Archives for posts with tag: sleep maintenance insomnia

I realized I was awake in the darkness, at some point, and once it was definite, and demonstrably no dream, I checked the clock. 2:22 am. I had no idea why I was awake. There was no light. No sound. Even the glow from the paintings that hang in my room had mostly faded. I felt physically comfortable, not too hot, not too cold, not twisted or stiff, not in any substantial amount of pain… Why was I awake? I probably won’t ever know that. I got up briefly, got a drink of water. Peed. Went back to bed, fully expecting to fall asleep again.

Some time later, I was still waiting for sleep to come. 3:43 am. Knowing the alarm would go off at 4:30 am, and knowing that I felt fairly alert, however inclined to sleep I actually felt, the wiser choice would generally be to just go ahead and get up at that point. I also don’t know why I did not do that. I turned over again, cuddled a body pillow, and “tried again”, feeling fairly certain at this point that sleep would not come; the best I could legitimately hope for would be to rest gently, meditate, and let the alarm go off, since I clearly wasn’t getting up.

When the alarm went off it caught me by surprise. I had at some point dozed off, and although I was not deeply asleep, I wasn’t awake. I got up, showered, dressed, all the usual morning stuff, and went to make my coffee. A most unsatisfying night of something that wasn’t particularly restful, and hardly counts as sleep. I’m irked by that; I have a date planned with my Traveling Partner, and want to be awake and alert for a late night. He understands my issues well enough to be comfortable not living with them. lol I don’t let my irritation with the weird night become “a thing” that might wreck my mood. The morning continues to feel strange and surreal. I find myself wondering how much I actually slept, and then find myself finding it weird that I am wondering that… and realize only then that I haven’t actually looked at that yet, this morning, which is… odd. It is a morning of broken routines, then, is it? Of course. It would be.

I sip my coffee, check my fitness tracker, and feel a certain comfort seeing that, all together, I got more than 6 hours of sleep. I can go all day on that, no problem. That’s something.

The morning feels mildly rushed. I am uncertain “where the time went”. I’m probably not moving through tasks and time quite the usual way. Something definitely “feels off”, but since I’ve no idea beyond that sensation what might be amiss, and actually feel generally okay, I let it go. No need to do root cause analysis on “weird”. Not this morning. 🙂

The best bit of the morning so far, has been meditation, watching the sun begin to rise. Calm, chill, quiet time, without struggle or challenge, without interruption. It’s enough to begin the day with new perspective, however weird the night. I’m having my own experience… I knew my results could vary. 😀

I woke this morning with some effort. I yawn my way through coffee somewhat amused to be sooo sleepy. When I finally think to check my fitness tracker, I see why I’m so sleepy; two hours of sleep. Well. Yeah. I remember being awake for some extended time, but I didn’t realize it was… most of the night. lol Well, at least I wasn’t stressed out or anxious. I contentedly sip my coffee. At least so far, I’m not good for much else quite yet.

I woke in considerable pain this morning. More than usual. I face a complicated day at work. More so than usual. I’m crazy tired this morning. More so than usual. I struggle to figure out quite what to do with myself right now; “everything” feels as though it exists in a future not yet now. I’m okay with the moment right here. It’s not fancy, but it has coffee… that’s something. 🙂 Eventually, the quantity of coffee inside me, instead of in this mug, will be sufficient to have the desired result – an imagined state of fully alert wakefulness that is ready for a new day. I chuckle quietly in the stillness of this pre-dawn moment; even with my morning coffee there are no guarantees. 2 hours of sleep? Who am I kidding? I may be dragging myself through the entire day, one cup of coffee at a time. lol

It’s a strange sort of morning. I guess I’ll get on with it. 😉

Getting sufficient healthy rest remains an ongoing challenge for me. The connection between PTSD and sleep disturbances is well-documented, and most definitely part of my own experience. I’ve at least gotten to a point where being wakeful doesn’t cause me additional separate stress of its own to compound the stress of whatever woke me, or the impending potential stress of the fatigue that results from inadequate rest. Progress.

Last night I was awakened from a deep sound sleep sometime after 2 am. I didn’t bother to check the clock to verify it, my traveling partner told me the time when he woke me (not realizing the noisy new neighbors who woke him hadn’t yet woken me). I was awake, physically comfortable but sleepless, for the rest of the night. “Sleep maintenance insomnia” is what that one is. I feel a moment of irritation when I notice that the article I linked manages to ‘place blame’ for poor sleep almost entirely on the sleeper, pointing out problem scenarios like women trying to get more/better sleep by going to bed ‘too early’ and waking in the wee hours. Yes, good sleep hygiene and good sleep practices are important, and for some of us the thing goes a bit beyond our choice of sleep schedule, lighting, diet, or time management! LOL Nothing in the article directly addresses real-life externals like noisy neighbors, and the effect of being awakened in the wee hours to the irritation of someone else awakened by the noise. (Eventually, the noise would no doubt have awakened me in turn; it sounded rather as if they were tossing shipping crates against the shared wall at several points, or hosting an event in an octagon ring!) My sensitivity to, and concern over, my partner’s ability to get the rest he needs, himself, likely drove my sleeplessness in some small way. It doesn’t actually take much to disrupt my sleep, even now.

Two nights short on sleep so far this week. It isn’t ideal, and I don’t do my best work – or my best anything, really – when I am distracted and numbed by fatigue. I think ahead irritably to the boundary setting, expectation setting conversation that needs to happen later today. My neighbors are young, and on meeting them the other day they seemed well-intended sorts. It’s likely that the inconsiderate amount of noise is nothing more than that – inconsiderate. They may be unaware how noisy they are – although surely less so after my traveling partner was gruff with them during the night. Still, it mustn’t be allowed to pass unnoticed; what we tolerate, we must endure, and I’d honestly rather not have this go on for weeks. My thoughts turn next to the work day ahead. Yeah. Still feeling irritated. Is it going to be that day?

It's too early to be cross already. It is a better choice to begin again.

It’s too early to be cross already. It is a better choice to begin again.

I begin again. Meditation. Deep cleansing breaths. A moment of fresh air out on the patio before dawn, steaming mug of coffee in my hands. Full moon glowing beneath, between, behind the passing clouds for some little while longer before daybreak comes. I think about the patio roses and how lovely they look so far. I contemplate what the patio will look like when the roses are blooming. The studio feels cozy and warm after the morning chill outside. I take time to appreciate the full measure of the quality of my life here; there is so much more to it than a night or two of poor quality sleep. I make a point of lingering over ‘all the things that work’ – it’s a better way to begin my day than fussing about a handful of things that could be improved upon.

Today will be a very good day to take care of this fragile vessel, practicing the practices that support emotional balance, and over-all wellness. I will do my best. 🙂