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The Brain Attacks!!

February 25, 2013 //
1

Welcome to Monday. A good one so far, and I’m glad for it. I thought thoughts walking in to work, and some of them may have been profound, possibly share worthy, but by the time I got to work there were really only two things, distilled from almost an hour of walking meditations, that I still wanted to share:

1. It was an overall good weekend – except for the sucker punch my brain delivered to my heart, soul and experience on Sunday morning. Wow. Lethal. I am more thankful than words can express that I have partners with the will and ability to ‘be there for me’ as much as they are, as often as they are, and considering how easily I can, and how often I have, hurt them. I am also extremely appreciative, this morning, that I am alive today – funny thing to say, perhaps, but if you could know the experiences I have already survived across 49 years, it would seem less surprising that I might feel so grateful that existence – mine – continues today. 😀  It is certainly something to cherish, celebrate, and enjoy – even the difficult bits.  So that’s one thing to share.

2. A metaphor… I love music. I started thinking about life and music… and I got this.  There is more than one sort of musician. A skilled studio musician may be a virtuoso with an instrument, or style, well-versed in technique, reading music, bringing ‘a sound’ – and creates music with those tools and skills, but perhaps doesn’t compose or create.  A DJ makes music too – using other people’s music, samples, their own creativity at mixing, bringing elements of varied styles together to create a sound, but perhaps doesn’t have the technical expertise about music theory that might be expected or found more commonly among very technically proficient musicians, or virtuosi.  There are also ‘rock stars’ – gifted performers, composers, musicians – beings of amazing style and ability to capture or drive the zeitgeist, to influence or herald social and cultural change, and I’m sure we’ve all noticed they are not always exceptional or gifted musicians.  In life – which of these am I, I wondered? I realized pretty quickly that although there are qualities of each of these I would very much like to embody, I am probably that guy in his garage with a beat up instrument he got cheap in a pawn shop, who hears music in his head, loves to listen to his favorite tracks and sings along with all his favorite songs… and can’t read a note, and barely picks out a modestly recognizable rendition of the guitar riff from ‘Smoke on the Water’, slowly. That’s not a good or bad thing… but it is sure important to know that about oneself. 🙂  If that guy sticks with it, learns some basics, and figures out what he really wants out of music (life), and applies himself to achieving those goals, he’ll probably get somewhere worth going… on the other hand… if he struts around like a rock star, telling his friends he’s awesome, and showing off what he doesn’t understand… well… I know that guy. You probably know that guy. In life and love, I think I am that guy… and I have a choice to make. I choose to be a humble and honest student of life and love… there’s plenty to learn.   (Thanks, Brain, this one almost makes up for your shenanigans yesterday.)

…and now back to our usual Monday line up… 😉

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Metaphors, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, Turning 50

Plotting a Happier Ven

February 23, 2013 //
2

Knowing we are each having our own experience (and I’m assuming you do know that, possibly accept and/or understand it, or are willing to participate in this moment with me by temporarily suspending your skepticism on this point…) it still hasn’t been easy to describe or even understand why some things hurt, however briefly, when upon rational examination they seem so reasonable. Take ‘feedback’ for example. (I’ll define that as a moment of verbal information offered from one individual to another regarding a specific shared experience or communication that the offered information addresses directly, either by way of a desired correction in verbiage, demeanor, or behavior, or to offer praise in support of specific verbiage, demeanor, or behavior. Sound reasonable? I’m hoping that definition excludes humor, and meanness… ) I sometimes take feedback very badly – and sometimes quite appreciatively and graciously (I know, I’ve been there. lol).  It’s got to be hard on people who care about me to find themselves facing tears over sometime really simple and well-intended. I’m very sure I’m right about that, because they also often seem very relieved and appreciative when it goes well.  I think I figured out something about the feedback thing I didn’t understand before… but, I am not sure I can easily describe what I think I understand.

