Solving for X

I had a recent conversation in the workplace very characteristic of a quality of employment as an analyst that is, sadly, not uncommon. It was specifically this remark, “I’m not questioning your math, or your methodology, I just don’t like the numbers, so I want you to rework it and get a different result.” Um…no. That’s just not how math problems work, unless the question is “what must I do to get a result of this other number over here?” (Which is, I’ll point out, actually a different math problem completely.)

I sip my coffee, and consider that troubling, rather annoyingly commonplace moment that I don’t doubt any professional analyst in any capacity is familiar with; sooner or later someone wants a different answer. “Solve for X” isn’t always going to result in a solution that is ‘acceptable’, however ‘true’, ‘real’, ‘necessary’ or ‘rational’ it may be from the perspective of the analyst. My inclination is to laugh about it, shrug it off, and understand that business leaders, like many primates, want what they want and the numbers are not supposed to fight back, or get in the way. I stop laughing when I am directed to commit many days and hours to pointlessly redundant reworkings of problems, coming up again and again with the answer originally provided, because as it turns out, that’s the fucking answer.

Sometimes life’s curriculum has some of those surprises for me, too. I’m not wired for frustration, and when the small ones begin piling up, and I ‘don’t like the answer’ when I ‘solve for X’, I know I am headed for trouble. Yesterday was harder than it needed to be, and my day at work was grim, tense, angry, and irritating; the background load of frustration was sufficient to impede good practices, too. I quickly found myself unable to self-serve relief, and by the time I got to my therapy appointment, I really needed the help.

The answers were within reach – I wasn’t seeing them.

I wasn’t actually treating myself as well as I intend to, or as well as I thought I was. I’d gotten caught up in very subtle negative self-talk, and invested in quietly attempting to stifle emotions I didn’t understand, couldn’t source, or actually resented as being ‘childish’ or ‘inappropriate’. Instead of treating myself well, and with compassion and understanding (because, fuck, sometimes it’s hard!), I had taken over as some sort of internal self-parent in all the worst ways. My face still hurts from clenching my jaw almost all day to hold back tears – I was hurting my own feelings by being callous with myself! Seriously? Yeah – as if I’d not taken one step along the path of treating myself truly well. 😦

Talking things through with my therapist opened the flood gates in a safe space, and I needed that; if nothing else the tears themselves quickly reduced my stress level by lowering my cortisol level. That’s something. Go ahead and cry if you need to; the storm will pass, and it’s so much easier to wipe the tears away after than to carry the stress of holding them back all day! Why do I fight that so much? Dignity? Embarrassment? Those are choices in perception that I can make differently to benefit my longer term enjoyment in life…and frankly, the opinion of others with regard to my tears is entirely irrelevant; they are mine, and it is not for someone else to decide what causes me pain. Frustration and stress understandably lean into my injury pretty hard – limited executive function is no small thing when it comes to managing frustration and stress – and it’s totally believable that enough of either or both would make me cry. “Tears of frustration” are a thing, it’s not just me. What challenges me, is that I didn’t easily recognize that I wasn’t giving myself the support I needed in the moment, and that I let it pile up more or less unaddressed (unless we agree to count ‘hoping it will go away’ and ‘trying to squash it down and ignore it’ as ‘addressing it’ for some reason). Poor practices.

Seriously? The answers were already in my library – and in my knowledge. I needed to use different verbs.

I can do better than that for myself – and I know it; it was in the awareness I could do better that I got tripped up. I let being aware I could do better to care for myself become criticism that I wasn’t doing a better job of taking care of me, which became a critical judgement of the feelings themselves rather quickly – and I was off on the path of being rather callous with myself over things that actually do really matter to me. Uncool. I wouldn’t treat my traveling partner that way if he came to me frustrated and stressed out over life and work, and small things piling up…which then took me down the path of further negative self-talk, berating myself for berating myself… meta abuse.  Nasty. Avoidable! Very human.

I got home feeling drained, emotionally fatigued, physically tired – and hopeful. Less stressed out. No less irked by the things in life that irk me, but that’s real and simply needs acknowledgement, awareness, and good decision-making over time. I ended the day in a much better place. I needed help to get there – and that’s okay, too. After a quiet catching up conversation with my traveling partner, I shut out the digital world, and spent some quiet time with myself, making room for new thinking, taking time to simply be present with myself, and finding some stillness within.

Sitting in stillness, listening deeply to my own heart, watching evening become night…

This morning is a whole new day – and I begin again. It’s a quiet morning, my coffee is excellent – and still hot after some minutes of writing. I feel calm, and ready to take on another day of solving for X and being asked to come up with a different answer; my sense of humor is intact, which is a good start. Perspective is a big deal here; if my employer wants to pay me to keep redoing the same math problem over and over again hoping the numbers will be different the next time, well, okay then; it’s just a job, and one I can certainly do. It’s also frustratingly silly, and a complete waste of precious time that could be used more skillfully; the down side to ‘gainful employment’ is that the agenda is not mine. 🙂

Today is a good day to remember that we’re really very fancy primates, with all the humor and limitations that are implied. Today is a good day for perspective, and for treating the woman in the mirror truly well. Today is a good day for laughter, and for good-natured acceptance. Today is a good day for joy, and funny anecdotes. Today is a good day to commiserate with friends; frustration is a commonplace human experience, and sharing the load eases the burden. Today is a good day for kindness; it’s still completely free to use, and there’s an endless potential supply – it feels great, and has no calories! Are you with me? Let’s change the world!