many more. In a word, in this moment I am content and happy. I walked along enjoying it without asking why. Doesn’t matter why.

I think about the woman I was in 1995. Why ’95? That was the year I walked away from a nightmare, and the year I lived alone for the first time, fully independently. It was a peculiar transformation and it took me awhile to catch up with myself. I spent that year beginning the search for the woman I wanted most to be. It’s taken a long g’damned time to get from there to here. By the time I reach my halfway point (on this walk), I’ve mentally drafted a letter I wish I could send back in time to that earlier version of me.

Continuity of memory is strange. It tends to suggest I am that woman I was then. I doubt that’s really true. She was reckless. Irresponsible. Angry (so very angry). She was prone to disrespecting boundaries. She had no clear sense of purpose, and her goal setting was shortsighted and exceedingly practical. Her path was not yet her own choosing. Shared memory connects me to her, but I am not that woman I once was. Probably a good thing, actually; she was headed for destruction.

Daybreak begins. The starry night sky gives way to shades of gray.

She could have done better, or been a better person. I guess so can I, even now. I sit with that for a little while. Later today, therapy, and a manicure. It is a Friday. I think about the weekend ahead. I think about beginnings and I think about love.

I breathe, exhale, and relax. A new beginning starts right here. A chance to be my best self, a better partner, a better friend. I like beginning again. Each day is a new experience, a new chance to choose and to do better… a new opportunity to love and to walk my path. It’s enough.

I breathe the autumn air deeply. It’s already time to walk on, and begin again.

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Categories Allegories, anger, Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, gratitude, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being, women

Strategic Distraction

October 13, 2026 //
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This morning I am reflecting on beauty. Thoughts and recollections of beautiful sights are one useful strategy to manage pain; if my mind is focused on beautiful recollections, it is not preoccupied with the experience of pain in that moment. Simple, right?

[No AI is used in writing or editing this blog. This is human content for human readers.]

Like a lot of simple ideas, it is more complicated than it sounds and requires steady practice to be really effective – but today my thumbs don’t hurt. I have been feeling deeply inspired lately, and it makes thoughts of beauty easier to focus on. I can explore inspiration in real depth, for a long while, and the pain seems to recede, no longer dominating my awareness. When my thumbs, specifically, are also hurting it becomes difficult to think about beauty and art, because the thoughts themselves redirect my attention back to my pain.

… Not this morning…

This morning I walk down the path more or less comfortably (less, much less), and the morning is slightly warmer. I’m dressed for it, that helps. Knee pain on the right, and a painful little hangnail on my left foot that I only noticed after I stepped out of the car to begin my walk. Arthritis pain up and down my spine. Nerve pain down my left hip. Rough morning for pain and pain management, so… I distract myself from it with thoughts of beauty, and paintings not yet painted. It works, mostly. My results vary.

Fall colors

Autumn colors excite me, and I enjoy the scent of autumn on the chilly breeze: fallen leaves, damp earth, and somewhere a warm hearth and the hint of a crackling fire last night. I am eager to be in my studio again, painting scenes of autumn. As I walk I think about recent sights. Beautiful sunrises. The glimmer of the setting sun across the ripples and slow currents of Siletz Bay. The vineyards becoming neat rows of yellow under cloudy skies. The oranges, rusts, and reds of deciduous trees mingling with the deep dark greens of various evergreens and pines. It is an outstanding season for painting.

I get to my halfway point and stop awhile. No starry sky this morning. Cloudy. Chilly. A quiet reminder of how vulnerable we are, as human beings. We have no fur, no claws, no savage fangs, no poison. We are fleshy and naked to the elements, and only our intelligence and adaptability keep us at or near the top of the food chain. I’m glad dressed warmly. I think awhile about humanity inventing clothing, and continuing to improve it over time. I shiver a bit in the cold in spite of my warm fleece over a warm fleece lined Henley.

