Archives for posts with tag: p.s. I love you

This Failure Isn’t Mine

August 27, 2019 //

The smell lingers in the air, this morning, something like an electrical fire, something like something different than that – pretty unpleasant, regardless of comparisons. The A/C went out last night. My Traveling Partner tried not to wake me, opening a window in the bedroom so I would sleep more easily. I was grateful for the interruption in my sleep; I was dreaming that I was struggling to wade through an endless field, knee deep in rotting onions. That was also pretty unpleasant… although once I was awake, and the dream had mostly faded, the smell definitely got first place on “things that smell bad in the middle of the night”. lol

I tossed and turned awhile, unable to go back to sleep. I was sleepy, and it was vexing me that I could fall asleep. At some point, I inhaled quite deeply, and sighed heavily, resigned to a sleepless night. I felt my body relax, a bit, and realized I’d been breathing in a very shallow way, almost panting, trying to avoid the smell of the failed A/C. Well. That’s not the sort of breathing that encourages sleep at all. LOL I took some deep breaths, exhaled slowly, and allowed my body to begin to relax again. I focused my attention on the fresh air coming in through the window.

The alarm went off at the usual time… a new day. The forecast? Hotter than 90 degrees (F). Damn. Well… there’s A/C in the office…? I wonder for a moment how long it may take to repair the A/C… in the summertime. I sip my coffee and consider myself fortunate to have this particular problem. I lived most of my life without having A/C at all. I remember that first window A/C, in my childhood home… later… I briefly owned a home (no A/C), rented several places as I traveled with the Army (no A/C), left the Army (no A/C), moving from place to place, rental to rental, A/C just didn’t come up, much. Lived for a time with a woman who owned a lavish home, she had A/C. Another rental, another window A/C – a gift from my Traveling Partner – and that was a pleasant luxury, for sure. It didn’t fit the windows in the next rental, at all. LOL Now here. So… more living without A/C, than living with it. I guess I’ll get by just fine until it is repaired. 🙂

…I miss it already, in advance of today’s likely heat. LOL What an amusing practical opportunity to practice non-attachment, to let go of expectations, to practice good self-care, and to refrain from taking things personally. 🙂

…I can still smell the lingering scent of the A/C failing… I sip my coffee, and begin again (without A/C). 🙂

Tags air-conditioning failure, be here now, begin again, breathe, emotional self sufficiency, experience, good self-care, hot summer no A/C, mindful living, mindfulness for beginners, p.s. I love you, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, relationships, sufficiency, TBI, The Art of Being, The Big 5, we become what we practice, what matters most?

Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, Healthy Living, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Summer, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Well… I Guess That’s Fair…

August 26, 2019 //

I woke up in pain, after a restless and interrupted night’s sleep. Unsatisfying. I definitely didn’t get the rest I need. No obvious cause. I woke around 2 am, my Traveling Partner sleeping beside me. I was uncomfortable, and unable to return to sleep. I felt “over-heated”, even though the room was comfortably cool. I’m well-past menopause, so the obvious “hormones!” battle-cry seems a less than ideal “fit” for the experience. Still… I know what to do about that. I get up, and go out onto the deck for a few minutes, in the cool fresh air. I can almost taste the hint of approaching autumn in the scent of the breeze.

I come back inside to reluctantly face the likely restlessness of the remaining portion of the night. I want to avoid disturbing my partner’s sleep, and crash on the couch, wrapped in a super soft, super fuzzy throw. Comfy. Cozy. I expected to drop off to sleep pretty much immediately.

…I was still expecting that, some time later, quite awake. LOL I didn’t fuss over it. No point. Just adds stress to the experience, which amplifies the feelings of fatigue, later on. I roll over one more time, finding just that utterly comfortable position, and feel my whole body relax, and my mind gently drift off… The alarm goes off almost immediately, once I am really settled into falling asleep once more. I get up with a sigh, as I turn off the alarm clock by feel, in a single motion as I rise from the couch.

Okay, okay; the moments aren’t all easy. The nights aren’t all restful. lol. I do what I can, with the ingredients I’ve got. It’s enough. I can begin again from here, no problem. 🙂

…Lovely weekend, though. 🙂

I keep smiling at my coffee, each time I take a sip. Nothing really wrong with this moment. 🙂 I’m grateful for the day ahead, without interrupting the earliest hour of my morning with work details. Beginning again is enough. Certainly, there is time to finish my coffee. 😉

Tags be here now, be love, be the change, begin again, breathe, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, good self-care, grateful for another day, insomnia, interrupted sleep, MBSR, meditation, mindfulness for beginners, p.s. I love you, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, relationships, restless night, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, we become what we practice, what matters most?

Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, Love, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Summer, The Art of Being

Love Rollercoaster

August 25, 2019 //

A morning with some challenges. I sip my coffee, finding my center through music. Love Rollercoaster feels appropriate. I take another sip of coffee, clean up my subscriptions in YouTube… astonished that I ever subscribed to that. What was I thinking? For real? Life and love, as journeys go, aren’t a smooth, well-lit, comfortably paved, straight broad path from this moment to the next. Like a lot of journeys, sometimes it’s gravel, sometimes it’s grassy, sometimes it’s a steep climb, other times it is so effortless is passes nearly unnoticed, caught up in my own unrelated thinking about it in the abstract. Like a rollercoaster? Sure, near enough, I suppose.

