Archives for posts with tag: relationships
« Older Entries
Newer Entries »

Easy, Light, Calm

February 13, 2013 //
1

Today is better. Today is good, actually. What makes the difference? Hell, I guess if I knew that I’d write a self-help book and rule the world! (Instead I blog) Things calmed down yesterday… that is to say, I calmed down yesterday. Coasted through the remainder of the evening quietly with my family.  It was nice. Some odd vibes here and there; I’m extremely sensitive to, and aware of, other people’s emotional state, but inconveniently enough that often doesn’t include a real understanding of what that state may be, or an understanding of its relevance to me.  Still, an enjoyable evening overall, and I took steps to take care of me, and that seems to have worked out inasmuch as today is good.

This morning I read some interesting articles that seem apropos of life in general – mine at least. One article about the benefits of Love for stress reduction put a smile on my face by confirming my own experience with Love, which is that I’m less stressed overall, less anxious less frequently, more positive, and generally good-natured and fun to be with when Love is good.  I smiled a bit sheepishly reading an article about whether ‘positive people’ are annoying… and was delighted to find it is also a good article with some tips on breaking negative thinking cycles. I sometimes get ‘stuck’ in some negative thinking, myself, and I know how hard I find it to recognize and accept help breaking the cycle. It’s as if, for me, the chemical experience of a specific intense emotion has a ‘half life’ – like being on a drug – and it takes time to finish its course or break down in my blood stream, or… damn it, Science, help me out here! Speaking of Science (weren’t we?) I also read an article today supporting therapeutic use of cannabis for PTSD; the State of Oregon is considering a senate bill (281) to add PTSD to the list of ‘qualifying conditions’ for their medical marijuana program. That’s good news for a lot of people in emotional pain and turmoil, since anything at all that actually works is better than the entire rest of everything that doesn’t actually work much at all.

So…here it is, another day. So far a good one. What will I make of it from here? How will I deliver my best effort to the world, and to my lovers? How do I hang on to what I love most about myself, and build on that, and leave behind what sucks most about me? How do I take other people, and their emotions, needs, and experience, less personally and still honor and respect them? Friday is just two days away… and there is so much to learn about who I am, about living mindfully, about loving well…

Tags , , , ,
Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, medical marijuana, Menopause, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Turning 50

Sometimes It’s Hard…

February 12, 2013 //
1

…Sometimes it’s hard to tell that it’s easy. I feel things. Let’s call them… ‘feelings’. I know things, or think I do… and for now I’ll call those ‘facts’ while admitting I’m pretty sure that’s not true very often. Still, the fact-y bits are largely what drive my expectations of life…and my ‘feelings’ are, or so I’ve been lead to believe, my responses to the fact-y bits of life going on around me. Except… I don’t think that’s true at all sometimes. There are a few fact-y bits that are fuzzy to the point of being at best wishful, and at worst malicious lies. Are the feelings that result from something that isn’t real, or isn’t true, or is completely misunderstood… real?

Today wasn’t bad, really. An appointment, easily handled. An office visit, another small victory amidst some vaudevillian confusion, and hey – traffic was light and I got a good parking space. For a morning at the VA, I call it a win… but… trying to talk about it at home afterward, and somewhere along the way my mood veered toward madness and I found myself storming off, confused, angry, and anxious. What the hell? I’m not sure what was wrong at all. I don’t know what I was mad about, either… I get angrier than angry, out of no where, over nothing. Fucking hormones. What else was there to do? I walked awhile… and noticed I was near the library. I had no idea it was so close to home. I took time to check it out, and get a brand new library card. (I still like paper books.)

Angst sucks. Why all the drama and tears? Why the fuss and nonsense, all that pointless anger and frustration? There it is though, getting all in the way of having a good time… no one likes it. Too many tears, too much anger, too much stress… and if it is all an illusion, what then? What was it worth? (By the way, before you ask, I also suck at those executive stress toys like puzzles on a string, and such.)

I found some peace in the walking, and when we were all home together the hugs and hanging out felt good.  I feel a bit like Pandora’s box, though… and it is so much effort to remain open to Hope.

