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Sometimes It’s Hard…

February 12, 2013 //
1

…Sometimes it’s hard to tell that it’s easy. I feel things. Let’s call them… ‘feelings’. I know things, or think I do… and for now I’ll call those ‘facts’ while admitting I’m pretty sure that’s not true very often. Still, the fact-y bits are largely what drive my expectations of life…and my ‘feelings’ are, or so I’ve been lead to believe, my responses to the fact-y bits of life going on around me. Except… I don’t think that’s true at all sometimes. There are a few fact-y bits that are fuzzy to the point of being at best wishful, and at worst malicious lies. Are the feelings that result from something that isn’t real, or isn’t true, or is completely misunderstood… real?

Today wasn’t bad, really. An appointment, easily handled. An office visit, another small victory amidst some vaudevillian confusion, and hey – traffic was light and I got a good parking space. For a morning at the VA, I call it a win… but… trying to talk about it at home afterward, and somewhere along the way my mood veered toward madness and I found myself storming off, confused, angry, and anxious. What the hell? I’m not sure what was wrong at all. I don’t know what I was mad about, either… I get angrier than angry, out of no where, over nothing. Fucking hormones. What else was there to do? I walked awhile… and noticed I was near the library. I had no idea it was so close to home. I took time to check it out, and get a brand new library card. (I still like paper books.)

Angst sucks. Why all the drama and tears? Why the fuss and nonsense, all that pointless anger and frustration? There it is though, getting all in the way of having a good time… no one likes it. Too many tears, too much anger, too much stress… and if it is all an illusion, what then? What was it worth? (By the way, before you ask, I also suck at those executive stress toys like puzzles on a string, and such.)

I found some peace in the walking, and when we were all home together the hugs and hanging out felt good.  I feel a bit like Pandora’s box, though… and it is so much effort to remain open to Hope.

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Turning 50, Words

Welcome to Hormone Hell, We Have Your Padded Room Ready…

February 11, 2013 //
1

As I walked in to the office this morning I tossed today back and forth like a very inexperienced juggler…’make the best of things?’…’vent?’…’find the silver lining?’…’be real’…’focus on the positive?’…’find greater understanding in my experience?’… Yeah. What the hell? Can’t life and love be simple, and easy once in a while? I guess that’s not something to count on, on the bumpy road to menopause.

Friday morning was pretty great, then a couple random-but-predictable-if-I’d-thought-to-predict-them events ground my emotional balance to a fine powder then mixed it with a sudden shit storm of hormones. I believe the household remodel now includes a padded room… My very supportive, loving partners did the best they could, and frankly an effort well beyond the ordinary on their parts, but any real lasting peace for the weekend was laid waste by my moody outbursts, volatility, and despair. Despair. Fuck, what an ugly emotion. The overall outcome of the weekend seems to be, on one hand, my increased respect for my partners’ ability to provide any measure of emotional support to me, at all, under such trying circumstances…and on the other hand…the ever widening gulf that is my own inability to feel connected to either of them. Wow. Bummer. I’d rather not dwell on that.

The weekend was also nicely productive. We all got a lot of things on our individual to-do lists done. I worked on getting more moved in, myself, hoping that increased order in my space will result in increased order in my thinking. I started a ‘time-based art’ project for myself, too, something as much as tool to reflect on perspective in my life as it is art.   It’ll be a busy week ahead, too… time for a physical. The VA knows more about making a person feel diminished and valueless than any other agency I know of… preparing for that is like putting on emotional armor.  Then Friday… a more important appointment, and I’m bravely pretending I am not afraid, that life isn’t overwhelming me with the intensity of my experience, and that ‘everything will be ok’.