I’m not cross or unhappy this morning, and eventually I settled into a comfortable groove, feeling good. This Love Rollercoaster has many twists and curves, and I’ve learned much about love. The morning just got off to a bumpy start. It happens, and it’s not always about love. 🙂 There are other things going on. Let’s start with aging – and pain. Aging sucks in one or two regards – pain being one of those. I’ve got mine, my Traveling Partner has his. I woke this morning, with him, we each had our reasons for wakefulness to do with physical pain. Feelings were briefly hurt over unintentionally harsh words, because… pain. We both let it go, quickly, because neither of us wants to add to the other’s hurting, and we both mean to treat each other well. Affectionate reassurances, and loving heartfelt apologies, and the moment is behind us.

I had made coffee for us both, but we weren’t really up for coffee together; the morning started too early, and with too much discomfort. I sat down in my studio to chill with some music videos. I’d have gone back to bed, but had awakened feeling “triggered” and on edge by my own pain, and sleep wasn’t going to come easily (or, possibly, at all) – and I was near enough to “well-rested” to let that go, I just needed to restore that sense of balance, and begin again. 🙂 Eventually, my partner pops in to admit that he’s not really ready for coffee, after all, and shares his intention of attempting to go back to bed. Makes sense to me. I would, if I could. 🙂 He offers me his coffee, apologetically, appreciatively, and lovingly. I’m warmed by the gesture every bit as much as I would be by the coffee… sometime later, after I finished mine, I go get his – still warm. I smile, pleased to have a second cup of coffee without running the grinder and potentially disturbing my partner’s rest; I know he needs the rest.

I sit in the warmth of what an amazing weekend this has been for love and loving, without trying to analyze it – just enjoying it.

I think about our lovely evening the night before – dinner out with friends, hanging out at our place, afterward. It was nice. My smile deepens. Brunch with a friend at noontime – also quite delightful. Good weekend. I sip my coffee feeling content and satisfied. Fulfilled? Definitely. Happy? I think maybe, yeah. Feels good.

The difficult moments this morning weren’t personal, weren’t any sort of attack, really weren’t a big deal – just difficult, and actually, very very momentary. I can deal with that. I can also remember a time when a moment like that one this morning would not only have blown my day – it would have blotted out my recollections of this delightful weekend of love, affection, romance, and shared experiences with friends. I’d have drowned my heart in emotional “weather” – unable to enjoy the lovely “climate” in this period of my life, generally. I’m glad I have undertaken so many small practices that prevent me from becoming mired in a painful moment and unable to connect with a joyful life.

Quite a lot has gone into getting from “there” to “here”. 🙂

I sit quietly sipping my coffee, appreciative of how far my journey has taken me, how wonderful love is, and how pleasant it is to be so easily able to let go of the small stuff, and bounce back quickly. Basic mindfulness practices. Real actual practice. Verbs. Incremental change over time. Lots of books (have you seen my Reading List??). Lots of practice. My results have varied, and I’ve avoided taking that as a personal failure, beginning again thousands of times. What works, works; we become what we practice. 😀

…Well… It’s a lovely Sunday. Time to finish this coffee, and start the day. 😀

Tags a DJ's partner, be the change, begin again, building a drama free zone, climate or weather?, emotional self sufficiency, forgiveness, good self-care, house rules, how to love, letting small shit stay small, listening deeply, love, love and lovers, loving well in real life, MBSR, mindful love, mindful loving, moments are only moments, p.s. I love you, pain and pain management, pain sucks, perspective, practical application of The Big 5, practicing the practices, sharing the journey, sufficiency, The Big 5, there are verbs involved, we become what we practice, what are you practicing?, what matters most?

Categories forgiveness, Free Will, gratitude, Love, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, Summer, The Big 5

Fearless Joy, Limitless Love

August 24, 2019 //

I’m sipping my coffee, and smiling. Profound joy, and great delight, fill me up this morning. I’m content. Well-loved. My coffee tastes good. I got the rest I need. It is simply a lovely morning, and I’m in love. 🙂

…The love, and loving, do tend to “light up” the day, most splendidly. 😀 I hear love songs in my head.

It’s a bit peculiar… I was so cynical about love as a younger person. I’d been hurt too often, too deeply, to “believe the hype” or appreciate the promise offered by real intimacy. It was a painful journey from that place, to this one, and I struggled for a long time to balance my tendency toward inappropriately deep (often undeserved)loyalty, with my lack of ability to form healthy attachments, or bond closely with lovers.

… I’m not there, now. Love feels so much different, from my vantage point, now, it is quite tempting to take a satisfied approach and figure “damn, I’m awesome at this love stuff!!” I’d lose a great opportunity to continue to grow my skills, and deepen my relationships, if I did. 🙂 I breathe, exhale, relax, and let go of my expectations and assumptions, and sit present on a lovely morning, feeling loved.