Tags , , , ,
Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Turning 50, Words

Welcome to Hormone Hell, We Have Your Padded Room Ready…

February 11, 2013 //
1

As I walked in to the office this morning I tossed today back and forth like a very inexperienced juggler…’make the best of things?’…’vent?’…’find the silver lining?’…’be real’…’focus on the positive?’…’find greater understanding in my experience?’… Yeah. What the hell? Can’t life and love be simple, and easy once in a while? I guess that’s not something to count on, on the bumpy road to menopause.

Friday morning was pretty great, then a couple random-but-predictable-if-I’d-thought-to-predict-them events ground my emotional balance to a fine powder then mixed it with a sudden shit storm of hormones. I believe the household remodel now includes a padded room… My very supportive, loving partners did the best they could, and frankly an effort well beyond the ordinary on their parts, but any real lasting peace for the weekend was laid waste by my moody outbursts, volatility, and despair. Despair. Fuck, what an ugly emotion. The overall outcome of the weekend seems to be, on one hand, my increased respect for my partners’ ability to provide any measure of emotional support to me, at all, under such trying circumstances…and on the other hand…the ever widening gulf that is my own inability to feel connected to either of them. Wow. Bummer. I’d rather not dwell on that.

The weekend was also nicely productive. We all got a lot of things on our individual to-do lists done. I worked on getting more moved in, myself, hoping that increased order in my space will result in increased order in my thinking. I started a ‘time-based art’ project for myself, too, something as much as tool to reflect on perspective in my life as it is art.   It’ll be a busy week ahead, too… time for a physical. The VA knows more about making a person feel diminished and valueless than any other agency I know of… preparing for that is like putting on emotional armor.  Then Friday… a more important appointment, and I’m bravely pretending I am not afraid, that life isn’t overwhelming me with the intensity of my experience, and that ‘everything will be ok’.

Tags , ,
Categories Anxiety, Art, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Metaphors, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Turning 50, Words

Icy Morning, Sunny Day

February 8, 2013 //
1

Wow. Three good days in a row, I mean really first rate good days from end to end… well… today is no where near ‘end’ yet, but the day is good and it is actually hard to imagine the downfall of a day like this one. Even a moment of rather less-than-bliss that I’d have expected to be damned blissful hasn’t been enough to sour the day overall. That’s probably pretty reasonable, since it is not yet noon, and I like to hope that it takes more than a moment to blow a day…although, there are certainly some moments that could, this was not one of those.

It isn’t a work day for me, and my loose agenda of ‘things I’d probably like to do at some point, why not now?’ doesn’t seem to be spurring me to any sort of obvious action so far. Hell, I’ve already managed a nap – after 8 shots of espresso!

It’s a lovely sunny day and there is music in my heart.  It’s important not to underestimate Love.  Right now, today, I feel good…and I feel like I am…getting somewhere with me. There’s work to do, but there’s also time to do it.  I feel inspired…

Tags ,
Categories Anxiety, Art, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Turning 50, Words

The Least Eventful Blogpost Ever?

February 7, 2013 //
4

Oh, seriously, I could come up with some words, on topics… they could be important…to someone. I have thoughts. Musings. I wonder stuff. I ponder. I contemplate. I query. I even recall having something on the order of a good bit of writing sort of mapped out in my thoughts as I walked to the office this morning; gone now.  It’s a nice day, too, overcast and wintry looking; feeling mild and a little damp, and promising more rain to come. I could be inspired to paint or write or…

I meditated this morning, after feeding pets and tidying up a bit. Shared a latte and some quiet moments with a partner a bit later, while another slept (we are each on slightly different schedules with our lives). Today is chill and good almost to the point of encouraging me to think, for a moment, there is really nothing at all amiss with life, love, my wiring… I allow myself the luxury of the moment in a more honest way today; recognizing there is work to be done, improvements in self and habit to be made, and things to ‘deal with’ more appropriately than I have… but I have ‘right now’, and it feels good, so I’m feeling that. This, too, is my experience. My now. My life. In this moment, I am and it is enough.

My thoughts are suddenly crowded with ‘things to do’ that are on my list – both mental and written. It seems like a very long list.  I give myself a needed moment of compassion and recognition (new for me) and remind myself that I make lists because I so easily forget small important details and that life generally moves along pretty simply with the occasional glance at a list and a quick update.  I feel less driven and anxious.  Treating myself well, too, not just other people, is a big part of having a good experience. Lesson learned. Today I am enjoying my experience.

Tags , ,
Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Turning 50, Words
« Older Entries
Newer Entries »