I breathe the chilly autumn air and exhale it as a visible breath. I let my body relax. I repeat the simple practice for several minutes. I’m feeling pretty good, now, although chilly. Oh, look, it’s not meditation carrying the weight on this, as good as that sounds. I also remembered to take my meds on time and the Rx pain relief picks up where meditation leaves off. Sometimes ya gotta do both.

I gather my thoughts and get to my feet. I note happily that I’ve managed to stay focused on my own thoughts without giving any thought to work at all. That feels like an achievement, but acknowledging it feels like I just lost the game. 😂 I stretch and feel tension leave my body. It’s a good beginning. I wonder where today will take me?

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Categories Allegories, art and the artist, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, joy, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, solo hiking, The Art of Being, women

Autumn Rain, Autumn Chill

October 11, 2026 //
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Yesterday’s walk was rainy. This morning it is cold. 35F/1.6C – it may not be freezing cold, quite yet, but it is certainly cold enough that my heavy sweater was a good choice.

[No AI is used in writing or editing this blog. This is human content for human readers.]

I reached the trailhead at the nature park without really taking note of the drive to get here. I slept poorly last night, awaked at intervals by my Traveling Partner, who was having a difficult night himself. I woke with effort and dragged myself through my morning routine. So far, so good.

It’s a strange chilly autumn morning. There is a moderately dense fog in the low spots of the marsh and adjacent farm fields. The night sky overhead head is clear and starry. In the minutes during which I sat quietly observing the night sky, trying to ascertain whether that bright object that wasn’t there moments ago is a star, a planet, or a satellite, a stranger approaches my car in the darkness and calls to me. “Ma’am, Ma’am? Do you have any water?”

The object in the sky? A plane. The stranger? A potential threat. What the hell is he doing out along the highway, walking, on a near freezing morning before dawn? I’m definitely not getting out of my car. Through the closed and locked door I say “No”, quite firmly. He walks away slowly toward a second car parked here, some distance ahead of me. I hear him ask the driver for water. She asks what the hell he’s doing out on the highway walking at this hour. He laughs a weird wild cackle. To my surprise, the driver gets out of her car and fetches a bottle of water for the stranger, then gets back in her car. The stranger loiters a few minutes trying to make further conversation before eventually walking away, back to the highway.

The strange unsettling interaction changes my plan. I’ll wait for daybreak before I start down the trail this morning. Just seems safer, and after the night I had, I don’t think I should count on luck as a safety plan.

Yesterday was pretty pleasant, generally. I spent considerable time hanging out with my Traveling Partner. Got my laundry mostly done. Spent a little time in my studio. I’m pleased with the new piece.

“Autumn Afternoon” 11″ x 14″ 2026

I’m getting a lot of satisfaction and emotional value out of these shorter interludes in the studio. I am guessing the days of spending many hours at my easel, or painting down on the floor or on some tabletop, are probably over. I can’t easily sustain one single seated position for so long and the arthritis developing in my thumbs is quite another cruel twist of aging. This piece is my largest pastel to date, though, and in that sense it is fully equivalent to having painted four new pieces. I’m okay with that. The hint of gold dust gently brushed into the piece makes me smile when a glint or glimmer catches my eye. It’s enough.

I doze off in the warmth of the car briefly. When I wake the other car is gone. I write a bit. Meditate. I wait for daybreak, that’ll be soon now. Then I’ll begin again.

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Categories Allegories, art and the artist, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being, women, Words

Yesterday’s Sunrise

October 2, 2026 //
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Yesterday’s sunrise was beautiful. Maybe I’ll paint that sky this weekend.

[No AI is used in writing or editing this blog. This is human content for human readers.]

Every sunrise a new beginning.

I spent yesterday taking (Rx) drugs and wracked with pain, mired in irritability, working, and listening to Bauhaus, NIN, and The Stooges. Not exactly cheerful stuff, but infused with a dark moody energy that just seemed to fit. I was even wearing black, though the choice was unintentional.