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Categories Anxiety, Art, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Metaphors, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Turning 50, Words

Icy Morning, Sunny Day

February 8, 2013 //
1

Wow. Three good days in a row, I mean really first rate good days from end to end… well… today is no where near ‘end’ yet, but the day is good and it is actually hard to imagine the downfall of a day like this one. Even a moment of rather less-than-bliss that I’d have expected to be damned blissful hasn’t been enough to sour the day overall. That’s probably pretty reasonable, since it is not yet noon, and I like to hope that it takes more than a moment to blow a day…although, there are certainly some moments that could, this was not one of those.

It isn’t a work day for me, and my loose agenda of ‘things I’d probably like to do at some point, why not now?’ doesn’t seem to be spurring me to any sort of obvious action so far. Hell, I’ve already managed a nap – after 8 shots of espresso!

It’s a lovely sunny day and there is music in my heart.  It’s important not to underestimate Love.  Right now, today, I feel good…and I feel like I am…getting somewhere with me. There’s work to do, but there’s also time to do it.  I feel inspired…

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Categories Anxiety, Art, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Turning 50, Words

The Least Eventful Blogpost Ever?

February 7, 2013 //
4

Oh, seriously, I could come up with some words, on topics… they could be important…to someone. I have thoughts. Musings. I wonder stuff. I ponder. I contemplate. I query. I even recall having something on the order of a good bit of writing sort of mapped out in my thoughts as I walked to the office this morning; gone now.  It’s a nice day, too, overcast and wintry looking; feeling mild and a little damp, and promising more rain to come. I could be inspired to paint or write or…

I meditated this morning, after feeding pets and tidying up a bit. Shared a latte and some quiet moments with a partner a bit later, while another slept (we are each on slightly different schedules with our lives). Today is chill and good almost to the point of encouraging me to think, for a moment, there is really nothing at all amiss with life, love, my wiring… I allow myself the luxury of the moment in a more honest way today; recognizing there is work to be done, improvements in self and habit to be made, and things to ‘deal with’ more appropriately than I have… but I have ‘right now’, and it feels good, so I’m feeling that. This, too, is my experience. My now. My life. In this moment, I am and it is enough.

My thoughts are suddenly crowded with ‘things to do’ that are on my list – both mental and written. It seems like a very long list.  I give myself a needed moment of compassion and recognition (new for me) and remind myself that I make lists because I so easily forget small important details and that life generally moves along pretty simply with the occasional glance at a list and a quick update.  I feel less driven and anxious.  Treating myself well, too, not just other people, is a big part of having a good experience. Lesson learned. Today I am enjoying my experience.

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Turning 50, Words

Unzipped and Unharmed

February 6, 2013 //
0

I walked to work with my coat unzipped this morning. ‘Winter’, sure, but 40F (that’s about 4.4 C, for the rest of the world)  isn’t really ‘winter cold’, and menopause being what it can be the cool air felt good.  I walked with a smile and a feeling of freedom – ‘light-hearted’ is actually a real feeling!  What is different about today? About this morning? I did sleep almost through the night, and never actually got up, and there were no nightmares. I woke feeling rested. Sleep really matters, I know it does in my own experience, at least…but was that it? Part of it… but… there’s more. I ‘got something I need’ over the course of a lovely chill evening of warmth and fellowship with my partners last night… I don’t know exactly what, or how to describe the nature or value of it.  I retired for the night feeling safe and warm and loved… wrapped in it, nurtured by it… my partners are wonderful people, and I am well loved. The healing power of affection and touch and simple closeness and acceptance can not be over-stated… I would write love poetry or send a Hallmark card, or buy large chunks of rare crystal wrapped in limited-availability metal of some kind if I thought any of that could be enough to demonstrate my appreciation for their love, support, and all that it means to me.

Good sleep brings relief and perspective and greater understanding… but it can not replace Love in my life, it can’t meet my need to be touched and held and cherished, and it can not adore me, or accept my love and adoration in return. Love matters on a whole other level.  I hope I spend the rest of my life learning to love well from my partners; I’d like to love them back with skill, openness and vulnerability, to be really good at love.  What could be a more awesome quality of character for a human being?

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Categories Anxiety, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Perspective, Relationships, Sleepless Nights
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