How about a metaphor? If I am holding hands with my lover, and gently stroking the delicate skin of the inside of their wrist with my thumb, softly, sensuously, over and over… eventually, even though I love them, and even though initially it probably felt lovely, it becomes irritating (try it, don’t take my word for it). Likewise, if I am wounded or have an injury, touches, however gentle, to that source of pain will definitely hurt – even if the intention is not hurtful, and the touch itself, in some other place, would be welcome.  So… perhaps, some specific topics of feedback, or specific requests, delivered often enough over a lifetime eventually sting a bit, even if they are ‘right on the mark’ and quite properly needful, and even ‘welcomed’ once the sting is gone? Perhaps some feedback lands on old wounds that are not properly healed? Yep… I think that gets my point… but I don’t know what to properly do with this thought. (Other than ‘share it with the world via blog post’. lol) How do I hear and make use of good feedback without taking it personally or allowing it to pull at old wounds? I know I can’t reasonably expect my loved ones and friends to read my mind, or know what bits of long-standing pain and delicacy are lurking in my great unknown.  One more thing to think about.

I’m in a good place today. It’s a nice day at home, doing some housework, doing some homework, and hoping that each opportunity to share an experience with my partners is the sort that builds a memory worth hanging onto for a lifetime. 🙂

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Metaphors, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, Turning 50, Words

More Like a Pop Quiz Than a Final Exam

February 21, 2013 //
1

I really never understood ‘test-taking anxiety’ very well.  For me tests often feel very validating; I show up, sit down, answer some questions, and walk away feeling good.  Fortunately, life never seems to run short on opportunities for me to gain understanding through experience… and I will admit I don’t find 3am ideal for a pop quiz, but isn’t that the nature of the unexpected, and how better to set me up for a learning opportunity?

I slept ok last night, until I awoke shortly before 3am feeling incredibly anxious and unsure why. Deep breathing didn’t slow it down, so I got up…found myself surprised to be in the company of my partners; we were awake, one and all. There reached a point, some time later, where I sat quietly with one of my partners, a man of experience, wisdom, and a great deal of love, and whose insights I value beyond description. It is no small thing to me when he offers feedback relevant to my enjoyment in life, expresses frustration with tasks I am less skilled at than expected, or offers best practices for skillful relationship building – and similarly, when he praises me, I feel like it is a holiday. I am honored when he actually comments on my writing, or my art.

Back to that Pop Quiz… as my partner and I sat quietly, each wrapped in our own experience in that moment, he asked me “So… now that you’ve had this big epiphany you talked about in your blog, what are you going to do with it?” Wow. One question. One moment. I felt completely and utterly unprepared, as though I’d gone to school on a test day without reading the chapters, or doing the homework! I tried rather hopelessly not to babble, not to cover my feeling of utter lack of preparation – and I really felt that cool appraising gaze become just a bit more disappointed than supportive, clearly unimpressed with my unimpressive reply. Ouch. Failing grade. But something we’ve talked rather a lot about recently has been one of the principles of The 5 Elements of Effective Thinking…succeeding through failure. And one of the very important things I took away from reading Succeed: How We Can Reach Our Goals is that not all measures of success are appropriate to a given goal… and here I was facing something eyes open at 3am where I wanted very much to ‘show off’ that I was ‘ready’ or had already mastered this new thing… but I’m not there yet. Hell, I just grasped one simple concept I had previously failed to understand… I wasn’t ready for the Pop Quiz, unless the goal there was to demonstrate that I wasn’t finished learning. lol.

But success can be small things done well, improvements over time, and progress – and I’m still smiling this morning, because I am learning to see and accept those smaller successes and take pleasure and delight in each new thing I learn to do better than I used to – and today, instead of hiding from my anxiety and fear of facing my partner’s high expectations, and my own sense that I ‘failed an important test’, I took a moment to accept that I have more to learn, and that some of what I don’t know adversely affects my partners’ quality of life with me. Instead of ‘running away’ – I really took care of me, by admitting I wasn’t ready then, at 3am, and then I did what I hope takes better care of my partner, today, and reached out and asked to make time to talk together, so I can understand his needs, mine, and how best to meet the needs of his I am equipped to meet, and also take care of me in a way that is emotionally safe for my partners, and effective and sustainable for me. Simple right?? (lol)

This still feels like a good day…and I’m eager to learn more, and get a ‘re-test’ another day. 😀

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, Turning 50, Words

Wednesday’s Child

February 20, 2013 //
1

Apologies in advance if this is longer than interesting and sort of rambling… I’m short on sleep today, and although I am in good spirits and feeling decently human, I’m tired to the point of near-numbness, and brevity will be a challenge. 🙂