… This morning is better, so far…

I enjoyed a quiet evening with my Traveling Partner, though I still don’t understand why he took a chance on my company last night; I wasn’t in a good place at all. We both made the necessary effort and it was a relaxed, generally pleasant evening.

This morning? New day, new beginning. I walk the familiar trail in the familiar darkness, grateful it is largely an external experience of circumstances – it’s still too early, not yet daybreak. Nothing like yesterday, when the darkness seemed to ooze from my being. I breathe in the mild autumn air. We haven’t yet had our first frost.

I breathe, exhale, relax. I meditate under the stars. It’s beautiful. I hear something loud, not too far away. The sound of impact, of things breaking, and a short time later, sirens. Someone else is having a bad morning today. Every one of us will, eventually. Very human. Our results may vary, whatever our circumstances or our practices.

“Maybe a shorter walk in the morning?” my beloved had suggested to me. It was a good idea. I sit with my thoughts another minute or two. Self-reflection is a useful tool for gaining perspective.

The sky takes on a hint of blue, and I stretch a gaze at the few stars I can still see. Short work day, and an appointment with a specialist later about this fucking headache, then the weekend. I hope to spend a substantial portion of it in the studio. I’ve got a playlist ready…

… I get to my feet, and hit play, before I walk on. “….Bela Lugosi is dead…” And it’s time to begin. Again.

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Categories Allegories, art and the artist, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, Despair, Free Will, gratitude, inspiration, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Moments, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being, War and News of War, Words

Sometimes It’s Complicated

September 28, 2026 //
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Morning. Another one. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful to see another sunrise. Life gets complicated sometimes, though, and it is a lot to take. It’s rarely “all on me”, or even about me (in many cases it’s nothing to do with me at all).

[No AI is used in writing or editing this blog. This is human content for human readers.]

It’s not even daybreak yet. It’s quite dark on the trail this morning – clear starry sky, the full moon overhead.  I walk down the familiar trail with a measure of confidence, the bobbing circle of light ahead of me from my headlamp is plenty to see by. I walk with my thoughts, enjoying these moments of peace and quiet reflection; they may be the only such moments in a busy complicated day.

I get to my halfway point and take a seat on the nearby bench.

I breathe, exhale, and relax. Chilly morning. I’m grateful for the warm sweater and cozy cardigan I threw on over it. I can see my breath this morning. Fall. The potential beauty of the morning is thrown off by concern for my Traveling Partner. I find myself wondering whether I should call out from work to take care of him today? For the moment my own pain takes a back seat in my awareness. I breathe deeply, and exhale slowly, working to stave off my stress before it can become a panic attack. My partner needs me to be capable and to provide care. I remind myself that I did it for two years, and I can resume doing so capably, now, when my beloved needs me.

Breathe. Exhale. Relax. Sometimes shit gets complicated. That’s just life. We all go through shit, and it is sometimes the worst we’ve ever been through. Resilience is built over time, but it can sure feel like it can be used up in an instant.

I sigh to myself feeling restless, and for a moment a little trapped and hopeless. I remind myself that change is, and very few moments last. Most things are pretty impermanent, actually, so I take another breath, exhale again, and do my best to relax. I’ll keep practicing.

Still not daybreak yet, but there is the faintest hint of something more deep dark blue than utterly black about the sky. A new day. I keep working to quell my panic (an inner voice snarls at me, “no one has time for this weak ass shit, knock it off”). Breathe. Exhale. Relax. Repeat as needed. I struggle to get comfortable with myself this morning. My mind refuses to settle down or focus, like hearing a fire alarm I know is a test, and still feeling it is urgently necessary to leave the building. This is absolutely not a test – it’s life. Sometimes it’s complicated.

I sigh to myself and hope I get through the day with my perspective intact, and able to provide any caregiving my partner needs. I stupidly look at my watch in the dark. Pointless. I do know it’s time to begin again… I get to my feet and turn to head on down the trail and back to the car.

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Categories Allegories, Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, Despair, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, health, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5
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