Last night I came home to work to a magical wonderland of being loved, appreciated, valued, and cared for. It was an evening of connection, intimacy, warmth, and an experience of deep, lasting passion – with a human being who is also my best friend. Wow. I’m still smiling. My Traveling Partner blows my mind with his ability to love, to demonstrate that love, to share it, to deepen it, to connect with me.

This morning, I sip my coffee, smiling at the world, and myself. Love is “all that“. Love really does “matter most”. 🙂 I’m grateful to have the chance to experience, explore, deepen, and enjoy the love I know. It’s hard to embrace the next moment (or begin again), just now… I’m very much enjoying soaking up the love in this one. 😀 I think I’ll do just that, for now, sit here, contentedly, feeling the love.

p.s. I love you.

Tags be here now, be love, emotional self sufficiency, it's about the love, listening deeply, love, love and lovers, Love First, love me do, mindful love, p.s. I love you, perspective, relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5, there are verbs involved, we become what we practice, what matters most?

Categories gratitude, Love, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Relationships, Summer, The Art of Being, The Big 5

More Often Than Not

August 12, 2019 //

These days I seem wholly contented more often than not. Days sometimes slip by, without noticing I have not written a word, and life feels generally very pleasant within the limited context of my own experience. (Admittedly, when I look beyond that limited lifetime, I see so much struggle, so much pain, and so much unpleasantness, it is hard not to avert my gaze.) Even this lovely life filled with balance and quiet joy holds opportunities to improve, to love more skillfully than I do, to take care of myself more skillfully that I yet know how, and to be of greater service to hearth, and home, and community. Growth gets more complicated, it seems, the more contented I am. 🙂

My gear is packed, with the exception of the clothes I’ll be wearing, and a handful of things that I put through the wash yesterday, and an Rx that I’ll drop in my bag after I take it before bed tonight. I’ll leave for the office tomorrow morning, and head to the camp site after work. I was more ready than I realized, and there were few purchases to make; even my stores of camping food were in good supply and had been kept reliably well-thought out to support a trip to the trees without major shopping (they double as “emergency supplies” between camping trips, creating an ongoing incentive to keep them well-stocked all year).

I’m excited to be out in the woods, camping among the trees, listening to birdsong and breezes. I’m looking forward to uncomfortable hours of self-reflection, meditation, and study. I’m looking forward to thoughtful sketches of small flowers, and reading books I haven’t started yet. I’m looking forward to shameless napping in the heat of the afternoon, lulled to sleep by the buzzing of various insects. I’m looking forward to moments of insecurity, fearfulness, and doubt, and feelings of uncertainty, and inadequacy, and the feelings that follow all of those, when I master them in those moments, and feel my sense of ease and assurance return. I’m eager to sit down “face to face” with the woman in the mirror, and have a chat (figuratively speaking); I find camping exceedingly useful for brushing away the distractions, and really getting focused on the things I need to face, and deal with. I could be a better human being than I am right now, this morning – this journey (and practice) is a way to get there. 🙂

I am also just… tired. Cognitively fatigued. Weekends, however chill and relaxing, aren’t quite enough at this point to get me the deep cognitive, emotional, and intellectual, rest that I need so badly. Nearly every moment, of most any day, is filled from start to end with interactions, and human voices, and this, that, or the other thing pinging on my consciousness. I need a break from all of that, long enough to get properly rested, in order to really grow and benefit from all that I am exposed to, and all that I have learned. 🙂 My ‘brain buffer” is full. Sleep isn’t enough to clear it. I’m sometimes cross with frustration that results from nothing more than feeling persistently distracted and overloaded. “Too much”.

So, tomorrow… well, from the perspective of write here, I guess today. Tomorrow I’ll be finishing loading the car (it’s mostly already loaded), and double-checking that I have coffee, my bee sting kit, and any medication I may need, and adequate cash for picking up a bundle of firewood from the camp hosts up the road. 4 nights out. 4 days. Long enough to really appreciate the luxuries life routinely makes available (through not having them) and long enough to have to push past personal demons queuing up for attention, and to have to kick aside any “baggage” in my way, on a path of self-reflection, re-calibration, and rest. 🙂

I expect to return with pictures of flowers, sunsets, blue skies, paths ahead of me, and moments. I expect to return with a clear heart and sense of purpose. Expectations can be huge buzzkills in real life, so I sip my coffee, smile, and let those go. 🙂 It’s enough to be here, ready to go there, and to let that be what it is, when the time comes. 🙂 For now? It’s just a Monday morning, over coffee, and it’s time to begin again. 🙂

Tags #23, are you going my way?, be here now, be the change, being and becoming, breathe, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, MBSR, meditation, mindfulness for beginners, mindfulness matters, p.s. I love you, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, walking my own path, we become what we practice, what matters most?

Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, solo hiking, Summer, The Art of Being

This Failure Isn’t Mine

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Well… I Guess That’s Fair…

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Love Rollercoaster

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Fearless Joy, Limitless Love

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More Often Than Not

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