It was some strange noise that woke me, found out this morning it was a partner’s alarm; a voice reminder. The alarm itself was not exactly ‘alarming’ (lol – yeah, one of those days)…the burst of activity, noise, and excitement associated with shutting it off was much more so, and since I didn’t actually know what it was all about, I lay awake a long while wondering and listening to the sounds of the house.  Sleep was not happening. Yoga happened. Meditation happened. Breathing exercises happened. Having a stretch and getting some fresh air happened. Taking something to help me sleep happened. Some of those things happened more than once. Sleep did not, at least not for a long while. Generally, when I have difficulty sleeping my brain takes merry advantage of my human frailties to closely examine all my insecurities, fears, self-doubt, abandoned dreams, moments of misunderstanding, bits of weirdness that distress or sadden me, miscommunications, and an assortment of troubling feelings that seem vaguely irrational, even in the wee hours.  Last night was no exception, except in this regard; I eventually wound my way through my consciousness to an interesting moment of understanding that was worth being awake for, and it originated in a misunderstanding (I thought, initially) of who I am as an artist.

For the sake of letting you get on with your day, and still getting this out there, I’ll skip to the ‘moment of understanding’.  I am understanding that the question ‘Who am I?’ is difficult because I am an extraordinary and very individual sum of experiences, choices, consciousness and will that continuously grows and changes – as is everyone else. We may share some portion of our life with other individuals, but for how long, and with how many, is yet another “who am I?” complication.  My life, thus far, measures about 49 years, nearly 50… my current partners and I have been together for less than 4 of those years. Their exposure to the “who am I?” of years before we met is limited to what I’ve said, what they’ve heard from other sources, and whatever limited documentation exists on the internet, in my art, or in my personal papers; their view of “who I am” is not ever going to be the same as my own – or even the same as the view of “who I am” that someone who knew me in a very different time in my life may have. That’s really it. I thought about that all night long… slicing my life by era, by relationship, by artistic period, by trauma-timeline, by key decision-making point… I looked at me from a variety of angles and perspectives… I found more to like and to love that I expected, honestly (it’s been a hard year for my self-esteem), and that felt pretty good.  So good, actually, that I managed a good mood out of a very small amount of sleep.

My thoughts took me back again and again to the negative way I sometimes filter my experiences as a human being.  (As an aside, I have a friend who is extraordinarily negative, especially about himself.  I can easily see the damage it does to him, and how it affects his experience. He can’t see it so easily, and often firmly states he is ‘being rational’. How is this relevant? I do it myself. Hit myself hard with what hurts most, give myself no compassion or room to learn through error, and endlessly berate myself for how much I suck at whatever… when, actually, much of the time I’m okay as human primates go. 😀 )  I realized, specifically, that I did myself and someone I love a great disservice through this negative filtering, too.  Some time ago, someone very dear to me pointed out the utter necessity for me to learn to ‘take care of me’, to learn to love myself, or I would be at risk of hurting others, or finding myself facing difficulties in my relationships. (All true.) He then, from my vantage point deep in the well of a negative filter, pulled way back emotionally and withdrew from me; his support, encouragement and coaching (here comes the filter) ‘because he didn’t really want to be with some broken creature like me’. Wow. How hurtful to both of us that thinking was!  As I finally started to find sleep this morning, it occurred to me that perhaps he hadn’t ‘withdrawn’ from me in some act of avoidance, that he may have been demonstrating an incredible depth of love – and support – by refusing to impose his will, his values, his understanding or his way of doing things, on someone he loves a great deal – and would like to continue to love as a whole, healthy, free will individual of her own making. That’s pretty powerful.  It is thinking I find value in… although I admit I am hesitant to ask for clarification, because like any other human being I am afraid to be hurt by finding out which is true.  Progress is good, though, and I think it’s high time I stop berating myself for being human, and maybe try to just enjoy the ride. 🙂

So…difficult night, good day. I don’t know where it will take me, but I’m feeling pretty comfortably me as I find out.

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Categories Anxiety, Art, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, Turning 50, Words

What’s It Worth To Ya?

February 19, 2013 //
2

A couple observations about ’emotional budgeting’:

  1. The most valuable thing I can build today is a better relationship with someone I love.
  2. The most expensive things I can break are someone’s heart, or someone’s will.

We each have limited resources… our choices matter today, and every day. I hope mine are wise today, and add value to my life and relationships, and enhance my experience in both meaning and quality. When I make mistakes, I hope I learn and grow from them, and have the wisdom to try something different next time.

 

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Categories Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Perspective, Relationships, Turning 50, Words
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